Here it is! The latest quotes list. It's grown so much since the last time you saw it! Thanks to Scott Simpson for his episode capsules, which I happily raided for quotes. If you have any positive comments or corrections, please email me. If you have negative comments, criticism, flames or just plain nasty things to say, please contact Stephanie. She's bored and that might just liven up her day. Here 'tis: "I am so psychosomatic it makes me sick just thinking about it!" - George "I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats to every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So, please, a little respect, for I am Constanza, Lord of the Idiots." - George "Can I count on you if things get ugly?" - George to Jerry in "The Chinese Restaurant" "I know Jerry. He's not a Nazi; he's just neat." - "Up here, I'm already gone." - Kramer, in "The Keys" "You're sooooooo good looking!" - Jerry, responding to someone's sneeze, in "His mother was a mudder, his father was a mudder." - in "The Subway" "One tuck, one no-tuck." - George, in "The Trip" "Do you ever yearn?" - Kramer, in "The Keys" "These pretzels are making me THIRSTY." - in "The Alternate Side" "No, that's not karma, that's Krama." - in "The Truth" "Tippy toe! Tippy toe!" - in "The Phone Message" "We only want to add THIS, to THAT." - in "The Deal" "We're living in a society!" - George, in "The Chinese Restaurant" "Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed!" - George, in "The Heart Attack" "Stelllllllaaaaaaa!!!!" - Elaine, high on muscle relaxants, to Uncle Leo's wife Stella, in "The Pen" "Cantstandya... Cantstandya!" - in "The Library" "The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was!" - in "The Library" "Yankee beans, Yankee beans, I like my Yankee beans." - "Sleeping with the cleaning lady... was that wrong?" - in "The Red Dot" "What am I, a hooker?" - Elaine, in "The Fix-Up" "I've always been a 'stall' man." - "My boys can swim!" - George, learning that he might be a father, in "The Fix-Up" "I've got hand." - in "The Pez Dispenser" "I've got so much hand, it's coming out of my glove!" - in "The Pez Dispenser" "Is it lupus? Is it lupus??!!" - George, in "The Suicide" "There had to have been a second spitter." - Jerry, in "The Boyfriend" "Yeah, nobody ever got killed in the city before." - Jerry, in "The Limo" "And the peat...aaah, the peat!" - in "The Limo" "I am not O'Brien!" - Jerry, in "The Limo" "He is a loathsome offensive brute, yet I can't look away." - Rich couple, admiring painting of Kramer in "The Letter." "That is one angry clown." - Jerry, in "The Opera" "It's like a sauna in here!" - Kramer, sitting in a sauna "I could have been a millionaire!! I could have been a FRAGRANCE millionaire!!!" - Kramer, in Jerry's apartment, after smelling Elaine and realizing that Calvin Klein stole his cologne idea, in "The Pick" "I just wanted to borrow your dustbuster." - Kramer "Are you master of your domain?" "I'm lord of the manor." "Queen of the castle!" - Jerry, George and Elaine, in "The Contest" "I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian." - Elaine, in "The Subway" "The little man knows all!" - Kramer "My little man's an idiot!" - George "You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? Here's your Christmas card!!!" - Elaine to George, as she grabs his head and pulls it into her chest, in "The Pick" "Let me ask you... What will you do if Martin wakes up? Run away like a mouse?" "No, more like the three stooges at the end of every movie." "Who are these stooges you speak of?" "They're a comedy team." "Tell me about them--everything." "Well, they're three kinda funny-looking guys and they hit each other a lot." "You will show me these stooges?" "I vill show you da stooges." (With fake accent) "When?" "Well, I don't really know where the stooges are right now but if I locate them you'll be the first to know." - Jerry and Gina, in "The Suicide" "Pft, pft, pft... Have a hair on my tongue, can't get it off. You know how much I hate that? Of course you do... you put it there." - Crazy Joe Davola, leaving a message on Jerry's answering machine, in "The Opera" "And you want to be my latex salesman." - Jerry, as George lay sprawled on the floor, his pants around his ankles, in "The Boyfriend" "It may be time for the dreaded apparatus." - Jerry to Kramer, who is constipated, in "The Pilot" "No pick! NO PICK!" - Jerry, after being caught in the middle of a dubious nose scratch, in "The Pick" "If we pick, do we not bleed?!" - Jerry, in "The Pick" "I'm a man who respects a good coma." - in "The Suicide" "I like to help the humans." - Kramer "I love the Drake." - Jerry "Snapple?" - Jerry, offering his favorite beverage to guests. "It's like a bald convention out there!" - Auditioning actress, commenting on all the would-be Georges, in "The Pilot" "That little bald guy is driving me nuts!" - TV Kramer, in "The Pilot" "Because he's *my* butler!" - Jerry, in "The Pilot" "Why can't I just exist?????" - George, in "I'm making great time here." - George, driving up to the cabin, in "The Bubble Boy" "Hey, I've got a rubber pencil thing happening here." - Elaine, in "The Cheever Letters" "How do you do?" "Oh, I do great!" - Kramer, in "His buttocks are sublime." - A Calvin Klein executive, admiring Kramer, in "The Pick" "I never met a man who knew so much about nothing." - Tia the model to Jerry, in "The Airport" "Let me just finish my coffee, and then we'll go watch them cut the fat bastard up." - Jerry to Kramer, in "The Junior Mints" "Can't you two see... that you're in LOVE with each other?" - Kramer, breaking up Jerry and Elaine's fight, in "The Fix-Up" "What am I... hard of smelling?" - Elaine to Jerry, in "The Smelly Car" "Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in." - Jerry