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#Post#: 32701--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: Jem Date: June 12, 2019, 8:46 am
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[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1178.msg32697#msg32697
date=1560342011]
Thanks all. I'm still not convinced Sam (I'll keep calling her
Sam for now) deliberately sets out to be a mooch. More that she
is very flaky and a bit socially awkward. With that said, she's
been much better lately at remembering to bring cash when we go
out for coffee, etc, and on the occasions she doesn't, she uses
her card (and I step back and let her handle it).
[/quote]
Unless Sam is developmentally disabled or has some other
significant cognitive disorder, based on what you have told us I
do think that she is deliberately setting out to be a mooch.
There is no reason for an adult to go really anywhere without
money or access to it, especially when the plan is to go
somewhere to purchase something. From what you've told us, it
seems to me that Sam is deliberately not bringing money or
pretending that accessing her money is too big a burden for her
in the hopes that you will be too timid to call her out on it
and just pay for her to avoid confrontation. From my reading of
what you have told us about Sam, she comes across as extremely
manipulative and rude.
#Post#: 32706--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: lowspark Date: June 12, 2019, 9:58 am
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1178.msg32701#msg32701
date=1560347196]
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1178.msg32697#msg32697
date=1560342011]
Thanks all. I'm still not convinced Sam (I'll keep calling her
Sam for now) deliberately sets out to be a mooch. More that she
is very flaky and a bit socially awkward. With that said, she's
been much better lately at remembering to bring cash when we go
out for coffee, etc, and on the occasions she doesn't, she uses
her card (and I step back and let her handle it).
[/quote]
Unless Sam is developmentally disabled or has some other
significant cognitive disorder, based on what you have told us I
do think that she is deliberately setting out to be a mooch.
There is no reason for an adult to go really anywhere without
money or access to it, especially when the plan is to go
somewhere to purchase something. From what you've told us, it
seems to me that Sam is deliberately not bringing money or
pretending that accessing her money is too big a burden for her
in the hopes that you will be too timid to call her out on it
and just pay for her to avoid confrontation. From my reading of
what you have told us about Sam, she comes across as extremely
manipulative and rude.
[/quote]
Yeah. I agree with that. I think that you (OP) are very generous
and reluctant to call her out, and that Sam is clued into that
and takes advantage. I see her as thinking, "LifeOnPluto has
lots of money and doesn't mind paying so it shouldn't be a big
deal for her to cover me today."
Now, it might not be quite as conscious and deliberate as that,
but she's also not consciously and deliberately making sure that
*she* pay for herself every time she should, and additionally,
she's not consciously and deliberately making sure that she
reciprocate.
As a side note, I wonder how many times she's forgotten her
money when she was alone.
#Post#: 32707--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: Jem Date: June 12, 2019, 10:06 am
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[quote author=lowspark link=topic=1178.msg32706#msg32706
date=1560351520]
As a side note, I wonder how many times she's forgotten her
money when she was alone.
[/quote]
EXACTLY.
#Post#: 32713--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: Rose Red Date: June 12, 2019, 12:07 pm
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I don't know this person so I'll just post my own experiences
with mooches. Successful mooches act sweet and flaky. If they
act entitled, everyone will have cut them off long ago. You say
she's better at remembering her wallet. That's a typical mooch
move. Mooches are aware when you're on to them so will make an
effort (for now), but still "forget" a few times hoping you'll
think "well, she normally remembers nowadays so I'll pay just
this once."
Mentioning her birthday is also a hint for the other person to
treat. Personally, I don't know any adults who bring up their
birthday when the other person doesn't know it or forgot it.
#Post#: 35380--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: July 27, 2019, 1:54 am
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UPDATE!
It's not particularly exciting though. Long story short, Sam's
parents visited her during her birthday week, and took her out
for dinner. Sam and I ended up going to New Restaurant today for
lunch (more than a month after her birthday, as we had to
postpone a couple of times due to other commitments). I took
Brimstone's advice and offered to pay for Sam's drinks (soft
drinks, as she doesn't really drink alcohol). We split the bill
evenly for the main course (and Sam was all cashed up). So
overall, it went well!
