From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, September 10, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 9 Sep 2000 to 10 Sep 2000 (#2000-254) There are 4 messages totalling 238 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. "Puns of the Weak" 9/8/00 2. Dog Training 3. What A Difference 30 Years Can Make!!! 4. The Prospective Juror ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 9 Sep 2000 02:32:56 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: "Puns of the Weak" 9/8/00 •Do I have to pay my ghost writers a living wage? (Tim Bruening) •How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel? You put lox on it. •Noah floated a loan while the rest of the world was in liquidation. (CCHBOOO) •The Bronte sisters all wrote novels and poems. They were engaged in a scribbling rivalry. (Richard Lederer) •I think you're laughing at these gags much too loudly and too early. I think you're suffering from premature joke elation. (Gary Hallock) •I couldn't get any milk at the milk shop so I went to a secondary. •Stage Coach: Drama Instructor (P. C. Swanson) •Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning: “Hands that judicious can be soft as your face” (G A Angel) •"1 have eight children," said Tom, apparently. (Richard Lederer) •Ads: Barnes and Noble: “Our books are bound to sell.” (Stan Kegel) •A tattoo artist has designs on his clients. (Mike Bull) •Gruesome: Became a little taller (Leopold Fechtner) •Unemployment is not working. (Syman Hirsch) •Have you heard about the dragon bully who didn't observe the Sabbath? He only preyed on weak knights. (Richard Lederer) •What does the Daddy buffalo say to his little boy whenever he leaves home? "Bison" (Gary Hallock) •"I come up with many original thoughts" said Tom ideally. (Guy Ben Moshe) •The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. (Lee Daniel Quinn) •Marcel Marceau wanted to be an astronaut but was rejected because a mime is a terrible thing in space. (Stan Kegel) •1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope.(Syman Hirsch) •Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call it mass transit. (Wee Flea) •I am upset for not supplying a pun but I have an ire deficiency and feeling of low self mirth. (Don Sharaf) •I need to cut my fingernails before they get too out of hand. •"I'd like to be a Chinese laborer," said Tom coolly. (Kegel Archives) •Misty: How golfers create divots (Hershy) •Pie R round. Cornbread R square. (Elusis) •"I'm a lion hunter," said Tom, pridefully. (Richard Lederer) •Great aches from little toe corns grow. (Norm Gilbert) •When told she would need a travel visa, she asked if her Master Card was OK! (Jokes N Stuff) •An ant gets stopped by a cop while driving during school hours, The ant asks "Why are you stopping me, officer?" The cop answers, " Because you are a truant.” (Vlad Lenin) •“Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly” (“Deck the Halls with Balls of Holly” Trad. “Deck The Halls”) (Donna Eaker) •My mom asked me why I went fishing every day. I told her I had finally gotten a reel job. (Scot Nelson) •Only Dodge Rams are allowed to make ewe turns. (Dano) •Jealous of our Stealth bombers, Russia has plans to develop one of its own. It'll be called the Optical Ilyushin. (Jay Trachman) •What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution. (MDeA) •As the surgeon said while amputating a mans leg, "I can't work past midnight. I'm down to marrow." (Dano) •An airline made all the happy people sit at the back and the sad ones sit at the front. They wanted to avoid having any tails of woe. (Andy Eastman) •A parsley farmer was sued. They garnished his wages. (Steve Breen) •A: The Gaza Strip Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance? (Irene A. Mystery) •If you're stiff as a board, it could be the lumbar. (Mike Bull) •How do ya kill a circus troupe? Go for the juggler! (Norm Gilbert) •“Forever in debt to The Price is Right” (“Forever in debt to your priceless advise” Nirvana “Heart-Shaped Box”) (David Trevas) •He is a man who has never been known to put two straight lines together, he is truly without parallel. (Gary Hallock) •Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts. (Mike Bull) •I watched a documentary on the middle east last night. From what I could tell, their favorite whine is 'white infidels'. (David Reihmer) •In the psychology department office at Long Island University the mail baskets are labeled "Outgoing" and "Inhibited." (Becky Shiles) •When fabric softener was invented... it made people ex-static (Jest4Pun) •What was the mad Roman emperor's favorite hymn? "Nero My God, to Thee.” (Robert E. Lewis) •Hatchet: What a hen does to an egg. (Leopold Fechtner) •“So, Rabbi, I hear you’re moving to Minnesota this winter.” “Why, yes. I’m going to be part of the frozen chosen.” (Jeff MacNally) •Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. (McMail) •If Cupid sends you a friend and it turns out that he is not Mr. Right, Is your beau an error? (The International Save the Pun Foundation) •"An insulting telegram is a barbed wire." (Pun of the Day) •Most bakers have good manners because they are well bread (Cynthia MacGregor) •Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge (Art. Moger) •“I’m positive this is Vodka,” Tom said Absolutely. (PUNAmerican Newsletter) •Ads: Firestone Tires: "You can't recall a better tire." (Terry Galan) •If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. (Donna Eaker) •Basic Unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower. (Syman Hirsch) •Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about? (E4Fun) •I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me. (Woody Allen) •Robert Fulton was always getting people steamed. (Louis Phillips) •Heroes: What a man does to make a boat move. (Leopold Fechtner) •"This is mutiny!" said Tom bountifully. (Kegel Archives) •Pine trees are Jewish. You can tell by all the Pine Cohens. (Cynthia MacGregor) •What did the dragon say after fighting Sir Lancelot? Mother always said there would be knights like this. (James D. Ertner) •A beauty parlor is a place where men are rare and women well-done. •Ad: Viagra: "We help you rise to the occasion." (Ken Pinkham) •When the glassblower inhaled he got a pane in the stomach. (Mike Bull) •May there be champagne for your real friends, and real pain for your sham friends. (David Reihmer) •"I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon. (thinks.com) •Did you hear about the doctor doll? It operates on batteries. (Bill, 10) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 9 Sep 2000 08:51:59 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Dog Training There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic evangelist. He unburdened his soul to him, and he promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy. The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration. Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch." Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick at his feet. "Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go. "Sure," replies the evangelist. "Heel," says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and says, "I command this sickness to leave you..." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 9 Sep 2000 09:18:40 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: What A Difference 30 Years Can Make!!! 1970: Long Hair 2000: Longing for hair 1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund. 1970: Keg. 2000: EKG. 1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux. 1970: Moving to California because it's cool. 2000: Moving to California because it's warm. 1970: Growing pot. 2000: Growing pot belly. 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 1970: Seeds and stems. 2000: Roughage. 1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel. 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity. 1970: Paar. 2000: AARP. 1970: Killer weed. 2000: Weed killer. 1970: Hoping for a BMW. 2000: Hoping for a BM 1970: The Grateful Dead. 2000: Dr. Kevorkian. 1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. 2000: Getting a new hip joint. 1970: Rolling Stones. 2000: Kidney stones. 1970: Being called into the principal's office. 2000: Calling the principal's office. 1970: Peace sign. 2000: Mercedes logo. 1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved. 1970: Take acid. 2000: Take antacid. 1970: Passing the driver's test. 2000: Passing the vision test. 1970: "Whatever" 2000: "Depends" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 9 Sep 2000 08:36:25 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: The Prospective Juror A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'" "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Sep 2000 to 10 Sep 2000 (#2000-254) ***********************************************************