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#Post#: 32235--------------------------------------------------
Your ex-husband left you because...
By: AnnesWhiteLady Date: June 3, 2019, 6:10 pm
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I need a sanity check and some suggestions on how to proceed.
BG: My ex-husband was abusive. I also had to get the HR at my
work involved at one point.
I was in a large (phone) meeting with several people (10?), one
of which is a big customer who must be kept happy. Her and
another women on the call were making comments about women
making their husbands move furniture and re-arrange for them.
In an attempt to jokingly get us back on track, I mentioned that
I was single so I just took care of it myself. The customer
quipped that now we knew why AnnesWhiteLady's ex-husband left
her - because he had to move the fridge one too many times. I
went silent for the remainder of the call.
So, first, am I overreacting or was that completely
inappropriate? Two, how would you handle it? If this was
anyone other than our big customer, I'd already have reported it
to HR.
#Post#: 32238--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: NyaChan Date: June 3, 2019, 6:31 pm
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It was a very silly (as in stupid) and ill advised joke to make.
I’m assuming they did not know your history but really I can’t
think of any sort of divorce where a joke like that would make
someone genuinely laugh with the joker. Did it feel like it was
said unthinkingly or was it malicious? That would make a
difference to me, but ultimately, it’s what you feel that
matters. It might be good to think about what you want in this
situation before acting or choosing not to act. What would make
this better for you or at least tolerable? It could be
something very different to many people.
Someone made a racist comment to me at work and opinions were so
varied from 1) she should be fired, 2) she should be put through
sensitivity training, 3) she should be made to apologize to you
in person. But what I really wanted more than anything was for
the manager who heard the comment and our department head and
Uber boss to acknowledge that, yes, this was a racist comment
and no, it shouldn’t have been said. Once I heard that, I
didn’t care what they did to the woman who said it.
So what is your desired resolution? Is it plausible that you
might achieve it through reporting at work? If not, could it be
achieved by receiving comfort and support outside of work?
#Post#: 32249--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: kglory Date: June 3, 2019, 7:50 pm
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That's horrible and out of bounds.
Even assuming this customer knew nothing about you, all you said
was that you were single. Why assume that you were divorced?
Why assume that your husband left you? And why verbalize these
assumptions?
Regardless of your history or marital status. Who wants to hear
people "joke" that you are so demanding to live with, your
spouse left you? and how is this work relevant at ALL?
That's a "joke" that might (might) be funny to other people, but
never funny to the person mentioned, who is the butt of the
joke.
#Post#: 32251--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: gramma dishes Date: June 3, 2019, 8:12 pm
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When did this happen? Today? Yes, that was inexcusable.
I'm rather surprised that no one said anything to you at least
privately, even if they were afraid to say anything in front of
Mrs. Importance for fear of losing her business.
#Post#: 32252--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: kglory Date: June 3, 2019, 8:15 pm
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[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=1174.msg32251#msg32251
date=1559610766]
When did this happen? Today? Yes, that was inexcusable.
I'm rather surprised that no one said anything to you at least
privately, even if they were afraid to say anything in front of
Mrs. Importance for fear of losing her business.
[/quote]
It sounds like it was actually the big customer who said it :(
Probably why no one reacted....
#Post#: 32253--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: gramma dishes Date: June 3, 2019, 8:17 pm
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[quote author=kglory link=topic=1174.msg32252#msg32252
date=1559610949]
[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=1174.msg32251#msg32251
date=1559610766]
When did this happen? Today? Yes, that was inexcusable.
I'm rather surprised that no one said anything to you at least
privately, even if they were afraid to say anything in front of
Mrs. Importance for fear of losing her business.
[/quote]
It sounds like it was actually the big customer who said it :(
Probably why no one reacted....
[/quote]
Yes. That's what I meant but didn't state it clearly. Thanks
for improving my unfortunately ambiguous wording. ;)
#Post#: 32255--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: kglory Date: June 3, 2019, 8:50 pm
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I'm sorry, that is what you said ! Ignore me, I think I'm too
tired to be commenting!
#Post#: 32260--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: lakey Date: June 3, 2019, 10:41 pm
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Sometimes "humor" is thinly veiled hostility. Okay, I'm having
deja vu. I think I may have said that recently on another
thread. Anyway, it's possible that the person did this on
purpose, but it is also possible that the person was just being
thoughtless. A lot of us have made a comment and then realized
later that the comment was insensitive. I hope she wasn't
deliberately making light of what you went through.
Maybe other people in the phone meeting didn't say anything at
the time this happened because they felt awkward and didn't want
to draw attention to your possible hurt. Anyway, I hope that the
people you work with are generally supportive of you.
#Post#: 32295--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: AnnesWhiteLady Date: June 4, 2019, 12:56 pm
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To answer a few questions:
[list]
[li]No, no one in this new work group knows what I went through,
not even my manager. [/li]
[li]No, there was no purposeful ill intent. She doesn't even
know.[/li]
[/list]
I guess an apology would have been nice, but I'm not even sure
she realized her 'joke' was SO off. She's a big customer for
me, but not necessarily everyone else in the room. Really, I
just don't want her to do it again. I think I need to just tell
my manager and let him handle it.
#Post#: 32322--------------------------------------------------
Re: Your ex-husband left you because...
By: Victoria Date: June 4, 2019, 4:45 pm
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I'm not saying that you should keep silent if this is a point of
distress for you, or if you feel that you won't be able to
concentrate or work with this client. I guess my question is, do
you want her to not do it again more than you want to not lay
out your "dirty laundry" to your manager and the client? Because
you'll have to do some explanation about why this was
particularly upsetting to you. I would also examine what the
odds are that this would come up again in conversation. Does she
know you're divorced, or she knows but doesn't know the reason?
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