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#Post#: 26272--------------------------------------------------
When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Bada Date: February 18, 2019, 5:48 pm
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We visited my dad and step mom (SM) (who I'm usually rather
close to, but I use the term to distinguish from the story of my
"bought the wrong souvenirs" mother story) a few months ago. My
son was not quite 2. He nurses to sleep at nap- and bedtime.
But flying disrupted his schedule and he was clingy and needing
more love, so I nursed him at a few restaurants and friend's
houses on the trip. My parents were with us at restaurants
twice--the first time was after an event we all went out to
together; the second time was after spending the day at their
house.
The next day SM sat me down for a private talk as soon as we got
to her house. She led in oddly (commenting on me being a good
parent and my kid being amazing; I thought at first she was
going to apologize for bragging about my niece and nephew so
much and always minimizing my son; then I thought she was going
to tell me not to be mean to my cousin whose kid is a bit
younger than my son and hasn't hit the milestones my son has),
but then she started in on shaming me for breastfeeding in
public--or even in front of my extended family. "God laid it on
her heart" to talk to me about this, so she would not be
stopped, even when I tried to defend myself. (We come from
different religious backgrounds, and I think that phrase is used
as an excuse to say mean things; it's frequently used as the
religious equivalent of "No offense, but that shirt makes you
look ugly.) When I said, "I'm not having this conversation"
(after not being permitted to explain my position at all) and
stood to leave, she literally shouted at me that I was her child
and therefore I had to sit and listen. Yeah, no. I grabbed my
husband and son (who were super confused since we'd just arrived
10 minutes earlier) and we left. She stopped my husband from
leaving to continue the lecture; he told her I'm doing what I
need to do to take care of my child and he supports me. We only
came back much later in the day when other family members had
arrived for the holiday party.
At the end of the evening I said we'd return tomorrow and that
if I had to nurse, I would take Son to a private bedroom but
that I would not discuss the issue with her again; if she wasn't
OK with that, we wouldn't come over, but she did agree
(unwillingly). So when Son wanted to nurse right before dinner,
I grabbed my plate and took it upstairs with me. (I was
honestly glad that the situation happened that way, so I could
show Dad and SM that they were excluding me with this
proclamation.) I came back down after 10 minutes and rejoined
the family and no one said anything.
After returning to my home, SM asks when they can come make
plans to visit us again. I said we could make plans but that I
needed her to know that, if Son was sick or teething and needed
to nurse extra, that in my home they would have to leave the
room and I would not. She tried to make all her points about
how I should be ashamed for nursing in public again and I said I
refused to discuss it. I said the only issue here was letting
her know "my house, my rules." She said that neither she nor my
dad were offended by my nursing, and that it wasn't a problem
for THEM if I nursed in the same room as them at my house, but
that she would not want to go to a restaurant with us if Son
would be nursing. I agreed that we wouldn't go (together, at
least, lol) to any restaurants while they visited (IF Son was
sick and nursing and it was even an issue).
Well now we're at the time for making plans (earlier plans fell
through, not that I was disappointed) and I've realized that I
actually do nurse Son in public 2 other times. I nurse him at
church because it keeps him quiet during the quiet parts. And I
nurse him at a mommy and me class we go to Saturday mornings
during the brief "cuddle time" at the end--and several other
moms nurse during the class as a whole as well as during the
cuddle time. I didn't discuss either of these nursing times
with SM already in the previous call because I hadn't thought of
them.
My parents will be visiting on a weekend. If I stick to my
normal schedule and invited them to the events happening that
weekend, there will be public nursing going on. (Gasp, the
horror. /sarcasm)
(A further bit of background: Upon reflection, I realized that
every 5 years or so since I've become an adult, SM has had a
massive, out of the blue, freak out at me. She occasionally
admits that she mishandled the issue, but usually she says
nothing at all about it. Usually the situation doesn't come up
again, so it doesn't need to be addressed in order to pretend
the freak out never happened. But this one is clearly a problem
for their upcoming visit, as well as for any future kids I have,
so I need to figure out how to deal with it without her trying
to lecture me again.)
I'm really trying to behave kindly despite still being so hurt
about this situation, so I was hoping if I asked you all, some
of you might have some suggestions for how to approach this
issue. Also, I'm trying really hard to not let my hurt over
this keep my parents away from their grandson, so I do want them
to visit briefly (my SM usually stays a few days longer since my
dad works and she doesn't; I'm going to say no to that on this
trip). They're really not toxic and, apart from these weird
every 5 year blow ups and the fact that my parents really,
really prefer my nephew and niece over my son, they're people
that it's better to have in my son's life than not. (Maybe that
sounds defensive; I'm trying to preempt the people who say to
give SM the cut direct or something; I'm not even close to there
with these relatives.)
Some options I have for the weekend--
I could go to a makeup Class earlier in the week and simply not
go on the usual Saturday
I could go to a makeup Class earlier in the week and expressly
state why we're not going Saturday
I could go to a makeup Class earlier in the week and we could
make other plans for the morning (though I don't know what those
would be; it can't be a day trip since Son really only naps well
at home) and use that as the reason for not going to Class like
normal
I could go as usual on Saturday and not invite them (and either
say grandparents aren't invited, which is a lie, or something
else, or maybe nothing at all)
I could go as usual on Saturday and invite them with a warning
that I, and others, will be exposing our breasts in public (as
is permitted BY FREAKING LAW and encouraged by the instructor)
and let them choose whether to join us
For church I think the only option is to tell them, in varying
levels of politeness "You're welcome to join us, but please
know that I will be nursing during Mass and if you are
uncomfortable with this, you are free to stay home." (Skipping
Mass or splitting up so Son stays home while others go to church
is not an option for my family.)
