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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 30779--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Jem
Date: May 9, 2019, 2:24 pm
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--- Quote from: malfoyfan13 link ---
>
> Thank you everyone...yes, the problem Jane has is she's trying
not to be too blunt about it, but it's just not working. I told
her she may have to just tell Lucy outright that she is not
interested in socializing or being friends and let the chips
fall. That's what I would do in this situation. Jane is a
really nice, friendly person and that type tends to be a magnet
for "glommers". And she also feels sorry for Lucy, but I told
her that is not her problem, it's Lucy's.
>
--- End Quote ---
I'm having such a difficult time envisioning what Lucy is doing.
I am not a swimmer, but I have done enough swimming to know that
it involves having your face in the water and lots of movement.
Is Lucy actually physically stopping Jane from moving forward?
That is just bizarre! It's arguably battery.
I know that some people prefer to work out in a laid back way,
and are looking for ways to minimize the actual work they do
while still being able to convince themselves that they got an
hourlong workout because they "were at the gym for an hour." It
sounds like Lucy might be one of these people (and an
exceptionally rude person to boot, but it could be that she
assumes Jane would welcome the "break.") So I don't want to
assume Lucy is *intentionally* being rude to Jane (to be clear,
she absolutely IS being rude to Jane).
If I were Jane, I would be friendly but blunt....the first time.
"Lucy, don't come in my lane! I'm liable to hurt you!" and then
get back to aggressively swimming. If it happened again, I would
be more forceful and say, "Don't come in my lane - I'm doing my
workout and I shouldn't have to dodge you standing in my way."
And I would report this to the gym and have the gym address it
with Lucy. Lucy's behavior sounds both rude and dangerous.
I cannot think of any reason why Lucy would need to talk to Jane
while she is swimming. If Lucy needs help or is in distress,
there should be gym employees who can help her. In the locker
room I would just go about my business, provide responses as I
felt like it, and leave when I want to. "I'm going to have to
stop you there. Have a great rest of the day!" And then leave.
#Post#: 30784--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: May 9, 2019, 2:57 pm
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In a similar situation on the old forum, where the person trying
to glom onto someone just couldn't take a hint or get the
message with a less direct reply, the glomee was advised to say
something like, "Betty, I'm so busy with family and friends that
I don't have time to add anything else to my plate." This is a
little cold, but it does make clear that the glomee isn't
interested in making any more friends.
#Post#: 30786--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Kimberami
Date: May 9, 2019, 4:00 pm
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Please remind Jane that being direct isn't rude. It's perfectly
polite to say "I don't wish to talk" or "I don't want to go to
lunch" to Lucy. The problem with softening words is that they
leave the door open for future contact. If she really wants no
contact, clear and direct communication is the best.
#Post#: 30802--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: TeamBhakta
Date: May 9, 2019, 8:38 pm
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We have someone like that at work. The go-to solution is "Uh
huh, that's great" & keep walking. Also useful: "sorry, gotta go
to the bathroom" or (distracted tone) "You'll have to excuse me,
I need to text the hubby back. Have a good day!"
#Post#: 30808--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: malfoyfan13
Date: May 10, 2019, 12:45 am
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I appreciate everyone's response and I have passed them on to
Jane. I think she's still afraid that she's going to seem rude
if she tells Lucy she needs her space and doesn't want to
socialize with her but realizes she's going to have to set
boundaries with her.
I told her last night during dinner that it isn't rude to be
firm and clear with people who don't take a hint. Hopefully she
will be able to deal with this next time she goes to the pool.
I also think that part of Lucy's problem is that she needs a
peer group and is not going about finding one in the best way.
People who are trying to exercise mostly aren't looking to
socialize at the same time.
#Post#: 30813--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Aleko
Date: May 10, 2019, 2:24 am
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Personally I would keep 'I am not going to be bezzy mates with
you ever, and have no interest in socialising with you' (which
is a hurtful message however phrased) as a last resort. If Jane
can just consistently and politely refuse to allow her swimming,
texting, getting changed, etc to be interrupted by Lucy, unless
Lucy really has a social screw badly loose she will just give it
up as a bad job.
#Post#: 30814--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: May 10, 2019, 4:23 am
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--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> I'm having such a difficult time envisioning what Lucy is
doing. I am not a swimmer, but I have done enough swimming to
know that it involves having your face in the water and lots of
movement. Is Lucy actually physically stopping Jane from moving
forward? That is just bizarre! It's arguably battery.
>
> I know that some people prefer to work out in a laid back way,
and are looking for ways to minimize the actual work they do
while still being able to convince themselves that they got an
hourlong workout because they "were at the gym for an hour." It
sounds like Lucy might be one of these people (and an
exceptionally rude person to boot, but it could be that she
assumes Jane would welcome the "break.") So I don't want to
assume Lucy is *intentionally* being rude to Jane (to be clear,
she absolutely IS being rude to Jane).
>
--- End Quote ---
Re the bolded: that's how I swim. It is not how everyone swims.
I used to visit my cousin's gym with her occasionally, and we
would swim a few lengths together at her pace [head firmly up
(her hair took forever to blow dry), and gentle (almost doggy
paddle) strokes] as we chatted for a bit, and then she would say
"I'll let you do your swimming" as she knew at that point I'd be
itching to do something faster/more aerobic, and we'd meet back
up in the jacuzzi or sauna/steam room later [for more chatting;
it was a social occasion more than a heavy workout].
