DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Life in General
*****************************************************
#Post#: 27302--------------------------------------------------
How to tell a former "friend" to leave us alone (when
it should have been obvious).
DIR By: Despedina
Date: March 6, 2019, 4:21 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
So I have a bit of a dilemma and its come up a couple of times
in the last few weeks.
Sherry and her husband Don and our family have been involved in
the same scout group for many years. DH and I considered them
friends. A few years ago a parent complained about my older son
(who was then 12) bothering her son. Sherry and Don having
positions handled the situation but it was very one sided as
they are better friends with the other parent. I was bothered
by the way this situation was handled in that Sherry and Don
made it very clear that we were not friends. Fine. We backed
away from them after that.
A year and a half ago son was diagnosed with mild autism. He is
fine except that social situations are tough for him. Due to
this kids can think he's being mean when really he doesn't know
how to put things more gently. We are working on this but is a
process.
Same parent complained about son last fall. (for the record, no
other parents have complained). All adults IN CHARGE had been
told of son's diagnosis when the diagnosis happened. Adults in
charge (which included Sherry) pulled together a committee to
discuss the situation (mostly registered adults (who were not
told of the diagnosis by us) along with 2 council reps). We
were not invited. Committee voted to ask Son (and by extension
us) to leave. We met to receive this information with the
council reps present. Council reps had not been told of son's
disability and were surprised to hear about it. I'm assuming few
"other" adults in the "committee" knew either. At that point
and due to some other drama happening in the troop (I had been
cursed at a couple of weeks prior) we did not fight it. I did
make it clear that this decision was devastating and I didn't
feel that proper consideration was given to son's disability and
that we wanted nothing more to do with Adults in Charge
(including Sherry) moving forward. I bit my tongue SO hard but
I'm proud how I handled it. Older son was devastated (and
crying as we sat there) as this was his only activity, Younger
Son was excited to cross over to this troop so was now
devastated also and DH and I had devoted much of our extra time
to this troop. We were all pretty upset by this for a while.
I have since tried to move past the situation and the boys have
thankfully joined a new troop. The issue is that Sherry seems
to be a bit clueless to the fact that we don't want to associate
with her. She is a teacher at our son's school (1st grade) so we
sometimes see her at things. If I HAD to talk to her I would be
polite and to the point and move on. She has actually seeked us
out. The first time was at an after school meeting about an out
of state trip for middle schoolers. I sat across the room from
her. That night, she sent me a message that said "Hey PAL, just
wanted to make sure you are getting Younger Son signed up for
the trip, its filling up fast!".
I ignored the message. Then last week my DH was at the grocery
store and she came across the room with "Hey DH, hows it going?
Great day for grocery shopping etc etc". DH says he just grinned
and nodded and made his way to the check out line.
Honestly when she speaks to us as if NOTHING transpired I feel a
bit insulted. I don't wish her ill will because I believe she
was doing what she felt was best (I don't believe she was evil)
but I don't want to be reminded about this hurtful situation any
longer and just want her to leave us alone. How do I make this
happen without seeming crazy?
#Post#: 27304--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a former "friend" to leave us alone
(when it should have been obvious).
DIR By: Contrarian
Date: March 6, 2019, 4:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
First, well done. This sounds like an extremely difficult
situation that you handled very well and honestly, if you could
give yourself and your family a badge you should.
And a great example to your son. He will be dealing with this
often. You have demonstrated great strength and integrity, it’s
the best thing you could have done for both your boys.
Don’t say anything to this couple or their kids. It’s difficult
but the smile and move on will eventually sink in. Any further
interaction, any confrontation, no matter how well worded or
mild, will cause drama.
Maybe write her a letter spellingit all out, and hold on to it,
and if a year or two from now you’re in a position to completely
avoid her, send her that letter. She will have moved on, she
will have thought nothing of her behaviour. And that’s the only
time she will think about it, without immediately being on the
defense.
Unless she just thinks about it herself which may happen. But,
don’t engage and continue to be strong. You sound pretty
awesome.
#Post#: 27308--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a former "friend" to leave us alone
(when it should have been obvious).
DIR By: Despedina
Date: March 6, 2019, 4:56 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Contrarian link ---
>
> First, well done. This sounds like an extremely difficult
situation that you handled very well and honestly, if you could
give yourself and your family a badge you should.
>
> And a great example to your son. He will be dealing with this
often. You have demonstrated great strength and integrity, it’s
the best thing you could have done for both your boys.
>
> Don’t say anything to this couple or their kids. It’s
difficult but the smile and move on will eventually sink in. Any
further interaction, any confrontation, no matter how well
worded or mild, will cause drama.
>
> Maybe write her a letter spellingit all out, and hold on to
it, and if a year or two from now you’re in a position to
completely avoid her, send her that letter. She will have moved
on, she will have thought nothing of her behaviour. And that’s
the only time she will think about it, without immediately being
on the defense.
>
> Unless she just thinks about it herself which may happen.
But, don’t engage and continue to be strong. You sound pretty
awesome.
>
--- End Quote ---
Wow thank you for the kind words. To be honest I don't feel
awesome. There's a lot more to it but we feel like Older Son
and us have been kicked out of the "cool kids club" to be
honest. There's a lot of background but basically we tried to
fit in with these adults (I won't blame any of their kids as
they all seemed pretty decent) and I can honestly say it felt
like we were back in high school again with this group. We
would volunteer when no one else would and our family donated to
the troop and went above and beyond and this is how it ended.
