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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 26742--------------------------------------------------
Divulging surprise party plans to the "victim" -- or
not?
DIR By: Lilac
Date: February 24, 2019, 2:37 pm
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Hello everyone!
Background: I still live in the general area where my sister
and I grew up. She left town to attend grad school and ended up
making her adult life in that area of the country -- marrying,
divorcing, working, etc. and has been there for 30 years. So I
don't really know her circle of friends, nor the "family" she
still has that are her ex-husband's relatives and to whom she
remains very close.
More background: I don't do Facebook, my sister is very active
on it. We are one another's only living relatives. My sister
has incurable cancer that is (knock on wood) in check with an
immunotherapy drug but that likely will result in an extremely
premature death. She appears "normal" but fatigues easily and
for obvious reasons has emotional swings too.
I was startled today to have one of my sister's local
since-high-school friends show up on my doorstep (she didn't
have my phone number) and tell me that she's seen via Facebook
that friends down there are planning a surprise party several
months from now for my sister. Local Friend and her daughter
are planning to drive the 500 miles for it and she said
"everybody" wants to know if I will attend. It's at a
restaurant near my sister's home, one she likes a lot, and there
is a ruse underway to get her there, where she will be surprised
by not only local friends but some out-of-towners and presumably
me.
After I got over the scare of friend showing up unexpectedly
(they are close and I was afraid she knew something I didn't
know about my sister's health) I felt put in a major dilemma. I
think my sister would be mortified to be surprised, especially
if her hair/makeup/attire were not up to what she considered
party standards (the ruse is just going out to dinner with one
or two friends, casually).
Second, I worry that if she doesn't know in advance she won't be
able to rest, prepare and take a medication that she can use
occasionally to help with energy levels. I worry that when she
finds out I was clued in, in advance, our relationship will
suffer -- we already have a lot of ups and downs.
On the flip side, she is VERY adamant about being "honorable"
and I recently found out that she concealed dire news about a
family friend, from me, for a year, because he swore her to
secrecy. She "felt bad" about not telling me but felt honor
bound to follow his wishes.
Am I similarly bound to keep her friends' confidence? for all I
know she will think it's hilarious to be surprised, though my
money is on her being secretly irked and put on the spot (not
that she wouldn't like the party but she would like to be
dressed and rested).
Sorry for the convoluted explanation. I wonder what the members
here would think/do in a similar situation.
#Post#: 26743--------------------------------------------------
Re: Divulging surprise party plans to the "victim" --
or not?
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: February 24, 2019, 2:44 pm
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Rather giving away the surprise, I would get in touch with the
host(s) and explain your concerns. Maybe they can adjust the
plans to ensure that sister is dressed, medicated, and rested
properly. There is even a chance that these friends have similar
concerns and may be developing the plan to ensure for them.
#Post#: 26744--------------------------------------------------
Re: Divulging surprise party plans to the "victim" --
or not?
DIR By: Jem
Date: February 24, 2019, 2:44 pm
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How close are you with your sister? If very close, and you are
pretty certain your sister wouldn’t want to be surprised, I
would first mention the friends that a surprise party is not the
way to go. Maybe a planned party with surprise guests, but not a
surprise party.
It sounds like you sister is similar to me in some ways. I DO
NOT like surprises, and if someone threw me a surprise party and
I was not dressed how I would have wanted, or hair and makeup
how I wanted, etc I would be upset. I would MUCH prefer to know
that there is going to be a party and to present myself how I
want to be seen.
#Post#: 26749--------------------------------------------------
Re: Divulging surprise party plans to the "victim" --
or not?
DIR By: HenrysMom
Date: February 24, 2019, 5:09 pm
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I’ve told this story on the old board, but it may help here:
For one of my mother’s last milestone birthdays, the family had
a surprise party at her house. I was the one assigned to
distract her while they got things ready. When it was time, we
came in the house, everyone shouted “surprise,” and my mother
almost fainted and sat with her hands shaking in the nearest
chair for a good 15 minutes before she could begin to enjoy her
party.
Of course, I don’t know exactly what physical shape your sister
is in, but it’s not a great idea to surprise someone with
compromised health issues. Either bring it up to the
organizers, or another trusted friend of your sister’s to put a
bug in her ear so the whole thing doesn’t go sideways.
#Post#: 26753--------------------------------------------------
Re: Divulging surprise party plans to the "victim" --
or not?
DIR By: wonderfullyanonymous
Date: February 24, 2019, 6:17 pm
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This sounds like it could go bad in so many ways. Surprise
parties are just not a good idea in my opinion. From what has
been told to us about sister there are many ways this could go
south. I think I would want to know myself, but I don't like
being the center of attention in the least little bit. If your
sister is emotionally fragile, 30 odd people yelling surprise,
could send her over an edge, or she will tire out faster, and
end up leaving as the party is getting started.
In my opinion, a surprise party just does not sound like a good
idea to me.
#Post#: 26758--------------------------------------------------
Re: Divulging surprise party plans to the "victim" --
or not?
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 24, 2019, 9:21 pm
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I married into a family that does TONS of surprise parties.
Every bridal shower or baby shower "has to" be a surprise,
apparently.
And usually the ruse is planned so that the "victim" will BE
well groomed, etc.
One bride thought she was coming to my baby shower, so of course
she dressed up.
And if they had a similar ruse, then surely your sister would
plan her activity levels to make that "special social event"
easier for her to take (from a tiredness standpoint).
So I think you can share THAT concern with them.
And share any other concerns as well that might affect the
enjoyment for all parties.
