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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 32299--------------------------------------------------
Derailing Restaurant Reservation
DIR By: CamelliaHouse
Date: June 4, 2019, 1:20 pm
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I'm looking for some advice on how I could have responded to
this situation.
I suggested a dinner out with a small group of friends. We
agreed in advance on a location and a time; I made the
reservations at the restaurant under my name. The location is
very close to my place of work.
On the day, my friends arrived more than 30 minutes early and
began texting me to find out where they could get a drink before
dinner. I was still working and did not see the messages until
about 15 minutes before our dinner reservation. By that time,
they had located a posh bar nearby and ordered some drinks,
inviting me to join them. I replied that I wouldn't have time to
make it to the bar, order, and then enjoy a drink before having
to rush back for our dinner reservation. They replied that there
was no need to worry - they had dropped into the restaurant and,
because it was quite empty at that time, the hostess agreed to
hold our table until "later."
I was miffed because I did not want to drink alcohol that
evening (I'm on a strict diet, not known to my friends) and I
also wanted to be home early, hence an early start time at a
restaurant close to my workplace. I told myself to relax and go
with the flow, and I joined them for a drink. By the time we got
to the restaurant, an hour had passed since our original
reservation time. Our table had been given away, but we were
offered another. We stayed a long time and had a great evening -
but I got home late, some two hours after I was hoping to be
home.
I am disappointed that my time needs were not taken into
consideration; on some level, too, I am disappointed that the
restaurant would modify a reservation without confirming with
the original person who made the reservation. It's not the worst
faux-pas in the world, but how could I have politely expressed
my disagreement with the sudden change in plans?
#Post#: 32304--------------------------------------------------
Re: Derailing Restaurant Reservation
DIR By: Victoria
Date: June 4, 2019, 1:59 pm
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I have had this happen to me before. Your friends seem like
they're more free with their time, and if you keep going with
the flow they're going to come to expect that from you as well.
It's possible that they saw you as the coordinator of the
reservation rather than the official time-setter if you didn't
say something beforehand like "I need to be home by X time" or
"Y dinner time is the only thing that will work for me." I
would suggest that you communicate concrete boundaries and stick
to them, since you know the group's M.O. is to loosely adhere to
reservations.
If you don't want to drink, don't allow yourself to be talked
into drinking. If you want to be home early, set a time for
yourself, stick to it, and stand firm when they ask you to stay
for just one more drink, or just a little longer.
In this case would have texted back "I need to be home by X pm
and I'm not drinking, so I'll catch you guys another time" or "I
need to be home by X pm. I'll join you guys at the bar, but I
can't go to the restaurant with that reservation time."
#Post#: 32306--------------------------------------------------
Re: Derailing Restaurant Reservation
DIR By: Jem
Date: June 4, 2019, 2:15 pm
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--- Quote from: Victoria link ---
>
> If you don't want to drink, don't allow yourself to be talked
into drinking. If you want to be home early, set a time for
yourself, stick to it, and stand firm when they ask you to stay
for just one more drink, or just a little longer.
>
>
--- End Quote ---
Exactly this. You don't need to announce you are not drinking.
The point is not the drinks anyway, or shouldn't be. It is the
time spent together. Decide how much time you want to spend
with these people, and leave when you say you are going to.
Regarding the changing of the reservation, I can see a
restaurant handling this in a variety of ways based on a variety
of factors, including how busy they are.
From the OP, it seems like the OP did not indicate any outward
disagreement with the change in plans, so I don't think anyone
did anything rude here.
#Post#: 32308--------------------------------------------------
Re: Derailing Restaurant Reservation
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: June 4, 2019, 2:51 pm
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When you received the text inviting you to join them at the bar
you should have responded with "Thanks, but I'll just meet you
at the restaurant. I need to have an early evening. See you
there." Then left to go to the restaurant to wait for them to
arrive.
Giving them an explanation about not having enough time opened
up their ability to "fix" your problem by letting you know the
restaurant was willing to hold your reservation. Since the
restaurant didn't hold your table what they probably told them
was that there shouldn't be a problem getting a table later in
the evening, not that they were moving your reservation. So, no
I don' think the restaurant did anything wrong.
