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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 31178--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Rain
Date: May 15, 2019, 9:54 pm
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:-[
Year's ago I was going thru a rough time and "clicked" with
someone at a training class.
I then glomed (I realized later what I had done)
She responded by saying "I don't have time, I need to ______"
and left the area we were in.
#Post#: 31193--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Aleko
Date: May 16, 2019, 2:27 am
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--- Quote ---
> But yes, at some point Jane is going to have to be direct (not
blunt).
--- End Quote ---
- but only if Lucy fails to get the message after a diet of
consistent polite discouragement; and we have no reason to
suppose she is actually that insensitive. At the moment, Jane is
making nice to her, and allowing herself to be chatted to, so
Lucy may well believe that they are getting on like a house on
fire.
#Post#: 31197--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: May 16, 2019, 7:28 am
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I thought of this thread yesterday: a lady and I were chatting
in the warm pool [like a mini swimming pool with the option of
jaccuzzi jets, but we both preferred just rehabbing muscles in
the warm water], and after a while she asked my name and I asked
hers and we chatted some more. She told me she has a few 'gym
friends' that she chats to occasionally at the gym, but never
sees in real life, as she has enough proper friends.
I felt as though she was gently setting the boundaries before I
might get any wrong ideas.
[I promise, I don't glom onto strangers anywhere, let alone in
places we're not fully clothed! ;) :D]
I'm happy having 'gym friends', and now don't have to worry
about attracting a lonely person to myself that may need future
rebuffing [if you've ever been the 'nutter-on-the-bus magnet',
you'll know where I'm coming from!]. I thought she handled it
very well, but then again I wasn't trying to make a new friend.
:)
#Post#: 31221--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Victoria
Date: May 16, 2019, 10:56 am
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--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> [quote]But yes, at some point Jane is going to have to be
direct (not blunt).
--- End Quote ---
- but only if Lucy fails to get the message after a diet of
consistent polite discouragement; and we have no reason to
suppose she is actually that insensitive. At the moment, Jane is
making nice to her, and allowing herself to be chatted to, so
Lucy may well believe that they are getting on like a house on
fire.
[/quote]
I suspect that Jane has done far less rebuffing than we think.
IMO the nuclear option is reserved for when you've set your
boundaries at least a couple of times. I think for me
personally, by the third time of saying "No, I don't want to go
to lunch" coupled with a vague "I'm very busy/I have a lot going
on" I would be prepared to draw a more firm boundaries, but
probably not before.
#Post#: 32074--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: bopper
Date: May 31, 2019, 9:08 pm
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Here is another answer I saw on Captain Awkward:
“You’re a good neighbor, and I can tell you’re trying hard to be
a good friend to me, but I don’t want to [spend more time
together][join your book club][connect on social media][buy your
kids’ school fundraising crap][help you with your cat
rescuel][be friends]. I know this is awkward, and I’m so sorry,
but can we just go back to being friendly acquaintances, and
I’ll see you around the ‘hood when I see you? Thank you for
understanding,”
HTML https://captainawkward.com/2019/05/31/it-came-from-the-search-terms-the-last-day-in-may/
#Post#: 32225--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: June 3, 2019, 3:38 pm
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--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> Here is another answer I saw on Captain Awkward:
>
> “You’re a good neighbor, and I can tell you’re trying hard to
be a good friend to me, but I don’t want to [spend more time
together][join your book club][connect on social media][buy your
kids’ school fundraising crap][help you with your cat
rescuel][be friends]. I know this is awkward, and I’m so sorry,
but can we just go back to being friendly acquaintances, and
I’ll see you around the ‘hood when I see you? Thank you for
understanding,”
>
>
HTML https://captainawkward.com/2019/05/31/it-came-from-the-search-terms-the-last-day-in-may/
>
--- End Quote ---
I like the phrasing, but I don't see all the different things in
the list as equivalent.
I don’t want to[join your book club][connect on social
media][buy your kids’ school fundraising crap][help you with
your cat rescuel] -- all seem fine to me (although I'd avoid
calling the items "crap")
but
I don’t want to [spend more time together] [be friends]
can't help but be hurtful.
