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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 28010--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Contrarian Date: March 21, 2019, 3:05 pm
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Does this SIL want his mother do do all the usual stuff herself,
on a Friday, when she normally does it on a Sunday, when there
might be some other people around to keep her company and help
her out a bit?
Or does she spend all Sunday doing the preparation alone, and
the 20 people just show up and partake?
If I were MIL (which obviously I’m not), I would prefer to be by
myself on my deceased husbands birthday (I do have a deceased
husband by the way) and celebrate SIL’s and maybe FIL’s as well,
on the Sunday with the usual crowd around.
I would hate to spend my husbands birthday alone preparing and
evening party for only the family members that can make it,
because that’s what SIL wants.
If he wants his bday on the Friday, he should host it, and do
the prep.
Of course, a lot of you don’t like people hosting their own
birthdays, but my crowd do it all the tome, gifts are never more
than the usual host gifts of wine and or flowers and the bday
girl/or boy supplies food, drink and dessert enough for
everyone, so I don’t see the problem.
#Post#: 28012--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Amara Date: March 21, 2019, 3:46 pm
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"When the tradition becomes a burden, it's time to change the
tradition." I know that's familiar to all of us here and maybe,
in a way, changing the tradition is what the stepson wants. It's
his birthday and he might suddenly feel that however much he
misses his grandfather he now can do things the way he'd like
without upsetting him.
It's only one possibility, but it is a possibility.
#Post#: 28016--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: LadyRexall Date: March 21, 2019, 4:16 pm
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Some great responses again that need more info from me.
Stepson is turning 22, lives at home with his mom and has no
license. So there are things like needing a ride and such but
not school age so he should be able to be sensitive to the whole
thing.
Mil hosts but usually people co tribute food wise. Having it on
a Friday means all the grown ups are working and can’t help and
the kids are in school.
We’ve tried to host before and it’s always met with extreme
resistance from mil. Hers is the only house that comfortably
accommodates us all. (I had to fight for the right to host my
sons baptism party). I can’t do a big fri evening party because
of kids and work. Stepson can’t host as he lives with his mom
and it would be awkward to host a party with his dads side of
the family at moms house (mom would feel the need to do extra
cleaning and such for us)
When hubby mentioned this to mil, she told us what her plans had
been. Her plan was not to do a family party for him this year
and take him out to dinner with grown daughter who still lives
at home. I feel like she wanted to skip the whole big family
party this year because her husband and all the emotions that
will sprout around his bday. Mil is old school European and
still in her year of mourning. I’m not sure if mil would
actually admit truly to not wanting this but I will definitely
try talking to her. I’ll try and lead her with questions to feel
safe saying what she’d truly like. Even with that though, hubby
may put sons wishes above moms wishes, unless im able to
convince him to truly put himself in her shoes and feel her
feelings.
#Post#: 28022--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Jem Date: March 21, 2019, 4:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I do not intend to come across harshly, but I really think you
should step back, OP. I don’t know how long you have been a part
of your husband’s family, but you seem to feel a need to
micromanage and assume how various people are feeling. It seems
exhausting and I think you are putting more effort into this
than is useful for anyone.
All of these people are adults and they can speak up (or not)
for themselves. The way you describe the various people comes
across, to me, as though you are projecting on them how YOU
think they should feel rather than actually taking cues from
them. Especially because you are the least related here (as the
step mother and as the DIL as opposed to the Grandmother and
father or son) and have likely been a part of the family the
shortest amount of time, I think you should allow the already
existing family dynamics to play out without interference from
you.
I also don’t think this needs to be “putting stepson’s wishes
over MIL’s feelings.”
#Post#: 28025--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Hmmm Date: March 21, 2019, 5:07 pm
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[quote author=LadyRexall link=topic=1048.msg28016#msg28016
date=1553202980]
Some great responses again that need more info from me.
Stepson is turning 22, lives at home with his mom and has no
license. So there are things like needing a ride and such but
not school age so he should be able to be sensitive to the whole
thing.
Mil hosts but usually people co tribute food wise. Having it on
a Friday means all the grown ups are working and can’t help and
the kids are in school.
We’ve tried to host before and it’s always met with extreme
resistance from mil. Hers is the only house that comfortably
accommodates us all. (I had to fight for the right to host my
sons baptism party). I can’t do a big fri evening party because
of kids and work. Stepson can’t host as he lives with his mom
and it would be awkward to host a party with his dads side of
the family at moms house (mom would feel the need to do extra
cleaning and such for us)
When hubby mentioned this to mil, she told us what her plans had
been. Her plan was not to do a family party for him this year
and take him out to dinner with grown daughter who still lives
at home. I feel like she wanted to skip the whole big family
party this year because her husband and all the emotions that
will sprout around his bday. Mil is old school European and
still in her year of mourning. I’m not sure if mil would
actually admit truly to not wanting this but I will definitely
try talking to her. I’ll try and lead her with questions to feel
safe saying what she’d truly like. Even with that though, hubby
may put sons wishes above moms wishes, unless im able to
convince him to truly put himself in her shoes and feel her
feelings.
[/quote]
If she already stated that had been her plan, then it should be
respected. Your 22 year old can go a year without a big family
bday party. If I were you, I would take him out for dinner on
Friday with your nuclear family if that is his preferred night
to celebrate. Your husband should just tell his son that MIL is
not up to hosting this year.
#Post#: 28027--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Rose Red Date: March 21, 2019, 6:17 pm
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A few posters are calling the birthday boy SIL. He is not
LadyRexall's son-in-law. He's her stepson. The usual hostess
(MIL) for the parties is the birthday boy's grandmother, not his
mother.