#Post#: 32311--------------------------------------------------
Re: Derailing Restaurant Reservation
DIR By: lakey
Date: June 4, 2019, 3:08 pm
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There have already been a lot of good ways to deal with
scheduling differences. Here is a suggestion for what to do when
you and your friends go out for drinks, and you don't want
alcohol for whatever reason. I have ordered a soda water and
slice of lemon. You can also order tomato juice, or a virgin
Bloody Mary. It doesn't matter why you aren't having alcohol. I
limited my drinking because I was on a weight loss program and
alcohol was a lot of calories that interfered with my goals.
It's no one's business why you are drinking soda water with
lemon. People have all kinds of reasons for not drinking
alcohol.
#Post#: 32321--------------------------------------------------
Re: Derailing Restaurant Reservation
DIR By: Hanna
Date: June 4, 2019, 4:38 pm
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I can't imagine changing a reservation that another friend made
- and my friends are really laid back!
Could you have just said "I need to be home by x time so let's
stick with the original time and I will see you there."? How
would they have responded?
#Post#: 32331--------------------------------------------------
Re: Derailing Restaurant Reservation
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 4, 2019, 8:05 pm
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Remember that just because you are at a bar, you do not need to
order alcohol.
#Post#: 32352--------------------------------------------------
Re: Derailing Restaurant Reservation
DIR By: CamelliaHouse
Date: June 5, 2019, 8:30 am
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--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> I can't imagine changing a reservation that another friend
made - and my friends are really laid back!
>
> Could you have just said "I need to be home by x time so let's
stick with the original time and I will see you there."? How
would they have responded?
>
--- End Quote ---
I think they would have been stunned that I spoke up! They
probably would have still tried to convince me to join them at
the bar, as it was fairly close to the restaurant.
#Post#: 32353--------------------------------------------------
Re: Derailing Restaurant Reservation
DIR By: CamelliaHouse
Date: June 5, 2019, 8:34 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Victoria link ---
>
> I have had this happen to me before. Your friends seem like
they're more free with their time, and if you keep going with
the flow they're going to come to expect that from you as well.
It's possible that they saw you as the coordinator of the
reservation rather than the official time-setter if you didn't
say something beforehand like "I need to be home by X time" or
"Y dinner time is the only thing that will work for me." I
would suggest that you communicate concrete boundaries and stick
to them, since you know the group's M.O. is to loosely adhere to
reservations.
>
> If you don't want to drink, don't allow yourself to be talked
into drinking. If you want to be home early, set a time for
yourself, stick to it, and stand firm when they ask you to stay
for just one more drink, or just a little longer.
>
> In this case would have texted back "I need to be home by X pm
and I'm not drinking, so I'll catch you guys another time" or "I
need to be home by X pm. I'll join you guys at the bar, but I
can't go to the restaurant with that reservation time."
>
--- End Quote ---
Thanks for the practical advice. I will change my behaviour in
the future. However, I think that just because someone doesn't
say upfront that they have to be home or somewhere else at a
certain time, the other party/parties shouldn't assume that
their time is flexible. In this case, when we were making our
plans, I didn't see the need to mention wanting to be home early
because I thought the early dinner reservation (6PM) would take
care of that automatically!
#Post#: 32354--------------------------------------------------
Re: Derailing Restaurant Reservation
DIR By: Jem
Date: June 5, 2019, 8:39 am
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--- Quote from: CamelliaHouse link ---
>
> ...I think that just because someone doesn't say upfront that
they have to be home or somewhere else at a certain time, the
other party/parties shouldn't assume that their time is
flexible. In this case, when we were making our plans, I didn't
see the need to mention wanting to be home early because I
thought the early dinner reservation (6PM) would take care of
that automatically!
>
--- End Quote ---
I'm not really following why you wouldn't just leave when you
want to leave regardless of whether you mentioned it up front or
not. I don't make assumptions about anyone else's time, aside
from to assume they will handle their time needs as they see
fit. In your explanation of the evening, I really don't see that
anyone did anything wrong or did anything to "force" you to
drink or stay out later than you "wanted to." YOU did that!
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