DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Weddings
*****************************************************
#Post#: 28399--------------------------------------------------
Who can host a wedding shower?
DIR By: iggy257
Date: March 26, 2019, 6:08 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I know that any one can host one, but I thought etiquette
dictated that it not be immediate family members. So is it ok
for an aunt to host if no friends are available? What about the
bride's future SIL if she is also MOH? As I got married while
in college, over the summer, 1200 miles from my college, I had
no friends attend either my shower or wedding, and it was 20
years ago. How rude is it for the mother of the bride to host?
or the mother of the groom? My brother and his wife had a "Jack
and Jill" shower, which they hosted themselves, and oddly after
the wedding. There were fabulous prizes at that one, you won by
buying raffle tickets. I have one coming up and I was wondering
about who actually qualifies as "immediate family" as my
definition of immediate family include the people living in your
house only.
Thanks
Iggy
#Post#: 28427--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who can host a wedding shower?
DIR By: Winterlight
Date: March 26, 2019, 8:44 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Strict etiquette says you aren't supposed to host a shower if
you're immediate family to avoid the appearance of a gift grab.
At this point, though, that seems to have gone by the wayside,
and I think it's fine to let mom or sis host.
#Post#: 28432--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who can host a wedding shower?
DIR By: Rho
Date: March 26, 2019, 10:38 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Where *I* live (Chicago suburbs) approx a dozen women co-host
showers. They range from aunt, cousin, freinds of Brides
parents.
Somehow an Aunt doesn't seem like immediate family.
My sister,on Long Island, opened her house as location for a
shower when her daughters bridesmaids were hostesses. Sis
provided some food, drinks, plates etc.
I just had a thought--if it's O.K. for Bridesmaids to host a
shower; aren't they usually sisters of Bride and Groom?
#Post#: 28437--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who can host a wedding shower?
DIR By: Aleko
Date: March 27, 2019, 3:32 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote ---
> If it's OK for Bridesmaids to host a shower, aren't they
usually sisters of Bride and Groom?
--- End Quote ---
Not traditionally, no: they were the unmarried (that's what the
"maids" part means) friends of the bride. Back when unmarried
girls were a specific social group, more restricted in their
activities and behaviour than married women, and when a bride
left her parents' home and went to live with her new husband and
his family, a girl who got married was genuinely leaving the
company of her girlhood friends, and escorting her at her
wedding was their way of saying goodbye to her. If she had
unmarried sisters, who were part of that group, of course they
might be bridesmaids, but it's really quite a new thing to
assume that sisters should necessarily be bridesmaids; so is
allowing married women to be bridesmaids.
#Post#: 28439--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who can host a wedding shower?
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: March 27, 2019, 5:47 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> [quote]If it's OK for Bridesmaids to host a shower, aren't
they usually sisters of Bride and Groom?
--- End Quote ---
Not traditionally, no: they were the unmarried (that's what the
"maids" part means) friends of the bride. Back when unmarried
girls were a specific social group, more restricted in their
activities and behaviour than married women, and when a bride
left her parents' home and went to live with her new husband and
his family, a girl who got married was genuinely leaving the
company of her girlhood friends, and escorting her at her
wedding was their way of saying goodbye to her. If she had
unmarried sisters, who were part of that group, of course they
might be bridesmaids, but it's really quite a new thing to
assume that sisters should necessarily be bridesmaids; so is
allowing married women to be bridesmaids.
[/quote]
For some reason, the bolded makes me really sad. :(
On topic, the idea of a Bride, or her mother, hosting the shower
doesn't sit right with me. Obviously I'd never say anything, and
if it were a close friend or relative, I'd attend happily. One
of my close friends had her mother "host" her shower, but my
friend was the driving force behind it, and on top of that, the
shower was held at my friend's apartment! I think it's because a
shower is a gift-giving occasion, and it looks a bit grabby?
And I certainly have never heard of raffles at a bridal shower!
Again, this rubs me up the wrong way a bit. Notwithstanding the
great prizes, it just feels weird to me to be essentially giving
money at a shower (noting that in my Anglo-Aussie culture, this
is not the done thing).
#Post#: 28441--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who can host a wedding shower?
DIR By: STiG
Date: March 27, 2019, 7:03 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I would find it a bit strange if the mother of the bride was
hosting the shower. Offering her home for the party, but with
the bridesmaids doing the actual hosting, fine. I wouldn't say
anything, though. I do think it is fine for the mother of the
groom to host a bridal shower for the groom's side of the
family. Yes, it is meant to be a gift giving occasion but it is
also a chance for the groom's family to meet the bride or get to
know her a little better.
What is more common in my area is the 'Jack and Jill' or 'Stag
and Doe' or 'Buck and Doe', normally held before the wedding.
