DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Entertaining and Hospitality
*****************************************************
#Post#: 26831--------------------------------------------------
Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
By: CamelliaHouse Date: February 26, 2019, 9:53 am
---------------------------------------------------------
A friend is organizing a group wine tasting evening as an
anniversary gift for her partner. When the invitations were sent
out, each guest was asked to contribute x sum of money to help
pay for the cost of the wine and the invited sommelier.
After the RSVP date passed, she sent out an email update to
everyone who accepted to attend the event. Because the sommelier
had suggested some additional special wine pairings, she asked
her guests to increase their contribution (not by much - the
increase amounts to $10 each).
The cost increase does not prohibit me from attending the event,
but in my opinion it seems incredibly gauche to change the cost
of an event after people have RSVPed. First of all, we are
already helping to defray the cost of the couple's anniversary
party. Secondly, some may not want to pay the extra amount and
then have to go through the awkwardness of cancelling their RSVP
- I wouldn't be surprised then if the remaining guests have to
absorb the cost of those guests pulling out.
If it was up to me, as the host I would have declined the
additional suggested wine pairings knowing that it would place
an additional financial burden on my guests - or quietly coughed
up the extra amount needed myself without mentioning it to
anyone.
I don't want to spoil the event so I don't think I will discuss
this with my friend... but what would be a polite way to
indicate to her that she did something tacky?
#Post#: 26832--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
By: Jem Date: February 26, 2019, 10:04 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=CamelliaHouse link=topic=1019.msg26831#msg26831
date=1551196395]
I don't want to spoil the event so I don't think I will discuss
this with my friend... but what would be a polite way to
indicate to her that she did something tacky?
[/quote]
I think this a situation where you will need to come to terms
with why you want to indicate this to her and what you hope her
response will be. Was she tacky? Yep. But why do you want to
point this out to her? Do you want to shame her? Do you want to
prevent her from doing something like this again? Do you think
your telling her that you disapprove will be a value add or a
negative to the situation as a whole?
Sometimes telling people that you disapprove of their actions
does not cause the person to reevaluate their actions but
instead causes them to reevaluate their relationship with the
person who called them out.
#Post#: 26833--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
By: CamelliaHouse Date: February 26, 2019, 10:12 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I think it is because this is not the first time she has done
something like this... she seems to be blissfully unaware of
basic etiquette when it comes to organizing events.
Another recent example had to do with organizing a weekend
getaway. A small group of friends was purchasing airline tickets
together. She asked if we could take a different flight as it
would save her the trouble of paying $$ to take a cab to the
airport by a certain time vs. getting a lift with a family
member later on in the day. But then we each would have to pay
more to take the later flight...
#Post#: 26840--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
By: gramma dishes Date: February 26, 2019, 11:38 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Since this isn't really a one off for her, I'd pay the extra $10
each this time and attend the wine tasting joyfully.
BUT the next time she decides to throw a party for herself or
her husband with everyone else paying for it, I'd decline. When
she asks why, just tell her the truth! People do not like
having extra expenses thrust on them at the last minute with
virtually no opportunity to decline. She clearly hasn't noticed
this phenomenon herself so she's never going to realize it's
offensive unless someone tells her!
#Post#: 26843--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
By: Rose Red Date: February 26, 2019, 12:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
If the $10 is no big deal, I wouldn't say anything this time.
However, if it is a big deal, I would have told her "I'm sorry,
I didn't budget for another $10 at the last minute. I'm going to
have to decline the invitation." Since she changed the terms,
the RSVP request has reset.
Did you already pay the money for the first original sum? Next
time, I'd tell her to please confirm the final cost before you
are able to RSVP.
#Post#: 26849--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
By: TootsNYC Date: February 26, 2019, 2:43 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I think you can speak about yourself, and not necessarily about
some universal "this is rude."
You can say, "I wish you had included this information when you
first invited us. If I'm going to pay to attend something like
this, I want to have all the expenses from the very beginning. I
don't like having the amount change after I have agreed to a
price. I wouldn't put up with that from a store, and I don't
like having my friends do it to me with social stuff. It may be
only $10, but it's still not something I'm cool with. Don't do
this to me again, please."
