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#Post#: 27944--------------------------------------------------
Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: LadyRexall Date: March 20, 2019, 4:12 pm
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Ok. I’ll hit you with a few facts first:
1. Step son and fil have bdays one day apart, fil being first.
2. We ALWAYS celebrate birthdays on the closest Sunday (meaning
fil and step son always had a joint bday. I share my celebration
with 2 others, all of the kids are mashed with at least one
other kid)
3. Fil passed away 8 months ago. This will be the first bday
he’s in heaven.
Stepson wants to deviate from the norm this year. His bday is on
a sat. Instead of celebrating Sunday, he’d like to celebrate on
Friday; what would have been fils bday. As soon as I heard it,
my arms goosebumps and the needle on my “this is yucky” radar
nearly broke! I may be the only one thinking this is super
yucky.
My thoughts: fil first bday in heaven maybe should be a day of
deep reflection. Mil will probably be in a horrible state that
day and be just beyond herself. It seems super yucky that
instead of thinking about fil, we’ll be celebrating someone
else’s bday, whose bday isn’t even that day.
Is this grossing anyone else out or do you think it may be a
sweet way to remember fil?
Note: I don’t think stepson is trying to malicious by making
fils first bday in heaven about himself.
#Post#: 27947--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: SioCat Date: March 20, 2019, 5:42 pm
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I don’t see how it’s yucky. They’ve shared the celebration this
whole time. If he’s doing it as a sweet way to remember fil,
that’s nice. But if that day works better for his schedule, I
still don’t see the problem.
#Post#: 27948--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: LadyRexall Date: March 20, 2019, 5:49 pm
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[quote author=SioCat link=topic=1048.msg27947#msg27947
date=1553121735]
I don’t see how it’s yucky. They’ve shared the celebration this
whole time. If he’s doing it as a sweet way to remember fil,
that’s nice. But if that day works better for his schedule, I
still don’t see the problem.
[/quote]
We’ve never celebrated on any day other than Sunday (as it suits
the whole family schedule). I should have clarified, it’s not
just immeadiate family, it’s mil/fil, their 4 offspring/
spouses/children totalling almost 20 people. It’s always held st
mil house and mil does all the prep/cooking. If the closest
Sunday doesn’t work we always do another Sunday. This is just
what has always happened. Also: I didn’t hear it directly from
stepson do I don’t know his reasoning of why he’d like to do it
this way.
#Post#: 27951--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: silversurfer Date: March 20, 2019, 7:09 pm
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I'm sorry for your loss LadyRexall.
I don't think there is anything wrong with SIL changing the day
of the celebration of his birthday.
If SIL wants to do something different, I think that is his
call. It's clear your whole family is really close. And I'm
thinking FILs death has hit everyone hard.
I think the two most important people in this discussion are SIL
and the wife of FIL. If they are in agreement, i think everyone
else needs to respect their wishes. It also may be that the wife
of the FIL would like to commemorate the passing of her husband
in a different way - not necessarily on his birthday.
#Post#: 27954--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: hovlane Date: March 20, 2019, 7:59 pm
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I have an idea. Why not discuss this with your stepson?
#Post#: 27955--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Rose Red Date: March 20, 2019, 8:32 pm
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Are you close to your stepson? How did you find out his wishes?
If you're close, ask him if he already discussed it with his
grandmother. She may be fine with it and actually welcome being
surrounded by loved ones on that day.
#Post#: 27958--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Luci Date: March 20, 2019, 10:15 pm
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I think it’s sweet. If the day doesn’t work out, I guess lesson
learned, even if it’s the first birthday without FIL.
#Post#: 27962--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Aleko Date: March 21, 2019, 2:57 am
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I think: first of all, don't take it on yourself to decide how
your MIL would want or how she will feel if he does this. No
good ever comes of saying "it's not just me - you'd make X very
unhappy" without checking with X that s/he (a) would really be
made unhappy and (b) authorises you to speak on her/his behalf.
For two: ask him what kind of celebration he has in mind and
what his thinking is, and explain to him, in a calm
non-aggrieved way, what your first reaction to his idea was when
you heard it. It may well be that you will feel more warmly
toward his plans when he explains them himself; it may be that
he will readily drop them when he realises that they don't sit
well with at least one other member of the family. Ask if he
has discussed them with MIL - do you even know for sure that he
hasn't? - and if he says no, suggest that he absolutely needs to
do that. Of course you all loved and miss FIL, and everyone's
grief is equally valid, but surely his wife should be the
arbiter of how she wants to mark his birthday. But let her do
that for herself; don't make yourself her mouthpiece.
#Post#: 27964--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Kimberami Date: March 21, 2019, 6:03 am
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Maybe the thought of carrying on the tradition without his
birthday buddy is too sad for your stepson? Your FIL would be
his grandfather, right? Changing the tradition might alleviate
some of the grief that he must be feeling on this first solo
birthday party. Unless there is a lot of background knowledge
that we don't know, nothing seems inherently yucky about someone
wanting to have a celebration on a Friday night. It is the day
before his birthday, and it is a way to remember Grandpa.
#Post#: 27969--------------------------------------------------
Re: Celebrating your special day on someone else’s special day
By: Jem Date: March 21, 2019, 7:40 am
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I think you are WAY overthinking this. I agree with PP’s that
you really don’t know what anyone else is thinking or feeling.
If you feel you must say something and stop your stepson from
celebrating his birthday (I think this would be ridiculous, but
if you think you should) then own it as YOUR concerns and YOUR
feelings you are protecting. Everyone handles grief differently
and there is no “rule” that grief requires setting aside entire
days to do nothing but feel bad. I would personally be a little
miffed if I were the MIL and learned family celebrations were
compromised because someone else believes I should be grieving.
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