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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 28047--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: March 22, 2019, 5:56 am
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Have you asked MIL how she feels? You said she was surprised but
that could just mean it's because it's not the usual way of
celebrating on a Sunday.
Have you and your husband (and stepson's mother) talked to
stepson about your concerns?
There's a lot of assumptions and games of "telephone" here
without a lot of direct communication. If you don't feel it's
your place to speak up, then let whatever happens happen.
#Post#: 28048--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Aleko
Date: March 22, 2019, 6:02 am
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--- Quote ---
> It's not his fault he happened to be born close to his
grandfather's birthday.
--- End Quote ---
No: but that is what did happen, and he's not a little child (in
which case I'm sure all the family would rally round to give him
a nice birthday and shelve their grief as best they could) but
an adult who is obligated to deal with this delicate emotional
situation as gracefully and kindly as possible.
These things happen. My mother died about ten years ago, and
after the funeral my father said to me and my brothers, 'I think
we maybe should have an annual get-together on the anniversary
of her death, just the four of us' (which obviously doesn't
happen that often - usually when we get together it's with
everyone's spouses and children and dogs), and I had to say,
'Dad, not wishing to be egotistical or anything, but you
understandably didn't notice that the day Mum died was actually
my birthday. Could we possibly get together on some other
significant date? Her birthday, for example?' And we agreed to
do that.
#Post#: 28050--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: SioCat
Date: March 22, 2019, 7:44 am
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Yeah, I still don’t think he’s wrong. It’s his birthday and if
the same thing has been done for the last 22 years, he likely
didn’t realize it would change.
I’m my family it’s normal for the birthday person to pick what
dinner/restaurant they want. I don’t think it says anything
about their maturity.
#Post#: 28063--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Aleko
Date: March 22, 2019, 9:09 am
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--- Quote ---
> Yeah, I still don’t think he’s wrong. It’s his birthday and if
the same thing has been done for the last 22 years, he likely
didn’t realize it would change.
--- End Quote ---
But that's not what is happening here: just the opposite.
OP says that deceased FIL's birthday is Friday: stepson's
birthday is Saturday: the traditional family practice was to
celebrate everyone's birthdays on the next Sunday following,
this being the convenient day as everyone can help MIL with
preparations. So, if he just did "the same thing as has been
done for the last 22 years", he would have his birthday party on
Sunday, which would leave everyone free on Friday to observe
FIL's birthday, together or independently, as feels appropriate
to them.
Instead, he is saying he wants his celebration on Friday. There
is no clear reason for him to do this, as it isn't his actual
birthday. And two reasons why he should not: (1) the incongruity
(to put it mildly) of trying to celebrate a birthday and
commemorate a death in a single event, and (2) the fact that
holding a party on a Friday is inconvenient for many people.
#Post#: 28069--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: oogyda
Date: March 22, 2019, 9:45 am
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--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> [quote]Yeah, I still don’t think he’s wrong. It’s his birthday
and if the same thing has been done for the last 22 years, he
likely didn’t realize it would change.
--- End Quote ---
But that's not what is happening here: just the opposite.
OP says that deceased FIL's birthday is Friday: stepson's
birthday is Saturday: the traditional family practice was to
celebrate everyone's birthdays on the next Sunday following,
this being the convenient day as everyone can help MIL with
preparations. So, if he just did "the same thing as has been
done for the last 22 years", he would have his birthday party on
Sunday, which would leave everyone free on Friday to observe
FIL's birthday, together or independently, as feels appropriate
to them.
Instead, he is saying he wants his celebration on Friday. There
is no clear reason for him to do this, as it isn't his actual
birthday. And two reasons why he should not: (1) the incongruity
(to put it mildly) of trying to celebrate a birthday and
commemorate a death in a single event, and (2) the fact that
holding a party on a Friday is inconvenient for many people.
[/quote]
I think it's more than just inconvenient. I think it's selfish
and inconsiderate to the one person who ends up with the
majority of the workload...Grandma. Furthermore, it sounds like
Grandma is hinting that she would like to cut back on things a
bit. Frequently, a "big" event (FIL's death) is enough of a
disturbance to do exactly that.
Although Grandma could/should be the one to make her needs
known, the OP might be able to assist in that.
