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#Post#: 32755--------------------------------------------------
House rules vs honoring a guests request
By: Hmmm Date: June 12, 2019, 6:04 pm
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I was listening to a radio show this week and a caller called in
about a flare up she had with her sister. As a summary:
Host sister had invited her sister, her sister's children, and
her mother to come for a visit because host sister's son was in
a play. Guest sister and family and the mother were staying at a
nearby cabin, not at host sister's house.
Guest sister asked host sister if it was ok to grill up some
shrimp that evening and host sister agreed. Guest sister later
clarified that she had planned for them to be an appetizer, not
the main dinner for the family. Host sister said that she did
not allow her children snacks before dinner and therefore the
shrimp needed to be part of the dinner. Guest sister then
requests that she make an alternative side dish of peas because
her kids would not eat the salad the host sister was making.
Host sister said no because her kids were taught to eat what
they were given and not to ask for alternatives. She did not
want her kids seeing that their cousins could ask for an
alternative.
The event escalated quickly with guest sister claiming host
sister had been difficult all day and if she wasn't willing to
make accomodations for her guests, then they'd just leave and go
back to the cabin. Host sister said great, here's your shrimp
and your peas. Host sister said guests should be prepared to
accept the hospitality offered and not make demands and if they
didn't want to follow her rules then she was glad they were
leaving.
In telling the story, both sister's should be ashamed of their
behavior.
So my question is, when are you willing to bend your house rules
when you have guests? And does it matter if it involves
parenting choices?
We never had any hard and fast rules with our kids (well,
obviously acception is things like you can't smoke or do drugs)
so were always ok with modifying a meal practice or moving a bed
time or extending/reducing tv time when guests present.
#Post#: 32758--------------------------------------------------
Re: House rules vs honoring a guests request
By: sandisadie Date: June 12, 2019, 6:41 pm
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I think altering house rules for guests depends on what the
subject is. A lot of children are picky eaters so I have always
tried to serve something a child guest will eat. As far as
serving something before the main meal - why couldn't this one
time be considered a special treat for the host's children? The
host sister sounds like someone who is too rigid where guests
are concerned. Especially with family. The world won't end if
occasionally her food rules are bent!
#Post#: 32759--------------------------------------------------
Re: House rules vs honoring a guests request
By: GardenGal Date: June 12, 2019, 6:43 pm
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Wow, this does not sound like the promising start of a family
visit, and I suspect there is a lot of backstory to the
relationship between these two women.
[quote]Guest sister asked host sister if it was ok to grill up
some shrimp that evening and host sister agreed. Guest sister
later clarified that she had planned for them to be an
appetizer, not the main dinner for the family. Host sister said
that she did not allow her children snacks before dinner and
therefore the shrimp needed to be part of the dinner.[/quote]
I think Host Sister was wrong about the shrimp, because I don't
see how an appetizer is the same as a "snack before dinner." To
me, an appetizer is part of dinner. Further, if Host Sister
didn't want her kids to eat shrimp period, she should have just
told Guest Sister, "No shrimp for family, thanks." It sounds
like Guest Sister was trying to make a nice gesture by cooking
an appetizer for everyone, and got slapped down for it.
[quote]Guest sister then requests that she make an alternative
side dish of peas because her kids would not eat the salad the
host sister was making. Host sister said no because her kids
were taught to eat what they were given and not to ask for
alternatives. She did not want her kids seeing that their
cousins could ask for an alternative. [/quote]
Here the Host Sister was wrong again. It doesn't seem like a
big deal to make peas for some people who don't eat salad, and
just because Host Sister won't offer her own kids alternatives
doesn't mean everyone has to follow her rules with their own
kids. I wonder what Host Sister would have done if it was Guest
Sister or their mother who wanted peas instead of salad.
Host sister's kids are going to see quickly enough that other
families have different rules, and if Host Sister is so worried
about her kids seeing this she's in for a world of heartache
(and fights with her kids).
#Post#: 32761--------------------------------------------------
Re: House rules vs honoring a guests request
By: Lilac Date: June 12, 2019, 6:53 pm
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Agree that the shrimp are a starter and part of dinner. Not a
snack.
Offering guests palatable options and accommodations for dietary
preferences is part of hospitality. Sounds like host sister
(control freak) and her kids need to learn that, stat.
#Post#: 32765--------------------------------------------------
Re: House rules vs honoring a guests request
By: Rose Red Date: June 12, 2019, 7:21 pm
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Host sister is too rigid. I also agree shrimp is not a snack
(anything can be a snack but not in this case). It's not like
they're indulging the children with cookies and ice cream. Also
adding peas to the meal should not be the big deal she's making
it out to be.
I wonder if the host sister acts the same way with guests who
are not family.
