From: Automatic digest processor To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 9 Dec 2000 to 10 Dec 2000 (#2000-347) Date: Sunday, December 10, 2000 2:01 AM There are 10 messages totalling 572 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Grounds for Divorce? 2. Reindeer 3. A Few Smiles 4. 'Twas The Night Before Christmas - Jewish Style 5. Christmas Lights 6. If College Students Wrote The Bible: 7. Xmas party 8. A look into the future: 9. Voting in Florida 10. Lovable Louise (off to prudes) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2000 06:26:22 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Grounds for Divorce? - A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2. - A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission." - A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language." - A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house." - A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2000 08:24:21 -0700 From: Emko Witteveen Subject: Reindeer According to the Canadian Northwest Territorial Department of Wildlife, both male and female caribou, commonly known as reindeer (rangifer tarandus), grow antlers in the summer each year(the only members of the deer family to have females do so). Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Dancer to Blitzen........and on foggy nights, Rudolph had to be female. It doesn't take a biological scientist to know this when they were able to find their way. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2000 10:48:54 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: A Few Smiles NEWS FLASH! JAPAN SENDS THE U.S. 50,000,000 CASES OF VIAGRA. THEY HEARD THAT THE ENTIRE COUNTRY CAN'T GET AN ELECTION!!! ============================================================================== A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate." ============================================================================= "Did you hear about the two university students who sued their university because the math in their computer course was too hard?" Jay Leno asks. "They won $1,000, but the school got the last laugh. They gave the kids $700 and told them it was $1,000." ============================================================================== "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60, and it's the law." ....Jerry Seinfield ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2000 11:20:47 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas - Jewish Style 'Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews, My girlfriend and me- we had nothing to do. The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care, Secure in the knowledge St. Nick would be there. But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down, There was nothing but boredom all over town. The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight; There weren't any concerts to got to that night. A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing, But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing. Outside the window sat two feet of snow; With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below. And while all I could do was sit there and brood, My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!" So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots. We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down. And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown. In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!" We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside. Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high With the finest of foods their money could buy: There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,) Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice, Whole fish and moo shi and "shrimp" chow mee foon, And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu.... When at last we decided, and the waiter did call, We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all. And when in due time the food was all made, It came to the table in a sort of parade. Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls, And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls. The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild, And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled. So much piled up, one dish after the other, My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another! Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils, While they handed us something that looked like two pencils. We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas And barely had room for our fortune cookies. But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood When it said: "Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!." And my girlfriend-well ... she got a real winner; Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner." Our bellies were full and at last it was time To travel back home and write some bad rhyme Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak About trying to refine our chopstick technique). The MSG spun round and round in our heads, As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said, As we carried our leftovers home through the night; "Good Yom Tov to all-and to all a Good Night!" [Thanks to David Lieb] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2000 11:29:36 EST From: SSibert911@AOL.COM Subject: Christmas Lights Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? Six's Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. (He is rarely wrong on these things.) We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of "Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree." "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..." "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try." "What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?" "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker." "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father." "Give me that!" "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top." "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!" "You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?" "Have you been drinking?" "Where's the cat?" Sandy (AKA Ms Sam) http://chucklesofchoice.com ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2000 13:00:33 -0500 From: The Punk With The Stutter Subject: If College Students Wrote The Bible: The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font. A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov. Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2000 10:42:53 -1000 From: Mickey&Karen Subject: Xmas party =20 =20 FROM: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone DATE: December 1 RE: Christmas Party =20 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a = small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't = be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! =20 ** =20 FROM: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party =20 In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish = employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often = coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now? =20 ** =20 FROM: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party =20 Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I = supposed to handle this? Anybody? Somebody? =20 ** =20 FROM: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party =20 What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our = Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal = until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or = else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that = work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? =20 ** =20 FROM: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party =20 So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to = do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? =20 ** =20 FROM: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party =20 People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on = Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? =20 ** =20 FROM: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party =20 Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of = death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, = including hydroponics tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm = hearing them scream right now! =20 ** =20 FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director TO: Everyone DATE: December 14 RE: Mickey Hennigan and Holiday Party =20 I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Mickey Hennigan a speedy = recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has = decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd = off with full pay. =20 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2000 16:41:39 -0500 From: "Aditya, the Cheerful Hindu Skeptic" Subject: A look into the future: George W. Bush: Goofed at his inauguration by saying, "I'm tired of people treating the presidency like it's some kind of federal job." Created international incident when he called the Chinese prime minister Hop Sing. Defeated in 2004 by Democrat Warren Beatty. Al Gore: Never did concede election. Went into seclusion in Tennessee, where he attempted to file patents on ATMs, Barbie and instant oatmeal. Wife Tipper eventually had him committed to a sanitarium. He spent final years ordering nurses at Pleasant Days Ahead to bomb Yugoslavia. Joe Lieberman: Went back to U.S. Senate and continued campaign against Hollywood smut. Resigned after photos surfaced on the Internet depicting him in compromising positions with Dr. Laura. Dick Cheney: Scared children at the 2001 White House Christmas party with his dark portrayal of Santa Claus. Wanted to declare war on Iraq again but nobody would let him. Grabbed his chest and keeled over when his daughter showed up at White House dinner with Ellen DeGeneres. President George W. Bush raised eyebrows at the funeral when he said, "It wasn't a heart attack, and I fully expect Dick to resume his duties as vice president later this week." Warren Christopher: Distinguished life and career came to an untimely end when he fell asleep in a subway station. Mistaken for dead, he was cremated. Al Gore raised eyebrows at the funeral when he referred to Christopher as "my secretary of state" and credited him with inventing the United Nations. After delivering the eulogy, Gore stunned observers by grabbing wife Tipper for an open-mouth kiss. James A. Baker III: As a reward for his loyalty, Baker was allowed to secretly run the country during the term of George W. Bush, a job he also held during the Reagan administration. After leaving politics, Baker became the new voice for Mr. Burns on "The Simpsons." Jeb Bush: Bush loses his reelection bid to Green Party candidate Fidel Castro, blaming the defeat on a butterfly ballot used in Miami-Dade. Later was appointed U.S. attorney general by his big brother. Other department heads ruffled his hair and called him Bobby at Cabinet meetings. Bill Clinton: Compromise proposal to remain president the rest of his life rejected. Allegedly pinched Laura Bush at inauguration. Divorced by wife Hillary. Spent final years as a broken man, running Po Boy Billy's BBQ stand in Arkansas. Katherine Harris: Became a partner with Tammy Faye in developing line of beauty-care products called Sensuous Republican. Nominated as best supporting actress for her portrayal of the Borg Queen. Achieved lifelong ambition in 2028 when President Tom Feeney appointed her as ambassador to Chad. Chief Justice Charles Wells: Florida Supreme Court jurist left bench to star in WB courtroom show: "Judge Chuck!" Issued landmark ruling in 2005 that said a wife who has a sex-change operation and sleeps with her husband's sister is not entitled to alimony. Ruling was overturned by U.S. Supreme Court. It's a good thing for God that Gore wasn't elected. Can you imagine being implored by the daily prayers of millions of Jews for a Gore heart attack, nothing serious, just enough to force early retirement? Have a peaceful and joyous day. Aditya Mishra Primary email: a018967t@bc.seflin.org Primary homepage: http://www.pompano.net/~aditya ICQ # 1131674 Phone #: (954)746-0442 Fax # (209)315-8571 Random thought of the day: In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2000 21:06:29 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Voting in Florida Not too far into the past, President Bill Clinton , Monica's boyfriend, insisted that "if there was no penetration, there was no sex"......... therefore, it seems like it should follow: If the ballot is not penetrated, there is no vote. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 10 Dec 2000 00:51:56 -0500 From: Jack Shea Subject: Lovable Louise (off to prudes) "A Christmas Story: Lovable Louise" As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-boyfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Dec 2000 to 10 Dec 2000 (#2000-347) ***********************************************************