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#Post#: 26378--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Irked Purist Date: February 19, 2019, 2:42 pm
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'Ick' is also extremely subjective and thus can't realistically
be used as the basis of rights.
#Post#: 26381--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Bada Date: February 19, 2019, 3:20 pm
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1004.msg26342#msg26342
date=1550594950]
[quote author=Bada link=topic=1004.msg26272#msg26272
date=1550533732]
…
I could go as usual on Saturday and invite them with a warning
that I, and others, will be exposing our breasts in public (as
is permitted BY FREAKING LAW and encouraged by the instructor)
and let them choose whether to join us
[/quote]
This is the portion of the OP I wanted to quote but could not
from my phone. The phrasing I used was the phrasing the OP used
in the above quote from the OP, which is why I thought it
important to address. If the OP is, in fact "exposing her
breasts in public" while nursing, there are techniques she could
employ to avoid this.
The OP said: HOWEVER, I wrote this post because I am trying to
respect her position that she is uncomfortable and so I'm going
to give her opportunities to opt out of events, I'm just not
sure what the best option is.
My posts were providing ideas for how to continue to nurse in
public while respecting how the SM feels about it.
[/quote]
The full quote was: "I could go as usual on Saturday and invite
them with a warning that I, and others, will be exposing our
breasts in public (as is permitted BY FREAKING LAW and
encouraged by the instructor) and let them choose whether to
join us." It was in the context of going to a Mommy and Me
class where nursing is common. I meant it as hyperbole, and
maybe I should have noted it as sarcasm/hyperbole as I did
above. I thought the grumpy parenthetical would give my real
opinion away, but I guess not.
Wearing a cover myself doesn't help the fact that other moms
also nurse during this class, though.
#Post#: 26385--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Jem Date: February 19, 2019, 3:41 pm
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[quote author=Bada link=topic=1004.msg26332#msg26332
date=1550593279]
[quote author=Jem link=topic=1004.msg26293#msg26293
date=1550543273]
Stated another way, the OP can and should do what she wants. But
she cannot also expect everyone (or anyone) to not have opinions
on what she does. If it is more important for her to expose her
breasts while nursing in public, then own it! If it is important
to not embarrass her SM in public while nursing her son,
consider a drape.
[/quote]
I understand that people will "have opinions." However, SM's
attempt to shame me like a misbehaving puppy dog because God
told her to was just wrong on so many levels.
The way you have phrased your post makes it sound like I'm an
exhibitionist, putting myself on display intentionally! Yikes!
I'm just taking care of my son.
Son is not going to be willing willing to sit under a blanket
while he nurses and I don't think he should have to, even if it
makes SM uncomfortable. HOWEVER, I wrote this post because I am
trying to respect her position that she is uncomfortable and so
I'm going to give her opportunities to opt out of events, I'm
just not sure what the best option is. My personal preference at
the moment is to tell her "You're not invited to X, because I
will be nursing" and to flounce out of the room. That's neither
kind nor polite (nor good for our future relationship), so I've
reached out here to see what others would do.
There's other stuff I was going to say on some other posts, but
I'm out of time for now. :)
[/quote]
Just to clarify further and address the green bolded above - I
used that phrasing because the OP herself did. So if that sounds
like the OP is an exhibitionist to the OP, well, that is the
phrase she herself used!
Anyway, my answer to the question remains the same: I think the
OP can both nurse in public and at least attempt to be sensitive
to her SM's concerns by wearing a drape. If she chooses not to,
that is her right, but she cannot expect that her SM will change
her mind, especially as her son gets older.
#Post#: 26386--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: LurkingGurl Date: February 19, 2019, 3:49 pm
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I'm sorry, but I see Step Mom's point.
By the age of a two, a child should be becoming a participant in
society. Before, as an infant, he/she is essentially an
extension of his/her parent and nursing is necessary for
nutrition. But, by two, he has a bit of agency himself, and is
hopefully eating solid food. And so, this intimate act becomes
about comfort, not nutrition and practicality.
It's not sexual. Intimacy doesn't mean sexual.
I think it's similar to PDA. When you go out with friends and
two of them are making out at the table, and possibly running
their hands over each other. It's that feeling that makes you
want to say "get a room!"
That is what I think your step mom is feeling.
