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#Post#: 26724--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: wonderfullyanonymous Date: February 24, 2019, 8:39 am
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In the manner of BF, if you don't want to see a mother BF her
child, then quit freaking looking! It's her own business how
long she BFs, and only her business. I'd rather see a 2 y/o old
BF and being quiet, than running rampant, screaming, with no
discipline what so ever. By OP controlling 2 y/o's actions like
that, she is teaching him how to behave in public.
#Post#: 26734--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: MinMom3 Date: February 24, 2019, 12:35 pm
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Maybe you could tell Dad and SM directly and very bluntly that
they are welcome to visit ONLY if they promise to never, ever,
for any reason, mention breastfeeding. Say it to both at the
same time. No praising of breastfeeding, no shaming of
breastfeeding, no discussing of breastfeeding. At all. Ever.
If they cannot promise to bite their tongues they need not feel
they should visit at this time.
#Post#: 26738--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Dazi Date: February 24, 2019, 1:37 pm
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I've been reading this with interest. Out of curiosity I looked
up BFing recommendations...this came straight off the CDC's web
page and references WHO's BFing guidelines as well.
HTML https://www.cdc.gov/breastfeeding/faq/index.htm#how-long
How Long Should a Mother Breastfeed?
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that infants be
exclusively breastfed for about the first 6 months with
continued breastfeeding along with introducing appropriate
complementary foods for 1 year or longer. WHO also recommends
exclusive breastfeeding up to 6 months of age with continued
breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to 2
years of age or longer.
Mothers should be encouraged to breastfeed their children for at
least 1 year. The longer an infant is breastfed, the greater the
protection from certain illnesses and long-term diseases. The
more months or years a woman breastfeeds (combined breastfeeding
of all her children), the greater the benefits to her health as
well.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends children be
introduced to foods other than breast milk or infant formula
when they are about 6 months old. To learn more about infant and
toddler feeding, visit CDC’s Infant and Toddler Nutrition
website.
So, as far as I can tell, there is no issue with the age of the
child, regardless of what some people may think. Many women
choose not to BF that long, but that is their business. As long
as the child is eating age appropriate foods in addition to
being BF, there is no issue. SM may not like, but as she is not
the one BFing, so she doesn't get an opinion on the child being
appropriately fed.
#Post#: 26747--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Bada Date: February 24, 2019, 4:28 pm
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I'm sorry for trying to make a joke yesterday that, re-reading
today, came off as more hostile than I intended. Thank you Lady
B for stopping it before anything escalated.
The thing is, I'm exhausted and I hope that comes through in
this post. I'm not angry, I'm just tired; please read this post
with an exhausted tone of voice and not a lecturing or holier
than thou tone. Life generally is exhausting right now, plus I'm
trying to plan a visit with my step mom--a person who wants so
desperately to be able to “fix” things on her visits that she
searches for things to criticize when she comes (she literally
made me buy new guest towels because the ones I'd set out for
them weren't nice enough; 2 years later I'm using the same (old)
towels for myself still and they're still in great condition).
Every time we talk on the phone she says how much she misses us
and can’t wait to visit. Obviously I’m not equally thrilled at
the idea, but I’m going to try to make it happen. If it
explodes, the next visit may not be for many months.
I know that people will disagree with my parenting choices both
here and IRL. There are strong opinions on pretty much every
parenting issue and it’s literally not possible to please
everyone. Do I vaccinate? Do I co-sleep? Do I use corporal
punishment? Do I give my kid an iPhone? Do I home school? And
maybe breastfeeding has additional dimensions because of modesty
concerns, but I really think it's just another in a long line of
parenting decisions I'm going to be making over the years that
some people are going to disagree with.
I wrote my post BECAUSE I understand that my SM is uncomfortable
with a particular parenting choice I have made. The question in
my OP was “Knowing that she's uncomfortable, how should I
approach her visit? Should I reschedule an event, go without
her, or invite her but give her a warning?”
There are a lot of posters who have come on here to say “Of
course she's uncomfortable and it's reasonable for her to be
because you shouldn’t nurse a toddler in public/shouldn’t nurse
a child of any age in church/etc.” I have made my parenting
decisions based on a number of well thought out reasons and I
firmly believe that I’m doing the best I can to raise my son.
As naive as it sounds, I really and truly thought that people
who disagreed about the idea of breastfeeding in public and who
couldn’t offer advice on the ultimate issue (what to say to SM)
as a result of that disagreement would simply skip the post.
