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#Post#: 30733--------------------------------------------------
People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
By: malfoyfan13 Date: May 9, 2019, 9:04 am
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I was having dinner with my friend "Jane" last night and she
asked for advice about a woman who has "glommed onto" her and
whose friendship she doesn't really want. I said I'd put it out
there on this forum and see if anyone can help her out.
The situation is that Jane swims for exercise at a community
college 5 to 6 mornings a week. She likes this to be "her" time
away from the stress of her home life, which includes an ill
husband. She met "Lucy" there and was friendly towards her,
because Jane is a friendly type, but Lucy seems to think Jane is
her new best friend. Jane described how Lucy comes into her
swimming lane and stops her because she wants to talk, and she
never stops talking. She also tracks her down in the locker
room and other parts of the building after swimming and wants to
continue talking or go out to lunch; Jane is not interested in
doing that at all. It's getting so Jane wants to avoid her
completely, but she doesn't want to stop swimming there or
change her time, since there are other activities in the pool at
various times of the day. She also goes in the early morning
because her husband is asleep when she goes.
So...Jane asked me, what can I say to her to get her to back
off, but not be rude to her? Since Lucy comes to the pool at
the same time there's really no way to avoid seeing her and Jane
feels that it would be awkward if she out-and-out tells her to
leave her alone, so she's looking for some phrases she can use
to shut down the conversations and get on with her exercise and
get home. Can you all help me out? I was trying to come up
with some ideas last night but aside from "It's nice to see you,
Lucy, and now I'm going to get on with my swim" I came up empty.
#Post#: 30736--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
By: NyaChan Date: May 9, 2019, 9:11 am
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She’s actually stopping her mid-swim? That must be very
irritating. I think your friend would be fine to say - aim in
the middle of my laps, excuse me - and then just keep swimming
and not stop even if she calls out again. In the locker room -
“Sorry, I only have a short window of time for my exercise, I
need to get going. Have a nice day” and be ready to walk away.
It may feel rude at first, but she is not obligated to be this
lady’s audience.
#Post#: 30738--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
By: bopper Date: May 9, 2019, 9:16 am
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First I would address the stopping swimming..."Lucy, you have to
stop this. Swimming is my "me" time and you aren't letting me
have that. I come to exercise so do not interrupt me."
See if that puts Lucy off.
If not, when she invites her to lunch. "Lucy I think you may
have misunderstood my interest. I have too much on my plate and
will never be able to go out to lunch."
#Post#: 30740--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
By: Chez Miriam Date: May 9, 2019, 10:09 am
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She could also try saying: "I get a limited amount of time to
swim, and I want to swim during that time", and if necessary:
"please don't keep pushing this, I don't want to have to change
my swim time to avoid you [but I will if you don't let it
drop]".
I suspect that Lucy is desperately lonely, and hasn't worked out
that being pushy often pushes people away.
Has she said already: "I have as many friends as I need/can cope
with at the moment, I wish you well finding friendship, but it
can't be with me"? As she's not interested in a relationship,
it could be worth being blunt rather than trying to hint around
the subject?
I suspect that whatever she says, Lucy will become upset, but
that really isn't Jane's fault or responsibility.
I hope she manages to fend off Lucy without too much hurt on
either of their parts, but Jane's first duty is to protect her
feelings, and then those of the intrusive wannabe-friend.
#Post#: 30745--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
By: Hmmm Date: May 9, 2019, 10:56 am
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If she tries to stop her mid-swim she has every right to act
annoyed. If she comes into her lane it is fine for her to say
"Is there something you wrong? No? I want to swim right now, not
chat." and then go back to swimming.
In the locker room say "Sorry, I know you enjoy a chat, but I
really don't have time, just trying to dress and get out of
here." or "Sorry, I really don't have time for social lunch
dates."
#Post#: 30753--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
By: Hanna Date: May 9, 2019, 12:10 pm
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I would first try "Lucy, please do not stop me while I am
swimming. This is very important to me for my health and it's
difficult for me to find the time to do this. I do not want
anything to interrupt it." Make sure she understands.
If she does it again I would say "Lucy, I asked you not to stop
me while I am swimming and you said you understood. What
happened?"
re: other places in the gym - "Lucy you are a lovely person, but
my life is very hectic right now and I just do not have time to
socialize. The gym an important part of my health routine so
unfortunately I am not able to chat while I am here."