You keep citing the law. This is about the law or what you have
the right to do. It's about finding a common ground with your
parents where you can all be comfortable around each other.
I don't know why you would want to invite her to a mommy and me
class. And as far as going to mass, just sit in different
places in the church.
#Post#: 26387--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Bada Date: February 19, 2019, 3:53 pm
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[quote author=katiekat2009 link=topic=1004.msg26344#msg26344
date=1550596411]
"Son is not going to be willing willing to sit under a blanket
while he nurses and I don't think he should have to"
You're giving an awful lot of power to your son. Why not be the
mom and decide when he will nurse and even that it may be time
to stop? Personally, I would be icked out at someone in church
exposing their breast during the service. The proper thing to do
is take him out of the service but I feel you WANT to make a
statement. Indeed, I find most breast-feeding moms to be
"rebels" - they are going to do it whether anyone likes it or
not. I'm sure you wouldn't deliberately embarrass your SM in
other areas, so why this? Because she needs to be educated?
Because you are right? Maybe just examine your motives here. You
are trying to force your own ideals on a society that is not
ready for it. You have a right to breast-feed. I have a right to
an "ick free" (distracting) church service.
[/quote]
I'm not even sure where to start on this one...There are a lot
of assumptions in what you have written... I do decide when
he'll nurse. All the times that he currently nurses are OK with
me. I'm not looking to wean him. Nursing him during Mass is
one of the best ways to keep him quiet, and loud talking from a
toddler who doesn't quite understand whispering is going to be
more distracting to people further away who literally can't even
see us from their pew.
Also, you've clearly never thrown a blanket over the head of a 2
year old and told him to sit quietly. If I threw a blanket over
*your* head and told you to sit quietly, I'm pretty sure you
wouldn't be a fan either. He's just as human as the rest of us
and has opinions. That doesn't mean he's in control. Maybe if
I'd been nursing him like that since he was an infant he'd be OK
with that, but that's not how I prefer to do it. Again, I don't
think he should have to hide under a hot blanket; that's my
decision as a mom, not just his decision as the child.
As others have said, most people at church aren't paying
attention to the person in the pew in front of them. I was
nursing recently and had someone come up to give me the
handshake of peace very insistently. When I tried to politely
ignore him, he came right up to where I was sitting and nursing
and basically made me shake his hand. If figure the nursing
couldn't have been that obvious if he didn't understand why I
wasn't interested in standing to shake his hand, lol. When Son
was littler, my brother was sitting in the row behind us and,
being the shutterbug that he is, he took several pictures of Son
nursing. To this day, he doesn't know that's what he was taking
pictures of, but I do because I know the only time Son was at
that angle was when he was nursing. And obviously this isn't an
issue for the people in front. It is a potential issue for
people sitting close by in our row, but about 75% of the time
there isn't anyone close by in our pew. But when my parents
visit, they would presumably be in that position, so I can't
just act like SM won't notice and therefore not raise the issue
with her ahead of time.
I'm sorry that you find nursing to be icky, or that you and
others like SandieSadie think I should go hide myself somewhere
while I do it. I actually did remove myself from church for the
first week or two when I had Son. I went to the back of the
attached hall to nurse. I ended up being even more exposed
there than sitting in my pew, actually. And because Son will
nurse more than once during Mass, I would be walking back and
forth constantly from the Hall to the pew, which would not be
fun for me. I'm not going to nurse while sitting on a toilet.
That's gross. Would I take my pants off so they're not directly
on the seat other people's butts are on? Would I juggle the baby
so I could put my pants down like people normally do on the
toilet and then nurse and juggle the baby while I pull my pants
up? I really have no idea. I could go to the car, but in the
circumstances I described with SM, it was 20 degrees Fahrenheit
outside. And then what if someone walks by the car and looks in
my window? Do I have to cover all the windows and the windshield
just in case?
After that first time or two of leaving to try to be more
"discreet", though, I saw that Pope Francis had recently made
several statements encouraging mothers to nurse during Mass.
I've also done some reading about "Madonna Lactens" (the nursing
Madonna (Virgin Mary)). Catholic churches frequently used to
have images and statues of the Virgin Mary nursing the infant
Jesus as a way of reminding people that Jesus is fully human.
