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#Post#: 30465--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with complaints from direct reports about shared
spaces and other managers
DIR By: Hanna
Date: May 4, 2019, 1:30 pm
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--- Quote from: Lilac link ---
>
> I agree that "grow up" or the vile "put on your big panties"
comments are less than helpful. There are many different styles
of communication and conflict management even among "grown-ups."
>
--- End Quote ---
Thanks Lilac.
This all has me thinking about tone and how various people
express the same things in different ways, and end up with
different results. Also about advice saying “I would” vs “you
should”.
I had someone once “tell” me to pipe down in the same space
rather than ask. He doesn’t sit in the area, have anyone
reporting tonhin there and is a peer of mine. I laughed at him.
I was introducing people from another country to their team
mates. If he’d asked me he would have gotten a better result.
The guy I’m writing about recently started assigning tasks to
several peers including me, with no authority to do so. Not one
of us did anything he asked.
I do believe he will change things when he’s made aware it’s
distracting to meet there. My real preference would be for the
person nearest the door to just tell him politely that the noise
is carrying. I believe the direct approach is best and that he’d
appreciate that. I’ll handle it myself using the advice here
but it carries a little more gravitas to say they have
complained to me than it would if one of them just casually
mentioned it.
Also, I have an office, he doesn’t. It’s not fair and I’m sure
it bothers him. I can’t summon him to my office nor walk over
casually to his (because he has no privacy.). So my doing this
is a little more serious (seemingly) than the matter really
requires.
#Post#: 30481--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with complaints from direct reports about shared
spaces and other managers
DIR By: Aleko
Date: May 5, 2019, 1:35 am
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--- Quote ---
> I agree that "grow up" or the vile "put on your big panties"
comments are less than helpful.
--- End Quote ---
I'd like to defend 'put on your big girl pants' and its variants
from the accusation of being vile, which is a very nasty word.
I say that to myself, when I mean to remind myself that I should
deal with a situation and that I can, if I only remember that
I'm a grown-up competent person and not some wilting flower or
damsel in distress. It empowers me. The tone may have been
misjudged here, but I'm sure it was meant in the same way that I
understand it.
#Post#: 30482--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with complaints from direct reports about shared
spaces and other managers
DIR By: oogyda
Date: May 5, 2019, 7:50 am
---------------------------------------------------------
To be clear; what I said, and what I believe several posters are
referring to, was "put on your manager pants".
#Post#: 30484--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with complaints from direct reports about shared
spaces and other managers
DIR By: Aleko
Date: May 5, 2019, 9:44 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Yes, but it's a variant of the same phrase, is what I meant.
#Post#: 30485--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with complaints from direct reports about shared
spaces and other managers
DIR By: oogyda
Date: May 5, 2019, 10:19 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> Yes, but it's a variant of the same phrase, is what I meant.
>
--- End Quote ---
Oh, I get that. In your response to that phrase, generalization
is appropriate. But, I think there is a difference with the
other examples. I deliberately steered away from "big girl" and
"panties".
I don't think anyone would have blinked an eye if I had said
"put on your manager hat". I guess I should have.
#Post#: 30486--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with complaints from direct reports about shared
spaces and other managers
DIR By: oogyda
Date: May 5, 2019, 10:22 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> [quote]I agree that "grow up" or the vile "put on your big
panties" comments are less than helpful.
--- End Quote ---
I'd like to defend 'put on your big girl pants' and its variants
from the accusation of being vile, which is a very nasty word.
I say that to myself, when I mean to remind myself that I should
deal with a situation and that I can, if I only remember that
I'm a grown-up competent person and not some wilting flower or
damsel in distress. It empowers me. The tone may have been
misjudged here, but I'm sure it was meant in the same way that I
understand it.
[/quote]
Thank you. I think the tone WAS misjudged (as well as the
actual words) and you understood dc it how I meant it! Coach in
the locker room kind of pep talk.
