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#Post#: 26764--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Jem Date: February 25, 2019, 7:52 am
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The villainization of SM is not going to be helpful. Bada wants
SM in her family’s life. Bada, I think you are just going to
have to accept that SM is uncomfortable with the way you are
nursing your son and either let this fact not bother you or
distance yourself from SM. You can only change yourself, not SM.
SM is not going to become more comfortable with your nursing
decisions, but I wouldn’t demonize her for that if you want SM
in your family’s life long term.
#Post#: 26768--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: wonderfullyanonymous Date: February 25, 2019, 10:14 am
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In your home, or in public, maybe using some solid phrases to
deal with SM, might come in handy.
"You know I am still BF, if you don't like it, you are free to
leave/sit somewhere else/not look, etc."
When in her home, if she starts in on you, then just leave. Put
hubby out the door first, and you follow. "SM, I have already
spoken to you about this, since you have started, we are
leaving."
#Post#: 26774--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Pattycake Date: February 25, 2019, 1:05 pm
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[quote]There is a person on Reddit with an ornery MIL who has
developed a super attitude in dealing with her. You might want
to google up "schnitzeldehuahua reddit" and read some of her
posts - they may be inspirational.[/quote]
Wow. Just wow! Well worth reading. Here's a link to her posts.
Start from the bottom, read the ones that are
r/raisedbynarcissists and r/justnomil.
HTML https://www.reddit.com/user/schnitzeldehuahua/posts/
#Post#: 26776--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: bopper Date: February 25, 2019, 1:39 pm
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Start as you mean to go on.
Don't let your stepmom tell you how to parent.
Don't compromise what you don't want to compromise.
Don't visit with people who make you stressed out.
I would back off and let them see the logical consequences of
their interference.
You don't want to be with people who are undermining your
parenting.
#Post#: 26789--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Contrarian Date: February 25, 2019, 5:07 pm
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[quote author=Bada link=topic=1004.msg26602#msg26602
date=1550792288]
[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1004.msg26579#msg26579
date=1550772199]
[snip]
One way of pushing back that I've learned is to offer less to
the person demanding more: 'oh, perhaps you should delay your
next visit until <child> is weaned; we wouldn't want to upset
you' - that puts consideration for her feelings over "my house,
my rules", but has the same result: not being criticised in your
own home for your family's parenting decisions.
Good luck and best wishes, whatever you decide.
[/quote]
I've been tempted to delay their visit. Work is so busy and
their visits are already tiring as it is. Dreading this issue
coming up is only making it worse. I think I am going to invite
them, but if it becomes a big thing, the next invite won't be
very soon. As it is we only see my parents a few times a year,
so I'll just delay and delay as necessary. I'm also only going
to let them stay for a short visit and only for the same days as
each other (usually SM stays longer than my dad).
[quote author=Jem link=topic=1004.msg26583#msg26583
date=1550773550]
[snip] Since you came here for advice, that is the advice I
have to give: It is not that you OWE the SM anything. It is that
if you are looking for ways to improve the situation, talking to
your SM is a better approach than hoping this issue will resolve
itself. I really think it will get worse as your son gets older.
Again, to be clear: I gave my advice on the basis of your
assertion that you want your father and SM to be active in your
son's life.
[snip]
[/quote]
SM has given no indication she will listen to me respectfully,
in fact, quite the opposite. I'm not going to open myself to
her rants. I do want a relationship, but not at the expense of
being shamed. Since I'm planning to cut my Son off long before
he's 10 ("Will the OP continue to breastfeed her son (in public
or otherwise) until he is 3? 5? 7? 10? (Robin and Lysa
Arryn!?!)"), this isn't going to be a super long term problem,
even worst case scenario.
She has a history of these blowups and then pretending they
never happened. I'm hoping that she'll stay that course and, as
long as I refuse to engage in a discussion, she'll stay silent
about the issue. But I'm not going to let her yell at me.
[quote author=Contrarian link=topic=1004.msg26601#msg26601
date=1550789203]
Wow! What a convoluted conversation! There’s god and
breastfeeding beyond a certain age and dealing with the folks!
So your SM has a direct line to god does she? Well, isn’t she
special? God wanted her to discuss your breastfeeding with you,
but apparently the big guy speaking to you directly is out of
the question?
[snip]
But I can make a suggestion. Only a suggestion. The child
refusing to eat food they are not regularly fed at home, that
can be bothersome. Try to change up the menu at home a bit, make
it healthy, but diverse. And if they won’t eat what’s put before
them, they’ll have to wait for the next meal. They will gain
back that two pounds and learn that even if they don’t like the
food, if they stomach a portion of it, (was there no bread
anywhere? Bread is filling and universal) they’re going to be
hungry. That’s a ligitmate choice to make. Children’s
personalities surface sooner than you think. You may have a
light eater on your hands.
