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#Post#: 31978--------------------------------------------------
How to tell your mother to stop and not sound like a terrible pe
rson yourself.
By: Despedina Date: May 30, 2019, 4:56 pm
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So I've been having an ongoing issue with my mother. I'm able to
manage it in general but sometimes I just blank on what to do.
I've found that I can't spend more than about 12 hrs with her
before she no longer tries to be polite (or even reasonable at
times).
A couple of weekends ago my sisters, their families and my
mother went on our yearly camping trip. It was fine until
Saturday evening. Just prior to that my DH my younger son and I
walked to the top of the hill to an overlook and also to check
the radar on our phones (we had no service in the campground and
the radio had been mentioning strong storms possible from time
to time). When we got up there we saw a line of strong storms a
couple hours away. When we got back down the the campsites I
quietly told my one sister to please make sure everyone was
putting away anything they didn't want wet and to finish their
outdoor dinner cooking in the next hour or so. I didn't
announce it loudly because some of my nieces and nephews are
very young and I didn't know if they were afraid of storms. In
general everyone knew it was going to rain that evening as we
had mentioned it several times all day, we just didn't know when
it would arrive or how strong they would be.
I walked back over to our campsite and told my sons to get
things inside the camper. We had put out 2 hammocks during the
day - one was in our site and one was in the other site where
the little kids were swinging in it. An alert came over the
radio that there was a severe thunderstorm warning in our area
for the next 45 minutes. I told my sons to get the hammocks
taken down. My older son (15) went over to where the little kids
were swinging and asked them to get out because I told him to
put it away. My mom got up and told him to leave them alone. He
tried explaining that I told him to take it down and she got
really angry and said "I said leave it" (I heard about this
later from my daughter after my mom told her the story). DS
came back over to me and told me, pretty upset, that his grandma
basically told him to get away. I walked over there and asked
the little kids to please get up so that the hammock doesn't get
wet in the rain. My mom starts telling me to leave them alone. I
told her, no, it needs to be put up and if it stops raining
early enough we can talk about putting it back up. She starts
yelling "So what if it gets wet, I'll give you the $5 its
worth." " Is it that hard to throw it in the dryer when you get
home". I didn't know what to say but put my finger up and told
her to please not argue with me. My youngest sister piped up and
said "Mama, the kids have so many toys everywhere, its not like
they won't have anything to do". She finally quieted down. The
little kids who were not against getting out of the hammock at
my request in the first place got up and it got put away. (For
what its worth, these hammocks are not that cheap, and also they
are a pain to dry in the dryer because they have metal hooks on
the end that I'd have to remove. They also have a lot of folds
and we were already going to have the boys' wet tents to deal
with, there was no reason to have more wet things)
Any tips on how I can better handle situations like this in the
future?
#Post#: 31980--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell your mother to stop and not sound like a terribl
e person yourself.
By: kckgirl Date: May 30, 2019, 5:34 pm
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I think you did just fine telling her not to argue with you
about it.
#Post#: 31982--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell your mother to stop and not sound like a terribl
e person yourself.
By: Codewoman Date: May 30, 2019, 5:49 pm
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I think you, yourself, have provided the answer. When you spend
time with your mother, it needs to be in doses of 12 hours or
fewer.
Also, it might be good, if you think you can do it, to casually
mention this to her when everyone's a little calmer. "You seemed
really upset about the hammocks being put away. What did I
miss?" If you can manage it at the time, even, it might be good.
While someone else is putting away the hammock, say something
like "I'm confused. Why does my wanting to put away the hammock
make you so angry? Is there something else going on?"
If her responses are just going to be escalating the anger,
perhaps just thinking of her like a two year old is more
helpful. "I'll just take care of this and we can talk about it
when you've calmed down." You can't put her in time-out, but you
can set limits.
#Post#: 31992--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell your mother to stop and not sound like a terribl
e person yourself.
By: NyaChan Date: May 30, 2019, 7:02 pm
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I think you handled it really well! You stuck for your son, got
what you needed done, and you were polite in the face of her
rudeness :)
#Post#: 32011--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell your mother to stop and not sound like a terribl
e person yourself.
By: TeamBhakta Date: May 30, 2019, 11:40 pm
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I think you did quite well. I also recommend what I call the
"ignore the angry ghost" tactic, which goes like this (parents
of toddlers know it well):
Grandma: Rant rant rant!
You: (no response to Grandma) Thanks for getting up from the
hammock, kids. Now let's go put away the toys / eat dinner /
whatever else.
Grandma: Rant, rant, rant! Hey, wait a second, everyone is
skipping off without me. Wait for me!
