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#Post#: 32449--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: TootsNYC Date: June 6, 2019, 5:30 pm
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[quote author=lakey link=topic=1174.msg32389#msg32389
date=1559773689]
[quote]Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2019, 08:03:32 pm »
Quote
It wouldn't matter what a person's divorce was like--making
reference to it like this is out of line. It's just rude.
It has the potential to be painful in SO many different
directions!![/quote]
This. Divorce is one of those subjects, similar to asking a
woman why she hasn't had any children, that you shouldn't bring
up. It's very personal and possibly very hurtful.
[/quote]
I wonder if this is a guide to a possible response.
I think it -would- be hard for boss to pre-emptively bring it
up.
But if it's going to come up, maybe you can be prepared, and
then say something very like the above.
"I'm going to ask that you not make jokes about people's
personal lives, whether it's divorce or having children or
parents...there are just too many painful things people might be
going through for that to be comfortable. Someone who'd been
devastated by their divorce would really not find that funny,
and it's not fair to put them in that position, or make them
feel they have to explain. Do you think you can remember?"
Be sort of nice about it, but in-the-moment would probably be
less awkward.
And it might be easier for YOU to tackle that project if you can
frame it as "something I'm going to say in order to buffer all
kinds of other people who are uncomfortable with that sort of
thing" instead of "I'm defending my own hurt without revealing
anything about myself."
#Post#: 32455--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: chigger Date: June 6, 2019, 6:00 pm
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[quote author=Lilac link=topic=1174.msg32446#msg32446
date=1559859169]
Been thinking about this situation.
The customer was crass but I don't think the comment was really
a commentary on the OP's life. Divorce over domestic
disagreements has been a stock subject of humor (dark or
otherwise), quips and movie farces for generations now. Not
everyone's cup of tea but not exactly out of the mainstream,
either. It is too bad it hit a painful nerve with the OP but
we've all made dumb jokes at one time or another.
And, to be completely fair, the OP did raise the subject of her
own marital status on the phone call; it's not as thought the
customer plucked the scenario out of thin air. Maybe, due to
your age or other input she has about you, she just assumed if
you aren't currently married you were divorced at some point --
again, not saying she's the soul of tact, but some persons'
minds make these leaps and the next thing you know they are
blurting out something tactless. I am never married and
childfree but have had colleagues say sarcastic things like "Oh
I bet your husbnad just LOVES that" or "So you're the mean mom
who gives out toothbrushes on Halloween, eh?" apropos of
whatever topic has come up.
In other words, OP, I really don't think this was a dig at you
and yes, as kindly as possible, you were overreacting. I really
wouldn't make a spectacle out of myself getting management or HR
involved, especially if your personal life already has
overlapped into your work life in a negative manner. What is
that phrase, "Never attribute to malice what can be explained by
stupidity...."
[/q
This! It was a supremely crass remark, but I DO think the OP is
over reacting!
#Post#: 32465--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: Lilac Date: June 6, 2019, 8:04 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1174.msg32449#msg32449
date=1559860223]
[quote author=lakey link=topic=1174.msg32389#msg32389
date=1559773689]
[quote]Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2019, 08:03:32 pm »
Quote
It wouldn't matter what a person's divorce was like--making
reference to it like this is out of line. It's just rude.
It has the potential to be painful in SO many different
directions!![/quote]
This. Divorce is one of those subjects, similar to asking a
woman why she hasn't had any children, that you shouldn't bring
up. It's very personal and possibly very hurtful.
[/quote]
I wonder if this is a guide to a possible response.
I think it -would- be hard for boss to pre-emptively bring it
up.
But if it's going to come up, maybe you can be prepared, and
then say something very like the above.
"I'm going to ask that you not make jokes about people's
personal lives, whether it's divorce or having children or
parents...there are just too many painful things people might be
going through for that to be comfortable. Someone who'd been
devastated by their divorce would really not find that funny,
and it's not fair to put them in that position, or make them
feel they have to explain. Do you think you can remember?"
Be sort of nice about it, but in-the-moment would probably be
less awkward.
And it might be easier for YOU to tackle that project if you can
frame it as "something I'm going to say in order to buffer all
kinds of other people who are uncomfortable with that sort of
thing" instead of "I'm defending my own hurt without revealing
anything about myself."
[/quote]
I don't disagree with your approach but there is no way I would
lecture a client or influential colleague this way, nor escalate
the issue to management. Not if I valued my livelihood.
The customer made a clunky quip that some people might have
found funny if gauche. It's unfortunate that it zeroed in on a
hot buttion for the OP but to make a federal case out of it at
work -- or even gnaw over it in private -- is really OTT. It
really wasn't a commentary on her personal life, at all, but
more of a 'ain't that the way things go' sort of remark.
