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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 27970--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: STiG
Date: March 21, 2019, 8:02 am
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MIL and stepson's feelings are the ones that matter most in this
situation, IMO. They are the most directly affected. If MIL is
OK with it and it's what stepson wants to do to celebrate FIL,
then you're going to have to either suck it up or not go. Now,
if your DH has objections, that's a bit different, since it was
his father that passed, his son celebrating a birthday and
losing a grandfather and his mother who lost her husband, and he
can certainly voice his opinion. But I think MIL's opinion
should ultimately reign, here.
#Post#: 27971--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Jem
Date: March 21, 2019, 8:20 am
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--- Quote from: STiG link ---
>
> MIL and stepson's feelings are the ones that matter most in
this situation, IMO. They are the most directly affected. If
MIL is OK with it and it's what stepson wants to do the
celebrate FIL, then you're going to have to either suck it up or
not go. Now, if your DH has objections, that's a bit different,
since it was his father that passed, his son celebrating a
birthday and losing a grandfather and his mother who lost her
husband, and he can certainly voice his opinion. But I think
MIL's opinion should ultimately reign, here.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think you meant "what the stepson wants to do to celebrate
FIL" so I am responding to that idea...
Why does the stepson have to celebrate FIL? I don't get that at
all. It is the stepson's birthday. He is celebrating HIS OWN
birthday. The FIL has died and gone to heaven. He was presumably
celebrated at his funeral, right? People will of course remember
and miss FIL (not just on his birthday, by the way - at random
times or even at all times - grief is not a "set aside this day"
thing) and hopefully share happy thoughts including him, but the
idea that stepson has to somehow NOT celebrate HIS OWN birthday
to somehow honor someone who is no longer alive just comes
across as weird to me. Expecting the stepson to make HIS OWN
birthday about FIL seems really really weird to me, especially
because FIL is not even there!
#Post#: 27974--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: March 21, 2019, 8:47 am
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I think the best thing to do is to discuss with your MIL and
your stepson. If stepson is aware that the Friday is his
grandfather's bday then, ask if he is ok with there being some
type of commemoration of FIL or if it will bother him if there
is talk of FIL. If stepson is good to go, ask MIL how she feels
about holding the celebration on FIL's bday. She may be happy to
celebrate her grandson that day.
In my family, this would not been seen as "yucky" at all. But
each person grieves and mourns differently. When FIL passed, we
made sure to have a family gathering on the day we would have
normally celebrated his birthday so that MIL wouldn't spend the
day in deep depression or sadness. Had we had a family bday to
celebrate, we would have done so but also would have included
some way to acknowledge FIL. But I do think we as a family focus
more on celebrating the life and less on grieving the loss.
#Post#: 27978--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: STiG
Date: March 21, 2019, 9:12 am
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--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> I think the best thing to do is to discuss with your MIL and
your stepson. If stepson is aware that the Friday is his
grandfather's bday then, ask if he is ok with there being some
type of commemoration of FIL or if it will bother him if there
is talk of FIL. If stepson is good to go, ask MIL how she feels
about holding the celebration on FIL's bday. She may be happy to
celebrate her grandson that day.
>
> In my family, this would not been seen as "yucky" at all. But
each person grieves and mourns differently. When FIL passed, we
made sure to have a family gathering on the day we would have
normally celebrated his birthday so that MIL wouldn't spend the
day in deep depression or sadness. Had we had a family bday to
celebrate, we would have done so but also would have included
some way to acknowledge FIL. But I do think we as a family focus
more on celebrating the life and less on grieving the loss.
>
--- End Quote ---
This is what I meant by stepson celebrating FIL - at the same
time as celebrating his birthday, which they'd always done. But
by moving it to FIL's actual birthday, it's more about FIL, than
stepson, which is how I'm reading it. That stepson wants to
make the day easier for MIL. I could be wrong. Which is why I
said that MIL's opinion is the most important one, here. If she
wants to celebrate both birthdays on FIL's actual birthday?
Then go for it. If she'd rather have a day of quiet
introspection and dealing with her own grief then celebrating on
the closest Sunday, as usual? That's really up to her. If
stepson really wants to celebrate his birthday on the day
before, then he can hit up his buddies and do something with
them to respect MIL's wishes.
It boils down to... talk to MIL and find out what she wants to
do here. She's the innermost circle. Then the OP's DH and
siblings, then their children, though, since it is stepson's
birthday and they had always celebrated the two of them
together, I think his opinion carries more weight, perhaps in
the same circle as his Dad and Aunts and Uncles (if there are
any).
#Post#: 27979--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Songbird
Date: March 21, 2019, 9:15 am
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My birthday is the day after my father's birthday, so I spent my
entire life sharing the family celebration with him.
When I spoke at his funeral, the first thing I said was how my
birthday would never be the same.
I feel for your stepson, and I think the family should be guided
by what he wants.