It’s been tough to log onto this thread (on a forum I use as a
fun diversion) to see people constantly criticizing my parenting
choices. Because it was never spun off into a separate thread,
it does feel like criticism of me personally rather than a more
global discussion of whether a person should ever nurse in
public and what the “acceptable” parameters of it would be.
Folks: I know some of you disagree with my choice(s), I came
into that with that knowledge already. But telling me you
disagree doesn’t help me figure out what to do about my SM,
another person who disagrees.
I hope that people who disapprove of me nursing who see me or
others nursing will avert their eyes or reposition their chairs,
just as they would do if I was picking my nose and eating it
publicly or chewing with my mouth open. The thing is, because SM
is in my party, it's harder for her to just turn away. And I
don’t want to risk her lecturing me again if she’s still in that
mood. So I asked this group what they would do if they were in
my shoes that would help me respect her position without
changing mine (or putting her in a situation where she'd see
other breastfeeding mothers that she might make uncomfortable or
that she might be made uncomfortable by).
In the future if I ever started another post (not too likely at
this point; once burned twice shy), I'd be a lot more vague
about the details. Because this really was meant to be a
question about “Something I do and am unwilling to change makes
SM uncomfortable, how would you approach her upcoming visit”
rather than about breastfeeding per se. The thing is, by giving
details I got some helpful advice I wouldn't have otherwise
gotten (like, the point of a mom's group is to be supportive,
you probably shouldn't invite SM if she's not supportive). I’m
grateful for the advice I did get regarding how you all would
handle a visit (or, perhaps, not allow a visit at this time)
from a person who did not agree with some of your parenting
decisions when you wanted to keep the relationship but not
change your parenting style.
#Post#: 26751--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: AnnaT Date: February 24, 2019, 5:11 pm
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Hi Bada
I've been reading this thread with interest and observing the
various reactions to it.
I'm not going to share my opinions on breastfeeding because I
don't think its relevant (and I've never had children).
For your SM, I would invite her, invite her to whatever you are
doing (eg, Mums & Bubs or Church) but say something like "there
will be breastfeeding, if you're uncomfortable, I understand if
you want to stay home/sit somewhere else, but I will not listen
to you criticise my parenting choices". Then stick to your guns
- it may be a tense weekend for you but proceed as you mean to
continue. If you walk out on her you may need to apologise (to
your church or Mums & Bubs) but you'll both know where you stand
after the weekend. I think its fair to give one final chance
but then lock the door until after you have finished
breastfeeding if it does not go the way you want.
She may disagree with what you're doing but it is definitely not
her place to say (unless you were putting yourself or your child
in danger) anything about your parenting choices. So long as
you have happy and healthy kids, that's all that matters.
#Post#: 26752--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Sycorax Date: February 24, 2019, 5:50 pm
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[quote author=Bada link=topic=1004.msg26747#msg26747
date=1551047281]
In the future if I ever started another post (not too likely at
this point; once burned twice shy), I'd be a lot more vague
about the details. Because this really was meant to be a
question about “Something I do and am unwilling to change makes
SM uncomfortable, how would you approach her upcoming visit”
rather than about breastfeeding per se. The thing is, by giving
details I got some helpful advice I wouldn't have otherwise
gotten (like, the point of a mom's group is to be supportive,
you probably shouldn't invite SM if she's not supportive). I’m
grateful for the advice I did get regarding how you all would
handle a visit (or, perhaps, not allow a visit at this time)
from a person who did not agree with some of your parenting
decisions when you wanted to keep the relationship but not
change your parenting style.
[/quote]
The trouble is more that your SM seems to be getting overly
upset about the issue (more than just not agreeing with your
choices) - which is probably not going to be solved by
addressing it nicely. There aren't going to be any magic words
that will make her attitude/actions less problematic. You need
to decide what you're willing to deal with.
#Post#: 26754--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Jem Date: February 24, 2019, 7:11 pm
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[quote author=Pandorica link=topic=1004.msg26752#msg26752
date=1551052222]
[quote author=Bada link=topic=1004.msg26747#msg26747
date=1551047281]
In the future if I ever started another post (not too likely at
this point; once burned twice shy), I'd be a lot more vague
about the details. Because this really was meant to be a
question about “Something I do and am unwilling to change makes
SM uncomfortable, how would you approach her upcoming visit”
rather than about breastfeeding per se. The thing is, by giving
details I got some helpful advice I wouldn't have otherwise
gotten (like, the point of a mom's group is to be supportive,
you probably shouldn't invite SM if she's not supportive). I’m
grateful for the advice I did get regarding how you all would
handle a visit (or, perhaps, not allow a visit at this time)
from a person who did not agree with some of your parenting
decisions when you wanted to keep the relationship but not
change your parenting style.
