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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 740--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please don't say that . . .
DIR By: guest249
Date: May 15, 2018, 12:24 pm
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It's a reasonable request that your fear/anxiety not be
disclosed to your coworkers. Even though your boss has not
actually mentioned that you have a fear or anxiety issues, it is
also reasonable to feel awkward about her mentioning that your
preferences are the basis for these types of decision. I
wouldn't like it either.
Before you approach her, I think you should consider that she is
being very accommodating to you and considerate of your specific
needs. That shouldn't go unacknowledged. The next time this
happens, after the meeting, ask if you can speak with her
privately. Then say:
"Klara, I really appreciate that you are so accommodating of my
needs. Holding meetings in MyCity really helps lessen my
anxiety and adds to my enjoyment of working here. I am a little
uncomfortable that everyone is told that I'm the reason the
location decisions are what they are. I don't like being
singled out in that way. Do you have to disclose the reason
behind the decision? Are there other good reasons to hold
meetings here aside from my anxiety? Also, since the meeting is
going to be held here and I'm familiar with the area, I wanted
to organize a group social after work at a local restaurant. Is
that something you'd be interested in having me do?"
#Post#: 750--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please don't say that . . .
DIR By: kckgirl
Date: May 15, 2018, 12:48 pm
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Before I retired from my government job, we had an employee who
did not fly. We are on the east coast of the USA. If he had to
attend meetings or a conference on the west coast, he took a few
days off and drove there (usually in a camper with his wife).
His mileage reimbursement was limited to the cost of a round
trip airplane ticket. Since it took extra time, he had to take
vacation days to cover any travel over and above the one day
travel to and from. He never tried to avoid the travel, just
accommodated his preference on his own. If they really need to
meet elsewhere, maybe you could, as Once a Lurker suggested,
drive or take the train instead.
#Post#: 817--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please don't say that . . .
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: May 15, 2018, 3:35 pm
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--- Quote from: kckgirl link ---
>
> Before I retired from my government job, we had an employee
who did not fly. We are on the east coast of the USA. If he had
to attend meetings or a conference on the west coast, he took a
few days off and drove there (usually in a camper with his
wife). His mileage reimbursement was limited to the cost of a
round trip airplane ticket. Since it took extra time, he had to
take vacation days to cover any travel over and above the one
day travel to and from. He never tried to avoid the travel, just
accommodated his preference on his own. If they really need to
meet elsewhere, maybe you could, as Once a Lurker suggested,
drive or take the train instead.
>
--- End Quote ---
Alternate transport is a good idea but it sounds like her
anxiety is much broader than just flying.
--- Quote ---
> going to the airport, getting on a plane, finding a rental
car, driving through unknown city (I don't have a smart phone
with GPS) in an unknown vehicle, meeting with people in an
environment that I don't know, etc. just freaks me out a bit.
--- End Quote ---
#Post#: 839--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please don't say that . . .
DIR By: guest7
Date: May 15, 2018, 4:38 pm
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--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
>
> Alternate transport is a good idea but it sounds like her
anxiety is much broader than just flying.
> [quote]going to the airport, getting on a plane, finding a
rental car, driving through unknown city (I don't have a smart
phone with GPS) in an unknown vehicle, meeting with people in an
environment that I don't know, etc. just freaks me out a bit.
--- End Quote ---
[/quote]
Maybe she could stick with another member of her own group so
she wouldn't have to make decisions and navigate entirely on her
own. I think most co-workers kind of do that anyway, don't
they?
#Post#: 929--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please don't say that . . .
DIR By: Celestia
Date: May 15, 2018, 8:22 pm
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I don't see anything impolite about what you posted in the OP :)
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your boss and
are close enough to tell her of the problem in the first place,
so you're only adding another detail to an issue she's already
accepting of.
"Thank you so much for working with me and helping me avoid
travel. But next time, would you not mention my name please?
It's embarrassing to think more people know about my issues than
necessary."
#Post#: 969--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please don't say that . . .
DIR By: Meglena
Date: May 16, 2018, 12:07 am
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It's great that your boss is supportive, I have travel anxieties
so I can relate to your problem. Depending upon your
relationship with your boss you could ask her politely - as
you've said in th OP not to mention your anxieties every time
events are scheduled in your locale.
#Post#: 1006--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please don't say that . . .
DIR By: wonderfullyanonymous
Date: May 16, 2018, 8:03 am
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IMHO, as one who fears flying, and also have social anxiety, I
wouldn't worry about her calling you out. I have a small tight
knit group of friends, but when in a social situation, I let
people know, that what I'm doing isn't my cup of tea. Don't be
afraid to let people know, you aren't being a *witch, you're
just uncomfortable with the situation.
