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#Post#: 32399--------------------------------------------------
Who pays for friend's birthday dinner? Update p25
By: LifeOnPluto Date: June 6, 2019, 6:21 am
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Some background. I have a friend "Sam". When we go out, we
normally just pay for our own meals/drinks/coffees, etc.
However, there have been a couple of occasions in the past where
I've taken Sam out for her birthday, and paid for both our meals
(and movie tickets on one occasion). Sam doesn't really
reciprocate when it's my birthday, but that's only because I
normally choose to celebrate my birthday quietly with my partner
instead, not because of any failing on Sam's part! (Sam herself
is single, so doesn't have a partner to celebrate with).
Yesterday we had a conversation which can be summarised as
follows:
Me - "Hey, there's a great new little restaurant on ABC Street.
We should try it out sometime."
Sam - "Yes, that sounds lovely. It's my birthday in a couple of
weeks. Let's go there to celebrate!"
Me - "Sure, sounds good."
Now I'm wondering: based on past practice, did I put myself on
the hook to pay for Sam's meal and drinks here? I don't mind, as
I can easily afford it, but I'm wondering what the etiquette is
in this situation? Should I offer to pay for Sam? Would it look
churlish if I didn't? Or do I attend with the mindset that we'll
be paying for ourselves?
(Note, if it makes a difference, we won't be going on Sam's
actual birthday as it falls on a work night, but rather, a few
days later on the weekend.)
(Note 2, Sam and I don't normally exchange birthday gifts, so
that's not really a factor here.)
#Post#: 32402--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: Rose Red Date: June 6, 2019, 7:22 am
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I don't think you need to pay since that doesn't seem to be your
relationship, but if you want to be nice or acknowledge her
birthday, how about a compromise by letting her know that a
drink or dessert is your treat?
#Post#: 32404--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: June 6, 2019, 7:43 am
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I agree, you are not on the hook to pay. Your decision to pay
every year is an annual decision and you get to change that
whenever you want. You can pay every year. You can pay on odd
years. You can never pay again. I do not think that any of those
options are rude.
#Post#: 32406--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: kckgirl Date: June 6, 2019, 7:50 am
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[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1178.msg32402#msg32402
date=1559823755]
I don't think you need to pay since that doesn't seem to be your
relationship, but if you want to be nice or acknowledge her
birthday, how about a compromise by letting her know that a
drink or dessert is your treat?
[/quote]
This is a good idea, and let her know in advance so she'll know
to bring enough money for her dinner. You don't want her
thinking you're treating if you're not.
#Post#: 32411--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: Hanna Date: June 6, 2019, 9:16 am
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I think since you asked and have also set the precedent of
taking her out for her birthday, she may be expecting it now.
#Post#: 32413--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: Hmmm Date: June 6, 2019, 9:48 am
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First, I think Sam should be occasionally reciprocating the
hosted bday meals for you. Just because you do your primary bday
celebration with your SO, it doesn't mean Sam couldn't take you
out on a different day. Unless there is a significant income
difference, I think she should be trying to reciprocate in some
way.
So I think this is a good opportunity to level out the
generosity between the two of you. So I would do as previously
suggested and just say that you'd be picking up drinks in honor
of her birthday.
In my late 20's, I had 2 good friends from college and we'd all
go out for our bdays and 2 would split for the bday girl.
Eventually 2 of us had SO's and the bday celebrations changed.
We somehow got into this weird cycle that because she didn't
have a SO, it was up to us two to take her out for her bday but
she never suggested even taking us to lunch for ours because we
had SO's who would take us out. After about 6 years, it really
started bugging me and the other friend. I never had to confront
the issue because she ended up moving away
#Post#: 32414--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: lowspark Date: June 6, 2019, 10:01 am
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You say there have been a couple of occasions where you've paid
so I assume not every time? Either way, there should be no
expectation on Sam's part for you to pay, especially because she
never seems to reciprocate. Even if you go out with your partner
on your actual birthday, surely she could take you out to
celebrate on another day. (Hmmm posted this same thing as I was
typing.)
But anyway, no, I don't see you as being obligated in any way.
It's very nice and generous if you want to, but in your place, I
probably would not as I'd want to end the expectation.
Buying drinks or dessert is a good idea for this one time. After
this, I probably wouldn't do it anymore at all.
#Post#: 32416--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: bopper Date: June 6, 2019, 10:11 am
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1. You could pay this time, and when your birthday rolls around
say "Hey Sam! Where are you taking me out for my birthday?"
2. You could say nothing, and when it is time to pay, say "Your
share is $18. " "Oh, I thought you were treating." "Oh, I
didn't think we were doing that anymore for birthdays."
3) You could pay and stew a bit.
4) You could say up front..."Drinks are on me for your
birthday!" or "First round is on me for your birthday!"
5) You could pay and give Sam the gift of someone paying
attention to them on their birthday.
You have to decide if you want things to change...if so, you
need to change.
#Post#: 32420--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: Bada Date: June 6, 2019, 10:40 am
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[quote author=bopper link=topic=1178.msg32416#msg32416
date=1559833873]
1. You could pay this time, and when your birthday rolls around
say "Hey Sam! Where are you taking me out for my birthday?"
2. You could say nothing, and when it is time to pay, say "Your
share is $18. " "Oh, I thought you were treating." "Oh, I
didn't think we were doing that anymore for birthdays."
3) You could pay and stew a bit.
4) You could say up front..."Drinks are on my for your
birthday!" or "First round is on me for your birthday!"
5) You could pay and give Sam the gift of someone paying
attention to them on their birthday.
You have to decide if you want things to change...if so, you
need to change.
[/quote]
I really like the wording of #4. Light and breezy and sets the
expectation clearly without rydfling feathers.
#Post#: 32425--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who pays for friend's birthday dinner?
By: Lilac Date: June 6, 2019, 1:59 pm
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In your shoes I probably would pay since I'd set the precedent;
a meal for two is not something that will dent my budget. It
does seem ungracious that Sam never reciprocates -- she may not
buy you a birthday dinner but she could send some sort of treat,
or even just a card, or offer a rain check for a movie night.
(As a solo woman myself, I hate it when women who are single
expect marrieds to do more than their share of check-grabbing,
on the assumption the married have two incomes to cover bills.
I recall one couple I know sort of dropping a woman who seemed
to go into near-child mode when out with them, expecting
everything to be covered.)
To stave off awkwardness the night of the meal, consider texting
or e-mailing a day or so ahead: "Sam, still on for 7pm Tuesday?
Looking forward to it -- and in honor of your birthday, the
drinks are on me!"
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