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#Post#: 26221--------------------------------------------------
Dictating What Guests Will Wear
By: syfygeek Date: February 18, 2019, 8:23 am
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You know how we kind of laugh at stories of Brides dictating
what guests will and will not wear? And feel safe because we
know our family will not do that?
I'm not laughing- my niece is getting married and my sister (A),
the mother of the bride, has texted our other sister (B) to tell
her what B's 12 year old son will wear. Which of course is
nothing that is in his closet. The kid wears school uniforms or
sweats. A wants him in dress pants, long sleeved dress shirt and
a tie and dress shoes.
Then I find out A has asked my son to be an usher, and told him
what he will wear. My son is 30, works a construction-type job
and doesn't own a suit. But he could use suit, so I told him I'd
help him get it.
Then sister A texted me and asked what kind of dress I was
buying for the wedding. I told her I have plenty of wedding
appropriate dresses, I'm good. She texted back and said she
couldn't believe I'm not wearing something new to the wedding.
And all this happened this weekend. The wedding is in 2 weeks. I
have a sinking feeling I'll be updating this if not before the
wedding, then after.
#Post#: 26222--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dictating What Guests Will Wear
By: SioCat Date: February 18, 2019, 8:27 am
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Was B’s son planning on wearing his school uniform to the
wedding?
The only problem I see is with her needing you to wear something
new. Everything else is pretty normal.
#Post#: 26223--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dictating What Guests Will Wear
By: Sycorax Date: February 18, 2019, 8:33 am
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[quote author=syfygeek link=topic=1000.msg26221#msg26221
date=1550499809]
You know how we kind of laugh at stories of Brides dictating
what guests will and will not wear? And feel safe because we
know our family will not do that?
I'm not laughing- my niece is getting married and my sister (A),
the mother of the bride, has texted our other sister (B) to tell
her what B's 12 year old son will wear. Which of course is
nothing that is in his closet. The kid wears school uniforms or
sweats. A wants him in dress pants, long sleeved dress shirt and
a tie and dress shoes.
Then I find out A has asked my son to be an usher, and told him
what he will wear. My son is 30, works a construction-type job
and doesn't own a suit. But he could use suit, so I told him I'd
help him get it.
Then sister A texted me and asked what kind of dress I was
buying for the wedding. I told her I have plenty of wedding
appropriate dresses, I'm good. She texted back and said she
couldn't believe I'm not wearing something new to the wedding.
And all this happened this weekend. The wedding is in 2 weeks. I
have a sinking feeling I'll be updating this if not before the
wedding, then after.
[/quote]
Honestly, these requests don't seem that horrible in the grand
scheme of things. Was B's son just going to wear his school
uniform (or sweats!), or was he going to get something new to
wear? Your son just needs a suit, but not a specific expensive
one, and he will be able to wear it more than just the one time.
And she didn't tell you to buy a new dress, although she might
have been passive-aggressive about what you were wearing.
#Post#: 26225--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dictating What Guests Will Wear
By: Winterlight Date: February 18, 2019, 9:04 am
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I don't think her first two requests are that odd. An usher in a
suit is pretty standard, and a dress shirt and pants is par for
the course- school uniforms and sweats are generally not an
option. If she actually tells you to buy a new dress, you can
push back on that. But at this point I don't see a problem.
#Post#: 26226--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dictating What Guests Will Wear
By: Jem Date: February 18, 2019, 9:07 am
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Yeah, all of these "requests" seem completely normal to me. As
Sio alluded to, it would be inappropriate to wear either a
school uniform or sweats for a wedding. I almost get the sense
that maybe the people involved have a history of wearing
inappropriate clothing for certain events so the niece wants to
try to avoid that?
I know for me I like to know what is expected. I hate when
people say, "wear whatever you would feel comfortable in" when
they know they intend to wear a cocktail dress and then people
who show up in jeans feel out of place. Or conversely, "wear
whatever you feel comfortable in" when they really mean, "we
will all be wearing sweatpants and baseball hats." Just be clear
on what the expected dress code is.
I would consider it a kindness to be told what type of dress is
expected.
#Post#: 26228--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dictating What Guests Will Wear
By: Hmmm Date: February 18, 2019, 9:10 am
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[quote author=SioCat link=topic=1000.msg26222#msg26222
date=1550500048]
Was B’s son planning on wearing his school uniform to the
wedding?
The only problem I see is with her needing you to wear something
new. Everything else is pretty normal.
[/quote]
I agree that I didn't see anything out of the norm in the
requests other than expectation about a new dress.
Expecting usher's to wear a suit (or rented tux) is pretty much
a standard. I've only attended one wedding where the ushers,
groomsmen, and groom were not wearing suits or tux.
