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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 30047--------------------------------------------------
Need advice
DIR By: spunkyboy08
Date: April 28, 2019, 8:11 am
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My husband and I belong to a bible study group consisting of
several members of our church. This bible study group meets once
a week at one of the members house, and food is served. The
bible study began late summer 2018 and has continued this year.
Group bible study discussion occurs after the meal. Individual
comments are supposed to be encouraged.
The older retired married couple:
There is an older retired married couple who has adult children
and grandchildren. For the past several years I have noticed
that this couple likes to correct the behavior of my husband and
me either at church or during group bible study.
Examples are:
A group of us are gathered together, and the husband comes up
behind me and says to only me “stop hogging the drinks, I cannot
get to where the drinks are.” But I am not the only one who is
in the way. Other people are in the way. But I am the only one
he says this to.
Several of us would be getting the food that was made for the
bible study meal, and the wife tells me husband “elbows down”
when he is holding a plate of food in his hands while on the way
to the table. But he is not the only one doing this.
I have noticed that my husband and I are the only ones who are
treated this way by them.
Both of us are old enough to be their adult children.
The group bible study:
A male member leads the group bible study after the meal.
The group discussion is a free for all. Individual comments are
supposed to be encourage by all, but for my husband it has not
been this way. Beginning last year this male member has
dismissed my husband several times either verbally or
non-verbally by his body language. According to my husband,
other members have noticed this as well. That bothers both of
us. But other members can comment.
And we are supposed to be a family according to the group
members.
How should we handle this?
#Post#: 30051--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: April 28, 2019, 9:01 am
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Perhaps it is time for you and your husband to start your own
Bible study group. Surely there are newer people in your
congregation that might welcome an invitation into a newer and
smaller group.
I would personally be very uncomfortable to be in this group as
you describe it, whether I were you or your husband or whether I
was just another non-criticized person witnessing all this.
#Post#: 30052--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
DIR By: Hanna
Date: April 28, 2019, 9:11 am
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I would start firmly and politely pushing back on every comment:
At the drinks table “Sorry Bob, everyone has to wait their
turn.”
Elbows type of correction: “Excuse me?” with a serious stare.
In your husbands shoes, I would consider pulling Bob aside and
saying, “have I offended you in some way? I noticed you do not
welcome my input.”
In short, they are trying to treat you like children but you
have a right to respond as an adult.
#Post#: 30057--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
DIR By: spunkyboy08
Date: April 28, 2019, 10:11 am
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--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> I would start firmly and politely pushing back on every
comment:
>
> At the drinks table “Sorry Bob, everyone has to wait their
turn.”
>
> Elbows type of correction: “Excuse me?” with a serious stare.
>
> In your husbands shoes, I would consider pulling Bob aside and
saying, “have I offended you in some way? I noticed you do not
welcome my input.”
>
> In short, they are trying to treat you like children but you
have a right to respond as an adult.
>
> Yes, I do feel that we are being treated like children.
>
> We are the youngest couple in this group, but there is no need
for us to be treated like children.
>
>
>
--- End Quote ---
#Post#: 30058--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
DIR By: Isisnin
Date: April 28, 2019, 10:14 am
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Make a list of the comments and actions that are being made and
then a list of comments and actions you and your husband can use
to push back.
Besides the above; "Bob, I am not hogging the drinks. I waited
my turn and am now getting my drink. Please wait your turn."
To the elbows (and I don't get what she is talking about); "I
can't move my elbows any other way without surgical help."
To the dismissive study leader; "Leader, please allow my input."
"Please let me finish my input."
Since you mentioned that others have noticed, another bible
group seems like a good idea. Those others may be interested.
Bob and wife's actions must be making the others uncomfortable
too.
#Post#: 30060--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
DIR By: Kimberami
Date: April 28, 2019, 10:53 am
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If you enjoy this group, you could make your discomfort known to
them. During some downtime tell the group leader about how
hurtful his actions are. The easiest way to manage the
unpleasant husband and wife is to make sure that you are behind
them in the line. If they are ahead of you in the line, then
they have no reason to make any comments about elbows or drinks.
If they do continue to make comments, then you know it is a
personal issue.
The other option is to find a bible study group that better
suits you and your husband. That is the option that I would use.
There is no shame in admitting that sometimes people belonging
to the same group don't get along all that well. Instead of
trying to force a square peg in a round hole, just find your own
hole.
#Post#: 30064--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
DIR By: sandisadie
Date: April 28, 2019, 11:50 am
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I very much agree with Gramma Dishes. Well said!
#Post#: 30067--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
DIR By: Victoria
Date: April 28, 2019, 12:46 pm
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It sounds as if the retired couple are the sort of people who
don't respect anyone considerably below their age bracket, and
are used to bulldozing over them. So their behavior isn't going
to stop unless you correct it in the moment. It's not fair on
you, but I think that's the reality that you're dealing with. I
like all of Hanna's suggestions. You're going to have to start
calling out their behavior, not in a dramatic way, but in a way
that shuts them down as soon as they try to give you directions.
#Post#: 30070--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
DIR By: Dazi
Date: April 28, 2019, 1:44 pm
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I think you have to stop and take a moment to self reflect. Are
you getting what you need out of this group? Are things likely
to change? Are you willing to start your own group? Is this
really the best fit for you as a church in general?
I had a friend who was having similar issues a few years ago. It
was difficult for her to admit and accept that the church and
group just wasn't right for her. I gently prodded her to visit
other places that might be more in line with her views and her
own spiritual quest. She was really surprised when she did
stumble upon her new church family and they fit. She told me it
was like being in a bad relationship for years and not knowing
it until you find your person.
#Post#: 30071--------------------------------------------------
Re: Need advice
DIR By: lakey
Date: April 28, 2019, 1:54 pm
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I agree with the other commenters that these two are treating
you and your husband like children. Their correcting you is
disrespectful. Some people think that it is their role to tell
everyone else what to do, and as others have said, the only way
they will stop is if you deal with it at the time of the
incidents. You need to think about how to handle these incidents
ahead of time so that when they happen, you are ready with a
response. The suggested responses from other commenters are all
good, but if you are uncomfortable with being direct and
speaking up, you could give a look, such as shocked with eyes
wide, or raised eyebrows. A direct statement is more effective,
but some people have difficulty speaking up.
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