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#Post#: 30305--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reception after elopement?
By: Jem Date: May 2, 2019, 8:37 am
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[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1111.msg30304#msg30304
date=1556803567]
But I didn't care. I'm more about individual circumstances than
blanket "rules."
[/quote]
POD. OP, you are never going to please everybody, so talk to
your fiancé and together decide what you want to do. You've
gotten quite a bit of insight into how various people view your
plans, much of it negative, some positive, but do you really
care what random internet strangers think? Is this really about
etiquette for you, or is it more about how you want to celebrate
your marriage? If it's about etiquette, absolutely do NOT go
through with your plans as articulated in your OP. If it's about
having a marriage celebration of your dreams, then do that and
just accept some people are going to disapprove. Some people
will disapprove no matter what you (general) do, by the way.
#Post#: 30310--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reception after elopement?
By: Hanna Date: May 2, 2019, 11:24 am
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[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1111.msg30304#msg30304
date=1556803567]
There are rare* times when I think it's understandable to get
legally wed and then have a bigger ceremony later, but it
doesn't make sense when there's no reason at all. If you're
going through with a bigger ceremony with vows in front of
guests, why not do that in the first place? ???
[/quote]
I understood it to be because the OPs fiancé was ill enough that
they are now using the word "remission." He wants to be married
ASAP. But they need time to plan in order to have a wedding with
the entire family and friends involved.
I think it's a matter of inviting people that love you and want
to witness the celebration of your marriage and are
understanding about the fact that you already did the legal
part. A know your audience thing. People are going to have
opinions regardless. (uh, someone suggested a purplish dress to
me! I've never been married, but am not young. I don't even
know what to say. Are we living in 1930? I guess there will be
whispers at the wedding. :o)
#Post#: 30312--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reception after elopement?
By: Lilac Date: May 2, 2019, 12:32 pm
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I do think people should relax when mortal illness is involved
but in this case if the couple wanted to be married ASAP
presumably they wouldn't wait seven or eight more months, and
then be planning a re-do a few months after that.
A small wedding or actual elopement followed by a "six-month
anniversary cookout" or something like that would be festive but
as mentioned, the shelf life of 'wedding celebration' vibes is
pretty short in this day and age.
#Post#: 30313--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reception after elopement?
By: Aleko Date: May 2, 2019, 12:38 pm
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[quote] Is this really about etiquette for you, or is it more
about how you want to celebrate your marriage? If it's about
etiquette, absolutely do NOT go through with your plans as
articulated in your OP. If it's about having a marriage
celebration of your dreams, then do that and just accept some
people are going to disapprove. Some people will disapprove no
matter what you (general) do, by the way.[/quote]
But this is also a case of you (both). What OP's fiance wants,
really wants, is also crucial. OP's statement -
[quote]I know men don't really care about the wedding details,
he keeps saying he just wants to be married, but I like planing
parties and weddings are fun to plan.[/quote]
- worries me a bit. Fiance says he wants one thing, but OP wants
another, and is breezily saying "men don't really care about the
wedding details", implying that it will be all one to him
whether she organises a ceremony with 'excitement', 'emotion'
and all the rest of it, or not. Is it really all the same to
him, or will he just put up with it because he knows how much
she wants it? Would he, deep down, really rather not have an
elaborate ceremonial bash? If so, it would be inconsiderate to
put a sick man through it.
#Post#: 30314--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reception after elopement?
By: Rose Red Date: May 2, 2019, 12:39 pm
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[quote author=Hanna link=topic=1111.msg30310#msg30310
date=1556814247]
I understood it to be because the OPs fiancé was ill enough that
they are now using the word "remission." He wants to be married
ASAP. But they need time to plan in order to have a wedding with
the entire family and friends involved.
[/quote]
[quote author=Lilac link=topic=1111.msg30312#msg30312
date=1556818357]
I do think people should relax when mortal illness is involved
but in this case if the couple wanted to be married ASAP
presumably they wouldn't wait seven or eight more months, and
then be planning a re-do a few months after that.
A small wedding or actual elopement followed by a "six-month
anniversary cookout" or something like that would be festive but
as mentioned, the shelf life of 'wedding celebration' vibes is
pretty short in this day and age.
[/quote]
Lilac's post is what I'm thinking. They're not getting married
ASAP in a panicked state of mind which I would completely
understand. ASAP means going to the courthouse this weekend. New
Years is over half a year away.
I honestly don't care what they do as long as they're happy, and
they should not care what strangers think either. I'm just
puzzled why they are eloping when they may go through with a
ceremony after a few months anyway.
#Post#: 30319--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reception after elopement?
By: lakey Date: May 2, 2019, 2:05 pm
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[quote]Lilac's post is what I'm thinking. They're not getting
married ASAP in a panicked state of mind which I would
completely understand. ASAP means going to the courthouse this
weekend. New Years is over half a year away.
