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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 30663--------------------------------------------------
Re: Spouse not invited to siblings wedding
By: Hmmm Date: May 8, 2019, 9:18 am
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[quote author=wolfie link=topic=1119.msg30660#msg30660
date=1557324845]
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1119.msg30651#msg30651
date=1557316281]
This is really odd! The Bride is definitely being rude in
excluding her sister-in-law (in the absence of any toxicity
between them, etc).
Others may disagree, but if I were in the LW's shoes, and the
Bride didn't change her mind, I'd still encourage my husband to
go to the ceremony (but the kids and I would skip it). It is his
sister after all, and his not attending could have major
ramifications for their future relationship (as in, she might
never speak to him again if he didn't attend). Unless he was
really prepared to completely lose his sister, I'd encourage him
to attend.
[/quote]
The sister not inviting the spouse because she isn't really
family already is major ramifications for their future
relationship. If that was my sister I would be considering if I
ever want to talk to her again.
[/quote]
I agree with Wolfie. Her DH may decide this was such a snub to
his wife that he may never want to speak with to his sister
again. By going to the wedding, it is encouraging a bad family
dynamic that says the person doing the unthinkable is getting a
pass to keep the family harmony.
Were I the bride's mother, I would be encouraging my son to
boycott the wedding. Her daughter needs to learn basic respect
for others. Or at least common knowledge etiquette that you can
not invite one spouse and exclude the other.
#Post#: 30665--------------------------------------------------
Re: Spouse not invited to siblings wedding
By: Jem Date: May 8, 2019, 9:25 am
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[quote author=wolfie link=topic=1119.msg30660#msg30660
date=1557324845]
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1119.msg30651#msg30651
date=1557316281]
This is really odd! The Bride is definitely being rude in
excluding her sister-in-law (in the absence of any toxicity
between them, etc).
Others may disagree, but if I were in the LW's shoes, and the
Bride didn't change her mind, I'd still encourage my husband to
go to the ceremony (but the kids and I would skip it). It is his
sister after all, and his not attending could have major
ramifications for their future relationship (as in, she might
never speak to him again if he didn't attend). Unless he was
really prepared to completely lose his sister, I'd encourage him
to attend.
[/quote]
The sister not inviting the spouse because she isn't really
family already is major ramifications for their future
relationship. If that was my sister I would be considering if I
ever want to talk to her again.
[/quote]
I agree with wolfie. I might encourage my husband to talk with
his sister to hopefully get her to see the error of her ways,
but I would be hurt if my husband placed his sister's ridiculous
demands over my feelings and position as his wife. Of course I
would want my husband to have a good relationship with his
sister.....but not at the cost of my relationship with my
husband.
#Post#: 30676--------------------------------------------------
Re: Spouse not invited to siblings wedding
By: Aleko Date: May 8, 2019, 12:33 pm
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This reminds me just a bit of a couple of cases I've encountered
of people doing genealogy and creating and maintaining a family
tree, but deliberately excluding the names of wives, on the
grounds that they 'weren't really family'. This idea is so
illogical, and so self-defeating in multiple ways (why go to the
trouble of researching a genealogy and deliberately omit half
your data? Especially when it might help you identify a
hereditary illness or distant relationship?) that the first
time I heard of it I took it to be the brainchild of one
individual nutter; but it does seem to be a thing. Maybe the
bride is of this opinion?
Anyway, she is self-evidently in the wrong, in so many ways. As
Hmmm says, one of the most basic rules in the book is that you
don't invite married people without their spouses. And if she
holds that for a woman marrying into a family doesn't make you
part of it, not only should she not expect to be invited to any
of her husband's family events ever, but obviously her own
mother doesn't qualify for an invite either. In fact, I think
her mother should decline the invitation on grounds of
solidarity; and certainly her brother should refuse. It is
outrageous.
#Post#: 30679--------------------------------------------------
Re: Spouse not invited to siblings wedding
By: wolfie Date: May 8, 2019, 12:52 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1119.msg30676#msg30676
date=1557336800]
This reminds me just a bit of a couple of cases I've encountered
of people doing genealogy and creating and maintaining a family
tree, but deliberately excluding the names of wives, on the
grounds that they 'weren't really family'. This idea is so
illogical, and so self-defeating in multiple ways (why go to the
trouble of researching a genealogy and deliberately omit half
your data? Especially when it might help you identify a
hereditary illness or distant relationship?) that the first
time I heard of it I took it to be the brainchild of one
individual nutter; but it does seem to be a thing. Maybe the
bride is of this opinion?
