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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 28003--------------------------------------------------
This doesn’t have to be a big deal, right?
By: NyaChan Date: March 21, 2019, 2:15 pm
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A couple of friendly acquaintances, Tom & Hannah, asked me to
chair an event for their animal welfare organization and I was
happy to say yes. However, a mutual friend, Jenny – someone I
am very close to and that they have known for years – is a more
experienced events planner and occupied the leadership role for
event planning for a large nonprofit up until last year when she
resigned due to personality conflicts with leadership and
dislike of the direction the nonprofit was taking. She had
asked multiple times about helping Tom & Hannah with their
events and is now very upset and hurt that she was not asked to
help
I was asked to be the chair in a private message from Tom &
Hannah (we also have a group chat with the four of us), so Jenny
did not know until I brought it up to her. As we speak daily,
it would have been odd if I didn’t share this with her and she
were to find out later. She has since been texting me each day
asking for more details. Things like “Where is the meeting for
the event going to be? I’m still feeling so hurt” or “Did they
say who else is going to be there – I bet they asked so-and-so;
she doesn’t like working with me” and I’m getting a little
frustrated. It feels like she is making this all about her and
I just want to have fun volunteering. I’m also noting (in my
mind) that this reaction kind of lends support to why I had been
thinking they didn’t ask her to participate.
I want to be kind because I know it isn’t easy when you have a
concrete brush off from people you are friends with, but at the
same time, I don’t want to spend the next two months having to
console her and answering her questions. Any ideas of how I can
change the narrative from her feeling left out to this just
being part of my recap of things in my life when we talk?
#Post#: 28006--------------------------------------------------
Re: This doesn’t have to be a big deal, right?
By: camlan Date: March 21, 2019, 2:26 pm
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"Jenny, I am not going to get involved in this issue between you
and Tom & Hannah. If you are upset by their choice, please talk
to them. I will not be giving you information to meetings you
are not invited to--again, if you want to be invited, you will
need to talk to Tom & Hannah."
"If you want more information, you will need to speak to Tom &
Hannah."
"As I've said, you will need to talk to Tom & Hannah about
that."
"As I've told you several times, you will need to address those
questions to Tom & Hannah. Is there some reason you are still
asking me about this? I thought I had made it clear that I will
not get involved in this issue."
If Jenny gets upset, that is on her. You have done nothing,
repeat, nothing wrong. Jenny needs to own her own feelings.
And if Jenny does get upset enough to break the friendship and
move on, it doesn't sound as if you will be losing much.
I would also not bring up the subject at all--let her introduce
it, and then you tell her to talk to Tom & Hannah. Don't add
fuel to the fire.
#Post#: 28007--------------------------------------------------
Re: This doesn’t have to be a big deal, right?
By: Contrarian Date: March 21, 2019, 2:46 pm
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What Camlan said, and you probably shouldn’t speak about these
meetings or this event, at all.
I understand her being hurt, because she offered, and she was
rejected. Did they even tell her they were going with someone
else?
They should have at least said no to her offer right away, it
sounds like they left her hanging.
Anyway, a supportive friend, would keep her continued irritation
to herself (I think we can allow her her intial surprised and
hurt reaction) and be there if you need any advice or tips from
her which would be so useful.
But, I think all of us let something get to us a little too much
sometimes, and this seems to be the case. For that reason I
suggest not talking about this at all with her.
#Post#: 28013--------------------------------------------------
Re: This doesn’t have to be a big deal, right?
By: Hmmm Date: March 21, 2019, 3:49 pm
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I agree that I would address her comments one more time. I like
the "I'm sorry you feel hurt by their choice, but I think it
best you discuss with them and not me. I'm excited about this
new opportunity and I had hoped you'd be a little excited for
me."
Then just become very slow in responding to any more requests
for information and very evasive with details.
#Post#: 28017--------------------------------------------------
Re: This doesn’t have to be a big deal, right?
By: jpcher Date: March 21, 2019, 4:27 pm
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Is it possible that Jenny can be a part of the planning
committee? Or is she the type that would step in and take over?
#Post#: 28019--------------------------------------------------
Re: This doesn’t have to be a big deal, right?
By: LadyRexall Date: March 21, 2019, 4:31 pm
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Did you know that Jenny was wanting this position before you
accepted? I can see why you mentioned it if you text about all
things everyday. This was just part of your day, so it would
have been weird to not mention such a big thing to her. Is there
any specific reason t and h dont want Jenny to be a part of
this?
This may well strain your relationship with Jenny. Would YOU
want to work with her on this project. If you do, ask t and h.
If you don’t, leave it to Jenny to make this request.