Also, should I bring this up when planning, or wait until they
get here?
Thanks for helping me think this through!
#Post#: 26275--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Jem Date: February 18, 2019, 6:09 pm
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I think that if you are secure in your behavior you should just
tell your SM that and allow her to disapprove. You think you are
right; she thinks she is right. It seems you both care about
each other, but I doubt either is going to change the other’s
mind. So choose what is most important to you, and then behave
accordingly knowing that there may be disapproval from your SM.
I do think that the older your son gets the bigger issue this is
going to be for your SM (and probably with the public in
general). People are entitled to parent as they see fit, but
that doesn’t mean everyone has to agree with how anyone else
decides to parent.
#Post#: 26276--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Jem Date: February 18, 2019, 6:15 pm
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Also wanted to add: I have no idea how the OP goes about nursing
in public, but I have observed people who do it discretely, but
there are also people who do it in a “what are you gonna do
about it - look at me nursing! Look! LOOK! Are you offended?!?!
Notice I am nursing in public!!!!”
It could be that, from the SM’s perspective, the OP is going
about it the latter way, either because of body language or
because her son is two years old and likely walking and talking.
The OP can and should do as she thinks best, but based on what
the OP has told us it seems the SM is doing what SHE thinks is
best in talking to the OP about how she is coming across. I am
not saying one is right here, just that especially as the son
gets older the OP is likely to get more and more stares or
comments so she should prepare for standing her ground despite
that if that is he choice she makes.
#Post#: 26282--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Hanna Date: February 18, 2019, 7:01 pm
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I did not know guests ever attended Mommy and Me classes. I
would not invite them to that.
I don’t have a solution for church other than to just tell them
you will nurse your child as needed and they are welcome to
attend a different service if that is uncomfortable for them.
#Post#: 26287--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: MiriamCatriona Date: February 18, 2019, 7:35 pm
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[quote author=Bada link=topic=1004.msg26272#msg26272
date=1550533732]
I could go as usual on Saturday and invite them with a warning
that I, and others, will be exposing our breasts in public and
let them choose whether to join us
For church I think the only option is to tell them, in varying
levels of politeness "You're welcome to join us, but please
know that I will be nursing during Mass and if you are
uncomfortable with this, you are free to stay home."
Also, should I bring this up when planning, or wait until they
get here?[/quote]
I think these are the appropriate options. Your kid has a right
to eat. His grandmother has no more say in this than if you
were raising him vegetarian and she wanted to feed him sausage.
If you discuss specific plans for their stay before they arrive,
mention it then. If not, let it come up naturally whenever it's
first mentioned that you'll be attending the class and service.
You don't need to change your plans or your parenting to
accommodate her rudeness.
#Post#: 26289--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Jem Date: February 18, 2019, 7:47 pm
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I cannot quote from my phone how I want to, but I noticed that
the OP refers to “exposing breast in public.” Nursing does not
require any exposed breasts! There are discreet options. If the
OP is in fact exposing her breasts this can be remedied. Perhaps
the OP could consider using a drape and this might help with the
SM’s concerns and make things easier on the OP and her son as
well.
#Post#: 26290--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Sycorax Date: February 18, 2019, 8:02 pm
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It's possible that the 2 year old may be making it difficult to
be discreet, e.g., yanking OP's shirt around. If that's the
case, the child might be able to be redirected to do something
else with his hands.
As far as the stepmom goes, I'd address it before the visit.
#Post#: 26291--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: SioCat Date: February 18, 2019, 8:18 pm
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I don’t understand the focus on being “discreet”. They’re
breasts, for crying out loud. I would let them know that I’m
going to feed my child however I’m comfortable. If they don’t
like it? We can meet up when I no longer breastfeed.
#Post#: 26292--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Jem Date: February 18, 2019, 8:25 pm
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[quote author=SioCat link=topic=1004.msg26291#msg26291
date=1550542719]
I don’t understand the focus on being “discreet”. They’re
breasts, for crying out loud. I would let them know that I’m
going to feed my child however I’m comfortable. If they don’t
like it? We can meet up when I no longer breastfeed.
[/quote]
My comments were because the OP said she does not want to cut
off contact with the SM. If this is in fact the case, being
“discreet” could help ease the tension and allow the OP to nurse
while addressing the SM’s concerns.
I agree that the OP can and should nurse however she wants and
however long she deems appropriate. But she should also be aware
that people are going to increasingly have their own thoughts
about her doing so in public as her son gets older, as already
expressed by her SM.
#Post#: 26293--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a family member is appalled by you nursing publicly
By: Jem Date: February 18, 2019, 8:27 pm
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Stated another way, the OP can and should do what she wants. But
she cannot also expect everyone (or anyone) to not have opinions
on what she does. If it is more important for her to expose her
breasts while nursing in public, then own it! If it is important
to not embarrass her SM in public while nursing her son,
consider a drape.
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