I agree the feeding seems to be more about comfort than food and
that’s something most kids start to learn around this age, their
comfort methods aren’t always going to be a available.
[/quote]
Glad to provide a complicated issue for discussion, lol.
Yes, it's funny that God didn't give me the message directly.
And in regard to NFPWife's comments as well: My SM is not
Catholic, so some of this probably comes across to her
differently than it does to me. The Pope giving me "permission"
to do something doesn't have as much weight for her as it does
for me. Shrug.
As for eating on vacation: Kid's menus have a lot of chicken
fingers, pizza, and grilled cheese. There's only so much of
those greasy things Son would eat. And there's only so much
food he was willing to eat off of my plate. I don't think he
was just being picky, I think traveling was really stressful on
him and he would have been happier having things he was used to
eating (which are healthier/different than a lot of restaurant
options--though he'd live off plain cheese if we let him, but
you can't exactly order that at a restaurant!).
[/quote]
Hey Bada,
I’m not good with the quoting but, your explanation of why your
son was having trouble with food and travel so matches my
current trouble of caring for someone terminally ill on the
other side of town, working full time and dealing with my own
home, which means I eat out a lot or don’t eat, and have so many
stomach responses to the types restaurants I have in the areas
(pubs deep fried everything!) ...point being, I totally get it!
#Post#: 26807--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: NFPwife Date: February 25, 2019, 8:10 pm
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[quote author=Contrarian link=topic=1004.msg26789#msg26789
date=1551136075]
Hey Bada,
I’m not good with the quoting but, your explanation of why your
son was having trouble with food and travel so matches my
current trouble of caring for someone terminally ill on the
other side of town, working full time and dealing with my own
home, which means I eat out a lot or don’t eat, and have so many
stomach responses to the types restaurants I have in the areas
(pubs deep fried everything!) ...point being, I totally get it!
[/quote]
Agree, I get the same way when I'm traveling and don't have
control over the restaurant choices. (Lots of meetings, catered
events, etc.)
#Post#: 26953--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Contrarian Date: February 28, 2019, 11:30 am
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Bada,
There was a discussion on some board, I don’t know if it was
this one or one where people here would frequent, it doesn’t
matter.
And I’m probably remembering incorrectly, but it went something
like this:
I was driving my car, while texting and I got a ticket. Please
don’t lecture me about driving my car and texting. I just want
to know (and I’ve completely forgotten what the actual question
was) how to tell my husband about it or if I can get away with
not telling him.
Of course, most people responded by lecturing the poster on
texting and driving. And members of the board argued that they
should and will be able to post their opinions about anything
raised in the OP.
I have started threads that were completely innocent, for
example (not an actual post)
“I have a friend who likes to use cloth napkins when she has me
and others over for dinner. But the others think her cloth
napkins are her being uppity and pretentious. Why do people
focus on theses things? Why would one feel a cloth vs a paper
napkin a personal insult? They actually see this object as a
symbol that they aren’t as good as the hostess. While the
hostess is a nice, easy going, pleasant and empathetic woman.
What do you say to someone who, without evidence, assumes a
woman is asserting social status with her napkin?”
And then there will be a slew of replies that are an on going
argument of what is more environmentally friendly, the cloth or
the paper? Cloth napkins can be washed and reused. Sure but then
you’re using more water to wash them. No because you put them in
the laundry with other things. But paper is biodegradable. How
much water goes in to the making of a paper product and so on.
I’ve also been completely trashed on some sites. There are times
when I, who also visits for light entertainment, have completely
over reacted in an emotional state to something, and upon review
will say, I’ve thought about it, I wasn’t making sense, and this
is why I agree with you.” Then I get trashed for “backtracking”
But most of the time, it’s an easy going, friendly place. We all
get a bit over the top sometimes. You brought up a subject
people are passionate about, and you feel you got slammed. I’m
sorry about that, I get it. I skimmed over a lot of the BF
stuff because I also BF one of my children until they were two.
Not during the day, but to each their own.
I didn’t need to hear others opinions about that and I actually
do understand those that are uncomfortable about it. It never
made me change my mind but I understood it then and I do now.
The one child I BF until 2 is strong, healthy, no allergies,
good immune system. My son who didn’t get that was allergic to
almost everything, always sick and I lost him when he was a
teen. I always think I should have tried harder to get him to
feed, but there was a whole lot of issues at the time.
Point being, you got a lot of slack, but you also got some
support. That’s parenting for you. No matter what you do you’re
doing it wrong. And you’ll hear more criticizism than you will
praise. Don’t waste you’re time worrying about that, you weigh
your options and make your decisions. Well done for sticking to
your choices.