#Post#: 32016--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell your mother to stop and not sound like a terribl
e person yourself.
By: Kimberami Date: May 31, 2019, 5:38 am
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"Mom, are we really going to let the kids play in the hammock in
the rain? Why is this so important to you? I don't want to deal
with a soaking wet item when there isn't any reason to let it
happen." Then just do what you need to do. If she's so danged
anxious to have a wet, unusable item to take home, then she can
bring her own hammock next time.
Honestly, I would wonder why it was so important to her. Do you
know? Did she apologize to your son? It might be worth it to ask
your sister to ask her children to move in the future. I know
that sounds silly, but it sounded like your mom's issue dried up
with someone else okay'd the request.
#Post#: 32024--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell your mother to stop and not sound like a terribl
e person yourself.
By: Hmmm Date: May 31, 2019, 8:22 am
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I think you handled the situation very well.
I am curious, are you the eldest or the normal "take charge" of
the family? I'm wondering if your mother feels like she has lost
being the "authority figure" of the family. Her behavior sounds
like a petulant teen. While this does not excuse her behavior, I
often find understanding why someone is acting the way they are
helps me figure out how to deal with them without loosing my own
temper.
#Post#: 32026--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell your mother to stop and not sound like a terribl
e person yourself.
By: Jem Date: May 31, 2019, 8:58 am
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[quote author=Codewoman link=topic=1162.msg31982#msg31982
date=1559256575]
I think you, yourself, have provided the answer. When you spend
time with your mother, it needs to be in doses of 12 hours or
fewer.
Also, it might be good, if you think you can do it, to casually
mention this to her when everyone's a little calmer. "You seemed
really upset about the hammocks being put away. What did I
miss?" If you can manage it at the time, even, it might be good.
While someone else is putting away the hammock, say something
like "I'm confused. Why does my wanting to put away the hammock
make you so angry? Is there something else going on?"
If her responses are just going to be escalating the anger,
perhaps just thinking of her like a two year old is more
helpful. "I'll just take care of this and we can talk about it
when you've calmed down." You can't put her in time-out, but you
can set limits.
[/quote]
I agree with this general advice, but in my experience the
bolded green language NEVER results in a de-escalated response.
Whether it is "productive" or "appropriate" for the mother to be
upset is immaterial when she clearly actually IS upset, and
treating her like a child is likely to result in her acting even
more like a child. I would personally choose language more like,
"I'm going to put the hammock away. We can discuss this later if
you want."
#Post#: 32033--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell your mother to stop and not sound like a terribl
e person yourself.
By: Bada Date: May 31, 2019, 10:06 am
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I think you did well. Anything along the lines of "It's time for
putting it away" with no additional explanation would work, in
my mind.
FWIW, in the example you gave, I could see my MIL doing the same
thing (though far more gently, fortunately). She's very much
"the kids are having fun, let them keep playing" regardless of
what task you're trying to move along to (leaving, bedtime,
dinner...). In that type of case, I think you do just need to
have someone with authority say, No, this is what needs to
happen. I think that's why when your sister agreed it was time
to put it away, grandma backed down. (Having another kid say it
won't cut it.) She just wanted the kids to keep having fun, but
she was reminded there are other ways for the kids to have fun,
so she was okay with the change.
#Post#: 32036--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell your mother to stop and not sound like a terribl
e person yourself.
By: Jem Date: May 31, 2019, 10:52 am
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[quote author=Despedina link=topic=1162.msg31978#msg31978
date=1559253384]
An alert came over the radio that there was a severe
thunderstorm warning in our area for the next 45 minutes. I told
my sons to get the hammocks taken down. …... I walked over there
and asked the little kids to please get up so that the hammock
doesn't get wet in the rain. My mom starts telling me to leave
them alone. I told her, no, it needs to be put up and if it
stops raining early enough we can talk about putting it back up.
She starts yelling "So what if it gets wet, I'll give you the $5
its worth." " Is it that hard to throw it in the dryer when you
get home".....
Any tips on how I can better handle situations like this in the
future?
[/quote]
I reread the OP and while this might not apply to any future
interactions, I do have some advice about how this particular
situation could have been better handled. It sounds like your
concern was the severe thunderstorm, but instead of focusing on
that what you said to your mom and what your mom heard was that
your concern was that the hammock would get wet. I think that if
you had framed it more as "for the safety of the kids I asked DS
to take down the hammock" it may have been better received.
Reading between the lines I don't think your mom understood that
there was "danger" involved and thought your main concern was
that a hammock would get wet.
She still shouldn't have acted as she did, BUT I do think that
being more clear about what was being asked and why could have
gone a long way toward getting everyone on the same page sooner.
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