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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 29175--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: LadyRexall Date: April 10, 2019, 9:59 am
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Even though this is a sad occasion, I view “in lieu of flowers”
much like I would view the wedding registry, baby shower
registry, birthday/Christmas wish list. It’s saying “I would
PREFER a donation to xyz, but of course, you get to decide
ultimately what to give”. My mom was a minister and did
thousands of funerals in her lifetime. Most people that wrote
“in lieu of flowers”, meant “here’s a second option, in case you
want something more long lasting than the flowers that will die
in less than a week”. Of course, if I was very very close to
someone and knew the request actually meant “don’t send flowers.
We don’t want them and have nothing to do with them”, I wouldn’t
give flowers.
#Post#: 29180--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: kareng57 Date: April 10, 2019, 12:02 pm
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[quote author=LadyRexall link=topic=1079.msg29175#msg29175
date=1554908396]
Even though this is a sad occasion, I view “in lieu of flowers”
much like I would view the wedding registry, baby shower
registry, birthday/Christmas wish list. It’s saying “I would
PREFER a donation to xyz, but of course, you get to decide
ultimately what to give”. My mom was a minister and did
thousands of funerals in her lifetime. Most people that wrote
“in lieu of flowers”, meant “here’s a second option, in case you
want something more long lasting than the flowers that will die
in less than a week”. Of course, if I was very very close to
someone and knew the request actually meant “don’t send flowers.
We don’t want them and have nothing to do with them”, I wouldn’t
give flowers.
[/quote]
But that's just it - if you don't know them well, you don't know
whether the request means "please, no flowers". Around here the
phrase generally does mean that, and I don't understand why
someone wouldn't err on the side of caution. I don't think that
I've ever sent a charitable donation (I don't do flowers)
without reading the obituary first - they're not hard to find
even without a newspaper. I wouldn't want to guess for an
appropriate charity.
I still got a couple of arrangement when my Dh passed away, and
while I didn't consider it to be "rude" it was definitely extra
work for me; the vast majority of people sent the suggested
charitable donation.
#Post#: 29181--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Jem Date: April 10, 2019, 12:23 pm
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[quote author=kareng57 link=topic=1079.msg29180#msg29180
date=1554915730]
[quote author=LadyRexall link=topic=1079.msg29175#msg29175
date=1554908396]
Even though this is a sad occasion, I view “in lieu of flowers”
much like I would view the wedding registry, baby shower
registry, birthday/Christmas wish list. It’s saying “I would
PREFER a donation to xyz, but of course, you get to decide
ultimately what to give”. My mom was a minister and did
thousands of funerals in her lifetime. Most people that wrote
“in lieu of flowers”, meant “here’s a second option, in case you
want something more long lasting than the flowers that will die
in less than a week”. Of course, if I was very very close to
someone and knew the request actually meant “don’t send flowers.
We don’t want them and have nothing to do with them”, I wouldn’t
give flowers.
[/quote]
But that's just it - if you don't know them well, you don't know
whether the request means "please, no flowers". Around here the
phrase generally does mean that, and I don't understand why
someone wouldn't err on the side of caution. I don't think that
I've ever sent a charitable donation (I don't do flowers)
without reading the obituary first - they're not hard to find
even without a newspaper. I wouldn't want to guess for an
appropriate charity.
I still got a couple of arrangement when my Dh passed away, and
while I didn't consider it to be "rude" it was definitely extra
work for me; the vast majority of people sent the suggested
charitable donation.
[/quote]
I agree with kareng57. Of course anyone can give whatever they
want to give, but if the goal is to please the recipient, the
giver will pay attention to what the recipient has expressed
would be most appreciated. I think some givers are more
concerned with how they think others might view their gift (the
visible display with the name card saying who gave the flowers)
than they are with what the close family members have expressed
would be most helpful to them.
#Post#: 29185--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Hmmm Date: April 10, 2019, 2:58 pm
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[quote author=LadyRexall link=topic=1079.msg29175#msg29175
date=1554908396]
Even though this is a sad occasion, I view “in lieu of flowers”
much like I would view the wedding registry, baby shower
registry, birthday/Christmas wish list. It’s saying “I would
PREFER a donation to xyz, but of course, you get to decide
ultimately what to give”. My mom was a minister and did
thousands of funerals in her lifetime. Most people that wrote
“in lieu of flowers”, meant “here’s a second option, in case you
want something more long lasting than the flowers that will die
in less than a week”. Of course, if I was very very close to
someone and knew the request actually meant “don’t send flowers.