#Post#: 32776--------------------------------------------------
Re: House rules vs honoring a guests request
By: Aleko Date: June 13, 2019, 1:39 am
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I agree with everyone who says there must be a history of bad
feeling behind this; this kind of row doesn't blow up between
two sisters without some pre-existing bone of contention.
I'm totally behind children not being allowed snacks before
meals or being allowed to say 'I don't like salad! Give me
something else, waah!' But such rules inevitably go with the
acknowledgement that Other People have different rules, which
must be politely tolerated if not really approved of (otherwise,
what does Host Sister think will happen to her training the
first time her children visit a school friend's house?) and that
guests are routinely offered things that 'family' are not. E.g.
my mother never countenanced snacks before family meals: but
when people were invited for dinner, nuts, cheese straws etc
were routinely offered round with pre-dinner drinks (we were
allowed some of these nibbles too, before being sent off to
bed). We kids didn't see any contradiction here at all;
occasions of hospitality are different, was the lesson we took
from that.
And it wasn't even necessary to present these extras as
divergence from the rules; an appetiser, as Lilac and Gardengal
say, isn't 'snacks before meals' at all but part of any
special-occasion dinner, festive or formal (and could always be
served at table if she wanted to make that clear), as is a
choice of salad / vegetable sides.
No, I'm sure there was something more to it than that. Maybe
Host Sister saw this as a deliberate attack by her sister on her
parenting / hosting / lifestyle choices. (And of course, family
life being what it is, it may have been.) Or perhaps she is just
someone so rigid and insecure that any suggestion of a change or
addition to a meal served in her home seems like a threat or an
insult.
#Post#: 32791--------------------------------------------------
Re: House rules vs honoring a guests request
By: Hmmm Date: June 13, 2019, 8:22 am
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It was host sister who called into the radio show, fully
expecting support for "maintaining her authority in her home and
her parenting choices" and was pretty stunned when the talk show
personality told her she behaved in an extremely ungracious
manner and that children would not be harmed from deviation when
guests were present. The purpose of her call was because her
mother wanted both sisters to apologize and she was calling
because she didn't think she had anything to apologize for but
wanted to know if she should do a token apology to satisfy her
mother.
You could tell there was not a strong bond between her and her
sister. She came across as a little sanctimonious in her telling
the story so I can imagine a sibling hearing "My children eat
what I serve them" and "I don't allow food before meals".
I sort of wondered if the guest sister had offered the shrimp
because she thought her and her kids would be hungry between
lunch and dinner and knew her sister's views on snacks.
I know I wouldn't have thought twice about adding a second veg
option or serving shrimp to my kids as a pre-dinner appetizer. I
guess I could understand host sister being upset if they kept to
a pretty "clean" diet and guest sister wanting to serve chips
and queso and the side being french fries knowing sister's kids
weren't allowed those things. But shrimp? So what if they filled
up on that and ate less of their meal.
#Post#: 32794--------------------------------------------------
Re: House rules vs honoring a guests request
By: Jem Date: June 13, 2019, 8:51 am
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1185.msg32755#msg32755
date=1560380642]
So my question is, when are you willing to bend your house rules
when you have guests? And does it matter if it involves
parenting choices?
[/quote]
I am absolutely willing to bend house rules when I have guests,
so long as it's not something dangerous or against my beliefs
(meaning, expecting to sacrifice a chicken in a satanic ritual,
not "I don't follow the vegan lifestyle"). I also think there
are only very rare circumstances when I would interfere with
someone else's parenting choices.
As an aside, I think that arguments over food and rigidity
surrounding food set people up for eating disorders. I suspect
the host sister's restrictive attitude toward food and undertone
of wielding power via rigidly controlling when and what food her
kids eat will backfire as the kids get older.
#Post#: 32801--------------------------------------------------
Re: House rules vs honoring a guests request
By: Rose Red Date: June 13, 2019, 10:30 am
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Yikes. How old are the children? I understand children can eat a
horse when a growth spurt begins. Also if parents are so rigid
about food, they'll fill up on junk once at school or at a
friend's home. Or worse, develop food issues. Sure children
shouldn't eat junk before meals, but it sounds like she won't
even allow an apple or carrot sticks? I agree this is going to
backfire.
#Post#: 32802--------------------------------------------------
Re: House rules vs honoring a guests request
By: lakey Date: June 13, 2019, 11:51 am
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[quote][quote]As an aside, I think that arguments over food and
rigidity surrounding food set people up for eating disorders. I
suspect the host sister's restrictive attitude toward food and
undertone of wielding power via rigidly controlling when and
what food her kids eat will backfire as the kids get
older.[/quote][/quote]
Anything to an extreme is a problem. I've seen instances where
parents never allow snack foods or sweets and the children tend
to want to overeat these treats when they go to someone else's
house.
As far as this post goes, fighting over such minor problems is
sad. As others have said, there is some history here.
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