From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, November 18, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 17 Nov 2000 to 18 Nov 2000 (#2000-324) There are 12 messages totalling 660 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Elephant 2. I mite as well get stuffed TWO....(aDULLt) let us pray for PLAIN TEXT 3. The Magic Ballot Theory 4. Weddings 5. An Irishman, Doctored 6. More Songs From Election 2000 7. COMPUTER "THANKFUL" LIST 8. Puns of the Weak 9. The Newspaper 10. Here We go Again... 11. definations 12. THE DAY OF THE ELECTION ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 09:49:29 +0200 From: Felix Chirciu Subject: The Elephant A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance, their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, not that." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No, Mom. Down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. "That's the elephant's trunk, son." "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No. Down there." The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* that woman." Felix --- "Sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 03:16:07 -0600 From: RANEBOUX Subject: I mite as well get stuffed TWO....(aDULLt) let us pray for PLAIN TEXT "Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby. "Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate. "Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?" "Gobble, gobble, gobble!" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-====-=--=-== I.C.A.Q.A.Q.I.C.I.8.2.Q.B.4.I.P RANEBOUX :--> http://www.geocities.com/raneboux_voodew http://www.topica.com/lists/RANEBOUXoFUNNYPAPERS funnypapers...it's alive @ll:::::{}{}{}{}{}{}{}:::::ll@ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 06:50:55 -0500 From: The Punk With The Stutter Subject: The Magic Ballot Theory The Magic Ballot Theory Why Buchanan was just a patsy From modernhumorist.com REPUBLICAN OFFICIALS would have you believe that invalid ballots, like the ones double-punched in Palm Beach, are as commonplace as law-abiding gun owners. But consider this: In order to punch both the Gore and Buchanan holes, a voter's stylus would have had to enter and exit at angles only the most skilled stylus-user could achieve. A single retiree, acting alone, would have had to punch both holes in less than three minutes to escape notice, a near-impossible feat. Here are several alternative theories gaining currency among America’s most eagle-eyed political observers, the paranoid fringe. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- The Mind Control Theory In a series of top-secret experiments, a former director of the CIA (codename "Herbert") dosed thousands of unwitting Florida civilians with mind-control drugs including LSD, MDMA and Fox News. The subjects were manipulated into performing a series of irrational, if not insane acts, such as voting for Pat Buchanan. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- The Miami Fraud Machine Theory This election is covered with the fingerprints of Gloria and Emilio Estefan, the powerful duo behind resurgent Cuban-American activism, the Elian appeals process and "Words Get in the Way." When asked about the Democrats’ chances last month, Emilio Estefan cryptically replied, "The rhythm is gonna get them." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- The Bermuda Triangle Theory Did you know that there is a long history of both ocean-going vessels and aircraft getting lost forever in the Bermuda Triangle? So did George W. Bush. That's why he lured 30,000 elderly black Floridians onto a flying saucer and ordered its pilot to head east. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- The Elian Factor Theory Vice President Gore’s flip-flop on the Elian issue angered the Cuban community and all the dolphins that protected the boy from sharks. Enraged Delphinus delphis and Tursiops truncatuse spirited their boy-king from Havana, distracted the Coast Guard by posing as mermaids and then slipped ashore in Palm Beach. There, the aquatic mammals used their bottlenoses to poke extra holes in approximately 19,000 ballots. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- The Dead People on the Rolls Theory Officials have long joked that, like Chicago in 1960, a lot of dead people tend to vote in central Florida. Only this time it was literally true, as the ghost of Mel Carnahan rallied the dead to rise from their graves and ward off the Republican threat. As the walking dead possess poor motor skills, they tended to vote mistakenly for Buchanan. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Sleight-of-Hand Theory While the nation was focusing its attention on one part of Florida, thousands of sleight-of-hand magicians were messing everything up in another part of Florida. Then the reverse. Want to know how they did it? Here, they'll do it again, this time more slowly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- The Jeb Bush Theory Many years ago in a highly guarded Texas facility, Florida Governor Jeb Bush was ejected from the vaginal canal of one Barbara Bush, better known as the mother of George W. Bush, Republican candidate for president. Coincidence? Not if former President George Herbert Walker Bush's semen has anything to say about it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- The Boys from Buchanan Theory Inside the cranium of "Ezola Foster" is the still-beating brain of Adolf Hitler. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- The Skull and Bones Theory When George W. Bush was a member of the Skull and Bones society, he declared to his fellow Skulls: "It is very important to me to be a major success by the time I am 55." Decades later, Bush campaigned extremely hard and did his very best to win the election. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 08:56:56 -0500 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Weddings Satan on Weddings by David Neilsen (c) The Brunching Shuttlecocks Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about proper Wedding Etiquette. Kids, when you're invited to a wedding, it should be treated as the utmost honor. The Bride and Groom have asked you to be with them at the most special moment of their lives, and to take that lightly is crude, boorish, and a guaranteed ticket to eternal damnation. When I take a personal interest in the torture of a particular immortal soul and invite them into my personal domain for an eon of uninterrupted pain, they know that this is a special offer, I can't oversee the misery of everyone, and they are touched by more than just toxic maggots that gnaw their way through their genitals, they are touched by my compassion. Speaking of invites, let's tackle this tricky little number, shall we? When the wedding invite arrives, it should be answered promptly. Whether