From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Tuesday, September 05, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Sep 2000 to 5 Sep 2000 (#2000-249) There are 7 messages totalling 329 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Barbara Walters report 2. Why didn't she tell him? 3. Sports Commentators' Brilliant Observations 4. 4 Men & Their Dogs 5. Weird Business News #29 (2nd of 3) 6. Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires 7. The Irrefutable, Incorrigible...Blonde! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 03:19:39 -0400 From: Jack Shea Subject: Barbara Walters report Barbara Walters, American TV reporter, traveled in the 80's to the Middle East to report on sexual roles in Kuwait society. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands as a mark of subservient respect. Walters returned to Kuwait recently and observed that men now walked several yards behind their wives. As she was astonished and delighted, approached one woman and said: "This reversal in cultural attitudes toward women in totally unexpected. Can you tell the free world how it is that Kuwait women have made such revolutionary progress from their traditional role?" "Land mines_," the woman replied with a shrug. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 06:13:51 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Why didn't she tell him? A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 08:49:40 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Sports Commentators' Brilliant Observations 'An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal.' ~Dave Bassett, Sky Sports 'Ardiles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy.' ~Jimmy Magee, RTE 'Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.' ~Kevin Keegan, Radio 5 live 'This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.' ~Ted Walsh ( Horse Racing Commentator) 'I would not say he ( David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.' ~Ron Atkinson 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces.' ~Ron Atkinson 'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.' ~Ron Atkinson 'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.' ~Ian Wright commenting on his teammate's alcoholism) 'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' ~Ian Rush 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.' ~Harry Carpenter (BBC TV Boat Race 1977) 'Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists.' ~David Vine 'Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.' ~David Coleman 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' ~Metro Radio '....and later we will have action from the men's coxless pairs...' ~Sue Barker 'Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of.' ~David Coleman Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' Chris Eubank: 'On what ? ' 'Sex is an anti-climax after that!' ~Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald 'Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that' ~Desmond Lynam 'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.' ~Ruud Gullit 'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' ~Ron Atkinson 'For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip' ~John Motson 'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' ~David Acfield 'What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?' ~Stuart Hall (Radio 5 live) 'We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival' ~Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich 'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona' ~Mark Draper (Aston Villa) 'There goes Juantorena down the backstraight, opening his legs and showing his class' ~David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics 'And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's' ~ David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day '...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion' ~John Arlott 'These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them' ~Gary McCord - on the greens at Augusta 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?' ~ USTV commentator 'They'll be watching him (Mike Tyson) with a fine toothcomb from now on' ~CNN Sports commentator ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 09:32:00 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: 4 Men & Their Dogs Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third man a Chemist, and the fourth a Government worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff!" T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that T-Square was pretty smart! But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, show 'em how smart you are!" Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen, and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed, that was good! But the Chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your thing!" Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone oohed and ahhhed and were quite impressed! Then the three men turned to the Government Worker, and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate all the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!!!! http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 11:04:04 -0300 From: Ken Brousseau Sr Subject: Weird Business News #29 (2nd of 3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An item for you potty animals. Product of the Month goes to Multimedia Services Corp. of Houston for its CD-ROM business card. It's a slightly oversized, rectangular piece of metal with more than the usual name, rank and serial number printed on its outside. Pop it in the computer and it tells all about that person and his or her business. Second place goes to Inflate-A-Potty of Delray Beach, Fla. Needing only seconds to inflate, it gives new meaning to the term blow and go. The Make New Foods But Keep the Old Award to Russell Stover, the candy maker. It is selling S'mores, a no-flames-needed version of the old Girl Scout campfire treat of chocolate, graham crackers and marshmallow. From reader Christian Vanaverbeke ("Yes, you can use my name, but spell it correctly") comes these flight attendant announcements heard on a recent Southwest Airlines flight from New Orleans to Houston: · "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will fall from above you. After calming yourself from your frenzy, place the mask over your nose and mouth and try to breathe normally. If you have a child traveling with you, put on your mask first and then attend to the child. If you have more than one child traveling with you, choose which one you love more. Then assist your husband." · "We have a frequent flier program and we advise you to take advantage of it. Besides marrying one of us, it is the quickest way to fly free." · "This flight is nonsmoking. If one of the flight crew sees that you are smoking on board, we will assume this it is you on fire and deal with you accordingly." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 12:14:44 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires: 10. "Safer than a Russian sub." 9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law." 8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit." 7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?" 6. "Pop a set on your car today." 5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?" 4. "Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit." 3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something." 2. "Best Blow Job In Town' 1. "You can't recall a better tire." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. Get paid to surf the net. Join All Advantage. Sign up today. http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=IFI-810 Need a tagline? Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2000 10:43:58 +0530 From: chaps Subject: The Irrefutable, Incorrigible...Blonde! * Jill, a blonde, was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button." I foolishly asked what she was doing. Jill pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which said, "Depress button for ice." * Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?" "I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself." Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Sep 2000 to 5 Sep 2000 (#2000-249) **********************************************************