I'm so glad we found a new group who is so much different.
#Post#: 27313--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a former "friend" to leave us alone
(when it should have been obvious).
DIR By: Victoria
Date: March 6, 2019, 8:05 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
It sounds like you handled this whole thing with a lot of
dignity. If I were you, I would be polite and nothing more, and
hope that she eventually picks up on the fact that you aren't
saying more than a cursory hello. Continue to ignore all texts
and decline all invitations. If you absolutely can't stand it
anymore or you feel like you must say something, I would
practice a couple of sentences that you could say to Sherry the
next time she tries to get buddy-buddy with you. It should be
something that you know cold, and that you can say in a neutral
tone. Something like "Sherry, it was very difficult for my
family after Son was removed from Troop last month. I know that
you were doing what you felt was right, but I would appreciate
it if you would respect our need for distance. Thank you."
#Post#: 27314--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a former "friend" to leave us alone
(when it should have been obvious).
DIR By: lakey
Date: March 6, 2019, 8:54 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I think you're on the right track. Avoid her. If she does
approach you, make your responses short. If she phones or texts,
I would not answer. I'm glad you found another troop for your
sons. An autistic child has difficulty with interactions, and it
sounds like you are being a good advocate for him. This type of
thing can be stressful for the parents as well as the children,
so take care of yourself.
#Post#: 27318--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a former "friend" to leave us alone
(when it should have been obvious).
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: March 7, 2019, 4:20 am
---------------------------------------------------------
It's completely possible that it's actually NOT obvious to
Sherry that you don't want to be friends with her after what
happened with your son. Some people are great at
compartmentalizing, so maybe Sherry genuinely sees her actions
in her role as Scout Leader and her friendship with you as
completely separate things. Or further to that, she believes
your family have accepted that your son was at "fault", and is
actually trying - in some misguided way - send the message "hey,
it's ok, I still like you, even though your son messed up!".
(Either that, or she's just a disrespectful, self-absorbed jerk,
who expects your friendship to always be on her terms!)
If she still keeps making overtures of friendship, I'd be
tempted to say something straight-out like: "Sherry, the
committee's decision to exclude my son from Scouts was hugely
upsetting to my family and me, especially in light of his recent
diagnosis, and I'm aware that you had a significant part in
decision. Frankly, I'm a little surprised that you expect me to
be fine with that, and carry on as if nothing has happened. So
please understand that I'm taking a step back from our
friendship."
#Post#: 27321--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a former "friend" to leave us alone
(when it should have been obvious).
DIR By: Aleko
Date: March 7, 2019, 4:45 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I don't think cluelessness is why Sherry is behaving as she is.
My guess is that either her conscience is troubling her, or some
of the committee members she manipulated into voting to kick
your son out are (or of course possibly both). She is behaving
as though nothing had happened and she was still the best of
friends with you and DH, hoping that will induce you to respond
accordingly; she can use your continuing "good relationship" as
evidence to prove to herself and others that she did nothing
wrong or hurtful, shut that criticism down, and move blithely
on.
You would have been within your rights to answer her text with
"That's a bit thick to concern yourself about my sons missing
out on extra-curricular activities, given how you got them
thrown out of our Scout troop!", but tempting though that is, it
would only have opened the can of worms again. I think you were
wise just to ignore it. I'd suggest that you and DH continue to
ignore any such texts; and if she accosts you and DH with jolly
greetings, just give her a long cold Paddington-Bear stare.
You're not obligated to collaborate in her self-vindication.
#Post#: 27323--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a former "friend" to leave us alone
(when it should have been obvious).
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: March 7, 2019, 8:30 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree that Sherry is feeling guilty for her behavior and the
way she handled the situation. I'd continue to ignore her
outreaches. If every directly confronted, explain to her that
her lack of empathy about your son's condition really changed
your opinion of her as a person and you don't have much time for
those choosing to alienate people with differences.
I'm really surprised the "committee" met about your son but did
not share all details with those making the decisions. Do you
think it was malicious or do you think they didn't think they
were allowed to share medical diagnosis?
#Post#: 27326--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a former "friend" to leave us alone
(when it should have been obvious).
DIR By: bopper
Date: March 7, 2019, 10:13 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Options:
1) Gray Rock - be as boring and immovable as a gray rock.
Continue to do what you are doing.
2) Cut Direct: Pretend she doesn't exist.
3) Say something: "Sherry, forgive me if I am not being
sociable. My son was kicked out of the troop you are on the
board for because, basically, he is on the autism spectrum. I
am having a hard time dealing with people who allowed that to
happen."
#Post#: 27327--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a former "friend" to leave us alone
(when it should have been obvious).
DIR By: Jem
Date: March 7, 2019, 10:22 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> Options:
>
> 1) Gray Rock - be as boring and immovable as a gray rock.
Continue to do what you are doing.
> 2) Cut Direct: Pretend she doesn't exist.
> 3) Say something: "Sherry, forgive me if I am not being
sociable. My son was kicked out of the troop you are on the
board for because, basically, he is on the autism spectrum. I
am having a hard time dealing with people who allowed that to
happen."
>
--- End Quote ---
Good advice. I would go with option three, personally. I am
struggling to understand how this committee meeting and decision
played out with only certain facts and without participation
from the OP, who was the affected parent!
*****************************************************
Page 1 of 3
DIR Next Page