you intend to attend or not, a speedy reply shows that you care, you're thoughtful, and is a good way to stay out of Hell. Of course, when an invite arrives in Hell, it usually devours you whole, or slashes your belly open with a massive paper cut, allowing your innards to ooze out into to your terror-ridden hands, the sound of your screams providing all the reply necessary. But most invites will simply include a self-addressed stamped envelope. Now that you've accepted the invitation, you need to find a gift for the lucky Bride and Groom. Most couples will have registered their desires at a store such as Macy's, Robinson's May, or Target. Find out where they are registered and go shopping! Of course, if you are particularly close to the couple, you may consider a more personal gift. Often times I will be invited to a wedding for an archangel or a sub-level Demon and will go outside the registry and provide a nice crystal vase, an exquisite set of candlesticks or a flaming pitchfork encrusted with the entrails of the damned, depending on the wedding. Remember, the right gift for the right couple. Now that you've selected your gift, be it a set of wine glasses, a formal dining place setting, or a still-throbbing human kidney, it's time to attend the happy occasion. Remember, this is an important time for the couple, and should be treated as such. Certain behavior, such as toe-tapping, humming or vomiting blood can be seen as rude, disrespectful, and can lead you straight to Hell. Many times, as I've prepared to marry the latest Bride of Satan, someone's cries of complete and utter horror grew so imposing, I was forced to have that soul swallowed whole by a flame-breathing multi-headed demon where they would spend eternity slowly dissolving in the demon's stomach, and that's never a pleasant scene. Trust me, no one likes a disturbance at a wedding, so be respectful. After the ceremony is the reception, and that means one thing: Free Food! I try to make my weddings memorable, and the food is often plates of fried human membranes covered in a white wine and entrails, or perhaps the roasted skull of the guest's children, but most weddings won't be as fancy, and you'll probably end up with chicken. Keep these thoughts in mind and you're sure to enjoy wedding after wedding, basking in the glow of impending doom, since I get more people who have forever damned themselves through the adultery commandment than the other nine put together. I'm Satan, see ya later! (c) The Brunching Shuttlecocks http://www.brunching.com/features/satanonweddings.html *********************** As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent. -- Socrates ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 09:52:04 -0500 From: chaps Subject: An Irishman, Doctored An Irish bloke goes to the doctor: "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible". he says, "there is a $20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 note appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" suggests the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand" Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 09:47:41 -0500 From: Jim Mica Subject: More Songs From Election 2000 The pundits have been telling us that the political campaign song is dead! Well nutz to them. The folk geist is at work again as witnessed by these two post-modern, post-electional campaign songs. Would that I knew the authors!!! jhm ==================================== THE PALM BEACH POKEY You put your stylus in, You put your stylus out, You put your stylus in, And you punch Buchanan out. You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That's what it's all about! You put the Gore votes in, You put the Bush votes out, You put the Gore votes in, And you do another count. You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That's what it's all about! You bring your lawyers in, You drag the whole thing out, You bring your lawyers in, And you put it all in doubt. You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That's what it's all about! You let your doctors spin, You let the pundits spout, You let your doctors spin, And your people whine and pout. You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That's what it's all about! You do the Palm Beach Pokey, You do the Palm Beach Pokey, You do the Palm Beach Pokey, That's what it's all about! ------------------------------- The Twelve Days of Voting 1. On the First day of voting, my party gave to me - a recount in Palm Beach by the sea. 2. On the Second day of voting, my party gave to me - two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea. 3. On the Third day of voting, my party gave to me - A three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea. 4. On the Fourth day of voting, my party gave to me - Four biased liberals, a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea. 5. On the Fifth day of voting, my part gave to me - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased liberals, a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea. 6. On the Sixth day of voting, my party gave to me - Six lawyers leaping - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased liberals, a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea. 7. On the Seventh day of voting, my party gave to me - Seven punch holes for popping, six lawyers leaping - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased liberals, a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea. 8. On the Eighth day of voting, my party gave to me - Eight tons of BS - Seven punch holes for popping, six lawyers leaping - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased liberals, a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea. 9. On the Ninth day of voting, my party gave to me - Nine absentee ballots - Eight tons of BS - Seven punch holes for popping, six lawyers leaping - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased liberals, a three ring circus, two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea. 10. On the Tenth day of voting, my party gave to me - Ten tumbling lawsuits - Nine absentee ballots - Eight tons of BS - Seven punch holes for popping, six lawyers leaping - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased liberals, a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea. 11. On the Eleventh day of voting, my party gave to me - Eleven overseas ballots - Ten tumbling lawsuits - Nine absentee ballots - Eight tons of BS - Seven punch holes for popping, six lawyers leaping - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased liberals, a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea. 12. On the Twelfth day of voting, my party gave to me - Twelve circuit judges - Eleven overseas ballots - Ten tumbling lawsuits - Nine absentee ballots - Eight tons of BS - Seven