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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 28102--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: STiG
Date: March 22, 2019, 5:44 pm
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--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> I agree that stepson has done the same thing every year...why
is he stuck with the old routine that doesn't necessarily work
for him?
>
--- End Quote ---
He's not stuck. But if he wants family involved, he has to work
with their availability. And if Friday doesn't work for many
logistical reasons that have nothing to do with the fact that it
is FIL's birthday, then it doesn't work.
I am getting the sense, though, that MIL is one of those types
of people who insist on doing everything and then complain that
no one helps and/or it is too much work. This is definitely the
year to change things up, though.
How about going out to a restaurant on the Friday? Easier for
people to make it after work because there is no prep, easier on
MIL, at least physically, stepson gets to celebrate on the day
he wants. Or MIL needs to speak up and tell people that she
would prefer not to celebrate on FIL's birthday.
--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> My mother died about ten years ago, and after the funeral my
father said to me and my brothers, 'I think we maybe should have
an annual get-together on the anniversary of her death, just the
four of us' (which obviously doesn't happen that often - usually
when we get together it's with everyone's spouses and children
and dogs), and I had to say, 'Dad, not wishing to be egotistical
or anything, but you understandably didn't notice that the day
Mum died was actually my birthday. Could we possibly get
together on some other significant date? Her birthday, for
example?' And we agreed to do that.
>
--- End Quote ---
This is a perfect example. The person most affected spoke up
and everyone agreed on a compromise.
#Post#: 28116--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: March 22, 2019, 11:20 pm
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There's nothing inherently wrong with Step-son wanting to have
his party on the Friday. So long as he's prepared for the fact
that:
1. many of his relatives may not be able to attend, due to their
other commitments; and
2. MIL may not be up to hosting - which means Step-son needs to
make some contingency plans, such as organising dinner at a
restaurant, or hosting something himself. If however, he expects
MIL to host his party, he needs to allow her to have some input
into the day and time. She certainly shouldn't have to do it on
a day where she'd be dealing with her grief.
#Post#: 28137--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: oogyda
Date: March 23, 2019, 11:44 am
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I'm lost.
I thought Friday would be FIL's birthday.
I'm reading that Friday would be the 1 year anniversary of FIL's
death.
Did I miss another post? Did he die on his birthday?
#Post#: 28138--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Sycorax
Date: March 23, 2019, 11:50 am
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The OP says FIL died 8 months ago.
#Post#: 28206--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: LadyRexall
Date: March 24, 2019, 2:21 pm
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--- Quote from: oogyda link ---
>
> I'm lost.
>
> I thought Friday would be FIL's birthday.
>
> I'm reading that Friday would be the 1 year anniversary of
FIL's death.
>
> Did I miss another post? Did he die on his birthday?
>
--- End Quote ---
.
Fil died this past June. Two months after his birthday. This
will be his first birthday not with us. It’s been tricky to
word. I think I added to the confusion by calling it his first
birthday in heaven.
I’ve been trying to add info as I’m asked. With my original post
I was wearing VERY NEW glasses and I’ve been having a heck of a
time trying to get used to them, so I made the beginning post as
short as I could.
#Post#: 28218--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Lilac
Date: March 24, 2019, 5:42 pm
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I don't thing the "FIL's first birthday since he passed" thing
should be a dealbreaker. FIL is no longer alive. Life is for
the living. Putting plans on hold or arranging them around a
dead person's birthday would be a stretch. I've lost a lot of
family members and while there is a silent pang on what would've
been their birthday, it's not something to be planned around or
given deference.
It's a red herring. The real problem is that the birthday boy
wants a full-scale traditional celebration on a day of the week
that is not convenient for everyone else. Even if FIL's
birthday were six months away, switching from Sunday to Friday
would present logistical problems.
I would tell sonny that he has two options: The usual Sunday
large family celebration, or dinner out with his parents,
grandma and one or two others on Friday night. Or the pizza
option. (I don't have much sympathy for grandma's "oh but I
must cook" stance against pizzas either -- it's 2018 and no
matter how old-world she is, she probably came of age in the
1950s60s since the dawn of mass communication, and knows that
people do things differently. She's not a failure if she doesn't
cook one birthday dnner.)
What is his reason for wanting to switch days?
#Post#: 28219--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: March 24, 2019, 5:56 pm
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It's not the OP's place to dictate options. She can talk about
her concerns with her stepson and/or her MIL but the decision to
host and cook is MIL's. If it happens on Friday, everyone can
accept or decline the invitation depending on their convenience.
#Post#: 28222--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: March 24, 2019, 6:26 pm
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I wonder if a 22yo man would benefit from someone saying to him:
"Do you realize exactly what it is you're asking? Do you know
how much work this is for your Grandma? Do you realize that
Grandma has been in mourning, which
I still remember having to instruct my BIL in the "it's not only
about you" idea by pointing out that his brother (my husband)
needed to be HOME by the time the nor'easter hit at about
9pm--not just arriving to drop BIL off at college at 9--that his
drive didn't end when my BIL got out of the car at college 2
hours away. That BIL's brother still existed, was still in the
car, and would be in danger--life isn't a movie where things not
on screen are ignored.
And maybe his dad could use a reminder of that point of view as
well. They're not thinking about Grandma.
#Post#: 28231--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Sycorax
Date: March 24, 2019, 7:30 pm
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--- Quote from: Rose Red link ---
>
> It's not the OP's place to dictate options. She can talk about
her concerns with her stepson and/or her MIL but the decision to
host and cook is MIL's. If it happens on Friday, everyone can
accept or decline the invitation depending on their convenience.
>
--- End Quote ---
No, nobody should dictate his options. I just think it might be
helpful to point out the logistical problems with Friday vs.
Sunday. If he's ok with it, so be it.
#Post#: 28236--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: March 24, 2019, 8:47 pm
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--- Quote from: Pandorica link ---
>
> [quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1048.msg28219#msg28219
date=1553468211]
> It's not the OP's place to dictate options. She can talk about
her concerns with her stepson and/or her MIL but the decision to
host and cook is MIL's. If it happens on Friday, everyone can
accept or decline the invitation depending on their convenience.
>
--- End Quote ---
No, nobody should dictate his options. I just think it might be
helpful to point out the logistical problems with Friday vs.
Sunday. If he's ok with it, so be it.
[/quote]
My response was to the poster who said to "give Sonny two
options. Party on Sunday or dinner/pizza on Friday." That's
dictating when we don't even know how the rest of the family,
especially MIL, feel about the change to Friday. We just know
how the OP feels. And dictating is only ok if you're the host
which the OP is not.
I'm not sure why the OP doesn't just ask the parties involved
what they are thinking and feeling if she is that concerned. Or
if she's uncomfortable, have her husband talk to his son and
mother.
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