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#Post#: 26241--------------------------------------------------
How To Dictate The Dress Code
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: February 18, 2019, 11:25 am
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The wedding dress attire thread had me thinking of a situation
that recently happened and I am wondering what is the polite way
to coordinate dress for outings?
I had recently invited a friend to attend a theater show with
me. It had not occurred to me to discuss how to dress, but we
ended up being a bit mix-matchy and maybe I should have. This
was a professional show in the city's theater district. While
most of the ladies tend to get a bit dressed up (dresses,
skirts, nice slacks), we live in pretty casual city where jeans
and sweaters might pass. I had also invited her to a pre-show
drink at a martini bar that attracts corporate types during
happy hour and theater goers before the shows (so business
causal to more dressy would be appropriate), although before the
sporting games, I have seen people in there with athletic gear.
My conclusion from my the places that we were going was to wear
nice slacks, a fun top, blazer jacket, heels, and some fun
jewelry. I would call it "fun business", but fashion is not my
forte. My friend showed up in jeans, a T-shirt, tennis shoes,
and a hoodie jacket. I do not embarrass easily, so I made no
mention of anything and hope that my friend did not feel
uncomfortable that we did not really go together. However, I
cannot help but think that maybe I should have better directed
to the "dress code" as the host, especially being that this was
the first time that we were going out together. Is there a nice
way to mention such a thing or was the attire within the
invitation? I will gladly accept that I was the wrong dressed
improperly, if others think so, too.
Thoughts?
#Post#: 26243--------------------------------------------------
Re: How To Dictate The Dress Code
DIR By: Jem
Date: February 18, 2019, 11:39 am
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I would just say what you intend to wear. Your friend’s response
will help you determine whether you want to continue to do fancy
outings with her.
My family tends to dress “nicely” regardless of occasion, and to
dress up for “events” including holiday gatherings. Even though
I know my family will never show up in sweat pants or baseball
hats or raggedly clothes, we still always have a discussion
about what people are wearing. It helps ensure everyone is, in
fact, comfortable. There are events to which we wear cocktail
attire. There are events to which we wear “church clothes.”
There are events to which we wear “normal nice clothes.” But we
always have a sense of what is expected. I cannot think of when
it has been an issue.
I spend a lot of time at the gym, so I am not opposed to casual
comfy attire.....at the gym or when lounging or running random
errands. I personally find it to be a let down to go to a fancy
event or location and have other people show up in shorts and
raggedy printed t-shirts, or other clothing I wouldn’t consider
appropriate for the occasion. I might stop and get gas in my gym
clothes, but I wouldn’t go to the mall and certainly would not
attend an event in them (and I have some really nice and
expensive gym clothes)!
#Post#: 26246--------------------------------------------------
Re: How To Dictate The Dress Code
DIR By: Aleko
Date: February 18, 2019, 11:56 am
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I think it's perfectly fine either to say how you plan to dress,
or 'how people at this venue generally dress'. That's not
'dictating the dress code'; it's simply information, of which
your friend can make use or not, as she wishes.
#Post#: 26252--------------------------------------------------
Re: How To Dictate The Dress Code
DIR By: mime
Date: February 18, 2019, 12:46 pm
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I agree with sharing what you plan to wear. If your friend was
thinking it was super-casual and hears that your choice incudes
a blazer and heels with your jeans, that might have been enough
for her to switch gears. It is so good to know that you didn't
spend the whole time feeling embarrassed by or embarrassed for
your friend, and didn't let your outfits put a damper on a fun
night out!
This reminds me of when I was in Boston and took my son (10 at
the time) to see Blue Man Group. I didn't know if Boston was a
'dressy' city or not; I was there for a business conference at a
fancy hotel, so everyone was dressed nicely, and I didn't know
much about the venue. I told my son he had to wear a collared
shirt and his 'good jeans', and I went business-casual. We were
the two best-dressed people in the house! We were in the front
row, and the first thing we had to do when we got to our seats
was to put on ponchos to keep our clothes clean. ;D He
jokingly questions my judgment when I tell him how to dress now.
#Post#: 26254--------------------------------------------------
Re: How To Dictate The Dress Code
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: February 18, 2019, 1:00 pm
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I think instead of thinking about "dictating" dress code, you
should think more of it as "indicating" what the standard dress
code is. Your guest can then decide how they want to dress based
on this shared information.
You can do it in a text like "looking forward to tomorrow night.