#Post#: 32467--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: Dr. F. Date: June 6, 2019, 8:22 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
How about a cheerful, upbeat, "Actually, I dumped his ass
because he was a jerk/was cheating on me/was horrible in
bed/other!" The key would be to be happy and take back the high
ground, i.e., he didn't leave me, I dumped him, and he deserved
it! It doesn't matter what the reality of the situation was,
just make it clear that you're way, waaaay happier with that
jerkface out of your life. You don't have to give the real
reason, in fact, it would be easier to NOT deal with the real
reason. Heck, you could come up with a new reason each time,
just to keep them guessing!
#Post#: 32490--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: Wanaca Date: June 7, 2019, 10:49 am
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[quote author=Dr. F. link=topic=1174.msg32467#msg32467
date=1559870559]
How about a cheerful, upbeat, "Actually, I dumped his ass
because he was a jerk/was cheating on me/was horrible in
bed/other!" The key would be to be happy and take back the high
ground, i.e., he didn't leave me, I dumped him, and he deserved
it! It doesn't matter what the reality of the situation was,
just make it clear that you're way, waaaay happier with that
jerkface out of your life. You don't have to give the real
reason, in fact, it would be easier to NOT deal with the real
reason. Heck, you could come up with a new reason each time,
just to keep them guessing!
[/quote]
The first response that I thought of was, "Actually, I left him
because he made me move the fridge one too many times." But I
am used to replying to those types of remarks (I've been
divorced three times).
The subject doesn't bother me because I figure that most people
know that divorces don't usually happen for trivial reasons like
moving furniture. But I can definitely understand someone else
being hurt by those types of remarks. Divorce is a tough thing
to go through.
I agree that dealing with it in the moment then quickly moving
on would be a good idea. Perhaps something like,"Oh now, we
don't want to go there" and then quickly follow with some bean
dip like, "So what kind of refrigerator did you get?" That
would get the point across that it isn't a good topic and move
things along.
#Post#: 32495--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: Jem Date: June 7, 2019, 12:54 pm
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[quote author=Lexophile link=topic=1174.msg32483#msg32483
date=1559919915]
I'm assuming what she went through was bad enough. She shouldn't
have to suffer in silence for the sake of not hurting a client's
feelings.
The onus to act appropriately is on all of us.
[/quote]
I don’t think anyone is saying she should suffer in silence; I
think people are suggesting the OP think about what she wants
and whether/how what she does will get her what she wants.
If the goal is to embarrass the client and ensure everyone knows
at least some details of the OP’s divorce, then escalating the
situation is a good idea. If the goal is to minimize the
attention given to the OP’s divorce, addressing it firmly but
without “scolding” is the best way to respond, in my opinion.
Just redirect and move on: “What a strange thing to say!
Anyway.....”
Attacking someone for a failed attempt at a joke or using it as
some sort of education is bound to call more attention to a
situation the OP likely does not want to be public knowledge.
Escalating it into meetings and formal reprimands is going to
take a lot of emotional energy from the OP for something that,
I’m my opinion at least, could more effectively be addressed by
nipping it in the bud and moving on.
The point isn’t to not hurt the client’s feelings. The goal is
to achieve what the OP wants.
#Post#: 32498--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: TootsNYC Date: June 7, 2019, 1:01 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
another in-the-moment response: a friendly "let's not make
comments about people's personal lives."
And I'd also avoid mentioning anything about my personal life
with this client. All business with her.
#Post#: 32503--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: Bada Date: June 7, 2019, 3:04 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1174.msg32498#msg32498
date=1559930513]
another in-the-moment response: a friendly "let's not make
comments about people's personal lives."
And I'd also avoid mentioning anything about my personal life
with this client. All business with her.
[/quote]
I don't think I could say this (the first statement) to a VIP
client.
I do agree that I wouldn't ever chime in again with anything
personal, no matter how safe the topic seemed. For whatever
reason, this client loves bringing up your ex/your divorce, so I
would just be mute and hope to avoid her notice on these calls.
#Post#: 32571--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: HenrysMom Date: June 9, 2019, 8:30 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I don’t remember exactly how it went, but I heard a story about
how Queen Victoria would shut down what she considered
“inappropriate” conversation. It went something like “she would
ignore the comment or change the conversation in a manner as to
subtly make the person feel they had made a mistake.”
#Post#: 32577--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: Aleko Date: June 10, 2019, 12:51 am
---------------------------------------------------------
If the client says anything of the kind again, you could perhaps
try leaving three beats of dead silence, enough for her to feel
a subliminal wisp of unease, and continue with "About the cover:
do you want to go with design A or design B?"
That way you haven't said anything that could possibly offend or
make her resentful, but hopefully you have made her a tad less
keen on making merry cracks about your marital status.
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