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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 32216--------------------------------------------------
Wording for non-hosted gathering - resolved post 8
DIR By: Hanna
Date: June 3, 2019, 2:05 pm
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We are having 50 out of town guests at our wedding. Friday we
will have a quick rehearsal then head to a local outdoor cafe
that has a park-like setting. The menu is small plates, beer and
a few cocktails.
We want to let people know where we will be and ask them to join
us if they like, but not leave the impression we are hosting*.
This is a casual place and tables cannot be reserved.
I’m guessing about 20ish people will come.
Suggestions?
*this was because I was not sure it was possible to run a tab
and there is only window service. Turns out it's no problem so
we will be hosting instead.
#Post#: 32219--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wording for non-hosted gathering
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: June 3, 2019, 2:48 pm
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How many are coming from the rehearsal? Are you hosting them,
or are they paying their own way?
I know people often do it, but I wouldn't say anything "to let
people know where [you] will be and ask them to join [you]if
they like" unless you are prepared to host them. I'm not saying
you have to host them, but I wouldn't "invite" them to come and
pay their own way. I've gotten invitations like that, and it
felt kind of off.
How far have these people come? Will they have spent a lot of
money to travel, had to take off work, get sitters?
If it is not at a meal time, then it would be better. But then,
it would also be cheaper to pay for, say, a few snacks and some
pitchers of lemonade or beer for the whole group, too. Or
perhaps invite everyone to dessert later somewhere else.
I know every community is not like mine, where it would be
uncommon not to include (and pay for) all the out of town guests
for everything all weekend (often other relatives and family
friends host some events). So I'm definitely not saying that
you have to host your 20-50 that night. But I think it is
preferable just not to say anything than to functionally
"invite" them to pay their own way, especially if you are paying
for others, such as your wedding party. That is definitely A
and B list.
If people ask you "what's going on Friday night?" you can
answer, "A bunch of us are going to XYZ cafe at 7:00." But, and
this is important, I would be really worried that they might not
be able to be seated, as you say the place doesn't take
reservations. I don't know how many of you are coming from the
rehearsal, but that number plus 20, let alone more, will likely
be a real mess. There is no way you will all be seated together
or even at the same time. I don't think you are going to feel
comfortable sitting and eating while your out of town guests are
standing around for a half an hour or longer waiting for a
table. Even people who are completely used to paying their own
way at an event like this would probably wonder what was the
point of your telling them to join you if they are seated clear
on the other side of the restaurant when you are finishing
dessert.
Sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, and I am sure
others feel differently. And it won't be the end of the world
if you do this. I have been the out of town guest in these
situations, and I certainly didn't get angry at the HC or
anything. But I have to admit it felt inhospitable, especially
where the guests have spent a lot of money to travel, for
hotels, all their other meals, etc. I would either host
something for everyone -- and it doesn't have to be expensive;
pizza or sandwiches at a park or back yard is fine, or even
light snacks not at a meal time -- or else, especially if the
out of town guests don't know each other, just not say anything
and let people make their own dinner plans Friday night.
#Post#: 32233--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wording for non-hosted gathering
DIR By: jpcher
Date: June 3, 2019, 5:07 pm
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I tend to agree with Gellchom.
Having 20ish people along with the bridal party show up at a
venue that doesn't take reservations, especially on a Friday
night, might be a bit over the top for the venue itself when 20+
people show up all at once.
How large is the place? You mentioned a park-like setting, are
people allowed to bring blankets and sit on the lawn?
1. I think you should call the venue and ask them if they would
be able to accommodate 20+ people at X time. (How busy are they
an Friday nights?)
2. Stick to your original plan and only host the bridal party at
that particular venue.
3. Find a different venue that will accommodate all (if the
original balks).
Wording? That's a toughie.