I'm planning to wear slacks and heels since we are going to the
martini bar prior to the play." It can also be the other way
like "I'll pick you up around 5. This place is pretty casual so
I'll be in jeans and a sweater."
#Post#: 26260--------------------------------------------------
Re: How To Dictate The Dress Code
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: February 18, 2019, 2:28 pm
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How were the other people in the theater dressed? If there's a
mix of business casual and jeans, you're both OK and it's also
OK not to match each other.
If an establishment has a formal or informal dress code, you can
give a heads up on what is appropriate for the place if she is
not familiar.
#Post#: 26271--------------------------------------------------
Re: How To Dictate The Dress Code
DIR By: lakey
Date: February 18, 2019, 5:44 pm
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Hmmm,
--- Quote ---
> You can do it in a text like "looking forward to tomorrow
night. I'm planning to wear slacks and heels since we are going
to the martini bar prior to the play." It can also be the other
way like "I'll pick you up around 5. This place is pretty casual
so I'll be in jeans and a sweater."
--- End Quote ---
Great wording. I was thinking that any comment about how to
dress would seem patronizing, but this sounds great. Then it is
up to the other person to decide whether to follow suit.
#Post#: 26314--------------------------------------------------
Re: How To Dictate The Dress Code
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: February 19, 2019, 7:44 am
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Thanks for your thoughts! As lakey articulated better than me, I
do not want to sound patronizing. I had assumed (and had good
reason to believe) that she had an idea of how people came to
this theater, so it did not occur to me to mention dress. I do
not want to offend future friends in similar situations, so I do
not want to come across as to insulting one’s ability to dress
properly.
A few people latched onto my use of the word dictate, which I
guess was a poor choice on my end. I am not looking to demand
that someone dress in a certain way, but rather to ensure their
comfort. I am sure that we have all been on the end of where you
arrive somewhere and realize that maybe you are under dress. I
am not sure if my friend felt this way (it's entirely possible
that she thought I was over dressed), but I think it wise for
everyone's comfort that I ensure that I am dressing similarly to
my guest.
--- Quote from: Rose Red link ---
>
> How were the other people in the theater dressed? If there's a
mix of business casual and jeans, you're both OK and it's also
OK not to match each other.
>
--- End Quote ---
People were dressed as they typically do for this theater; nice
dresses (Sunday clothes), business casual, there might have been
jeans, but they would have certainly been dressed up. There were
likely a few people in cocktail dresses in the better seats on
the floor. This happened to be a Saturday evening performance,
so it was probably the dressiest of the run. Things tend to be a
bit more causal at say a Sunday matinee (less cocktail dresses
and suits for sure.)
But thank you for your thoughts and wording. I suppose that my
error was in assuming and not sharing how I planned to dress. I
think I have a better plan of attack for the future.
#Post#: 26324--------------------------------------------------
Re: How To Dictate The Dress Code
DIR By: STiG
Date: February 19, 2019, 9:02 am
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I dictate to my husband what he should wear so nothing wrong
with the word choice in that scenario. ;D
But yes, I think for future invitations, it would be best to say
something with the invite: the crowd at this theater tends to
dress up a bit for the Saturday evening performances. I'm going
to wear X! Then your guest can choose what to wear.
(My husband and I had tickets to a Saturday Matinee show so I
felt we should dress up a little but didn't need to be to the
nines. I got him in something other than jeans or cargo pants
with a dress shirt; I wore dress pants, blouse and nice
cardigan. He commented that I looked great but he looked like a
farmer going to town. LOL)
#Post#: 26396--------------------------------------------------
Re: How To Dictate The Dress Code
DIR By: Surly
Date: February 19, 2019, 8:07 pm
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--- Quote from: Rose Red link ---
>
> How were the other people in the theater dressed? If there's a
mix of business casual and jeans, you're both OK and it's also
OK not to match each other.
>
> If an establishment has a formal or informal dress code, you
can give a heads up on what is appropriate for the place if she
is not familiar.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree, and I don't think she was dressed incorrectly, was she?
You mentioned jeans for the theatre and athletic apparel for
the martini bar as being on the low and of the usual dress, so
her jeans + hoodie sounds reasonable, yes? I feel better if I'm
on the lower end of the dress code, rather than overdressing, so
I don't think there was a problem here. There's no reason she
needs to match your outfit.
If there is an actual dress code then yes, let her know in
advance, rather than expect her to know already.
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