We don’t want them and have nothing to do with them”, I wouldn’t
give flowers.
[/quote]
Maybe that was the norm where your mom was, but I reached out to
a friend who's family ran the local funeral home for a couple of
generations, and they always advised that "in lieu of" meant
that if the giver chose to want to send something else, this was
a suggestion. If the family did not want any flowers, they
advised to state "no flowers".
I would never think of a $50 donation to a charity as a long
lasting tribute, unless it went to the local library when then
you end up with a book with a "in memoriam" sticker on the
inside cover.
#Post#: 29188--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Jem Date: April 10, 2019, 3:55 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1079.msg29185#msg29185
date=1554926317]
I would never think of a $50 donation to a charity as a long
lasting tribute, unless it went to the local library when then
you end up with a book with a "in memoriam" sticker on the
inside cover.
[/quote]
I think it depends on the charity, but to me a donation in my
name to a cause I believe in is a more lasting tribute than
flowers because presumably it will do good for others still
living. I haven't ever thought that the goal of a charitable
donation was to call attention to the person for whom the
donation was given. I always thought the goal was to actually
provide support to an organization the decedent wished to
support. More of a "how can we be helpful" thing than a "look at
how charitable the decedent and his friends and family are"
thing.
I just don't think the goal is to highlight the giver or the
deceased. I think the goal is to do something good generally
(like contribute to cancer research to prevent others from dying
of the disease, or help provide resources to the mentally ill to
prevent suicides, or _______).
#Post#: 29205--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: shadowfox79 Date: April 11, 2019, 1:23 am
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When my mother died last year we requested donations to
Macmillan in lieu of flowers - the only flowers were the wreath
on top of the coffin. However, we had already agreed with the
funeral director that any flowers could be donated to the local
hospice afterwards, so if anyone had sent flowers it wouldn't
have been a problem - someone else could have enjoyed them.
I wouldn't have been annoyed if any other flowers had arrived,
but I did feel better knowing that Macmillan got a decent number
of donations.
#Post#: 29213--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: wolfie Date: April 11, 2019, 11:16 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1079.msg29162#msg29162
date=1554876164]
[quote]I heard from my friend his father died so I looked up
where the funeral was and sent flowers[/quote]
Where were you able look that up? Because over here, anywhere
that listed details of the time and place of the funeral would
also include anything like "No flowers, please." So only people
who had got the news purely by word of mouth wouldn't know.
[/quote]
I googles the name of the person and funeral and got the info.
Then I called the flower shop, who told me I had the wrong place
but they would send it to the right one - joys of living in a
small town.
#Post#: 29233--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: TootsNYC Date: April 11, 2019, 8:07 pm
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[quote] If it's a smallish town, the local florists can also be
alerted that the family is not wanting flowers and they will
inform anyone of the family's desires.[/quote]
Even in NYC, florists often get this message. For one thing,
people often call the funeral home to get the names of the three
or four florists that are easiest to use. For another, the
florist often calls the funeral home before creating the
arrangement.
#Post#: 29306--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Contrarian Date: April 14, 2019, 1:27 pm
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I’ve heard people talk upthread about what a burden it is to
take care of flowers. When my daughter died, I got lots of
flowers. They sat in vases and when they died I threw them out.
I’m not sure how to take care of cut flowers, I thought they
were only meant to last a week.
I sent no thank you notes, but gave verbal thank yous.
Flowers may have been at the service, which was just a
gathering, no speakers or coffin or anything, if so I didn’t pay
attention. I took some roses that were near her urn.
We asked for donations to the wild life thingy. Flowers,
donations, thank you notes, food, water, laundry, showers none
of it matters at the time or later. This is one area where I
have to say, none of it matters. Do what you need to do. If that
means being offended by flowers, have at it.
#Post#: 29307--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Sycorax Date: April 14, 2019, 1:34 pm
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[quote author=Contrarian link=topic=1079.msg29306#msg29306
date=1555266461]
I’ve heard people talk upthread about what a burden it is to
take care of flowers. When my daughter died, I got lots of
flowers. They sat in vases and when they died I threw them out.
I’m not sure how to take care of cut flowers, I thought they
were only meant to last a week.
[/quote]
"Take care of the flowers" meaning - transporting them from the
funeral to someplace else, finding a place in your house for
them, dealing with the 20 empty vases afterwards.
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