Sorry, but seeing "SIL" confused me for a bit.
Unless I'm still confused. This is why I dislike acronyms.
#Post#: 28032--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Paper Roses Date: March 21, 2019, 7:17 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1048.msg28025#msg28025
date=1553206074]
[quote author=LadyRexall link=topic=1048.msg28016#msg28016
date=1553202980]
Some great responses again that need more info from me.
Stepson is turning 22, lives at home with his mom and has no
license. So there are things like needing a ride and such but
not school age so he should be able to be sensitive to the whole
thing.
Mil hosts but usually people co tribute food wise. Having it on
a Friday means all the grown ups are working and can’t help and
the kids are in school.
We’ve tried to host before and it’s always met with extreme
resistance from mil. Hers is the only house that comfortably
accommodates us all. (I had to fight for the right to host my
sons baptism party). I can’t do a big fri evening party because
of kids and work. Stepson can’t host as he lives with his mom
and it would be awkward to host a party with his dads side of
the family at moms house (mom would feel the need to do extra
cleaning and such for us)
When hubby mentioned this to mil, she told us what her plans had
been. Her plan was not to do a family party for him this year
and take him out to dinner with grown daughter who still lives
at home. I feel like she wanted to skip the whole big family
party this year because her husband and all the emotions that
will sprout around his bday. Mil is old school European and
still in her year of mourning. I’m not sure if mil would
actually admit truly to not wanting this but I will definitely
try talking to her. I’ll try and lead her with questions to feel
safe saying what she’d truly like. Even with that though, hubby
may put sons wishes above moms wishes, unless im able to
convince him to truly put himself in her shoes and feel her
feelings.
[/quote]
If she already stated that had been her plan, then it should be
respected. Your 22 year old can go a year without a big family
bday party. If I were you, I would take him out for dinner on
Friday with your nuclear family if that is his preferred night
to celebrate. Your husband should just tell his son that MIL is
not up to hosting this year.
[/quote]
If this applied to everyone I might agree, but if everyone is
still getting the traditional birthday celebration, why should
he have to miss out? It's not his fault he happened to be born
close to his grandfather's birthday.
#Post#: 28035--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Hmmm Date: March 21, 2019, 7:40 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Paper Roses link=topic=1048.msg28032#msg28032
date=1553213873]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1048.msg28025#msg28025
date=1553206074]
[quote author=LadyRexall link=topic=1048.msg28016#msg28016
date=1553202980]
Some great responses again that need more info from me.
Stepson is turning 22, lives at home with his mom and has no
license. So there are things like needing a ride and such but
not school age so he should be able to be sensitive to the whole
thing.
Mil hosts but usually people co tribute food wise. Having it on
a Friday means all the grown ups are working and can’t help and
the kids are in school.
We’ve tried to host before and it’s always met with extreme
resistance from mil. Hers is the only house that comfortably
accommodates us all. (I had to fight for the right to host my
sons baptism party). I can’t do a big fri evening party because
of kids and work. Stepson can’t host as he lives with his mom
and it would be awkward to host a party with his dads side of
the family at moms house (mom would feel the need to do extra
cleaning and such for us)
When hubby mentioned this to mil, she told us what her plans had
been. Her plan was not to do a family party for him this year
and take him out to dinner with grown daughter who still lives
at home. I feel like she wanted to skip the whole big family
party this year because her husband and all the emotions that
will sprout around his bday. Mil is old school European and
still in her year of mourning. I’m not sure if mil would
actually admit truly to not wanting this but I will definitely
try talking to her. I’ll try and lead her with questions to feel
safe saying what she’d truly like. Even with that though, hubby
may put sons wishes above moms wishes, unless im able to
convince him to truly put himself in her shoes and feel her
feelings.
[/quote]
If she already stated that had been her plan, then it should be
respected. Your 22 year old can go a year without a big family
bday party. If I were you, I would take him out for dinner on
Friday with your nuclear family if that is his preferred night
to celebrate. Your husband should just tell his son that MIL is
not up to hosting this year.
[/quote]
If this applied to everyone I might agree, but if everyone is
still getting the traditional birthday celebration, why should
he have to miss out? It's not his fault he happened to be born
close to his grandfather's birthday.
[/quote]
Because he is not a young child, but a 22 year old who should
have already learned that some things are more important than
their own desires or wants. As an adult, he should be ready to
put aside his own desires or expectations. It's not like HE is
planning, organizing, and funding the party, but instead is
expecting the grieving widow to plan and organize his party.
#Post#: 28038--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: SioCat Date: March 21, 2019, 9:17 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
We don’t know that he wants MIL to host everything. We just know
that he wants his celebration on Friday. He probably assumes MiL
will host, because that’s how it’s always been. We don’t know if
he’s perfectly happy with just going out to eat.
Why not do something in the middle like, still have it at MILs
House, but order pizzas instead? Now nobody has to cook, but he
still gets a celebration?
#Post#: 28041--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: LadyRexall Date: March 21, 2019, 11:04 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=SioCat link=topic=1048.msg28038#msg28038
date=1553221039]
We don’t know that he wants MIL to host everything. We just know
that he wants his celebration on Friday. He probably assumes MiL
will host, because that’s how it’s always been. We don’t know if
he’s perfectly happy with just going out to eat.
Why not do something in the middle like, still have it at MILs
House, but order pizzas instead? Now nobody has to cook, but he
still gets a celebration?
[/quote]
He does want mil to host. That’s exactly what he asked for.
That’s the message hubby passed on to mil in front of me. Mil
seemed surprised. “At my house?” “On Friday?” I should have
went into more detail about that part. Sorry.
Weve asked mil about ordering in or getting pizza before but she
highly disapproves.
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