(like, it's not actually a requirement that everyone shout
"surprise!" at her, and startle her)
If she gets tired, she can leave early; and you can prepare
people for that. If they're not idiots, they'll be prepared as
well, and presumably they aren't such jerks that they'd be upset
if it happened.
The world won't end if she leaves early.
#Post#: 26759--------------------------------------------------
Re: Divulging surprise party plans to the "victim" --
or not?
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 24, 2019, 9:26 pm
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I just wanted to share the "backwards" surprise party my husband
threw for my 40th birthday.
I went to church on Sunday morning and came home to party
preparations well underway. My MIL and FIL had arrived to help.
"What's going on?" I asked.
Surprise--it's your birthday and there's a party! and that's
all he would say.
Then the doorbell rang--it was Friend A.
Surprise--he came from California!
A little later, the doorbell rang again--it was Friend B.
Surprise--she knew all about it and never mentioned anything
in church.
Then the doorbell rang again--it was Friends C1&C2, and Friend
D.
Surprise!
And so on. For 14 people.
The surprise was stretched out in little doses. It was SO VERY
MUCH FUN! And I got to actually focus on each person
individually as they arrived.
So, if you think the big surprise might be a shock, that's
something they could do.
#Post#: 26766--------------------------------------------------
Re: Divulging surprise party plans to the "victim" --
or not?
DIR By: lowspark
Date: February 25, 2019, 9:29 am
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--- Quote from: DaDancingPsych link ---
>
> Rather giving away the surprise, I would get in touch with the
host(s) and explain your concerns. Maybe they can adjust the
plans to ensure that sister is dressed, medicated, and rested
properly. There is even a chance that these friends have similar
concerns and may be developing the plan to ensure for them.
>
--- End Quote ---
This is exactly what I was going to say.
I do find it odd that the organizers expect you to attend but
did not get directly in touch with you about it. Even if you are
on Facebook, I would have thought that they would at least clear
the date with you since you are going to have to travel so far
to attend, and "'everybody' wants to know if [you] will attend."
Does no one in your sister's circle have your contact
information?
I would definitely contact the hosts to at minimum, confirm all
the details, and to also let them know your concerns. And then,
I'd step back. They are organizing the party so all that is
their responsibility. If they are close enough to throw this
party, I would assume that they know your sister well enough to
know all that. There's nothing wrong with letting them know your
thoughts but aside from that, there's not much more you can do.
Except, of course, attend the party and have a good time. And if
things do go awry, just do what you can to help without throwing
in any "I told you so"s.
#Post#: 26769--------------------------------------------------
Re: Divulging surprise party plans to the "victim" --
or not?
DIR By: Lilac
Date: February 25, 2019, 11:30 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Thanks, everyone, I appreciate the input.
No, no one in her circle has my contact info, that I know of. I
would like to get the numbers of her ex-husband's family members
with whom she is still close, and some neighbors, for when
things go south with her health -- but it's a difficult
conversation to broach and I haven't had the nerve to bring it
up yet. And she is cryptic and secretive by nature.
You're right, her friends know her well and all are very aware
of her situation. I think I am going to butt out. The woman
organizing the party is pretty emotionally fragile herself, she
is in recovery for substance abuse and having met her at various
dinner parties in the past, I know she has low self-esteem and
is prone to tears -- I think me expressing concerns would be
taken as criticism and probably derail her.
I don't know if it will be feasible for me to attend anyway, as
my pet is in dire health himself which has put a four-figure
dent in my budget in the last month -- plus my sister and I
actually have a trip planned shortly after the timing of the
birthday party -- pet sitter availability, finances, vacation
time from work, etc., may be prohibitive. I think I just need
to accept that it's a situation I cannot control and have
confidence in her friends to know what they are is doing.
It's just hard because if the situation were reversed, I would
100 percent want to be told; the surprise aspect would be
annoying and upsetting to me. She's more social and enjoys
attention more, though, so it probably will be OK.
#Post#: 26771--------------------------------------------------
Re: Divulging surprise party plans to the "victim" --
or not?
DIR By: lowspark
Date: February 25, 2019, 12:43 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> I just wanted to share the "backwards" surprise party my
husband threw for my 40th birthday.
>
> I went to church on Sunday morning and came home to party
preparations well underway. My MIL and FIL had arrived to help.
>
> "What's going on?" I asked.
> Surprise--it's your birthday and there's a party! and that's
all he would say.
>
> Then the doorbell rang--it was Friend A.
> Surprise--he came from California!
>
> A little later, the doorbell rang again--it was Friend B.
> Surprise--she knew all about it and never mentioned anything
in church.
>
> Then the doorbell rang again--it was Friends C1&C2, and Friend
D.
> Surprise!
>
> And so on. For 14 people.
>
> The surprise was stretched out in little doses. It was SO VERY
MUCH FUN! And I got to actually focus on each person
individually as they arrived.
>
> So, if you think the big surprise might be a shock, that's
something they could do.
>
--- End Quote ---
I went to a party like this not long ago. Guests just naturally
arrived a few at a time after the guest of honor. GOH knew, once
she arrived at the host's house, that there was going to be a
party but rather than all of us waiting and hiding and yelling
surprise, she got the thrill of greeting each guest or set of
guests separately as they arrived. She LOVED it. I thought it
was a much better way to do a surprise party.
I'm not much of a fan of surprise parties in general and would
absolutely not ever want one thrown for me. And I've made sure
that the people who might potentially host one for me know that.
Even the kind described above. But having experienced both the
normal kind and this more unusual one as a guest, I find this
way to be far superior for both the GOH and the guests. And
probably for the host as well!
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