#Post#: 27984--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: LadyRexall
Date: March 21, 2019, 10:22 am
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Thanks for all the fabulous responses so far. I appreciate all
of them. To answer of few things people brought up:
How I heard: hubby and I were picking up son at school and mil
was there to pick up another sons kids. We were talking to her
and hubby asks if son called her yet and said son wants the
Friday birthday. I tried to read mil body language and it seemed
off to me. It seemed to me she didn’t like this idea. Especially
since it’s at her house and she has to do all the work.
Mil: is an extreme people pleaser. She won’t say no. If she
hates the idea but someone asks, she’ll say yes anyhow. I get
that I don’t have to try and manage people’s requests to her,
but I do feel bad. Everyone knows she won’t say no so I do wish
they’d edit their requests a bit. I feel that mil gets taken
advantage of. (Again, not for me to fix, I just wish she’d get
some respect)
Bdays: we celebrate on Sunday as it suits everyone’s schedule.
Friday evenings are work nights for some of the people involved.
The fam: I hate to put feelers out because it feels like
gossiping behind their back. I can only imagine that if my dad
just died and nephew wanted to celebrate his bday on the bday of
recently deceased dad, I might not like that. (That’s what put
up my yucky radar. Putting myself in their shoes and trying to
feel what they might feel)
Hubby: knows mil won’t say no but is ok with that. He thought
this was a great idea since son wants it this way.
#Post#: 27998--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: NewHomeowner
Date: March 21, 2019, 1:06 pm
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I'll probably get beat up for this, but....
It's stepson's birthday party. Why can't he do what he wants?
I think it sounds like a lovely tribute.
#Post#: 28002--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: lisastitch
Date: March 21, 2019, 2:05 pm
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I don't think it's yucky at all. The year after my dad died,
his birthday fell on a weekend I go to a knitting retreat, and I
asked if my mother (and my sister) would be interested in
joining me. Of course, we were all thinking about him, but it
was really nice to have something else to occupy ourselves with,
and not just spend the day thinking about him and missing him.
(We did that too!)
I do think that it often helps to change up traditions in that
first year after a death so that it isn't exactly the same
except for that one missing person. Stepson wants to celebrate
on Friday, maybe because it won't be the same kind of
celebration. That may actually work well for your MIL.
I would talk with her about how she's feeling, and what she
wants to do. Maybe you could suggest ordering pizza, or picking
up take out from a restaurant, or doing a potluck, instead of
having her make everything?
Whether the logistics work for doing it on Friday is a different
question. it may be that not everyone will be able to make it
this time, but I would think it would be really good for your
MIL (and stepson) to be surrounded by family who are also
missing him on his actual birthday.
#Post#: 28008--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: LadyRexall
Date: March 21, 2019, 2:56 pm
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--- Quote from: LadyJaneinMD link ---
>
> I'll probably get beat up for this, but....
>
> It's stepson's birthday party. Why can't he do what he wants?
I think it sounds like a lovely tribute.
>
--- End Quote ---
You won’t get beat up; this is actually a popular opinion so
far. No one else’s yuckiness radar went up with this; just mine
lol. I appreciate every single response.
#Post#: 28009--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: March 21, 2019, 2:56 pm
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--- Quote from: LadyRexall link ---
>
> Thanks for all the fabulous responses so far. I appreciate all
of them. To answer of few things people brought up:
> How I heard: hubby and I were picking up son at school and mil
was there to pick up another sons kids. We were talking to her
and hubby asks if son called her yet and said son wants the
Friday birthday. I tried to read mil body language and it seemed
off to me. It seemed to me she didn’t like this idea. Especially
since it’s at her house and she has to do all the work.
> Mil: is an extreme people pleaser. She won’t say no. If she
hates the idea but someone asks, she’ll say yes anyhow. I get
that I don’t have to try and manage people’s requests to her,
but I do feel bad. Everyone knows she won’t say no so I do wish
they’d edit their requests a bit. I feel that mil gets taken
advantage of. (Again, not for me to fix, I just wish she’d get
some respect)
> Bdays: we celebrate on Sunday as it suits everyone’s schedule.
Friday evenings are work nights for some of the people involved.
> The fam: I hate to put feelers out because it feels like
gossiping behind their back. I can only imagine that if my dad
just died and nephew wanted to celebrate his bday on the bday of
recently deceased dad, I might not like that. (That’s what put
up my yucky radar. Putting myself in their shoes and trying to
feel what they might feel)
> Hubby: knows mil won’t say no but is ok with that. He thought
this was a great idea since son wants it this way.
>
--- End Quote ---
You know, I think this is a great time to break with the
tradition of celebrations always being at MIL's house. Why not
suggest that you guys host your son's bday at your own home for
a change? Your husband can even explain it to his mom that he
doesn't want her to need to go through the effort on such an
emotional weekend and that you guys think it would be a nice
change for everyone.
I will say I had assumed your stepson was older (not one needing
to be picked up from school) so he might not be sensitive to the
date move or even remember that it is his grandfather's bday.
Did he express why he wanted the change?
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