I'm curious too about what B was planning for her son to wear.
It sort of sounds like A was heading off a potential problem.
#Post#: 26232--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dictating What Guests Will Wear
By: Aleko Date: February 18, 2019, 9:32 am
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I'm with Pandorica and Winterlight. It has always been
acceptable - indeed, it's downright helpful - to state the
dress code for one's wedding. Surely nobody would characterise
the inclusion of the information 'black tie', 'casual', or
'lounge/business suit' on the invitation as dictatorial!
Your sister's instructions for your son and nephew are actually
just a spelling-out of the perfectly normal code
'lounge/business suit'. (Shirt with tie, tailored trousers and
non-trainer-styled black shoes are the accepted equivalent for
growing lads who don't normally have any use for a suit, and
whose parents can't be expected to buy them one that they would
likely have grown out of before a second occasion for wearing it
came around.) You may feel she's nagging you: but evidently she
fears that if she doesn't spell out the code, her side of the
family would turn up looking like slobs and show her daughter up
in front of her new husband's family - and the fact that you
show surprise and resentment at her requesting that they come
dressed 'respectably' suggests that her fears are not
unreasonable.
I agree that asking you to buy a new dress is unreasonable.
However, this does sound like a woman who dreads that her
relatives may turn up at her daughter's lovely wedding looking
like tramps.
#Post#: 26234--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dictating What Guests Will Wear
By: Winterlight Date: February 18, 2019, 9:44 am
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1000.msg26226#msg26226
date=1550502428]
I know for me I like to know what is expected. I hate when
people say, "wear whatever you would feel comfortable in" when
they know they intend to wear a cocktail dress and then people
who show up in jeans feel out of place. Or conversely, "wear
whatever you feel comfortable in" when they really mean, "we
will all be wearing sweatpants and baseball hats." Just be clear
on what the expected dress code is.
I would consider it a kindness to be told what type of dress is
expected.
[/quote]
Same here. I've been to weddings where I had no clue what the
dress code would be, and it stresses me out to play a guessing
game (a 4pm wedding in a cathedral and a picnic to follow where
you're told "wear what you're comfortable in" is NOT helpful!)
#Post#: 26249--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dictating What Guests Will Wear
By: mime Date: February 18, 2019, 12:25 pm
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I'm on the fence with this one. The expectations are reasonable,
but going around making phone calls to everyone is not.
OP: does B's family have a reputation of the kids being more
casual than what is typical, where sister A might have a
legitimate concern about the way he dresses? My 14 year old
dresses like a backup dancer for a skateboarder-boy-band, but
that's not how he goes to a wedding. I would be irritated if
someone called me to make sure I understood how to dress my kid
appropriately.
The conversation about the suit for the usher is the one that
makes sense to me. As a part of the wedding party, the clothes
are more coordinated. This clears up whether he had to rent a
tux, get a grey suit, or any suit he liked.
Sister A expressing surprise at your not buying a new dress for
the wedding (when you have enough wedding-appropriate dresses,
as you said) is worth an eye roll for sure. It comes across as
'how can you not buy a new more-special dress for the event of
the year?' I'd be put off by that.
#Post#: 26250--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dictating What Guests Will Wear
By: syfygeek Date: February 18, 2019, 12:29 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1000.msg26232#msg26232
date=1550503922]
I'm with Pandorica and Winterlight. It has always been
acceptable - indeed, it's downright helpful - to state the
dress code for one's wedding. Surely nobody would characterise
the inclusion of the information 'black tie', 'casual', or
'lounge/business suit' on the invitation as dictatorial!
Your sister's instructions for your son and nephew are actually
just a spelling-out of the perfectly normal code
'lounge/business suit'. (Shirt with tie, tailored trousers and
non-trainer-styled black shoes are the accepted equivalent for
growing lads who don't normally have any use for a suit, and
whose parents can't be expected to buy them one that they would
likely have grown out of before a second occasion for wearing it
came around.) You may feel she's nagging you: but evidently she
fears that if she doesn't spell out the code, her side of the
family would turn up looking like slobs and show her daughter up
in front of her new husband's family - and the fact that you
show surprise and resentment at her requesting that they come
dressed 'respectably' suggests that her fears are not
unreasonable.
I agree that asking you to buy a new dress is unreasonable.
However, this does sound like a woman who dreads that her
relatives may turn up at her daughter's lovely wedding looking
like tramps.
[/quote]
12 year old would have worn navy or khaki slacks and a collared
polo. Since DS didn't know until this weekend he was an usher,
he would have been wearing khakis and a button down shirt. I'm
hoping Sister A didn't think we would turn up looking like
tramps ::)
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