#Post#: 28033--------------------------------------------------
Re: This doesn’t have to be a big deal, right?
By: Hmmm Date: March 21, 2019, 7:32 pm
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[quote author=jpcher link=topic=1051.msg28017#msg28017
date=1553203652]
Is it possible that Jenny can be a part of the planning
committee? Or is she the type that would step in and take over?
[/quote]
I don't think it is appropriate for the OP to suggest that.
Jenny offered to assist. We have no information to lead anyone
to believe the leaders of the organization strong her own to
make her to believe they would be accepting her offer. If they
had wanted her as part of the organizing committee, they would
have invited her.
#Post#: 28036--------------------------------------------------
Re: This doesn’t have to be a big deal, right?
By: gramma dishes Date: March 21, 2019, 8:40 pm
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[quote author=jpcher link=topic=1051.msg28017#msg28017
date=1553203652]
Is it possible that Jenny can be a part of the planning
committee? Or is she the type that would step in and take over?
[/quote]
I suspect the organization specifically did NOT want Jenny to do
it or they would have asked her, especially since they knew she
was interested in the position. At this point I think even
mentioning her name to Tom and Hannah would be serious
overstepping.
#Post#: 28043--------------------------------------------------
Re: This doesn’t have to be a big deal, right?
By: NyaChan Date: March 22, 2019, 12:48 am
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Jenny had mentioned to me that she had asked T&H to plan events
for them, but they hadn’t taken her up on it. Turns out Jenny
had asked more than once and even offered venues that she could
connect them to. Someone asked why they didn’t ask her - well,
I can’t know for sure, but I think their choice has to do with
her behavior in prior planning and work with nonprofits. Jenny
can be a lot of fun for non-volunteer things like work and
games, but she also relishes drama and gossip whether it
involves her or not. She also has a tendency to fly off the
handle and write long, ill-advised emails when she disagrees
with someone during planning.
I actually met her for dinner tonight and It did unfortunately
come up. At first I thought she’d dropped the subject and was
relieved but right after we paid our bills, she suddenly burst
out with “You know, I’m still so upset!” I tried acknowledging
her feelings and then redirecting her to talking to T&H as was
suggested, but it ended up upsetting her more because she was
then reminded that T&H hadn’t bothered to come her to say that
they didn’t want her involved. She later texted me saying that
she was planning on leaving our group chat and emailing them to
say she is hurt about this, but if they don’t think highly
enough of her to include her in their special group then so be
it. There were a lot of long texts like that. I wasn’t
responding and thought she was tapering off when I received
this:
“I just can’t help but wonder. What if X and Y and lots of
people are at that meeting and they ask where I am? What then?
What if someone says, doesn’t Jenny want to help? What will T&H
say? Because people might assume that I’d want to help out.”
I had to bite my tongue (texting finger?) then because as much
as I don’t want to be dismissive, I sincerely doubt anyone is
going to be focused on her rather than planning the event at
this meeting. I ended up reminding her that she had already had
a few drinks and a stressful day and may not want to make long
term decisions right now, though of course she should do what
she thinks is best. That actually neutralized the situation!
She admitted she was tired and would sleep on it.
Moving forward, I’m not going to say anything to T&H about Jenny
wanting to help. They already know anyways and I don’t think
it’s my business. After reading her texts, I’m firmly resolved
to be firm as posters suggested about not discussing it with
Jenny. It’s unneccesary and quite frankly exhausting. I know
she’ll ask me about the meeting tomorrow, but I’ll see if
camlan’s language works and if not, discover something urgent to
attend to if she won’t drop it.
#Post#: 28045--------------------------------------------------
Re: This doesn’t have to be a big deal, right?
By: Aleko Date: March 22, 2019, 3:13 am
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[quote]They should at least have said no to her offer right
away, it sounds as though they left her hanging.[/quote]
I disagree - judging by her behaviour, they may very well have
been saying no to her right from the beginning, but she has
simply been refusing to hear them. Because SHE IS AN EVENTS
ORGANISER! How dare anyone not ask her to organise their event?
How could they be so foolish and ill-judging as to reject her
wealth of experience? Don't they realise how insulting that is,
and how humiliating for her to have an event organised in her
social circle without her at the helm?
If ever there were a time for completely closing down a subject,
this is it: 'No, Hannah, I won't hear this, or discuss anything
about it with you. Please just stop.' Rinse and repeat. As for
threats to email the group saying she feels so hurt and
disrespected by them all that she's leaving, only OP can judge
whether any good would be done by saying 'You know, Hannah, it
would be more dignified to drop the whole subject. Take care you
don't make a spectacle of yourself.'
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