I'm morbidly shy in front of people I don't know. I'm fairly
self confident, unless I don't know you, then my brain does
everything in it's power to make me feel like the elephant in
the corner. If I'm invited to a party, I always accept, but up
until the moment we leave, I am trying to come up with an excuse
in my head, so I don't have to go.
#Post#: 1016--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please don't say that . . .
DIR By: bopper
Date: May 16, 2018, 8:58 am
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--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> I'll be blunt.
>
> Your boss is supportive and understanding of your fear of
travel and does not insist you try to get over it.
> Your boss is arranging 2 events so that you can attend and not
have to navigate your fear of travel.
> Instead of saying, thank you for being so considerate, you
want to confront her about stating the accurate reason to the
rest of the team about why the meetings are being arranged in
your locale.
>
> She didn't mention your anxiety, she just said you don't like
to travel. People have all types of reasons for not liking to
travel for work like family or pet obligations.
>
> If you really don't want the team to know the reason behind
the decision then I think it is more appropriate for you to tell
your boss that in the future you understand if meetings occur in
other cities and that you'll be absent and that you do not want
all decisions on meeting locations to be made based on your
anxiety issues.
>
--- End Quote ---
But is that different than saying "Because Jane is in a
wheelchair, we will have our outing at a movie theater rather
than the ropes course we could have".
Also, OP, consider getting a smart phone to lessen the anxiety
of going places that are new to you. I follow my GPS and it is
way less intimidating.
#Post#: 1034--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please don't say that . . .
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: May 16, 2018, 9:40 am
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--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> [quote author=Hmmm link=topic=100.msg708#msg708
date=1526400173]
> I'll be blunt.
>
> Your boss is supportive and understanding of your fear of
travel and does not insist you try to get over it.
> Your boss is arranging 2 events so that you can attend and not
have to navigate your fear of travel.
> Instead of saying, thank you for being so considerate, you
want to confront her about stating the accurate reason to the
rest of the team about why the meetings are being arranged in
your locale.
>
> She didn't mention your anxiety, she just said you don't like
to travel. People have all types of reasons for not liking to
travel for work like family or pet obligations.
>
> If you really don't want the team to know the reason behind
the decision then I think it is more appropriate for you to tell
your boss that in the future you understand if meetings occur in
other cities and that you'll be absent and that you do not want
all decisions on meeting locations to be made based on your
anxiety issues.
>
--- End Quote ---
But is that different than saying "Because Jane is in a
wheelchair, we will have our outing at a movie theater rather
than the ropes course we could have".
Also, OP, consider getting a smart phone to lessen the anxiety
of going places that are new to you. I follow my GPS and it is
way less intimidating.
[/quote]
Bopper, sorry, I'm not following your question.
#Post#: 1572--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please don't say that . . . OP#20
DIR By: jpcher
Date: May 17, 2018, 5:20 pm
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Thank you all for your responses . . . sorry I'm late in
responding but trying to read two etiquette sites in one sitting
takes more time than I allot myself. I'm sure you know what I
mean. ;)
I agree, Karla is being extremely accommodating for this get
together, and I will thank her for her consideration. We've had
other travel meeting that were larger than just our team, which
I haven't gone to. They were mostly seminar-type with keynote
speakers, etc. however a lot of the sessions were web-casted for
those that weren't able to physically attend.
--- Quote from: Bales link ---
>
> Her phrasing doesn't actually mention a fear or phobia, so if
I was hearing it, I would just assume you didn't like to travel
for any number of reasons (family commitments, for example.) So
I would not ask her to bring up your fears/anxiety because I
don't think she is and I also think it's very nice of her to
keep that in mind when scheduling.
>
--- End Quote ---
This is a good point and others mentioned that Karla's phrasing
was not really cringe-worthy on my part. I appreciate you all
giving me a different perspective . . . I was overthinking it.
--- Quote from: Octavia link ---
>
> I like your suggestion to say your city is a great place to
visit, it's most convenient to get around, etc. Keep it
positive!
>
--- End Quote ---
Spot-on, Octavia! (and others that mentioned the same thing) ;D
This is the way to approach it. Thanks!
I have a one-on-one with Karla on Monday. I'll talk about the
thoughts I have for hosting this event and go from there. If she
brings it up as being a favor to me because I don't like to
travel then I'll politely respond with some of the words that
posters have mentioned here (still formulating them in my mind,
lots of good thoughts. ;)).
wonderfullyanonymous -- My twin! ;D
Hmmm -- To clarify: It is one event that was talked about twice.
I do not want to confront Karla. I asked here for polite ways to
approach the situation in a positive way.
I got my answers. ;D
I'm so glad this board is continuing!
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