From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, September 24, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 23 Sep 2000 to 24 Sep 2000 (#2000-268) There are 9 messages totalling 424 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Sounds like my kind of luck! 2. "Puns of the Weak" 9/22/00 3. Yea, Verily... 4. Not Until 5. [Fwd: Word count] 6. One of *Those* Kind of Nights 7. Old Folks' Games 8. Management vs. The Light Bulb 9. Who reads these newspapers? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2000 02:30:22 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Sounds like my kind of luck! Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.) One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5. At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking. Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2000 02:07:12 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: "Puns of the Weak" 9/22/00 •Archer Hyun-Ji Kang may say she's from Korea now, but Australia is where kangaroo up. (David Reihmer) •"Through the night with the light from a bulb" ("Through the night with a light from above" Kate Smith, Irving Berlin, "God Bless America") •What does the San Diego Charger secondary and NBC at the Olympics have in common? Lot's of blown coverage! (Ken Pinkham) •Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound! (TISTPF) •Too bad Kerri Strug didn't break her leg down there instead. It would have instantly aussie-fied. (David Reihmer) •Why do skunks show up at the voting place on Election Day? They are poll cats? (By Cynthia MacGregor) •When the fog burns off, it won't be mist. (Pun of the Day) •Said the circus manager to the human cannonball, "You can't quit! Where will I find another man of you caliber?" (Very Punny) •The sum total of the national debt is some total. (Richard Lederer) •Armor: A knight gown (Stan Kegel) •My dog keeps digging under the fence to run away. He's using his escape claws. (Gill Krebs) •Terrorize: “If Katie doesn't stop pulling hair I'll terrorize out of her” (Helen Hoke) •When he's plastered he's a bundle of laths. (Alan F. G. Lewis) •"Whoops, another power failure," said Tom, delightedly. (Richard Lederer) •Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. •Stereo speakers are made by 'high volume' manufacturers. (Pun of the Day) •They thought it was true love but it was just a passion fancy. (ISIPF) •Why was the broom late? It over swept! (Daily Groaner) •Aging rabbis tend to get gray around the temples. (Richard Lederer) •Car salesmen compete trying to sell for the lease amount. (Mike Bull) •To determine weather it would rain, the meteorologist kept horizon the sky. (Greg Evans) •Thanksgiving is over two months away, but I've already prepared the stuffing. No wonder I have so much thyme on my hands. (David Reihmer) •Dermatologist: A person who makes rash judgments. (Syman Hirsch) •Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming. (Stan Kegel) •My wife is an angel, always harpin' at me. (David Reihmer) •“I’m not guilty!” said Tom without conviction. (Art Shay) •If you operate a drill press, you have a boring job. (Pun of the Day) •If the months were made shorter, we wouldn't have so much month left over at the end of the money. (Syman Hirsch) • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. •Technically speaking, a programmer's favorite subject with his boss is usually arrays. (Mike Bull) •My husband is really good in bed. He can sleep for days! (Rodney and Cathy) •Mucus: A cat swear word. (Randall Woodman) •I was so frightened by that horror novel I gothic to my stomach. •Budget: An attempt to live below your yearnings. (Syman Hirsch) •“I heard you and your wife were drifting apart.” “We were. We bought a used water bed and it sprang a leak.” (Frank Stewart) •In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. (Deb at The Rave) • "I've inherited a fortune," said Tom, willfully (Richard Lederer) •Companies that don't ship enough coal will be undermined. (Wee Flea) •The King Of The Beasts was fired for lion down on the job. (Tim Bruening) They shouldn’t have fired him! Lion down is his mane job. (Pam Shorey) It was a real blow to his pride. (Robert E. Lewis) •"Dat's de end of April," said Tom in dismay. (PUNAmerican Newsletter) •Those who make motor oil are very refined. (Pun of the Day) •The soldier on KP ended up pan-handling. (Jumble) •Meteorologist: An hefty surgeon who specializes in diseases of the Kidney and bladder. (Dan Grubbs) •Spare Ribs: What everybody else has except Adam. (Johnny Hart) •Conversion: Sects Change Operation (M. Rose Pierce) •I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" (Steven Wright) •"I wiped out on that big wave," Tom said crestfallen. (Tiff Wimberly) •Love triangles have three sides. Add a side and they become wreck tangles. (The International Save the Pun Foundation) •Lingarie: Gay Nighties (Leopold Fechtner) •Cavewoman to husband: "Don't just stand there. Slay something." (Very Punny) •After the wild game, dinner the taxidermist felt stuffed. (Jumble) •A carpenter varnished without a trace (Pun of the Day) •You're never going to believe this but "Bob" isn't my real name," said Bob hopelessly. (Gary Hallock) •Ohio: A greeting, as in, "Ohio?" "Oh, Hi! Oh, Fine! How are *you*?" •How did short pilgrims arrive in Ameica? In shrimp boats. (James D. Ertner) •July: That’s not the truth (Stan Kegel) •Those who work on reducing auto emissions go home exhausted. (Mike Bull) •Feb. 14, 1915 the first book on watch making was written. everyone said it was about time. (Bob Weaver) •One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. (ArcaMax) •"Tread lightly with Fred Firestone. He's dealing with a trial separation and can't a ford more pressure right now." (Jenni Saqua) •"What do you mean we don't communicate? Just yesterday I faxed you a reply to the recorded message you left on my answering machine." • "Doctor, Doctor, sometimes my child just sits there and doesn't say anything!!" Said the Doctor, "That's perfectly normal; he's just going through aphasia." Then the doctor asked her to pay her bill. "Sorry" she said. "I'm Broca." (Howelll Gwin, Jr.) •Headline: Two convicts evade noose, jury hung. (Syman Hirsch) •"I saw that man remove my ballot from the box," said Tom devotedly. •Parent: Night Care Provider (Michael Fry) •Donut shop employees have a glazed look. (Kevin Fagin) •Complex