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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 26916--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
DIR By: Lilac
Date: February 27, 2019, 7:02 pm
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Is this in their home? If so, the idea is beyond tacky in the
first place.
I can see organizing (not "hosting" if you're charging
admission) a wine tasting event for friends, if the attendees
(not "guests") are fully apprised up front of all costs. But
not as the celebration of a personal milestone like an
anniversary, which I would consider an occasion for only very
close friends. (If that; personally I think couples should
celebrate their first 49 anniversaries among themselves).
Combining the intimate with the commercial is just beyond the
pale.
If it's at a winery or restaurant or other venue, again, they
are just organizing it and all co-purchasers of the service
should get a say before the terms are changed. "Monseiur
Jean-Paul offered to add a flight of champagne for an extra $20
per person; could we take a vote on that by reply to this
e-mail?" would be the proper thing to do. And maybe, just
maybe, at the event, M. J-P could mention "Btw, I understand
it's Clew's and Les's 4th anniversary; let's raise a toast to
them!" Over and done in five minutes.
I would be very tempted to anonymously mail them an etiquette
book as an anniversary gift. With post-its in the sections on
hosting and entertaining.
#Post#: 26956--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
DIR By: CamelliaHouse
Date: February 28, 2019, 12:23 pm
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--- Quote from: jpcher link ---
>
> [quote author=Contrarian link=topic=1019.msg26855#msg26855
date=1551215356]
> I’d almost be tempted to “not receive” that last bit. Come to
the event as rsvp’ed and then if she wants that $10, she has to
ask me in person.
> I’d bring the $10 to give her but something to make realize
what she’s doing. Some people find it so easy to ask for things
via email but when they are face to face with you, the social
awkwardness kicks in.
>
--- End Quote ---
I'd be tempted as well. ;D
What was the result of the second scenario? Did you all change
your flight time and pay more? If so, then you all (I assume the
same group of friends) are enabling her to continue this
behavior.
She may be oblivious to social etiquette but if you don't say
anything about it then she will continue doing what she's always
done.
Maybe take the conversation off-line (go out for coffee or
whatever) and mention it to her after the party. Doing so before
the party will make things awkward.
[/quote]
The second scenario was resolved swiftly. One of the other
friends in the group replied, "No, that won't work because it
increases the price for everyone."
#Post#: 26957--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
DIR By: CamelliaHouse
Date: February 28, 2019, 12:24 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Lilac link ---
>
> Is this in their home? If so, the idea is beyond tacky in the
first place.
>
> I can see organizing (not "hosting" if you're charging
admission) a wine tasting event for friends, if the attendees
(not "guests") are fully apprised up front of all costs. But
not as the celebration of a personal milestone like an
anniversary, which I would consider an occasion for only very
close friends. (If that; personally I think couples should
celebrate their first 49 anniversaries among themselves).
Combining the intimate with the commercial is just beyond the
pale.
>
> If it's at a winery or restaurant or other venue, again, they
are just organizing it and all co-purchasers of the service
should get a say before the terms are changed. "Monseiur
Jean-Paul offered to add a flight of champagne for an extra $20
per person; could we take a vote on that by reply to this
e-mail?" would be the proper thing to do. And maybe, just
maybe, at the event, M. J-P could mention "Btw, I understand
it's Clew's and Les's 4th anniversary; let's raise a toast to
them!" Over and done in five minutes.
>
> I would be very tempted to anonymously mail them an etiquette
book as an anniversary gift. With post-its in the sections on
hosting and entertaining.
>
--- End Quote ---
Yes, the event is taking place at their home.
#Post#: 26970--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
DIR By: Surly
Date: February 28, 2019, 4:36 pm
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I don't think the original event is tacky, but I do think it's
not great to increase the price after people have agreed and
RSVPed. I would probably reply "Actually, could we skip the
extra pairings and stick to the original cost?" but I can see
why it would feel hard to do that.
#Post#: 26992--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: March 1, 2019, 9:14 am
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Had I been quick on my feet when I got the email, I probably
would have responded with "let's just stick with the original
list instead of increasing the cost." Just because she is
organizing, she doesn't get to change the rules.
I agree that I would approach this depending on how close and
comfortable I am with the friend. If a very good friend, I would
probably bring it up directly after the event. Something like
"hey, I know it was just $10 but I think that since you had
already communicated a price to the guests, you really shouldn't
have added different wines without checking with everyone or you
should have just absorbed the additional cost. It really
surprised me that you assumed everyone would be ok with that."
If not someone I know well, I might do as other's and remark
about "Oh and here is the extra $10 for the increase in ticket
price. Next time, I'll hold you to the original contract."
#Post#: 26997--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
DIR By: mime
Date: March 1, 2019, 11:01 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: CamelliaHouse link ---
>
> [quote author=jpcher link=topic=1019.msg26909#msg26909
date=1551305032]
> [quote author=Contrarian link=topic=1019.msg26855#msg26855
date=1551215356]
> I’d almost be tempted to “not receive” that last bit. Come to
the event as rsvp’ed and then if she wants that $10, she has to
ask me in person.
> I’d bring the $10 to give her but something to make realize
what she’s doing. Some people find it so easy to ask for things
via email but when they are face to face with you, the social
awkwardness kicks in.
>
--- End Quote ---
I'd be tempted as well. ;D
What was the result of the second scenario? Did you all change
your flight time and pay more? If so, then you all (I assume the
same group of friends) are enabling her to continue this
behavior.
She may be oblivious to social etiquette but if you don't say
anything about it then she will continue doing what she's always
done.
Maybe take the conversation off-line (go out for coffee or
whatever) and mention it to her after the party. Doing so before
the party will make things awkward.
[/quote]
The second scenario was resolved swiftly. One of the other
friends in the group replied, "No, that won't work because it
increases the price for everyone."
[/quote]
I can't say that would have been my response, but that friend
did well! Given this isn't the first time this 'host' hasn't
been thoughtful of others' financials, I wonder if other friends
in the thread breathed a sigh of relief, and were ready to agree
with this friend's answer?
#Post#: 27042--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: March 1, 2019, 11:02 pm
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I think it's pretty tacky - and a bit tight-fisted on your
friend's part. Ideally she should have stumped up the additional
cost herself.
That said, I don't think there are any easy solutions here. I
suspect that saying something like this:
--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> "I wish you had included this information when you first
invited us. If I'm going to pay to attend something like this, I
want to have all the expenses from the very beginning. I don't
like having the amount change after I have agreed to a price. I
wouldn't put up with that from a store, and I don't like having
my friends do it to me with social stuff. It may be only $10,
but it's still not something I'm cool with. Don't do this to me
again, please."
>
--- End Quote ---
will only result in your friend thinking that YOU are the one
overreacting and being petty.
That said, I'd be tempted to say something like "I'm happy to
forgo the additional pairings, so don't worry about collecting
the extra $10 from me". Which would make it harder for the
friend to insist that I had to pay it.
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