In light of that, I don't think there's a need for me to go
nurse in secret.
It doesn't really matter to me what "society is ready for" on
this front. It is literally against the law in most states to
prohibit women from nursing in public (in any place where the
child is already allowed to be). I'm sure there's more I could
say about this and about the accusation that I'm just nursing to
embarrass SM, but I'm going to stop here.
(Oh, but I do want to thank the commenters who, politely,
pointed out that maybe SM is just uncomfortable because Son is
older. I think it has more to do with the fact that at the
first restaurant our server was female and at the second the
server was male. But, if it's just an age thing, then maybe
that explains some of her weirdness over "You can't nurse at all
in front of anyone who isn't your husband" and then backtracking
to "Well, it would be OK if you nursed in front of your dad and
me when you're in your house, we don't mind." Maybe she herself
hasn't put her finger on why she's unhappy and can't figure out
where to draw the line.)
I hadn't realized I was opening such a thorny issue for this
thread by asking for advice. I know there are some who disagree
with the underlying premise of this post, but I kinda figured
people would just pass it up if they fundamentally disagreed and
didn't want to offer advice on how to broach the issue with my
SM. There's no need to respond to a post if you disagree with
the basic premise of a post and you're just going to do what SM
did and tell me I should be ashamed of myself. Maybe you guys
can start a spin off thread and discuss the pros and cons of
public breastfeeding there instead? I'm interested in hearing
more opinions on this thread from people about whether they'd
tell SM why I was going to the Class without her, or if they'd
just reschedule the class and not mention it, etc, as I asked in
the original post.
#Post#: 26389--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Kimberami Date: February 19, 2019, 4:11 pm
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"God touched my heart to tell you that He will give all future
instructions directly to me." SM's opinion is worth exactly
what you paid for it...nothing. I wouldn't worry about giving
her any advanced notice. You and your DS should just go with the
flow.
My opinion is worth exactly as much as your SM's is, but I would
greatly prefer that your son be happy (and quiet) rather than
unhappy (and not quiet) during a service :D.
#Post#: 26394--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: LadyRexall Date: February 19, 2019, 7:55 pm
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There are some things that are just hot topics. Public
Breastfeeding in general, breastfeeding over a certain age,
vaccines, Donald trump (Justin Trudeau if you’re Canadian).
People usually have a pretty fierce opinion on hot topics and no
amount of explaining, cajoling or pleading will get them to
divert from their way of thinking. You and sm just aren’t going
to get on the same page on this topic. I wouldn’t think that she
is CD worthy at all, but I wouldn’t change your behaviour around
her either. You’re going to have to agree to disagree since you
aren’t a petulant child, but a full grown adult/mom. Maybe put
it that way to her: agree to respectfully disagree, emphasis on
respectfully!!!!!!!
#Post#: 26400--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: TootsNYC Date: February 19, 2019, 8:17 pm
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[quote author=Hanna link=topic=1004.msg26282#msg26282
date=1550538064]
I did not know guests ever attended Mommy and Me classes. I
would not invite them to that.
I don’t have a solution for church other than to just tell them
you will nurse your child as needed and they are welcome to
attend a different service if that is uncomfortable for them.
[/quote]
I'm w/ Hanna. I wouldn't take StepMom to the Mommy and Me
classes. She doesn't need to know what happens there.
And I agree about church.
#Post#: 26404--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Hanna Date: February 19, 2019, 8:52 pm
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My relationship with someone determines how willing and
interested I am with hearing them out and sharing my decision
making process with them. However someone telling me basically
that God is in their corner on a topic related to my life would
drastically reduce the chances of me having much discussion
about the topic at all.
I wouldn’t say anything about the class except, “we have a Mommy
and Me class from 1-2pm so we will see you after that.”
Regarding church, I would mention prior, “I will be nursing
during mass. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable and I
understand if you want to sit elsewhere.” Or something similar,
as nice as I could muster.
I also believe, as mentioned up thread, your Step Mom’s issue
may be related to your son’s age.
.
#Post#: 26427--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: bopper Date: February 20, 2019, 7:38 am
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Oh I would just stop seeing them for a bit.
or "Dad, like every mammal, I breastfeed my baby. You all can
either avoid us for the next year or accept and not comment.
Please let me know your choice."
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