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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 27279--------------------------------------------------
two issues: not inviting single people, and then TELLING THEM!
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: March 6, 2019, 11:45 am
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Today's Carolyn Hax column has this gem:
HTML https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-should-a-single-try-to-burst-her-friends-couple-bubble/2019/03/05/e83d568c-3eb9-11e9-922c-64d6b7840b82_story.html?utm_term=.5ef37a16c938
--- Quote ---
> However, while getting drinks with a friend a couple of weeks
ago, she offhandedly mentioned that she'd gotten together with
my best friend, his wife and two other people I'm close friends
with. "I thought about inviting you, but it was a couple thing,"
she said.
--- End Quote ---
There's a rule against talking to people about events they were
not invited to--it's OK if the person left out would not expect
to be included (so you can talk about the rec-league softball
team's end-of-season drinks to your colleague at work).
And I can see that one might get together for dinner with just
some of one's friends, and the others should understand that
they don't need to be invited to everything--but I'd still
expect the dinner-goers to not dwell at length on the event when
talking to the non-invitees.
But, "I thought about you and decided to exclude you"!!?!?!?1??!
And then, of course, there's the whole, "I can only have couples
at this dinner."
Insert eye roll here (several of them)>>>>> :o :o :o :o :o :o
:o :o
#Post#: 27283--------------------------------------------------
Re: two issues: not inviting single people, and then TELLING
THEM!
DIR By: lowspark
Date: March 6, 2019, 11:56 am
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I think that the best reply, if the LW could have thought of it
in the moment, would have been, "Really? Well then, why tell me
now? It only serves to hurt my feelings and make me feel left
out."
Yeah, that may seem a bit harsh. But I can think of no
justification for the friend to tell her. I almost think that
the couples vs. single issue might be a red herring. Regardless
of the reason for not inviting someone to something, it's not
only rude but it seems purposely hurtful to tell them after the
fact that they were deliberately left out.
#Post#: 27293--------------------------------------------------
Re: two issues: not inviting single people, and then TELLING
THEM!
DIR By: Twik
Date: March 6, 2019, 1:03 pm
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I would say that should a "friend" tell me that she wasn't
inviting me to an event simply because I was single (assuming it
wasn't some sort of "marital couple three-legged race" event),
I'd reconsider her status as friend, because she had already
reclassified me.
We should be past the age of "socializing must be done in pairs,
and singletons put the symmetry off," but apparently not. I
think this may have a basis in the old belief that people just
aren't interested in opposite-sex friends, and DH won't be
interested in his wife's female friend unless she can provide a
male counterpart to give him someone to talk to. (That's leaving
the whole jealousy aspect out, which is disgusting.)
#Post#: 27295--------------------------------------------------
Re: two issues: not inviting single people, and then TELLING
THEM!
DIR By: Titanica
Date: March 6, 2019, 1:50 pm
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*Crosses Twik's name off my Marital Couple Three-Legged Race
roster.*
#Post#: 27303--------------------------------------------------
Re: two issues: not inviting single people, and then TELLING
THEM!
DIR By: kckgirl
Date: March 6, 2019, 4:35 pm
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I am single. A woman in my office set up an annual Super Bowl
party and invited couples only (everybody else in the office).
She talked about it in the office with her guests in front of me
every year. Now, I would not have gone had I been invited, but I
still thought it was rude to talk about it before and after the
party.
#Post#: 27322--------------------------------------------------
Re: two issues: not inviting single people, and then TELLING
THEM!
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: March 7, 2019, 8:11 am
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I think that the biggest faux pas was the talking about it. You
*might* have a good reason for only inviting couples (although I
think that those reasons are probably rare and it is still
hurtful), so just do not mention it. Do not rub it in your
friend's face. And if you really care about this friend, make
sure that the next gathering does include her.
But really, I cannot imagine many social gatherings that a
single friend just could not be included. Doing so is really
hurtful, especially because it means excluding one person.
As a single, I am often included within gatherings that have
couples. I appreciate not being excluded, but there are times
that it can feel awkward. My favorite couples to spend time with
are those who realize that they are still individuals. They are
much more interesting people when they have lives beyond the
couple and being together is just the icing to their lives. Plus
these gatherings don't feel like a bunch of couples and me (or a
few other singles), but rather a mix of people with various
relationships to each other. Much more fun! :)
#Post#: 27335--------------------------------------------------
Re: two issues: not inviting single people, and then TELLING
THEM!
DIR By: JeanFromBNA
Date: March 7, 2019, 1:29 pm
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I can't read the article, because it's behind a paywall, but
uninviting someone, or telling someone that they are not invited
without provocation is one of the most rude things that you can
do. It's the opposite of hospitality.
#Post#: 27350--------------------------------------------------
Re: two issues: not inviting single people, and then TELLING
THEM!
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: March 7, 2019, 7:21 pm
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--- Quote from: kckgirl link ---
>
> I am single. A woman in my office set up an annual Super Bowl
party and invited couples only (everybody else in the office).
She talked about it in the office with her guests in front of me
every year. Now, I would not have gone had I been invited, but I
still thought it was rude to talk about it before and after the
party.
>
--- End Quote ---
Sorry. You're office coworker is just plain rude. If she only
invited a couple of couples to her yearly event, that would be
fine. But to exclude only you? That's just as bad as the high
school girl inviting every single girl in her class to a
sleep-over except one. And made a huge deal of talking about it
in front of her. No difference at all except your co-workers
are supposed to be adults.
On the other hand, you said you wouldn't have gone even if you
had been invited. Had you ever indicated to her that you had
zero interest in a social event that involved the Super Bowl?
Maybe she really thought you would prefer not to be involved and
therefore she and the others had no clue it was hurting your
feelings.
#Post#: 27354--------------------------------------------------
Re: two issues: not inviting single people, and then TELLING
THEM!
DIR By: LeslieF
Date: March 7, 2019, 8:17 pm
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--- Quote from: JeanFromBNA link ---
>
> I can't read the article, because it's behind a paywall, but
uninviting someone, or telling someone that they are not invited
without provocation is one of the most rude things that you can
do. It's the opposite of hospitality.
>
--- End Quote ---
Be freed from the paywall. This site carries the column and
several others that may find themselves behind the wall!
HTML https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/carolynhax/s-2180716
#Post#: 27363--------------------------------------------------
Re: two issues: not inviting single people, and then TELLING
THEM!
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: March 8, 2019, 7:39 am
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--- Quote from: gramma dishes link ---
>
> On the other hand, you said you wouldn't have gone even if you
had been invited. Had you ever indicated to her that you had
zero interest in a social event that involved the Super Bowl?
Maybe she really thought you would prefer not to be involved and
therefore she and the others had no clue it was hurting your
feelings.
>
--- End Quote ---
This is a great point. In this case, I would still advise the
host to invite kckgirl (you know, because an invitation is not a
summons and excluding one person is rude and hurtful). But I
could see the logic of the host to be, "kckgirl said she does
not want to attend, so I will not make her feel obligated to do
so."
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