Anyway, she is self-evidently in the wrong, in so many ways. As
Hmmm says, one of the most basic rules in the book is that you
don't invite married people without their spouses. And if she
holds that for a woman marrying into a family doesn't make you
part of it, not only should she not expect to be invited to any
of her husband's family events ever, but obviously her own
mother doesn't qualify for an invite either. In fact, I think
her mother should decline the invitation on grounds of
solidarity; and certainly her brother should refuse. It is
outrageous.
[/quote]
so only men are really family? Women are just there to produce
heirs? so their own mothers are not even in the tree? that makes
no sense at all.
#Post#: 30683--------------------------------------------------
Re: Spouse not invited to siblings wedding
By: Gellchom Date: May 8, 2019, 2:53 pm
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I guess I could kinda see something like this if, say, the
ceremony were in a hospital room or a City Hall office that only
allows, like, 4 people at a time or something. But for no other
reason than lack of blood relationship to the HC? Honestly,
that's so strange that it almost goes beyond offensive to the
"too Just Plain Nuts to be personally offensive" zone.
Especially if the LW isn't the only one affected. Still not
okay, but not something I would boycott a sibling's wedding over
if I were the husband. In his place, I'd try hard to talk the
HC out of it, and if that doesn't work, then probably not bring
the kids to the ceremony, either. And buy my wife a nice
present.
I guess something similar must happen at weddings in faiths that
don't allow non-adherents to attend the rituals. Also not
something to take personally, I suppose. Would you boycott in
that situation, where you and your kids are adherents but your
spouse isn't? Maybe some people would.
#Post#: 30685--------------------------------------------------
Re: Spouse not invited to siblings wedding
By: iolaus Date: May 8, 2019, 3:17 pm
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I have to say you lot are nicer than the original thread - where
there were quite a few suggestions of 'dose the kids up with
haribo and coke and send them, taking yourself to the spa for
the day'
#Post#: 30687--------------------------------------------------
Re: Spouse not invited to siblings wedding
By: iolaus Date: May 8, 2019, 3:21 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1119.msg30676#msg30676
date=1557336800]
This reminds me just a bit of a couple of cases I've encountered
of people doing genealogy and creating and maintaining a family
tree, but deliberately excluding the names of wives, on the
grounds that they 'weren't really family'.
[/quote]
It depends - I'm not 100% on what you are meaning - if this is
just a patriarchal tree then clearly that is very weird. But on
my own family tree I don't include the people married to those
who I'm not directly blood descended from - so my great, great
grandfathers 5 wives are all included. His brothers wife isn't
(aside from a line of married X in 1878 at Y church), but then
his sisters husband isn't in the same way
BTW for those who were wondering the husbands reaction to the OP
is NSFW and he's definitely supporting his wife over his sister
#Post#: 30689--------------------------------------------------
Re: Spouse not invited to siblings wedding
By: Jem Date: May 8, 2019, 3:57 pm
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[quote author=iolaus link=topic=1119.msg30687#msg30687
date=1557346884]
BTW for those who were wondering the husbands reaction to the OP
is NSFW and he's definitely supporting his wife over his sister
[/quote]
Good! I am 100% of the opinion that a person should support
their spouse over anyone else. Of course, a spouse should not
ask their partner to do something that is against the partner's
best interest, so it is a symbiotic relationship, but I would
have serious reservations about my relationship with my husband
if he "chose" his sister's feelings over mine in a situation
like the OP.
#Post#: 30698--------------------------------------------------
Re: Spouse not invited to siblings wedding
By: STiG Date: May 8, 2019, 5:36 pm
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I just hit the link to read the comments; they've taken it down
while they look into the background, it says.
#Post#: 30728--------------------------------------------------
Re: Spouse not invited to siblings wedding
By: Chez Miriam Date: May 9, 2019, 7:32 am
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That is just such a brilliant way to create a family rift!
It can't be because the number of people is limited, if they can
find room for three minor children, but not their mother?
Since my mother-in-law told my husband that I wasn't invited to
her 80th birthday meal because she "only wanted her family
there", I've had my Get Out Of Jail Free! card that I don't
hesitate to use if I'm so inclined.
At least she can no longer play the "but it's faaamily" card and
expect a result other than I decide whether I want to go or not
(and my husband decides whether he would rather spend time with
the family he made than the one who made him [I don't try to
influence him either way, but will no longer let him get out of
prior plans without raising a stink]).
TL;DR: actions have consequences.
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