to Kramer, who wants Jerry to return some bad fruit "You like gum? I got a gum guy!" - George to unemployment office worker, in "The Boyfriend" "HEY! Where's my WAVE!!" - Jerry, in the car, to another driver he had let go by "I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to *strangers* ???? - Jerry, in "The Chinese Restaurant" "I say we leave now... we go to Skyburger and we scarf 'em down!!!" - Elaine, in "The Chinese Restaurant" "C'mon, there will be people to mock." - Jerry to Elaine, trying to convince her to go to a wedding, in "The Stakeout" "Jerry, he's a *guy*" - Elaine to Jerry, who is concerned about making a good impression on his new friend Keith Hernandez, in "The Boyfriend" "That must've been one magic loogie." - Jerry, during a reenactment of the spitting incident with Kramer and Newman, in "The Boyfriend" "Moops!" - George, playing Trivial Pursuit with the bubble boy, stubbornly insisting that a typo on the game card is the correct answer instead of "Moors," in "The Bubble Boy" "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." - Jerry, in "The Pick" "How could anyone not like Jerry?!" - Jerry's mom, in "The Pilot" "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" - Jerry, denying that he is gay, but not wanting to be seen as anti-gay, in "The Outing" "That's a hard minute... It's like standing in the shower waiting for the conditioner to work." - George, in "The Busboy" "You gotta see the baby. Again with the baby. When are you gonna see the baby? Why can't they just send us a tape?" - Jerry "Don't concern yourself with me, because I'm good. I'm very good. I'm really very, very, good." - Elaine "Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me." - Jerry "Pity's very underrated. I like pity. It's good." - George "I'm human... in my way" - Kramer "His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal..." - George, describing Jerry, in "The Visa" "If the Mets win the pennant, I'll sit here naked with ya." - Jerry, to a large naked guy, in "The Subway" "Kramer saw me naked. How can I go on?"' - Elaine "I can't carry a pencil. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum." - George "It moved." - George, after getting a massage from a man, in "The Note" "It's like a ski lodge..." - Kramer's description of the new look of his apartment after he put up fake-wood wallpaper, in "The Junior Mints" "Master of the house... Keeper of the zoo..." - George, who can't get a song from "Les Miserables" out of his head, in "The Jacket" "Maybe the dingo ate your baby..." - Elaine, to a snooty party guest, in "My father didn't pay for parking, my mother, my brother, nobody. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay for it? If I apply myself, maybe I can get it for free." - George, in "The Parking Spot" "The panties that your mother laid out for you?" - Jerry's non-sequitur, mood-killing reply to a girlfriend's precoital comment about her panties, in "The Cheever Letters" "It's a show about nothing." - Jerry and George, proposing a pilot to NBC, in "The Ticket" "A guy who's about five foot eleven, he's got uh, a big head and flared nostrils." - Kramer, describing Jerry, in "The Movie" "Like, a horse face, big teeth, and a pointed nose." - George, describing Jerry, in "The Movie" "A short guy with glasses, looked like Humpty Dumpty with a melon head." - The ticket lady, describing George, in "The Movie" "A pretty woman, you know, kinda short, big wall of hair, face like a frying pan." - George, describing Elaine, in "The Movie" "Have you seen a tall, lanky dufus with a bird face and hair like the bride of Frankenstein?" - Elaine, describing Kramer, in "The Movie" "Oh, hello... *Newman*..." - Jerry's distasteful greeting to Newman "First, he vomits on me. Then, he burns down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me." - Susan, George's ex-girlfriend, on Kramer, in "The Smelly Car" "Amazing! I drive them to lesbianism, and he brings 'em back!" - George, on Kramer, in "The Smelly Car" "Nothing can be finer than eating in your diner?" - Elaine, reading Jerry's autograph, in "The Bubble Boy" "Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything..." "Y'know, I have friends who try to base their whole life on that principle." "Really? Who?" "Nobody you know..." - George and Jerry, in "The Junior Mints" "If I had a son, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer." - Kramer, in "The Handicapped Spot" "Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?" - Elaine to Jerry, in "The Stakeout" "What is that, a Pez Dispenser!?" - Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser" "I don't want a movie hot dog. I want a Papaya King hot dog!" - Kramer, in "The Movie" "George, you're sappin' my strength." - Elaine, in "The Movie" "Do you think I need to lose some weight? "Weight? No, you just need some height." - Pat and Jerry, in "The Movie" "No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring. Do you understand the difference?" - Jerry, to his annoying colleague Pat, in "The Movie" "No, I don't want to go to a mini-plex multi-theater! It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POW's to show them propaganda films." - Elaine, in "The Movie" "Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off." - Elaine, in "The Movie" "Can I have a medium diet coke?" "Do you want the medium size or the middle size?" "What's the difference?" "Well, we have three sizes - medium, large and jumbo." "What happened to the small?" "There is no small. Small's medium." "What's medium?" "Medium's large and large is jumbo." "Okay, give me the large." "That's medium." "Right. Can I have a small popcorn?" "There is no small. Child-size is small." "What's medium?" "Adult." "Do