#Post#: 30539--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with complaints from direct reports about shared
spaces and other managers
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: May 6, 2019, 9:24 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> [quote author=Lilac link=topic=1114.msg30464#msg30464
date=1556993847]
> I agree that "grow up" or the vile "put on your big panties"
comments are less than helpful. There are many different styles
of communication and conflict management even among "grown-ups."
>
--- End Quote ---
Thanks Lilac.
This all has me thinking about tone and how various people
express the same things in different ways, and end up with
different results. Also about advice saying “I would” vs “you
should”.
I had someone once “tell” me to pipe down in the same space
rather than ask. He doesn’t sit in the area, have anyone
reporting tonhin there and is a peer of mine. I laughed at him.
I was introducing people from another country to their team
mates. If he’d asked me he would have gotten a better result.
The guy I’m writing about recently started assigning tasks to
several peers including me, with no authority to do so. Not one
of us did anything he asked.
I do believe he will change things when he’s made aware it’s
distracting to meet there. My real preference would be for the
person nearest the door to just tell him politely that the noise
is carrying. I believe the direct approach is best and that he’d
appreciate that. I’ll handle it myself using the advice here
but it carries a little more gravitas to say they have
complained to me than it would if one of them just casually
mentioned it.
Also, I have an office, he doesn’t. It’s not fair and I’m sure
it bothers him. I can’t summon him to my office nor walk over
casually to his (because he has no privacy.). So my doing this
is a little more serious (seemingly) than the matter really
requires.
[/quote]
When posting for advice, I would not be upset by someone
offering their advice by starting out with "I think you should".
I've asked them to give me advice. They obviously know that I
don't' have to take it.
I wouldn't have given this a second thought about how to address
but so far you've indicated you've brought it to the attention
of your boss, you've delayed addressing it for at least 3 days
while you pondered your approach, you'd prefer you staff to
address the problem and you've thought about bringing it up in a
management meeting. So I sort of see where some people feel you
are hesitant to address issues head on.
Since your staff has brought this to your attention, I think
it's wrong to expect them to be the one to address it. Catch him
in the hallway, send him and email, or speak to him after one of
his meetings. If I were one of your staff, I'd be as annoyed
with you for delaying as I would be with him.
#Post#: 30541--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with complaints from direct reports about shared
spaces and other managers
DIR By: Hanna
Date: May 6, 2019, 9:45 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Hi Hmmm,
This was brought to my attention Wed minutes before I posted it
here. He was not in the office Thursday and is not here today,
and I was not here Friday.
I agree with catching him the hallway and I will do that. One
of the two just told me this morning that if someone had a
complaint about them they would like to hear it directly rather
than from someone else. So sounds like she is considering it.
Me doing it means he's going to hear that my team is complaining
about him, no matter how I say it. I'm not worried about our
relationship, but his relationship with my team. But honestly
it's not breaking anyone's stride or raising their pulse at the
moment. It's worth addressing but not as urgent as all manner
of important things we are all doing.
I understand that not everyone minds being told "you are a
manager so manage!" and to put on some pants. I do understand
the intentions are not unkind but indeed it tweaks me and I know
I am not alone. Also re: I vs You language was as much about my
intent of how I handle the discussion with my co-worker as what
was happening here. In 12 step meetings they tell people to just
use "I" language instead for that very reason. I don't think
asking for advice is asking to be talked to like a child or to
be "coached". I'm still an adult even when I ask for help. :)
As for the word "vile" used up thread, pretty sure that was
tongue-in-cheek also and not meant as the dictionary definition
of vile. Although I have to also say I have a great admiration
and appreciation for Aleko's knowledge of language. I love
language and all discussion of it.
#Post#: 30546--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with complaints from direct reports about shared
spaces and other managers
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: May 6, 2019, 10:42 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> Hi Hmmm,
> This was brought to my attention Wed minutes before I posted
it here. He was not in the office Thursday and is not here
today, and I was not here Friday.
> I agree with catching him the hallway and I will do that. One
of the two just told me this morning that if someone had a
complaint about them they would like to hear it directly rather
than from someone else. So sounds like she is considering it.