[/quote]
The trouble is more that your SM seems to be getting overly
upset about the issue (more than just not agreeing with your
choices) - which is probably not going to be solved by
addressing it nicely. There aren't going to be any magic words
that will make her attitude/actions less problematic. You need
to decide what you're willing to deal with.
[/quote]
Exactly. Bada, you can’t change your SM. If YOU are not going to
change (and I am not saying you should), you are going to have
to accept a strained relationship with your father and SM.
#Post#: 26756--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: doodlemor Date: February 24, 2019, 7:58 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I don't think that SM's issue is necessarily with breastfeeding
at all. She has latched on to this issue [pun intended] as a
way to irritate you, Bada. She has a mean streak, and if she
didn't have the breastfeeding thing to concern herself with she
would find something else - like the towel incident. I bet that
if you think carefully you will remember other annoying digs,
too.
This person wants to criticize you and hurt your feelings, Bada.
You mentioned this and the towel episode, and in both incidents
she was breathtakingly rude to you. I think that you should
look at the current annoyance as part of a bigger problem.
I do think that getting yourself some books about dealing with
narcissists would be helpful in dealing with SM. Not to say
that SM is a narcissist, but the skills needed to deal with such
people would probably work on SM, too. It would also help if
you didn't care so much about her nastiness, OP, but developing
a detached attitude is not easy.
There is a person on Reddit with an ornery MIL who has developed
a super attitude in dealing with her. You might want to google
up "schnitzeldehuahua reddit" and read some of her posts - they
may be inspirational.
As far as the breastfeeding thing goes, refuse to engage with
SM. Don't JADE [Justify - Argue - Defend - Explain] because
your parenting decisions are none of her business. Discussing
anything of this nature at all validates that she has a right to
"be the boss of you." Make sure that you aren't alone with her
anywhere, and that you have a exit plan if she decides to
verbally attack you again.
If she brings it up again tell her quietly that your parenting
decisions are none of her concern, and that you don't want to
discuss it. Practice saying "I will not discuss this with you"
with a small, polite smile on your face.
#Post#: 26762--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Aleko Date: February 25, 2019, 2:03 am
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[quote]This person wants to criticize you and hurt your
feelings, Bada.[/quote]
I absolutely, profoundly disagree. Everything Bada has said
about her SM suggests instead that she feels an overriding need
and duty to Show Her Stepdaughter The Right Path, not only in
major issues like childrearing but quite minor household issues
like guest towels and souvenirs. (Who knows why? Maybe she's
compensating for being a step- rather than a birth-mother, or
maybe she'd be just the same to Bada if they were mother and
daughter. It doesn't really matter.) And people with that
conviction 'know' that this duty overrides all considerations of
courtesy and tact.
And that's where I think the 'God laid it on me to tell you'
thing comes from. Like many people here, my first reaction was
outrage that anyone could say such a thing, but I've been
reconsidering. One side of my family are Quakers, and Quakers as
I'm sure you all know are required to listen to God in their own
hearts, and act accordingly. If an issue keeps coming up in your
heart, and after rigorous self-examination you are convinced
that it's real and not just vanity, foolishness or a desire to
interfere, this is called Having a Concern and you are obliged
to act on it. (One of my distant cousins, who worked to help
refugees from Nazi Germany in the 30s, was so appalled by what
she learned from them about the Nazi regime that she got a
Concern that someone should go to Mr Hitler in Berlin and tell
him this was all perfectly dreadful and he ought to stop it. So
she did.) if Bada's SM were a Quaker, I would certainly hope
that self-examination would tell her 'I'm just being an
interfering, controlling cow and should shut up about it and
work instead to overcome these faults in myself' :D: but if it
didn't, she would probably start her criticism with 'Bada dear,
I have a Concern about XYZ'. That sounds a lot humbler and less
self-righteous than 'God laid it on me...', but it's basically
the Quaker way of saying the same thing. I suspect that 'God
laid it etc' is simply the language that was normal in SM's own
religious upbringing, and it may actually be unfair of us to
treat it as outrageous.
#Post#: 26763--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Kimberami Date: February 25, 2019, 6:02 am
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To me the "God laid it on my heart" part is the worst of it.
Said in that way, it wasn't a personal bit of disapproval. Not
only does SM find you in the wrong, but "God is disapproving
with your decisions." I'm not comfortable with that. I don't
like religion being used to cause guilt over a certain behavior.
It gives the complainer a bit of undeserved moral authority.
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