Ultimately if she keeps pushing I would say "You have not shown
any respect for my boundaries and so we will not want to be
friends."
This type of thing sucks. Sorry for your friend. I think being
very direct and clear is the kindest way to handle it as Lucy
obviously doesn't get social cues.
#Post#: 30764--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
By: Kiwipinball Date: May 9, 2019, 12:54 pm
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If she doesn't want to be so blunt, she has a lot of options
given the circumstances. The stopping her mid-workout - "Sorry,
I need to keep my heartrate up." "Please don't interrupt my
workout" things like that. The good news is it's pretty
difficult to have a conversation while swimming laps (compared
to some other types of exercise). I might indulge in some
friendly chatter while getting ready to workout/leave. But if
she tried to keep me too long, I'd simply say "Sorry, I can't
leave my husband alone much longer" or "Sorry, I really need to
get going." It sounds like she genuinely doesn't have time to
grab lunch with people, so that makes it easier (if she
regularly had lunch with someone else that Lucy would know and
see about - much harder).
#Post#: 30771--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
By: malfoyfan13 Date: May 9, 2019, 1:31 pm
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Thank you everyone...yes, the problem Jane has is she's trying
not to be too blunt about it, but it's just not working. I told
her she may have to just tell Lucy outright that she is not
interested in socializing or being friends and let the chips
fall. That's what I would do in this situation. Jane is a
really nice, friendly person and that type tends to be a magnet
for "glommers". And she also feels sorry for Lucy, but I told
her that is not her problem, it's Lucy's.
#Post#: 30774--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
By: NFPwife Date: May 9, 2019, 1:47 pm
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[quote author=Kiwipinball link=topic=1122.msg30764#msg30764
date=1557424496]
If she doesn't want to be so blunt, she has a lot of options
given the circumstances. The stopping her mid-workout - "Sorry,
I need to keep my heartrate up." "Please don't interrupt my
workout" things like that. The good news is it's pretty
difficult to have a conversation while swimming laps (compared
to some other types of exercise). I might indulge in some
friendly chatter while getting ready to workout/leave. But if
she tried to keep me too long, I'd simply say "Sorry, I can't
leave my husband alone much longer" or "Sorry, I really need to
get going." It sounds like she genuinely doesn't have time to
grab lunch with people, so that makes it easier (if she
regularly had lunch with someone else that Lucy would know and
see about - much harder).
[/quote]
I was going to say the same thing about "Sorry, I need to keep
my heart rate up." I've used that when DH and I are out walking
and ppl stop us. That should be pretty doable when swimming. I
also agree with allowing some light chatter while changing then
ending with a "Gotta run!"
I really hate to be talked to when I'm gathering my things to
leave the house or shifting to a new place. If I can just
mindlessly listen and still be thinking about what I need to put
together with another part of my brain, I'm good. But if I the
person expects me to engage in a deep conversation, I've said,
"I'm sorry, I can't chat and transition. That's how I lose and
forget things."
Jane can do a progressive response. Try the softer - "Sorry, I
need to keep my HR up!" and the "I can't leave my husband alone
much longer, I have to get home to him," then graduate to "Lucy,
I can't stop my workout to chat," and "Lucy, I have a lot on my
plate. I barely have time for this workout. I can't do lunch."
Jane can make the boundary firmer until it's at the right level
of strength for Lucy.
#Post#: 30777--------------------------------------------------
Re: People who "glom onto" you - what to do?
By: Hanna Date: May 9, 2019, 1:58 pm
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[quote author=Kiwipinball link=topic=1122.msg30764#msg30764
date=1557424496]
If she doesn't want to be so blunt, she has a lot of options
given the circumstances. The stopping her mid-workout - "Sorry,
I need to keep my heartrate up." "Please don't interrupt my
workout" things like that. The good news is it's pretty
difficult to have a conversation while swimming laps (compared
to some other types of exercise). I might indulge in some
friendly chatter while getting ready to workout/leave. But if
she tried to keep me too long, I'd simply say "Sorry, I can't
leave my husband alone much longer" or "Sorry, I really need to
get going." It sounds like she genuinely doesn't have time to
grab lunch with people, so that makes it easier (if she
regularly had lunch with someone else that Lucy would know and
see about - much harder).
[/quote]
I really like this advice.
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