It's a fundraiser, really. You buy tickets for entry; there is
usually a live band or a DJ for a dance. Then you buy tickets
to play various games or to participate in raffles. A lot of
the prizes are donated by friends and family of the couple.
Some of the things are purchased, in hopes of getting a good
return on the cost. It isn't uncommon to buy a ticket to the
event and not go - you want to support the happy couple but
don't want to be involved with all the hoopla. Or the loud
music. There is one DJ on the circuit in my area who thinks
that if the music isn't blowing the roof off the building, it
isn't loud enough!
(When we got married, we told our DJ - music loud enough to be
heard on the dance floor, quiet enough that folks can talk at
the back tables without shouting. We had people not fond of
loud music who stayed well after 10:00 and the music started at
8:00. The only complaint we had was that it wasn't loud enough!
LOL.)
#Post#: 28447--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who can host a wedding shower?
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: March 27, 2019, 8:58 am
---------------------------------------------------------
In my experience, having multiple showers with different guest
lists (other than moms and bridesmaids) is acceptable and even
preferred.
Traditional hosts for a shower would be:
Bridesmaids or friends of the bride (and when the bride and her
friends are young and not independent, often the mother/s of the
bridesmaids would be co-hostesses)
Aunts, cousins of the bride or groom
Friends of the bride's or groom's parents
If a sister or mother of the groom were to host a shower for the
bride, I would think it is fine.
For a couple's shower, I think it best though if a friend or
aunt/cousin or group of them host the shower.
Though you may no longer live with your parent's or siblings,
they are still considered your immediate family. Grandparents
are also part of your immediate family. Once married, your
spouse and your in-laws become part of that circle as does any
future children.
The self-hosted, post wedding shower your brother had with
raffle and all is just odd. Sounds more like they were doing a
fund raiser to pay off wedding debt.
#Post#: 28451--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who can host a wedding shower?
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: March 27, 2019, 10:18 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree that close family is not supposed to host a shower. I
think the definition of "close" is a bit of a grey area and the
rules have certainly been bent in recent years. Personally, I
sometimes know that the host may be a tacky choice (etiquette
speaking), but I have stopped giving it a second thought. The
more important thing to me is the nature of the party. I do not
want to be invited to multiple parties or be expected to bring a
gift... and money for the honeymoon... and something for the
pantry... and and and... That's when it feels like a gift grab.
I believe that the rules are similar for baby showers. My nephew
recently had a surprise pregnancy, with the timing not being
ideal. (He is young, unmarried, and just finishing school.) My
sister (the grandmother) was a bit disappointed by the news.
However, sis loves to plan parties and when she announced that
SHE would host the shower, I knew it was not appropriate.
However, I also knew that this would help her get excited about
the baby, which was needed. Also, the party was really only
immediate family and I do not even think that we broke twenty
people, so I decided to just go with the flow on this one! ;)
On a happy note, all of those disappointed feelings have
dissolved and my sister loves being a grandmother!!!
#Post#: 28455--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who can host a wedding shower?
DIR By: Twik
Date: March 27, 2019, 10:40 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I believe it's acceptable for family to host a shower if the
guests will also be family, so there's no sense of trying to
enrich the family at other people's expense. If there are no
friends available to host a shower (or willing), I think the
aunt can go ahead if she only invites other relatives. If they
want to have a lot of non-relatives in attendance, the aunt
could perhaps provide the venue if a friend steps up to be the
"official" host (but can't provide space and/or has time
constraints on organizing).
#Post#: 28467--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who can host a wedding shower?
DIR By: Lilac
Date: March 27, 2019, 1:39 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I admit to feeling exasperated when mothers, sisters, aunts,
cousins etc. host showers to which non-family members are
invited.
The impending marriage already is a gift-giving occasion in
itself. For the family to drum up a second event at which gifts
are near-obligatory is unseemly. No one is enttiled to a
shower. If intimate friends want to do a little something,
that's fine, but the notion that a bride gets to hunt around for
a likely host and appoint him/her so that she can "have her
shower" is pretty crass. As is, to me, the ones where there is
a polite fiction that a friend is hosting but it's really the
MOB and other family members supplying the venue, funds for
hospitality, etc. because they believe their relative "deserves"
a shower.
The reason it's considered (traditionally) tacky is that if the
family is moved to outfit the prospective couple with household
goods, they should just go ahead and do so rather than shaking
down the larger social circle. A little spontaneous celebration
by close friends, with nominal gifts like tea towels etc., is
how showers originated.
Not a fan of the fundraising raffle/parties either. I guess
some of these traditions originated when people were married
young and directly from their household of origin, and were
starting from scratch. That people who are more mature and
already established with household goods (and perhaps even
living with their betrothed) still expect multiple gifts and/or
financial support simply for partnering up is increasingly
off-putting.
*****************************************************
Page 1 of 2
DIR Next Page