#Post#: 53601--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: June 25, 2020, 8:07 am
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I thought of this thread today, as a similar situation has
raised its head.
Sam contacted me yesterday, asking if I wanted to join her for
dinner at a restaurant on Saturday. Her parents were meant to
visiting this weekend, and taking her out to this restaurant for
her birthday, but decided to cancel, given their state has had a
spike in COVID-19 cases. The restaurant booking still stands
however, so Sam asked me if I'd like to come along instead
(which I've accepted). It will just be the two of us.
For a second, I wondered whether I should pay for Sam's meal
(given it's her birthday, and part of me feels like a mean
cheapskate if I don't). Then I remembered this thread, and the
advice of you wonderful people!
So I'm planning on offering to pay for her drinks or dessert,
or just splitting the bill slightly more my way - assuming our
meals and drinks come to roughly the same, of course - eg,
chucking in an extra $10 or $20.
Funnily enough, I mentioned this situation to another friend,
who reckoned that Sam should be paying for MY meal, given she
was the one who invited me out! (The fact that this restaurant
is about 5 minutes from Sam's house, but 45 minutes from mine,
across the other side of town, might have also coloured her
opinion).
Anyhow, will let you know how it goes!
#Post#: 53602--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner? Update p25
By: lowspark Date: June 25, 2020, 8:34 am
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I agree with your friend!! But, you know, what're the chances?
In your place, I wouldn't offer anything extra. I'd either just
get separate checks or split down the middle if things felt
about even.
I wouldn't feel that way except for the history with this
friend, apparently taking advantage of your generosity, and
never reciprocating.
#Post#: 53604--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner? Update p25
By: Jayhawk Date: June 25, 2020, 12:31 pm
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Good for you for setting expectations up front. My guess is that
Sam's folks would've footed the bill and now that they're not
going, she's looking for someone else to. Since you've don it in
the past, she contacted you.
#Post#: 53606--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner? Update p25
By: TootsNYC Date: June 25, 2020, 12:56 pm
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[quote]So I'm planning on offering to pay for her drinks or
dessert, or just splitting the bill slightly more my way -
assuming our meals and drinks come to roughly the same, of
course - eg, chucking in an extra $10 or $20.[/quote]
As it's her birthday, I can see that you might want to treat her
in some way, as a gift.
But I do agree that if she invites you, it should either be
Dutch or it should be her treat. But if it weren't her birthday,
I'd be sort of disappointed that you were planning to pay for
anything.
I'm a fan of Dutch in restaurants unless it's a specific date,
or an invitation for a celebration, or something.
#Post#: 53628--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner? Update p25
By: Aleko Date: June 25, 2020, 11:38 pm
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[quote]For a second, I wondered whether I should pay for Sam's
meal (given it's her birthday, and part of me feels like a mean
cheapskate if I don't). Then I remembered this thread, and the
advice of you wonderful people!
So I'm planning on offering to pay for her drinks or dessert,
or just splitting the bill slightly more my way - assuming our
meals and drinks come to roughly the same, of course - eg,
chucking in an extra $10 or $20.[/quote]
But did she say in clear when she invited you that she doesn't
expect you to pay for her meal? Or did you say in clear when you
accepted that you were doing so on the understanding that you
would be going Dutch? Because if not, I bet she'll come out
without money or cards as so many times before; and when the
bill arrives she'll wait for you to pick it up and pay it she'll
stare at you with Bambi eyes and say 'But it's my birthday
dinner! I can't believe you'd expect me to pay for my own
birthday dinner!' And actually, given that (a) it actually is
explicitly her birthday celebration this time, and (b) you've
ponied up for her birthday dinner before, for once she'd have a
point.
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