"After the wedding rehearsal on Friday night, the bridal party
will be gathering at X place. They have wonderful small plates,
such as Xplate for $7.50 and Yplate for $9.00 along with beer
(list beers) and and cocktails at Xprice. It would be wonderful
if you could join us at the very beginning of our new
adventure."
I don't think listing prices and menu options is tacky, do you?
It gives a nod to the fact that you're not hosting.
#Post#: 32236--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wording for non-hosted gathering
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: June 3, 2019, 6:16 pm
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I have to agree. Either just host the bridal party at the
original place, or invite everyone for pizza if you can't host
an additional 20 people. Anything else seems "first and second
tier" if that makes sense.
#Post#: 32246--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wording for non-hosted gathering
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: June 3, 2019, 7:46 pm
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I'm not sure I'm following the plan. Are you hosting the bridal
party who will be at the rehearsal but also want to extend the
invite to others who may want to join? Or are you not hosting
anyone and the 20 people are the bridal party and close
relatives?
If it is the second, i.e. bridal party, I do think you need to
speak to each individually. Having a hosted rehearsal dinner is
such an accepted custom (at least in my area) that I'd be really
thrown off to learn last minute that is was dutch treat. I think
it is fine to call each of them and state that while you would
like to be able to host, you just can't. And state you'd like to
have an informal get together at this venue for those who would
like to join you. I don't think it's appropriate to issue an
"invitation" if you are not hosting. But a call is fine.
If however you are planning to host the bridal party but also
want to include others, i'd stage it that there was time for the
hosted event and then invite others to "show up" at a later
time. And also let your bridal party know that you'll be hosting
from 6 to 8, but it will become self paid after that.
#Post#: 32270--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wording for non-hosted gathering
DIR By: Hanna
Date: June 4, 2019, 6:23 am
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I wrote out more detail but lost my post! I know this is an
unusual plan, but it’s happening and I’m certain it’s going to
come off because I know the players and have seen the space. The
mechanics of paying are the problem. It’s window service and I’m
not sure if we can run a tab but I’ll call the owner today and
ask.
We have 2 groomsmen/2 bridesmaids. (All very close, bridesmaids
are two lifelong friends of mine. Groomsmen are his son and his
best friend) Rehearsal will be very quick and informal. None of
us wanted a big event for Friday night. My Dad and brother will
be there also.
The people involved are our friends from where we live, bunch of
gen Xers, who I’m dead certain care not about paying or not
paying if they know up front. Also one of my aunts and uncles,
and one of his also. The aunts both liked the idea. We will
tell everyone that will have arrived in town and not risk
someone being left out of the option. Everyone will be treated
the same however it works out.
We won’t need tables all together, it’s a mingle about and enjoy
the surroundings type of place so as long as we have a few
tables anywhere we will be happy.
This cafe is a really special, almost magical place and it’s not
possible to reserve space there, but I know people will love the
space. The plan is to tell anyone that’s already in town that we
will be there from 5ish to 6:30 for drinks and small plates and
send a link to their website.
After that any family and friends around will do their own
thing, and I’ll probably take my bridesmaids and head back to
the house to just relax. Groom will do the same with his people.
Dad will take the Aunts, etc. This is way too early for dinner
for our crowd so they won’t be expecting big food at this hour.
#Post#: 32294--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wording for non-hosted gathering
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: June 4, 2019, 12:50 pm
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I'm confused about the numbers, unless you have an awful lot of
aunts (maybe you do). You say "the people involved," but you
say some of the Gen Xers are local, and I thought we were
talking about 20-50 out of town people. Can you clarify how
many people you are definitely expecting, how many more you
would be "inviting," and how many you estimate will come?
How many can the cafe seat? Is it usually crowded at this time?
Can you reserve it for your time period?
Are you treating any of these people?
I can tell you really, really love this "magical" cafe. I'm
sure it's wonderful, and I understand your hearts are set on it.
But do take a moment to picture how this is all going to play
out. It may simply not be the best choice for this many people.