#Post#: 26854--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
By: DaDancingPsych Date: February 26, 2019, 3:04 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1019.msg26849#msg26849
date=1551213828]
I think you can speak about yourself, and not necessarily about
some universal "this is rude."
You can say, "I wish you had included this information when you
first invited us. If I'm going to pay to attend something like
this, I want to have all the expenses from the very beginning. I
don't like having the amount change after I have agreed to a
price. I wouldn't put up with that from a store, and I don't
like having my friends do it to me with social stuff. It may be
only $10, but it's still not something I'm cool with. Don't do
this to me again, please."
[/quote]
I like this approach. Go ahead and pay the extra, but inform her
of the inconvenience. If she is simply the clueless kind, just
bringing it to her attention should produce changes in the
future.
#Post#: 26855--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
By: Contrarian Date: February 26, 2019, 3:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I very much dislike an invitation that comes with a price tag.
How was this done?
Was it something like “Hubby and I are celebrating our thing by
holding a wine tasting event! If you’d like to join us, the cost
to participate is $$$, please let us know by date if you’d like
to attend”
I think that’s not so bad actually. But if it was “We’d like to
invite you to join us in the celebration of this event. We will
have wine tasting and light snacks. Please rvsp by this date and
send $$$ by e-transfer to help with the cost”.
The second I dislike very much. The first sounds more like they
are more inviting you to an at home service rather than a party
you have to pay for, the second is an invitation to a party they
are pretending to host but really everyone is paying for the
food and wine so not really? I know they are providing the
location but will they get host gifts as well? I don’t know.
Either way, “I added more wine so it's an extra $10 per head”
after you’ve agreed to pay $30 (or whatever) is ridiculous.
Absolutely if she added something without consulting those who
are funding the event than she’s on the hook for the payment.
I’d almost be tempted to “not receive” that last bit. Come to
the event as rsvp’ed and then if she wants that $10, she has to
ask me in person.
I’d bring the $10 to give her but something to make realize what
she’s doing. Some people find it so easy to ask for things via
email but when they are face to face with you, the social
awkwardness kicks in.
Is that horribly passive aggressive? I wouldn’t want to be PA,
but I would want her to ask me in person for some reason. I
would want to see if she is that oblivious.
The “let’s take another plane so I can save money” is so
incredibly selfish, but I know some people who are capable of
thinking of others but only when reminded. So if she said that
and someone pointed out, but that means Paul and Mary will be
spending way more, she may take in a breath and say she hadn’t
thought of that. That can get a pass from me.
But yes, I’d like her to ask me personally for the $10
#Post#: 26860--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
By: Hanna Date: February 26, 2019, 4:43 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
If it were a good friend I’d just say “Ann you can’t do that.”
and I’d hope my good friends would do the same when I make a
mistake.
For someone more distant or touchy and the amount was manageable
I’d just go and deal.
#Post#: 26909--------------------------------------------------
Re: Changing Cost of Event After RSVP
By: jpcher Date: February 27, 2019, 4:03 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Contrarian link=topic=1019.msg26855#msg26855
date=1551215356]
I’d almost be tempted to “not receive” that last bit. Come to
the event as rsvp’ed and then if she wants that $10, she has to
ask me in person.
I’d bring the $10 to give her but something to make realize what
she’s doing. Some people find it so easy to ask for things via
email but when they are face to face with you, the social
awkwardness kicks in.
[/quote]
I'd be tempted as well. ;D
What was the result of the second scenario? Did you all change
your flight time and pay more? If so, then you all (I assume the
same group of friends) are enabling her to continue this
behavior.
She may be oblivious to social etiquette but if you don't say
anything about it then she will continue doing what she's always
done.
Maybe take the conversation off-line (go out for coffee or
whatever) and mention it to her after the party. Doing so before
the party will make things awkward.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page