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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 28821--------------------------------------------------
Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Bales Date: April 2, 2019, 4:55 pm
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Saw this in today's Dear Abby. A woman is upset that her father
passed and she is receiving flowers/plants even though the
obituary requested charity donations in lieu of flowers. I'm
thinking this must be the grief talking because a request for
donations is nice and informative, but not a directive.
Aren't you still allowed to express your condolences as you wish
- a card, flowers, meals, etc.? Plus for all she knows, they
did donate, too. Not everyone announces it when they do or does
it in memory of the deceased.
Here's the link:
HTML https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2191551
#Post#: 28832--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Luci Date: April 2, 2019, 6:57 pm
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I think the letter should be more forceful. As someone who had
to take care of the things post funeral many times, I was really
saddened by the amount of money spent when it could go to
charity and overworked by the need to take care of the flowers,
unneeded food, and cute little objects that we received. Please
call ahead when bringing food. Not all flowers can go to nursing
homes. I wrote all of the thank you notes, not the ones from
the funeral home, which I didnt really mind because it reminded
me of how much people cared. Of course it is easier to write
thank yous for donations. And then, after throwing out food,
returning dishes (!), we have to sort out the deceased's stuff.
All this while grieving. You can do what you feel the need to,
but please remember that someone has to take of it. We’ll get
enough frowers from really really close friends and family.
We receive cards from the charity with the name of the donor,
sometimes the amount.
Yes, you can do what you want, but sometimes it is a burden to
the family.
Thank you for caring.❤️
#Post#: 28840--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Sycorax Date: April 2, 2019, 9:28 pm
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I remember at one family funeral, there were *so* many flower
arrangements! It was difficult to know what to do with them
afterwards, it's not as though they're easily transported in
large numbers.
You can express your condolences however you want, but it's also
important to take into account the wishes of the bereaved.
#Post#: 28842--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Jem Date: April 2, 2019, 9:56 pm
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As OPs said, a person can give whatever they want to give. But I
do think that if the goal is to help bring peace and healing to
the grieving, following their wishes makes sense. For a lot of
people, myself included, dealing with dying flowers and plants
is the opposite of helpful.
#Post#: 28843--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: lakey Date: April 3, 2019, 12:48 am
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After taking care of funerals for both my parents, I had to deal
with the issue of flowers and planters. The funeral directors
had taken them to the church hall for the lunch after the
funeral. I took the cards off and gave the planters and flower
arrangements to relatives and friends who were at the lunch. I
found that a lot of people still like to have a nice bouquet or
planter in their home. As far as people ignoring stated wishes
for donations instead of flowers, I suspect that this is
probably due to older people who were brought up that you send
flowers for a funeral. Some older people have a hard time
adjusting to change.
#Post#: 28845--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: HenrysMom Date: April 3, 2019, 1:23 am
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As a person who hates cut flowers with a passion, whilst I
wouldn’t appreciate the flowers, I would appreciate the gesture.
I think it’d be rude to turn around and tell the sender “We
said we wanted donations to charity - not flowers.” In my case,
I sent the thank you note and ditched the flowers that came to
my house.
There are many reasons why someone would possibly choose to not
donate to charity - they’re old school, don’t support that
particular charity, etc. etc. Even if one thought it rude to
not follow “directions,” there’s no need for retaliatory
rudeness. Just thank them for the thought and move on.
#Post#: 28852--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Aleko Date: April 3, 2019, 3:51 am
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[quote]I'm thinking this must be the grief talking because a
request for donations is nice and informative, but not a
directive. [/quote]
True. But 'Please do not send flowers' is.
[quote]Aren't you still allowed to express your condolences as
you wish - a card, flowers, meals, etc.? [/quote]
It has never been proper to express condolences in a way that is
likely to be unwelcome to the bereaved! I would say that sending
something they specifically asked people not to send amounts to
saying either 'My need to express my condolences as I wish
trumps your stated wishes' or 'I know better than you do what
will comfort you' or even 'You have asked me not to do what is
Right and Proper, so I'll ignore that and do it anyway'. All
these are not only rude attitudes, they are unkind.
[quote]There are many reasons why someone would possibly choose
to not donate to charity - they’re old school, don’t support
that particular charity, etc. etc. [/quote]
There's nothing stopping them donating in the deceased's name to
another charity that they do support, and sending a note saying
'we have made a donation' without being specific.
#Post#: 28859--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: STiG Date: April 3, 2019, 6:24 am
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In my experience, flowers are sent by close family members and
people unable to attend the services. It is also common for the
employer of the deceased or the immediate family to send
flowers. Many of those also do a donation.
Unless it is an immediate family member, I don't get flowers; I
do a donation, if I wish to do something. Close friends, I'll
also provide food (something the bereaved can offer guests
easily - because there are always people around when these
things happen) but never in a container that I need to get back!
That's just dumb. Let's make things more difficult for the
grieving, shall we? ::)
#Post#: 28861--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: Bales Date: April 3, 2019, 6:48 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1079.msg28852#msg28852
date=1554281502]
[quote]I'm thinking this must be the grief talking because a
request for donations is nice and informative, but not a
directive. [/quote]
True. But 'Please do not send flowers' is.
[/quote]
I think this is the basis for my confusion. I've never read "in
lieu of flowers" to be an adamant statement to not send flowers.
In my experience, it's often something that is put in an
obituary to offer another way to honor the deceased - an
alternate option, if you will. (And this has been my experience
when it was a family member of mine as well.)
I did some additional searching on the internet and it does
appear a great many people do feel it is rude to send flowers,
but there are also a good many who feel as I do. And some
"expert" instructions out there don't help. This link states
that "please omit" would be used if flowers are not requested at
all (but clearly is from a pro-flower association or the like):
HTML http://www.inlieuofflowers.inf
o/index.php?s=8
Emily Post also indicates that you can still send flowers,
though states they should be in addition to a donation.
HTML https://emilypost.com/advice/funeral-etiquette-donations-in-lieu-of-flowers/
I simply was not expecting the anger in the original letter as I
view it similar to other gifts - you may not get what you want,
but it is the thought that counts, essentially. Yes, people
should be considerate and more thoughtful of the impact on the
grieving family, but I personally can't imagine getting so angry
over "wasted money" (as the letter writer called it) in this
situation.
#Post#: 28867--------------------------------------------------
Re: Flowers for the Grieving are Rude?
By: hjaye Date: April 3, 2019, 8:26 am
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it's also important to note that even when it's not explicitly
stated, flowers may not be the appropriate thing to do. For a
Jewish funeral sending flowers is not typically appropriate.
HTML https://www.proflowers.com/blog/are-flowers-appropriate-at-jewish-funeral
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