I recall a string on the old board about a HC who were planning
on using their favorite food truck for their wedding reception.
The poster, the bride, was focusing only on whether her mother
was wrong for thinking it wasn't classy enough, or something.
But I remember thinking, "Never mind that -- is this food truck
experienced with this? Are they able to turn out large enough
quantities of food quickly enough to cater a sizable wedding
reception? It could be the best food in the world, but if they
are as slow as my favorite food truck, this will be a real
mess." So take a step back and look objectively at your plans.
You don't want to start off your wedding weekend with your
guests feeling unwelcome. Even if they'd agree that the cafe is
marvelous, they may still wish you had chosen something that
worked out better logistically. I know that when I attend an
out of town wedding, the most important part for me is being
able to be with special people I rarely see, way more important
than how good the food or venue is.
You know the people involved, and we don't, so you are in a
position to judge how they'd feel. Do be sure, though, that you
aren't letting wishful thinking color your ideas of how they'd
feel and also that you aren't only thinking about your peers,
but also the older relatives you mentioned. They are your
guests, too.
Sorry to be a wet blanket!
#Post#: 32298--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wording for non-hosted gathering
DIR By: Hanna
Date: June 4, 2019, 1:19 pm
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Sorry if I was confusing, Gellchom. When I wrote “where we
live” I should have explained that we all live in another state.
I’m getting married in the state where I grew up. Our friends
from where we live are making a holiday out of it, many coming a
few days early and/or staying a few days after. On Sunday we
have a tour bus booked for them. There are two aunts, both super
cool and already aware of the plan before I solidified it and
they liked it. In fact, by now most of these people already
know, so I just need to email details and directions.
The 20ish people I mentioned in my OP includes all the people
from the rehearsal, fiancé and I also. The rest of the people
from out of town are not coming until late that night or the
next day.
Point taken that you wouldn’t do this or enjoy it and that you
expect it to fall flat. I’m honestly just looking for wording
advice for my email to the folks so all of this additional
information about headcount, people involved, ages of people,
food available, etc really isn't relevant to what I am asking. I
guess I'm JADING in my own thread!! ;D But The plan is not going
to change based on anything in this thread. (Not that I mind the
discussion!)
#Post#: 32305--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wording for non-hosted gathering
DIR By: Hanna
Date: June 4, 2019, 2:00 pm
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--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> I'm not sure I'm following the plan. Are you hosting the
bridal party who will be at the rehearsal but also want to
extend the invite to others who may want to join? Or are you not
hosting anyone and the 20 people are the bridal party and close
relatives?
>
> If it is the second, i.e. bridal party, I do think you need to
speak to each individually. Having a hosted rehearsal dinner is
such an accepted custom (at least in my area) that I'd be really
thrown off to learn last minute that is was dutch treat. I think
it is fine to call each of them and state that while you would
like to be able to host, you just can't. And state you'd like to
have an informal get together at this venue for those who would
like to join you. I don't think it's appropriate to issue an
"invitation" if you are not hosting. But a call is fine.
>
> If however you are planning to host the bridal party but also
want to include others, i'd stage it that there was time for the
hosted event and then invite others to "show up" at a later
time. And also let your bridal party know that you'll be hosting
from 6 to 8, but it will become self paid after that.
>
--- End Quote ---
Thanks Hmmm!
I just called and spoke with the owner and he was really
reassuring and helpful. We can run a tab and host everyone and
he outlined different ways we can do this but I will opt for
fully hosting. He said it won't be a problem getting enough
tables at the time of day we are coming and that 10 people fit
at a table so we'd only need 2-3.
He also said they've had wedding parties that didn't want a
formal dinner do this exact thing there. I was a little
surprised by that but it's good news.
So sounds like my question is no longer relevant.
#Post#: 32309--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wording for non-hosted gathering - resolved post 8
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: June 4, 2019, 2:57 pm
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So glad it is working out the way you want. I think it sounds
lovely.
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