>
> Me doing it means he's going to hear that my team is
complaining about him, no matter how I say it. I'm not worried
about our relationship, but his relationship with my team. But
honestly it's not breaking anyone's stride or raising their
pulse at the moment. It's worth addressing but not as urgent as
all manner of important things we are all doing.
>
> I understand that not everyone minds being told "you are a
manager so manage!" and to put on some pants. I do understand
the intentions are not unkind but indeed it tweaks me and I know
I am not alone. Also re: I vs You language was as much about my
intent of how I handle the discussion with my co-worker as what
was happening here. In 12 step meetings they tell people to just
use "I" language instead for that very reason. I don't think
asking for advice is asking to be talked to like a child or to
be "coached". I'm still an adult even when I ask for help. :)
>
> As for the word "vile" used up thread, pretty sure that was
tongue-in-cheek also and not meant as the dictionary definition
of vile. Although I have to also say I have a great admiration
and appreciation for Aleko's knowledge of language. I love
language and all discussion of it.
>
--- End Quote ---
Saying they are complaining about him, even in your own
thoughts, assigns this as a complaint about a person and not a
complaint about a situation. Though your staff probably did name
the other manager as the problem, the real issue is "A meeting
is being held in a way that is causing disruption to your
staff's work. Can you do something to resolve it." There is also
no need to tell him that someone complained. "I noticed it's
distracting to my staff when meetings are held in the break
room. Would you use the conference room for your daily
meetings?"
On the second bolded, I did not mention that in my post because
I do not like the use of big girl panties.
As far as the timing, we on a board are not aware of your's or
his availability. We are responding to the information posted.
Something along the lines of "I won't be able to address till
Monday due to timing, so interested everyone's thoughts."
#Post#: 30548--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with complaints from direct reports about shared
spaces and other managers
DIR By: Hanna
Date: May 6, 2019, 11:23 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> [quote author=Hanna link=topic=1114.msg30541#msg30541
date=1557153912]
> Hi Hmmm,
> This was brought to my attention Wed minutes before I posted
it here. He was not in the office Thursday and is not here
today, and I was not here Friday.
> I agree with catching him the hallway and I will do that. One
of the two just told me this morning that if someone had a
complaint about them they would like to hear it directly rather
than from someone else. So sounds like she is considering it.
>
> Me doing it means he's going to hear that my team is
complaining about him, no matter how I say it. I'm not worried
about our relationship, but his relationship with my team. But
honestly it's not breaking anyone's stride or raising their
pulse at the moment. It's worth addressing but not as urgent as
all manner of important things we are all doing.
>
> I understand that not everyone minds being told "you are a
manager so manage!" and to put on some pants. I do understand
the intentions are not unkind but indeed it tweaks me and I know
I am not alone. Also re: I vs You language was as much about my
intent of how I handle the discussion with my co-worker as what
was happening here. In 12 step meetings they tell people to just
use "I" language instead for that very reason. I don't think
asking for advice is asking to be talked to like a child or to
be "coached". I'm still an adult even when I ask for help. :)
>
> As for the word "vile" used up thread, pretty sure that was
tongue-in-cheek also and not meant as the dictionary definition
of vile. Although I have to also say I have a great admiration
and appreciation for Aleko's knowledge of language. I love
language and all discussion of it.
>
--- End Quote ---
Saying they are complaining about him, even in your own
thoughts, assigns this as a complaint about a person and not a
complaint about a situation. Though your staff probably did name
the other manager as the problem, the real issue is "A meeting
is being held in a way that is causing disruption to your
staff's work. Can you do something to resolve it." There is also
no need to tell him that someone complained. "I noticed it's
distracting to my staff when meetings are held in the break
room. Would you use the conference room for your daily
meetings?"
On the second bolded, I did not mention that in my post because
I do not like the use of big girl panties.
As far as the timing, we on a board are not aware of your's or
his availability. We are responding to the information posted.
Something along the lines of "I won't be able to address till
Monday due to timing, so interested everyone's thoughts."
[/quote]
Good advice re: how I phrase this in my thinking. I agree that
matters.
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