DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
After Quarantine
HTML https://afterquarantine.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Life After the Pandemic :)
*****************************************************
#Post#: 21--------------------------------------------------
A Day in the Life -- Hypochondria Edition
By: leannetarrab Date: June 18, 2020, 3:40 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Some days I go without noticing any symptoms.
Other days, any slight pain or skin abnormality becomes all I
focus on.
Let's take today for example. At around 2 PM I noticed the
knuckles right below my nail-beds are red or orange tinted and a
little bit bumpy. Unfortunately, because of this, I had a
horrific panic attack and I spent almost every minute between 2
PM and 7:30 PM researching what I could have. I wish I was
exaggerating. That's an entire day gone. I was planning on
working on my Johnny Angel story, working on the song I'm
singing with Lul Maestro, and recording a cover of "Circles" by
Post Malone. But I didn't do any of that. Whenever a symptom
invades my brain, it absorbs all of my attention. It is simply
impossible for me to do anything else. After-all, how could
anything else be more important than my health?
Unfortunately, even on a good day when I am not hyper-aware of a
bodily function or focused on a particular symptom, my health is
always in the back of my mind, and I can't help but always feel
like there is something wrong with me. I take my temperature
multiple time a day, I inspect the inside of my mouth, I analyze
the skin on my legs, hands, and arms, and I even inspect my
period blood and stool. From the beginning of 2019 to now, I
suspect I've been to the doctor about twenty times. Three times
within the last month or two. Though I wish I could go more
often.
Since quarantine started, I have experienced the worst
hypochondria of my entire life. Worse than during summer break
in middle school when I thought I had a brain tumor, worse than
in Junior year when I thought I had lung c, worse than in Hawaii
when I thought I had a pulmonary embolism or anaphylaxis, and
worse than in San Diego when I thought I had heart failure.
I don't want to talk about all of the diseases I have obsessed
over during the past four months, as I am still convinced I have
many of them. However, I would just like to say that I have
spent almost every day throughout the past three months
expecting that my life will be cut short. It is the worst
feeling ever. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody. I am a person who
truly loves life, no matter how hard it can get, and it is my
worst fear to have it taken away from me prematurely.
I would sit outside on the grass with Orly and try to become one
with nature in an effort to feel less afraid of my impending
doom. I would either eat super healthy spinach soups in an
effort to save myself, or I would eat all of the sugar I wanted
because I knew it didn't matter anymore. I felt like no matter
what I had, it was too late.
I had multiple nights during which I did not sleep at all. I
feared not waking up the next morning.
At one point, I convinced myself I had diabetes and I cut out
all added sugars from my diet and I bought a test for
ketoacidosis. It came back negative. At another point, I
convinced myself I had sepsis from an undiagnosed kidney
infection from an undiagnosed UTI. I bought a UTI test,
cranberry pills, and a gallon of cranberry juice. Eventually, I
got an actual UTI test and it came back negative.
At one point, I convinced myself I had a deadly heart arrhythmia
or possible heart damage from rheumatic fever from undiagnosed
strep throat. I went to the doctor and I got an
electrocardiogram. It came out normal.
When I was a junior in high school, I thought I had lung c
because of my shortness of breath and recurrent back pain. I
went to the doctor and I got an x-ray of my chest and my back.
The doctor walked in and told me I had scoliosis. I started
crying. I wasn't unhappy. I was relieved. I was so happy to have
scoliosis instead of all of the other diseases I thought I had.
These are only the diseases I am willing to talk about.
I'm thinking maybe I can start a Hypochondria blog in order to
put all of my fears on paper and attempt to more easily
recognize how they are unreasonable.
*****************************************************