adults ever order the child-size?" "Not usually." "Okay, give me the adult." "Do you want butter?" "Is it real butter?" "It's butter flavoring." "What is it made of?" "It's yellow." - Elaine and a woman behind the snack counter, in "The Movie" "I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate -- I've got it all!" - George, trying to impress a date, in "The Visa" "She needs a little tenderness, a little understanding.... She needs a little Kramer." - Kramer, in "The Library" "I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works: the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker." - Jerry, in "The Airport" "You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!" - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Airport" "I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup." - George, in "The Airport" "I like to stop at the duty free shop!" - George and Kramer, singing, in "The Airport" "Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees!" - Kramer to George, in "The Airport" "You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We must go forward, not back." - George, in "The Airport" "You know what? They got the fudge on the bottom - ya see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eating your ice cream." - Jerry, eating a sundae, in "The Airport" "More anything?" "More everything!" - Airline attendant and Jerry, who is enjoying his first class meal, in "The Airport" "Oh, you got *cookies*!" - Elaine, sneaking into first class, in "The Airport" "You scared me!" "It's just me." "That's enough!" - Jerry and Kramer, bumping into each other in Jerry's apartment, in "The Keys" "You were so fast with those keys." - Jerry's date, in "The Keys" "I broke the covenant of the keys." - Kramer, returning Jerry's keys, in "The Keys" "I was clinging to those keys, man, like a branch on the banks of a raging river, and now I have let go and I'm free to go with the current, to float, and I thank you." - Kramer, in "The Keys" "Having the keys to Jerry's apartment - that kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house it was like a vacation: better food, better view, better TV, cleaner, oh, *much* cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in the twilight, living in the shadows, living in the darkness... like you." "Me?!" "Oh, I can barely see you, George." "Stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out." - Kramer and George, in "The Keys" "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?" "I like to get the Daily News." - Kramer and George, in "The Keys" "I gotta get some new friends." - Elaine, in "The Keys" "Hey Kramer, have you ever killed a man?!" "What do you think Junior? You think these hands - they've been soaking in Ivory Liquid?" - Punk dude and Kramer, in "The Keys" "Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middleman. You were gonna give her her spare keys and she was gonna give 'em to me. So all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours you didn't give her hers because then she would've given them to me. So then I would never have had to ask you for hers so I could get mine." "You're right. How did I miss that? (mumbling) Maybe cuz' it's a crock o' sh...." "What's that?" "Nothing." "I heard something..." - Jerry and George, in "The Keys" "It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like." - George, in "The Fix-Up" "Are my nostrils getting bigger?" - Jerry, in "The Fix-Up" "I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive." "So, hopelessness is the key?" "It's my only hope." - George and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up" "Order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up." - Cynthia, in "The Fix-Up" "Your standards are too high." "I went out with you." "That's because my standards are too low." - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up" "You wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook." - Jerry, in "The Fix-Up" "I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is important to me." - George, in "The Fix-Up" "The next one of you that opens up your mouth and says something, you're gonna have to deal with me!" - Kramer, breaking up a fight between Jerry and George, in "The Fix-Up" "I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend." "She's not bitter." "Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted." - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Fix-Up" "Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft..." - Jerry, trying to remember where a woman works, in "The Stakeout" "This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!" - Jerry, in "The Stakeout" "So, um, do you date immature men? - Jerry, to Vanessa, in "The Stakeout" "When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?" - Jerry, in "The Stakeout" "You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!" - George, trying to get rid of his current girlfriend, in "The Outing" "Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? "Living or all time?" "All time." "Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev." "I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?" "Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle." "I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree." - Elaine, Jerry and George, in "The Outing" "I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-stepping past me: 'C'mon Jerry, go along, go along...'" - Jerry to George, in "The Outing" "Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat." "And you get along well with women." "I guess that leaves me in the clear..." - Jerry, Elaine and George, on why some people might thing Jerry is gay, in "The Outing" "Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since."