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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 28298--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: lisastitch
Date: March 25, 2019, 2:09 pm
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--- Quote from: Lilac link ---
>
> I don't thing the "FIL's first birthday since he passed" thing
should be a dealbreaker. FIL is no longer alive. Life is for
the living. Putting plans on hold or arranging them around a
dead person's birthday would be a stretch. I've lost a lot of
family members and while there is a silent pang on what would've
been their birthday, it's not something to be planned around or
given deference.
>
--- End Quote ---
Except that . . . this is the first birthday since FIL's death.
It's been a year of the first
Thanksgiving/Christmas/Hanukkah/New Year's/Valentine's
Day/family vacation/Fourth of July/(insert your special family
days ) without him. That first year, there's a lot of doing
this the first time without him, and possibly changing
traditions because the old ones are just too painful.
After the first year, I agree with you that life is for the
living and we can't plan around birthdays/days of death for
everyone who has ever been in our lives.
#Post#: 28305--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: March 25, 2019, 3:09 pm
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OP, I'm getting the impression that you are not planning to
intervene or provide any guidance on the arrangements for the
party. As a stepmom, I can understand you not wanting to get
involved. You've said your husband does not see a problem in
asking his mother to host. You've not said that you plan to
discuss with your concerns with your stepson, as so many have
suggested.
So is this more of a "how do you feel about this" versus a "what
would you do" discussion?
#Post#: 28318--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: LadyRexall
Date: March 25, 2019, 6:16 pm
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--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> OP, I'm getting the impression that you are not planning to
intervene or provide any guidance on the arrangements for the
party. As a stepmom, I can understand you not wanting to get
involved. You've said your husband does not see a problem in
asking his mother to host. You've not said that you plan to
discuss with your concerns with your stepson, as so many have
suggested.
>
> So is this more of a "how do you feel about this" versus a
"what would you do" discussion?
>
--- End Quote ---
You’re absolutely right It’s more of a how would you feel kind
of post.
#Post#: 28378--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: March 26, 2019, 2:00 pm
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I think I'm incredibly unsentimental, because I can't imagine my
deceased mother's or father's birthday having any effect on my
plans for the day.
My husband...I don't know.
#Post#: 29086--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: LadyRexall
Date: April 8, 2019, 5:46 pm
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Update::::
Every intuition, feeling and body language read was exactly spot
on. I talked to mil and she thought it was silly of him to ask.
Her actual words “doesn’t everyone understand if want to be at
the graveside that day?” I said that I figured that from moment
one. So he’s not having a Friday bday party on grandpas birthday
(the first one since departing). Other factors in her decision
include: that Friday happens to be a p a day so her other 2
sons/wives asked her to babysit. (Again she mentioned people not
understanding she’d have other things to do that day), there is
a mass at her church that night that she’s going too (plus
rosary and station of the cross since it’s almost Easter), and
uncle would never take the night off work for this, so it
wouldn’t be the whole family anyhow. So her day is jam packed.
She also questioned why we’d do it on a Friday when it’s ALWAYS
on Sunday. Step son hasn’t actually even talked to grandma so
upon hearing moms wishes, husband said he’d talk to son. I’m
really proud that grandma isn’t going to try and fit it in
anyhow. Husband thought all her points made complete sense (when
I made those points husband thought it was ludicrous lol).
So now I don’t have to fear that I was just projecting (as
someone had said) and that I was just being my intuitive self.
The plan: we’ll have bday cake as dessert on Easter.
#Post#: 29087--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: April 8, 2019, 6:07 pm
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My opinion is this wasn't about changing traditions, but about
communication. A simple conversation could have cleared it up:
"Grandma, can we do my birthday on Friday?"
" Sorry, no because......... "
Anyway, I'm glad plans are settled eventually.
#Post#: 29122--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Bada
Date: April 9, 2019, 9:17 am
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"Other factors in her decision include: that Friday happens to
be a p a day so her other 2 sons/wives asked her to babysit."
What is a p a day?
#Post#: 29126--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: lowspark
Date: April 9, 2019, 10:05 am
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I'm late to this thread and I'm glad it seems to have been
resolved but I thought I'd chime in anyway as I didn't see this
question asked before.
What if the natural Sunday celebration day had been FIL's
birthday, rather than the Friday? Would you have felt yucky
about having the party then?
And, by the same token, what if stepson's birthday did not
coincide with FIL's birthday? How would you feel about him
wanting to switch to Friday in that scenario?
Just food for thought. Maybe if you could separate all those
feelings, it would help clarify your thoughts.
In any case, it sounds like you were right about MIL's feelings
and it also seems best that SHE spoke up for herself.