#Post#: 28070--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Bada
Date: March 22, 2019, 9:53 am
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Lady R: I just wanted to weigh in briefly to say that, the more
information you share, the more I understand the "yuck factor"
and empathize with it.
Your 22 year old, adult, step son, has not fully grown into
adulthood. He lives with a parent still and, despite living in
an area with no (limited?) public transportation, he has no
drivers' license (this last part would be totally to me if he
lived somewhere with excellent public transit; and yes, a lot of
young adults return home for financial reasons, I know). For
his birthday, he actually *wants* to celebrate with his extended
family which, while unusual IMHO, is probably good for
family-relations normally. However, he is pushing onto his
grandmother the stress and effort of hosting. He isn't taking
into consideration her time or schedule or inclination and has
"asked" to move the party to a Friday. Even a normal Friday
would be super tricky for both her and the other 20 people he's
"inviting" (in parenthesis because it seems like these
invitations are generally always accepted by everyone). But this
is the first anniversary of the death of MIL's spouse--and MIL
has been observing a formal period of grieving for the last
year. While a 22 year old may not be astute enough to realize
that your MIL is a people-pleaser who rarely/never says no, your
husband ought to have caught on by now. And yet he's pushing the
Friday party along.
So I think it's very reasonable for you to be squeamish about
this whole situation and to wish that something could be done to
help your MIL who may be too uncomfortable to stop something she
very much opposes. As others have said, maybe as a newly added
member of the family there's not much you *can* do, but I wanted
to affirm your feelings here and say you're not alone in your
opinions. Maybe just talking to MIL and affirming that you
would understand if she said "No" and would support her would
help her to find her voice?
#Post#: 28084--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Aleko
Date: March 22, 2019, 2:00 pm
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--- Quote ---
> I think it's more than just inconvenient.
--- End Quote ---
My point was, that even leaving aside all the emotional baggage
of this particular Friday, OP says it is an understood thing
that Fridays in general are an inconvenient day for family
parties, which is why they have them on sundays.
--- Quote ---
> I think it's selfish and inconsiderate to the one person who
ends up with the majority of the workload...Grandma.
Furthermore, it sounds like Grandma is hinting that she would
like to cut back on things a bit. Frequently, a "big" event
(FIL's death) is enough of a disturbance to do exactly that.
--- End Quote ---
Yes, she hinted (only hinted) that to OP and DH; but has she
done so to stepson, and did she make it clear enough that he
picked up on it? OP has stated that up till now she has been
very insistent that family parties should be at her house and is
resistant to others helping; and if that has always been a fact
of life for him, he may easily fail to grasp hints - many young
men aren't very good at that. Especially as she is
first-generation European - they don't actually belong to the
same culture, so they may have very different ways of
communicating.
#Post#: 28087--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Sycorax
Date: March 22, 2019, 2:41 pm
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I think this would be a good time for someone to use their
words, instead of just complaining about it behind stepson's
back. Can someone not just say to him that having the
celebration on Sunday would be more convenient for everyone?
#Post#: 28089--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Jem
Date: March 22, 2019, 2:59 pm
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--- Quote from: Pandorica link ---
>
> I think this would be a good time for someone to use their
words, instead of just complaining about it behind stepson's
back. Can someone not just say to him that having the
celebration on Sunday would be more convenient for everyone?
>
--- End Quote ---
YES!!!!!! Different people are going to have different
viewpoints, and all of the guessing or assuming as to how the
various affected people might feel (or how we think they SHOULD
feel) really does not matter here. Personally, I think the MIL
should use her words IF this is an issue for her (whether it is
because she doesn't want to host at all, doesn't want to host on
Friday, or doesn't want to celebrate her grandson's birthday
because she would rather actively grieve her deceased husband's
birthday). Otherwise, the stepson/grandson is going to assume
that his requests are being happily complied with.
I don't think it is universal to set aside a deceased person's
birthday as off limits for anything other than actively
grieving. At some point, there would be no days left for any
celebrations at all!
#Post#: 28097--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: bopper
Date: March 22, 2019, 4:35 pm
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I agree that stepson has done the same thing every year...why is
he stuck with the old routine that doesn't necessarily work for
him?
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