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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 28953--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: TootsNYC Date: April 4, 2019, 5:03 pm
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echoing those who say "sometimes people didn't read the obit"
I also believe that the giver of a gift is the one with the
right to decide what the gift will be.
Registries (happy occasions) or "in lieu of flowers" requests
(sad occasions) are requests or suggestions only, not orders.
I also KNOW that many of the people who send flower arrangements
to the funerals in my ILs' family are thinking of a broader
audience than just the next-of-kin. It was a bit performative,
but the goal is for everyone who came in the room to see that
this person was so much beloved, and to comfort cousins,
friends, etc. It is a community-oriented gesture as well.
They might well give to the charity mentioned as well. If
they know about it.
I also think that if the flowers are a burden, you just leave
them for the funeral-home people to take care of, or throw them
out.
#Post#: 28955--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Elisabunny Date: April 4, 2019, 5:26 pm
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[quote author=Jayhawk link=topic=1079.msg28937#msg28937
date=1554399046]
I have two plants in my home that are from family funerals - one
is 7 years old; one is 18 months old. They are surviving on
their own. I occasionally water them and open the curtains. I
don't really have room for them, but I can't bring myself to
throw them out because they're from my FIL's funeral and my
mother's funeral, respectively and because they are living
plants. I would've preferred a donation or flowers. Just my .02.
[/quote]
I had the exact opposite reaction to the plants we were given at
my son's funeral. It was hard throwing away the dead flowers,
but it was nice to have something that stayed alive. I guess
there is no universally good choice.
#Post#: 28976--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Aleko Date: April 5, 2019, 2:08 am
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[quote]I also think that if the flowers are a burden, you just
leave them for the funeral-home people to take care of, or throw
them out.[/quote]
If the flowers are sent to the undertakers, that's fine. Here in
the UK they get to decorate the coffin and hearse, then they're
placed on the grave if it's an interment, or laid out around the
exit to the crematorium chapel. As Toots says, it's
performative; it's intended that everyone can read the labels
and see who sent them - often a flower arrangement is a proxy
for someone who couldn't make the funeral. After that the
bereaved can gather up the flowers to take home if they want, or
ask for them to be taken to a nursing home or some such*, or
just walk away and forget about them with a clear conscience -
they've performed their intended role.
It's another matter if people send flowers or plants directly to
the bereaved. Hardly anyone would feel right about reading the
attached message and tossing them straight into the composting
bin. It might well warm a person's heart to look round their
living room at all these expressions of condolence, but equally
one can see how it might be acutely depressing.
* Here in the UK you can't take flowers to hospitals any more;
they are banned from the wards in case somebody should be
allergic to them. I suppose that may be necessary, what with the
rise of allergies in modern urban society, but it does make me
sad. I didn't know about this rule till a few years ago a
much-loved neighbour of mine went into hospital with what
everybody knew would be his last illness. He loved the
countryside, so I went out and picked a little posy of
everything that was in flower there - just cow parsley, bugloss,
oxeye daisies, vetches, things like that - so he could envisage
how the fields and hedgerows were looking just then. I barely
made it to his bedside before a nurse pounced on me and said
"No, no! Bad! Take them away!"
#Post#: 29028--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: gmatoy Date: April 6, 2019, 8:47 pm
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Well, I'd like to be able to attend at least my own families
services, so I guess we will need to be very heavy handed about
making sure no one sends flowers. How does this sound:
G'matoy, the (insert relationship here) of (insert name of the
deceased here) has terrible allergies, so do NOT send or bring
flowers. We don't want another death, thank you.
Okay, maybe not the second sentence.
#Post#: 29037--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Lilac Date: April 7, 2019, 3:31 pm
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I think sending flowers probably orginated when the corpse was
laid out at home for several days and commercial florists were
not plentiful -- people probably cut and sent flowers from their
own gardens to help cover the smell.
These days we do not have that problem, plus I've noted that
sendoffs are shorter -- most families opting for same-day
visitation and funeral in my circles. What a waste to send
flowers that will only be looked at for a couple of hours. And
if you've ever had to schlep them out of the funeral parlor or
church after a funeral, you'll know it's no fun.
My best friend's husband died in early December -- there were
about 40 arrangements sent even though his visitation period and
funeral were a total of three hours. Afterward my friend and
his adult kids just wanted to get to get home to collapse (he
was only 62 and it was a shock) and instead had to fill three
SUVs with sloshy wet vases and figure out what the heck to do
with them -- at 6:30 pm on a December night. It really was a
chore; I took some arrangements in my car too. Friends helped
her the next day take them to a nearby assisted living center
but they were received less than enthusiastically.
I gave a pine wreath for her door with a cream bow on it and she
said it was useful, as were a couple of pointsettias received,
but she was really pained at the waste of money on most of the
other products.