I honestly don't care what they do as long as they're happy, and
they should not care what strangers think either. I'm just
puzzled why they are eloping when they may go through with a
ceremony after a few months anyway.
« Last Edit: Today at 12:48:54 pm by Rose Red »
[/quote]
Yeah the timeline here is strange. The couple needs to discuss
why fiance wants the small New Years wedding. Some people don't
want to be the center of attention and would find the big, white
wedding to be stressful.
#Post#: 30320--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reception after elopement?
By: Aleko Date: May 2, 2019, 2:14 pm
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[quote]I'm just puzzled why they are eloping[/quote]
- and I'd still like to have it confirmed that in the USA
'eloping' really just means 'not taking any friends and
relations with you when you go to tie the knot'? No implication
of having to run away somewhere to do it? No secrecy or
surprise?
#Post#: 30322--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reception after elopement?
By: Lilac Date: May 2, 2019, 2:37 pm
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Traditionally "elope" meant to go away secretly -- just the
couple -- and marry, announcing the marriage as a fait accompli
to family and friends either via telegram, letter, phone call or
upon return.
SURPRISE. JUST MARRIED AT CHICAGO COURTHOUSE. RETURN MONDAY
5:30 EXPRESS TRAIN. LOVE BARB & BILL.
#Post#: 30335--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reception after elopement?
By: Gellchom Date: May 2, 2019, 3:15 pm
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I agree with the points Aleko and Lilac made.
I'm not a big stickler on ceremony per marriage, although I
think one "wedding," big or small, per marriage is enough --
e.g., I'd go with a private courthouse ceremony for some
pragmatic/legal reason before or even after The Wedding,
especially if we are just talking about a few days -- you'd be
surprised how often that happens without anyone knowing about
it, or having to (officiant not licensed in that state so the
couple goes to city hall a few days before the wedding; someone
forgot to bring the license to the wedding so they have to do a
state-recognized re-do on Monday; etc.). And certainly a big
party after an elopement or very, very tiny wedding (as opposed
to a big cheap party after a small but nice or destination
wedding -- that's just A and B lists, in my opinion, and is
often seen as fishing for gifts without offering hospitality).
And I too remember the string about the couple whose mothers
were both dying -- perfect example, in my opinion.
But the timeline in this case is an issue. There is no
emergency here. It just kind of sounds like they want it two
ways. That's not uncommon or unsympathetic, but, as in the case
with destination weddings, sometimes you just have to make a
choice. I agree that it sounds like the OP may be making
assumptions about how little her fiance cares, to make it
easier, and I also agree that while her vision does sound fun,
his also sounds romantic.
But I'm chiming in because my concern is NOT about how others
might feel about it. I do think there would be some
eye-rolling, but so what? Rather, I'm concerned that YOU, OP,
will not enjoy this as much as you hope if you do a BWW a few
months after a small ceremony. I'm afraid that you will be
second-guessing yourself the whole time during the planning and
the event itself, and that would be a shame, because it would
cut into your enjoyment at this wonderful time.
If you were my sister or best friend, I would advise you to
choose between these options:
(1) Have one event, at the time and in the style that you and
your fiance agree on
or
(2) Have a small, private (at most immediate family and
grandkids only) ceremony, and then a fun party with no ceremony.
If it's close to the date of the ceremony, I'd go ahead and
call it a reception and have, if you want, a wedding cake,
corsages, toasts, maybe even matching dresses for the little
girls. But no quasi-ritual; I think it's just going to feel
funny to your guests and, more important, to YOU. Ask yourself
honestly what the purpose of the "ritual" would be. (If you
will have a civil ceremony first and then a religious ceremony,
that's different, but then I'd still keep them fairly close in
time.)
If you have it much later, I'd wait and make it an anniversary
party. You can have toasts and flowers and such then, too.
#Post#: 30353--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reception after elopement?
By: TootsNYC Date: May 2, 2019, 11:18 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1111.msg30320#msg30320
date=1556824472]
[quote]I'm just puzzled why they are eloping[/quote]
- and I'd still like to have it confirmed that in the USA
'eloping' really just means 'not taking any friends and
relations with you when you go to tie the knot'? No implication
of having to run away somewhere to do it? No secrecy or
surprise?
[/quote]
In recent years, Americans have been misusing "elope" to mean
"go off somewhere without a lot of hooplah." Some people even
use that term for a wedding that was planned for a year, and for
which several friends were invited! (I edited the term out of
that story, but it was still framed, in the larger story, as an
elopement.)
It did used to mean "leaving secretly and getting married
without family and most friends knowing." But people have begun
misusing it.
I don't know that lack of advance planning was necessarily a
part of the classic Georgette Heyer / Gretna Green elopement;
maybe not months and months, I guess, but a month or two might
be involved in the planning. It was the secrecy that made it an
elopement.
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