#Post#: 32265--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Star Wars Fan
Date: June 4, 2019, 3:03 am
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--- Quote from: Gellchom link ---
>
> [quote author=bopper link=topic=1122.msg32074#msg32074
date=1559354897]
> Here is another answer I saw on Captain Awkward:
>
> “You’re a good neighbor, and I can tell you’re trying hard to
be a good friend to me, but I don’t want to [spend more time
together][join your book club][connect on social media][buy your
kids’ school fundraising crap][help you with your cat
rescuel][be friends]. I know this is awkward, and I’m so sorry,
but can we just go back to being friendly acquaintances, and
I’ll see you around the ‘hood when I see you? Thank you for
understanding,”
>
>
HTML https://captainawkward.com/2019/05/31/it-came-from-the-search-terms-the-last-day-in-may/
>
--- End Quote ---
I like the phrasing, but I don't see all the different things in
the list as equivalent.
I don’t want to[join your book club][connect on social
media][buy your kids’ school fundraising crap][help you with
your cat rescuel] -- all seem fine to me (although I'd avoid
calling the items "crap")
but
I don’t want to [spend more time together] [be friends]
can't help but be hurtful.
[/quote]
Sometimes the truth is hurtful. That's life.
Ed.
#Post#: 32300--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: peony
Date: June 4, 2019, 1:31 pm
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Instead of saying outright "I don't want to be friends," it
could be couched in gentler terms:
"I need to save my breath for these exercises, I can't talk
right now!" pant pant
"Lately I have had so many demands on my time that it's next to
impossible for me to get together with friends and family.
Thanks for being so understanding."
#Post#: 32302--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Victoria
Date: June 4, 2019, 1:42 pm
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--- Quote from: peony link ---
>
> Instead of saying outright "I don't want to be friends," it
could be couched in gentler terms:
> "I need to save my breath for these exercises, I can't talk
right now!" pant pant
> "Lately I have had so many demands on my time that it's next
to impossible for me to get together with friends and family.
Thanks for being so understanding."
>
--- End Quote ---
There's a fine line between establishing lasting boundaries
(needing to save breath and not being able to talk "right now"
are temporary boundaries) and being unnecessarily harsh. I like
your last option but I wouldn't even use any qualifiers like
"lately" that imply a temporary state. It will still sting, but
it's not a judgment about them the way "I don't want to be
friends" is, it's a statement about yourself.
I know that "It's not you, it's me" is an old cliche, but if
someone said they had too many demands on their time or that
their life was chaotic and they appreciated my understanding, I
would walk away feeling better about myself than "I don't want
to be friends."
#Post#: 32324--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Star Wars Fan
Date: June 4, 2019, 6:28 pm
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--- Quote from: Victoria link ---
>
> [quote author=peony link=topic=1122.msg32300#msg32300
date=1559673061]
> Instead of saying outright "I don't want to be friends," it
could be couched in gentler terms:
> "I need to save my breath for these exercises, I can't talk
right now!" pant pant
> "Lately I have had so many demands on my time that it's next
to impossible for me to get together with friends and family.
Thanks for being so understanding."
>
--- End Quote ---
There's a fine line between establishing lasting boundaries
(needing to save breath and not being able to talk "right now"
are temporary boundaries) and being unnecessarily harsh. I like
your last option but I wouldn't even use any qualifiers like
"lately" that imply a temporary state. It will still sting, but
it's not a judgment about them the way "I don't want to be
friends" is, it's a statement about yourself.
I know that "It's not you, it's me" is an old cliche, but if
someone said they had too many demands on their time or that
their life was chaotic and they appreciated my understanding, I
would walk away feeling better about myself than "I don't want
to be friends."
[/quote]
I don't see anything wrong with telling somebody "I don't want
to be friends" (So we'll just have to agree to disagree). I'm
sure we've all had it said to us at one time or another. I know
I have and yeah at the time it hurt. But then you get over it
and move on and find some other people to be friends with. If
one person telling you that they don't want to be friends with
you is that upsetting to you then I think you have bigger
problems to worry about.
Ed. ETA: Because really in the end I'd rather know that
somebody didn't like me and didn't want to be friends with me
rather than me wasting my time trying to make
friends with them when that's not going to happen.
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