#Post#: 29129--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Jem
Date: April 9, 2019, 10:29 am
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--- Quote from: LadyRexall link ---
>
> Update::::
> Every intuition, feeling and body language read was exactly
spot on. I talked to mil and [color=blue]she thought it was
silly of him to ask. Her actual words “doesn’t everyone
understand if want to be at the graveside that day?” [/color]Not
unless you tell them! Not all people handle grief the same way,
and unless MIL tells people how SHE is feeling, I think it is
inappropriate to call people silly for not assuming. Also, she
intends to be at the gravesite all day long? Does she frequently
go to the gravesite? I think about various people who have
passed every day, but I rarely go to gravesites so this is
certainly not universal. I said that I figured that from moment
one. So he’s not having a Friday bday party on grandpas birthday
(the first one since departing). Other factors in her decision
include: that Friday happens to be a p a day so her other 2
sons/wives asked her to babysit. (Again she mentioned people not
understanding she’d have other things to do that day), there is
a mass at her church that night that she’s going too (plus
rosary and station of the cross since it’s almost Easter), and
uncle would never take the night off work for this, so it
wouldn’t be the whole family anyhow. So her day is jam packed.
Again, I am glad MIL spoke up. How would anyone else be expected
to know what MIL's plans were if she did not tell them? Also, I
know quite a few grandparents who do not consider spending time
with their grandchildren "babysitting." It appears your MIL
does, but again, not universal. For a lot of people, spending
time with young people on an otherwise emotional day would be a
blessing.She also questioned why we’d do it on a Friday when
it’s ALWAYS on Sunday. Step son hasn’t actually even talked to
grandma so upon hearing moms wishes, husband said he’d talk to
son. I’m really proud that grandma isn’t going to try and fit it
in anyhow. Husband thought all her points made complete sense
(when I made those points husband thought it was ludicrous lol).
> So now I don’t have to fear that I was just projecting (as
someone had said) and that I was just being my intuitive self.
> The plan: we’ll have bday cake as dessert on Easter.
>
--- End Quote ---
I am glad your MIL spoke up and the situation has resolved! As
PPs also said, I think this is an issue of communication, not
some people being selfish.
Edited to add: my comments in red above.
#Post#: 29140--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: oogyda
Date: April 9, 2019, 3:11 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> [quote author=LadyRexall link=topic=1048.msg29086#msg29086
date=1554763610]
> Update::::
> Every intuition, feeling and body language read was exactly
spot on. I talked to mil and [color=blue]she thought it was
silly of him to ask. Her actual words “doesn’t everyone
understand if want to be at the graveside that day?” [/color]Not
unless you tell them! Not all people handle grief the same way,
and unless MIL tells people how SHE is feeling, I think it is
inappropriate to call people silly for not assuming. Also, she
intends to be at the gravesite all day long? Does she frequently
go to the gravesite? I think about various people who have
passed every day, but I rarely go to gravesites so this is
certainly not universal. I said that I figured that from moment
one. So he’s not having a Friday bday party on grandpas birthday
(the first one since departing). Other factors in her decision
include: that Friday happens to be a p a day so her other 2
sons/wives asked her to babysit. (Again she mentioned people not
understanding she’d have other things to do that day), there is
a mass at her church that night that she’s going too (plus
rosary and station of the cross since it’s almost Easter), and
uncle would never take the night off work for this, so it
wouldn’t be the whole family anyhow. So her day is jam packed.
Again, I am glad MIL spoke up. How would anyone else be expected
to know what MIL's plans were if she did not tell them? Also, I
know quite a few grandparents who do not consider spending time
with their grandchildren "babysitting." It appears your MIL
does, but again, not universal. For a lot of people, spending
time with young people on an otherwise emotional day would be a
blessing.She also questioned why we’d do it on a Friday when
it’s ALWAYS on Sunday. Step son hasn’t actually even talked to
grandma so upon hearing moms wishes, husband said he’d talk to
son. I’m really proud that grandma isn’t going to try and fit it
in anyhow. Husband thought all her points made complete sense
(when I made those points husband thought it was ludicrous lol).
> So now I don’t have to fear that I was just projecting (as
someone had said) and that I was just being my intuitive self.
> The plan: we’ll have bday cake as dessert on Easter.
>
--- End Quote ---
I am glad your MIL spoke up and the situation has resolved! As
PPs also said, I think this is an issue of communication, not
some people being selfish.
Edited to add: my comments in red above.
[/quote]
Hmmmm. I'm a Grandma who enjoys spending time with my
grandchildren. Always. Even when I'm babysitting them. And,
believe me. Babysitting is babysitting no matter what kind of
package you wrap it up in.
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