I know, I go on quite a bit, sorry about that. I just want to
say, don’t stop posting. Give it a go, and if it goes off track,
just say, “thanks for all the replies, I’ve got what I need”.
And just don’t visit that thread anymore. The argument will
continue until it’s done, you don’t need to be there for it.
Like many things in life, we can’t control these threads.
But we can teach ourselves not to let them have too much of an
inpact. I hope you come back.
#Post#: 26971--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Bada Date: February 28, 2019, 4:37 pm
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[quote author=Contrarian link=topic=1004.msg26953#msg26953
date=1551375039]
[snip]
I know, I go on quite a bit, sorry about that. I just want to
say, don’t stop posting. Give it a go, and if it goes off track,
just say, “thanks for all the replies, I’ve got what I need”.
And just don’t visit that thread anymore. The argument will
continue until it’s done, you don’t need to be there for it.
Like many things in life, we can’t control these threads.
But we can teach ourselves not to let them have too much of an
inpact. I hope you come back.
[/quote]
Thank you Contrarian, I really appreciate your kind words. And
I'm sorry about the loss of your child.
I have been around here, just lurking only; besides being
gun-shy of posting I've also been swamped with work. I was
wondering if I should post an update or not, since some stuff
just transpired, so I guess I will since I'm here.
I invited Dad and SM to visit. SM did not ask to stay longer,
like she used to (and I used to agree to) before the blow up, so
I didn't have to use the lines I was practicing to shut that
down. So she clearly knows things are still not OK between us
even though she acts like it is.
I decided I would do a make up Mommy and Me class and just not
even bring up the fact that we usually go to a class Saturday
mornings; I figured my parents may not even pay close enough
attention to our schedule to notice I had skipped the class. I
also decided I wouldn't raise the issue of church until I *HAD*
to. Since it didn't directly come up, I didn't say anything
about it.
After picking the dates to visit, my parents then decided to
postpone their trip for Their Own Reasons for another 2 months.
So I'm off the hook. Now when I look around my house I don't
see the 7,000 little things I need to do before they come out of
fear I'll otherwise be criticized by SM, which is a relief. And
since that next visit will be so late, I can probably quash any
attempts for them to visit us again until we go to Hometown in
the Fall. In short, we'll have less time spent together,
without me having to explicitly say that's my goal. I'm
satisfied with the results thus far.
#Post#: 26974--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: TootsNYC Date: February 28, 2019, 5:53 pm
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[quote]I invited Dad and SM to visit. SM did not ask to stay
longer, like she used to (and I used to agree to) before the
blow up, so I didn't have to use the lines I was practicing to
shut that down. So she clearly knows things are still not OK
between us even though she acts like it is.[/quote]
This made me think of one of the koans from the Way of Mrs.
Cosmopolite:
"It won't get better if you pick at it."
Hopefully this can just be left to rest, and you two will
recover from it.
I'm glad you're getting a break.
#Post#: 29567--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly UPD
ATE: #89
By: Bada Date: April 19, 2019, 5:41 pm
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OP here. The visit we planned is coming up soon. I decided to
just skip the Saturday class and not even acknowledge that it's
happening, figuring no one would remember our schedules anyway,
so there's no issue there. Their visit is so short that doing
the Saturday class would keep us from really having time to go
do anything fun, so it's much better this way.
My parents' flight leaves early Sunday afternoon, so I said we'd
drop them at the airport before Husband and I go to church on
Sunday. I had the following conversation with my Step Mom
(obviously I've forgotten the exact phrasing, but it went
something along these lines...)
SM: "When is church? Can't we come with you?"
Me: "It's at [time which would work with their flight]. But I
nurse Son during the homily to keep him quiet, and I know you're
uncomfortable with me nursing while you're around, so I figured
we'd just drop you off before church."
SM: [scoffing] "Well we'd be happy to go worship with you" (her
words exactly on this point, that's how she talks all the time)
"I only had a problem with it before because I was concerned for
my guests." (aka my grandma, a couple of my aunts and uncles and
cousins who were coming over for the holiday meal on the day she
began this whole mess). "I know the people at your church know
what you're doing and they're okay with it, so of course it
won't be a problem for us."
I was so mad when I got off the phone that I said the word crap
and my toddler told me "please don't say bad words." LOL.
(Funny enough, it's the only bad word he knows, so I can say the
others with impunity. I should have picked something stronger.)
As far as my husband and I can figure it out, she realized she
was way off base and she's trying really hard to backpedal
without admitting she was way off base in her initial angry rant
to me.
So, fingers crossed for a peaceful visit in a few weeks while I
just do pretty much exactly what I would have done if she'd
never made this a huge issue in the first place. *Facepalm.*
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