As to food -- again, a tradition that derives from when stores
and restaurants were not plentiful. Most people I know who are
grieving or caregiving have no problems feeding themselves and
indeed a trip to the drive-through, supermarket or eatery is a
welcome respite. When my parents were dying we tossed so much
food that well-meaning people brought -- but that we were not
about to eat (casseroles, lasagnas with mystery meat, gloppy
pasta/macaroni salads etc. and other perishables.)
he one useful food gift we received when my mom was on hospice
was a prepared deli tray from a reputable supermarket, some
rolls, chips, olives/pickles/carrot sticks and a carton of soft
drinks. Being able to make a quick sandwich of bread, ham,
cheese, turkey, or whatever was very helpful. Things like the
soft drinks, or a carton of beer/bottles of wine, or flavored
waters will come in handy. Baked goods that can be frozen are a
decent gift though many people are cutting down on sugar
nowadays.
I appreciate that people want to help but there are myriad ways
to do it. Come get the person's car, gas it up, vacuum the
interior and run it through a car wash before the funeral. Buy
stamps and thank- you cards and drop them off. Do the yard
work. Take the dog to the groomer or vet or just for a walk.
Buy a big container of cat litter or cat food if they are
running low. Make sure they have plenty of paper goods/toilet
paper if they use them. If you are close enough, clean the
house. Offer to run something to or from the dry cleaner, or to
run out for clothing staples if the bereaved needs something
plain like black pants, black dress pumps, whatever -- you can
always buy a couple of sizes and return what doesn't fit.
Provide or run around and pick up photos of the deceased if a
memory board is being created.
Same for caregivers -- I took a vacation day from work sat with
my friend's husband on one of his final days because she
desperately needed to get to the optical shop for a new Rx
before the end of the health-insurance year; that meant more to
her than all the flowers in the world. Give of your time.
#Post#: 29039--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: TootsNYC Date: April 7, 2019, 3:59 pm
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[quote author=gmatoy link=topic=1079.msg29028#msg29028
date=1554601676]
Well, I'd like to be able to attend at least my own families
services, so I guess we will need to be very heavy handed about
making sure no one sends flowers. How does this sound:
G'matoy, the (insert relationship here) of (insert name of the
deceased here) has terrible allergies, so do NOT send or bring
flowers. We don't want another death, thank you.
Okay, maybe not the second sentence.
[/quote]
I think you just sic the funeral home director on this (and also
the pastor and church secretary, if there's a church involved.
There's a door that flowers would have to come through; someone
controls it. Give them the job. You might have trouble if the
funeral home has multiple chapels, of course. It's something to
discuss with the people who are guiding events on the family's
behalf.
#Post#: 29062--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Hmmm Date: April 8, 2019, 8:59 am
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[quote author=gmatoy link=topic=1079.msg29028#msg29028
date=1554601676]
Well, I'd like to be able to attend at least my own families
services, so I guess we will need to be very heavy handed about
making sure no one sends flowers. How does this sound:
G'matoy, the (insert relationship here) of (insert name of the
deceased here) has terrible allergies, so do NOT send or bring
flowers. We don't want another death, thank you.
Okay, maybe not the second sentence.
[/quote]
The appropriate statement would be "The family is requesting no
flowers or plants. Memorials may be to charity of your choice
or the xxx foundation."
In lieu of just means instead of. And as we have seen here, some
of us read it as a suggestion not a requirement. When no flowers
or plants are wanted, I believe it should be stated much
clearer. And Toots is right, the funeral home and or church can
be very helpful in this area. If it's a smallish town, the local
florists can also be alerted that the family is not wanting
flowers and they will inform anyone of the family's desires.
#Post#: 29066--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: lakey Date: April 8, 2019, 11:40 am
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How about inserting "Due to allergies," at the beginning of the
statement? That way people would know that flowers are a serious
risk.
#Post#: 29128--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: wolfie Date: April 9, 2019, 10:26 am
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[quote author=lakey link=topic=1079.msg29066#msg29066
date=1554741651]
How about inserting "Due to allergies," at the beginning of the
statement? That way people would know that flowers are a serious
risk.
[/quote]
the other problem is that not everyone reads the obituary so
might not see this. Last time I sent flowers I heard from my
friend his father died so I looked up where the funeral was and
sent flowers. I didn't ever see the obituary.
#Post#: 29162--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Aleko Date: April 10, 2019, 1:02 am
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[quote]I heard from my friend his father died so I looked up
where the funeral was and sent flowers[/quote]
Where were you able look that up? Because over here, anywhere
that listed details of the time and place of the funeral would
also include anything like "No flowers, please." So only people
who had got the news purely by word of mouth wouldn't know.
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