Another thought occurred to me: could Jane start wearing
swimmers' ear plugs? I've been stopped [and I've spoken to
other swimmers whilst they are stopped], and having to take out
the ear plugs makes a real show of 'this is interrupting me',
and putting them back in conveys 'I'm going to start swimming
again' pretty convincingly. If Jane were to go down this route,
tell her to get the brightest coloured ones she can find [the
clear silicone ones can be almost invisible, but bright blue
external opening blockers/blue & yellow stalked ones are
amazingly obvious].
I think being direct without being rude is Jane's best bet; I
wonder if Lucy is a direct communicator rather than a hinter?
If so, she may not realise that Jane has been trying to convey
"leave me alone" because Jane doesn't sound as though she has
actually used those words (yet).
#Post#: 30837--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: May 10, 2019, 12:15 pm
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--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> Personally I would keep 'I am not going to be bezzy mates with
you ever, and have no interest in socialising with you' (which
is a hurtful message however phrased) as a last resort. If Jane
can just consistently and politely refuse to allow her swimming,
texting, getting changed, etc to be interrupted by Lucy, unless
Lucy really has a social screw badly loose she will just give it
up as a bad job.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree with this. "I don't want to be your friend," or words
to that effect, may not be "rude" -- but it sure is gratuitously
cruel.
Jane doesn't want to be friends with Lucy or to spend time with
her, but it sounds like she does like her some, and, more
important, she doesn't want to be mean.
And it's just not necessary to be mean. People have given
excellent suggestions for avoiding conversation while swimming,
like "Sorry, gotta keep my heart rate up!" and afterward "Gotta
get home to hubby!" A few seconds of chitchat before or after
the swim, cut off with "Nice seeing you, Lucy. Gotta swim/go
home now! Have a good day," isn't going to ruin her schedule,
and it might mean a lot to someone who appears very lonely and
insecure.
I get it that some people don't take hints well and that
sometimes you do need to be a little more direct. But there is
direct and there is direct. People have suggested more general
statements about not ever having time for lunch dates and so
forth that are a step up from the above that are way short of a
verbal slap in the face.
It's like, sometimes you just wait behind someone who is
blocking your path; sometimes you say "excuse me" and perhaps
even give a little touch on the elbow; but it had better be a
major emergency before you shove them. In my opinion, telling
someone you don't want to be their friend is like a big shove.
#Post#: 30866--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: Star Wars Fan
Date: May 10, 2019, 10:00 pm
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--- Quote from: Gellchom link ---
>
> [quote author=Aleko link=topic=1122.msg30813#msg30813
date=1557473055]
> Personally I would keep 'I am not going to be bezzy mates with
you ever, and have no interest in socialising with you' (which
is a hurtful message however phrased) as a last resort. If Jane
can just consistently and politely refuse to allow her swimming,
texting, getting changed, etc to be interrupted by Lucy, unless
Lucy really has a social screw badly loose she will just give it
up as a bad job.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree with this. "I don't want to be your friend," or words
to that effect, may not be "rude" -- but it sure is gratuitously
cruel.
Jane doesn't want to be friends with Lucy or to spend time with
her, but it sounds like she does like her some, and, more
important, she doesn't want to be mean.
And it's just not necessary to be mean. People have given
excellent suggestions for avoiding conversation while swimming,
like "Sorry, gotta keep my heart rate up!" and afterward "Gotta
get home to hubby!" A few seconds of chitchat before or after
the swim, cut off with "Nice seeing you, Lucy. Gotta swim/go
home now! Have a good day," isn't going to ruin her schedule,
and it might mean a lot to someone who appears very lonely and
insecure.
I get it that some people don't take hints well and that
sometimes you do need to be a little more direct. But there is
direct and there is direct. People have suggested more general
statements about not ever having time for lunch dates and so
forth that are a step up from the above that are way short of a
verbal slap in the face.
It's like, sometimes you just wait behind someone who is
blocking your path; sometimes you say "excuse me" and perhaps
even give a little touch on the elbow; but it had better be a
major emergency before you shove them. In my opinion, telling
someone you don't want to be their friend is like a big shove.
[/quote]
No I disagree that it's "gratuitously cruel". I've been in
situations like that myself (and I don't know why but people who
usually "glom on" to me are almost always people I don't like).
I'm sorry but sometimes you have to be blunt with some people to
get through to them, because they just don't seem to get it
otherwise. And if it's true then I think it needs to be said.
People need to learn and understand that other people aren't
always going to like them. And I never "have to" be friends with
anybody, it's called freedom of choice. I don't like to be blunt
with other people but unfortunately there are times it's
necessary. I wish the OP's friend well in getting through to the
woman.
Ed.
#Post#: 30869--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: May 10, 2019, 11:49 pm
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I'm guessing that whenever Jane reaches the end of her lane and
pauses for a breath, that's when Lucy moves into her lane and
strikes up a conversation.
if it's the case that Lucy is actually swimming into the middle
of Jane's lane, and physically preventing her from finishing her
lap, that's extremely bizarre (and dangerous!). If that's the
case (which I hope it's not) the lifeguards should really be
calling our Lucy's behaviour.
I'm also in the camp that says "try not to be mean". I really
like the suggestions of Jane saying something like "Well, gotta
do some more laps, as I want to keep my heart-rate up!"
If Lucy is talking non-stop, I think it's fine for Jane to
interrupt her with something like "Sorry Lucy, I'll have to cut
you off there. I want to do a few more laps before I have to
go." Then she should just take off.
The lunch dates: I reckon Jane could simply say something like
"It's really kind of you to keep inviting me Lucy, but my
husband is ill, so I simply don't have the time. If things
change on that front, I'll let you know."
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