numbers are unreal. (Pierre Abbat) •Oh come Orff it. Don't go Haydn your light under a bushel. You can duet. I'd help but I'm too Bizet. (Bev Sykes) •Christmas: That time of the year when mother has to separate the men from the toys (Lee Daniel Quinn) •"1 love eating crow,” said Tom, ravenously (Richard Lederer) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2000 08:38:26 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Yea, Verily... And the Lord sayeth, so will I confound the people mightily, and into their lives rain knowledge of that which matters not, yet hide from them the simplest of things. For lo! I shall give unto them the Internet. And also will there be much sound and fury, for the Internet will baffle and confuse the people. Yea, few amongst them will know the difference between the Internet and the World Wide Web, or between HTTPs and HTMLs, and the vileness of :-) and :-( will strike them dumb. And the people will gnaw their tongues with pain, and the hair of their flesh will stand up, for they will know not the meaning of the word "spamouflage." And they will be mocked by geeks, yea, and chastised by the dweebish. So in their ignorance will they add "cyber" to all they say, until those around them weary of the word, and smite them under the fifth rib, yea, and call upon them to speak of anything else, lo, even Monica. But the Internet will be filled with wonders. Indeed, web sites there will be in uncounted multitudes, filled with the sayings of those who leave not their basements. Yet web site addresses will be of great length, and filled with letters and signs so that no man shall remember them. And so it is that such an address given in haste will be unclear in the mind the next day. And, behold, my people will find themselves logging in error onto the likes of the Tokyo Toilet Map. And there fear will come upon them, and trembling. But behold the homework of children shall take them into the very bowels of the night, for the Internet will have vast and uncounted references to Warren G. Harding. Yet all must be searched, and the children will tarry there until their beards be grown long. And their parents will fall upon each others' necks and weep, for they are middle-aged, yea, and want to go to bed. Yet the children will moveth [sic] not from their computers, and will withhold themselves from speaking unto others, and will eateth up only pizza, lo, in vast amounts. And they will bathe not also, and woe, smell like unto the beasts of the field, and their stench will become an affliction and a calamity to all those about them. And, lo, neither will they dateth. And online there will be all manner of advice. And the people will do as they are told to do, and eat what they are told to eat, and take all medicines that are spoken of by strangers, whom they knowest not. So also the number of TV and movie web sites will be legion, and with them, publicity photos without number, and many shall groan, for Charlie's Angels were a noisome pestilence, yea, even in olden times. And verily, also will there be images of William Shatner without his toupee, and yea, the faithful at Star Trek sites will cry out in anguish, and their knees knock together in rage. And I will scatter Links in all places also, so that nothing will be written that does not include boldfaced connections to yet other sites. So naught will be read from start to finish, for Links will seduce even the most righteous amongst the people. And so it is that they will begin attempting to learn basketball scores, but will be led off into desolate places, and wander from Link to Link, yet they will know not if the Knicks beat the Celtics. But this will stop no one. Nor will the busy signals, nor the cost, nor yea, verily, the mighty tribulation of hookup. For there are still to be explored the toilets of Tokyo. ******************** Some settling of contents may have occurred during transmission. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2000 08:57:26 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Not Until A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car". The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him wanting a new bike. "Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your bike." Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a tricycle. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster mating one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself. His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that." The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that damn tractor gets paid off!" http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2000 09:00:01 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: [Fwd: Word count] A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- I don't need a life...I have a wife. Get paid to surf the net. Join All Advantage. Sign up today. http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=IFI-810 Need a tagline? Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/ ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2000 10:01:42 EDT From: SSibert911@AOL.COM Subject: One of *Those* Kind of Nights A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." Sandy (AKA Ms Sam) http://chucklesofchoice.com ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2000 12:59:33 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Old Folks' Games Top 10 Party Games for Old Folks 1. Sag, You're It 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 3. 20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear 4. Kick the Bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over 6. Doc, Doc, Goose 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent 8. Hide and Go Pee 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10. Musical Recliner ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2000 12:12:15 -0600 From: Emko Witteveen Subject: Management vs. The Light Bulb Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb? A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue. -- This message is done on 100% recycled electrons. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2000 16:20:45 -0400 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: Who reads these newspapers? 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Sep 2000 to 24 Sep 2000 (#2000-268) ************************************************************