punch holes for popping, six lawyers leaping - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased liberals, a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters, and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 10:35:47 EST From: SSibert911@AOL.COM Subject: COMPUTER "THANKFUL" LIST ~ Be thankful your computer isn't down! ~ Be thankful your server isn't down! ~ Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down! ~ Be thankful you don't have "The Good Times Virus"! ~ Be thankful you haven't been spammed! ~ Be thankful you have online friends who don't think you are out of your mind for talking on your computer! ~ Be thankful no one knows who you really are! ~ Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72! ~ Be thankful your cyber-lover is the right sex! ~ Be thankful someone sent you a cyber-thanksgiving dinner from http://www.mailameal.com/ and it wasn't overcooked! ~ Be thankful someone sent you a cyber-sundae loaded with yummy stuff and you didn't gain a pound! ~ Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll! AND ~ Be thankful someone thought of the Humor Digest ... brightening all our lives everyday! Sandy (AKA Ms Sam) http://chucklesofchoice.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 16:39:17 +0000 From: Gerry Skau Subject: Puns of the Weak When the English romantic poet's girlfriend got pregnant with twins, he wanted her to have an abortion, but she refused and wouldn't budgie. Eventually they had a pair-o-Keats. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 12:57:43 -0500 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: The Newspaper To make sure the newspaper got out in time, the management made sure that the folks working the overnight shift were fed. After all, at the time, there weren't any all night diners open in the town. To get around this, the company provided trays of sandwich fixings and snacks for the city desk reporters and staff. One morning, as he was just getting ready to start on his last article, a hungry editor turned to a reporter and asked if there was any food left. "Yeah, I think there's a piece of cake left, but it's not for you." "Why not?" asked the editor. "Because you can't have your cake and edit, too!" [By Cathleen Shoemaker] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 13:30:10 -0500 From: Patrick Ash Subject: Here We go Again... NEW YORK (AP) --The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series. The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union. We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers, said the Mets batting coach. We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit. One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches. Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year. The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit, said the Mets batting coach. The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely. Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game. While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series, the commissioner said. Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games. It's clear that we were on-base slightly more often than the Yankees, said a Mets spokesman. The World Series crown is rightly ours. The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 08:46:58 -1000 From: Mickey&Karen Subject: definations Marriage: The evil aye. Lesbian Cocktail Lounge: A her-she bar. Madam: Someone for whom the belles toil. Man Hater: A girl who makes love with her eyes closed because she can't stand to see a guy having a good time. Nice Girl: One who whispers sweet nothing-doings in your ear. Optimist: A husband who goes down to the marriage license bureau to see if maybe his has expired. Pajamas: Item of clothing laid by the bed in case of fire. Nudism: Exposure with composure. *********************** Shouldn't the definition of "unless" be "more"? ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2000 22:00:58 -0500 From: Aditya Mishra Subject: THE DAY OF THE ELECTION THE DAY OF THE ELECTION 'Twas the day of the election, when all through the land the people were voting by machine or by hand. The candidates had returned to their home states again with hopes for a victory, a belief that they'd win. And George with his Cheney, and Al with his Leiber, were watching returns, and it wasn't a sleeper. The Republicans tuned up their voting machine to get out lots of votes, they hoped some would be Green. The donkeys were kickin', and elephants stompin', but what was this Green thing in the fields that was rompin'? A spoiler Dems called him. George thought "He's not bad," He liked Ralph so much he even bought him some ads. Oregon looked like it might be the ticket but it wound up in Florida that they just couldn't pick it. It looked like Al won; exit polls all agreed. But Jeb called his brother, "That's not what I see!" They pulled Florida back; the networks all listened. But neither could win with Florida missin'. When what to my wondering ears should I hear, but a ballot with two marks where one should appear. Vote Bush! Vote Gore! Vote Nader, and Browne! Vote Buchanan! Vote Harris, any more to be found? Vote for two, vote for three, vote for any amount. George won't win in Palm Beach, he doesn't want them to count. With this many candidates how do you list them? Alphabetical? No, flip a coin and then mix them! They must go from top to the bottom, understood? OK, but let's mix them, and mix them up good. The ballot's not legal, but county leaders said fine. George said "I like this, those votes were not mine". He tried his best to act very regal, but it's hard to take charge when the ballot's not legal. "I have an idea," shouted George with glee "I'll win the election. It'll be fair, you'll see." "Let's toss a coin, let a quarter decide. If it's heads then Al loses, if it's tails I preside." "Hold on there a minute," said Al with a grin, "Let's count them again, and I bet that I'll win." But George said "No, I want an injunction!" (Without all these lawyers we just couldn't function). "Don't hand count," said George, "That's just too much work. I liked the first count, double voters are jerks." But after you've made a mistake, what to do? Are there extra ballots for all those who need two? Well, not really, but don't worry about a hole or a dent You can have another ballot if you're the top one percent. And what about this Electoral College? That sounds like a place where there ought to be knowledge. Maybe they'll think that the winner should win, (or maybe they won't cause the margin's too thin). Don't know how it will end, but I know it's not right When so much is at stake and the vote is this tight. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Nov 2000 to 18 Nov 2000 (#2000-324) ************************************************************