From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, September 03, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Sep 2000 to 3 Sep 2000 (#2000-247) There are 5 messages totalling 365 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. "Puns of the Weak" 9/1/00 2. Going to work naked [Adultish] 3. The Future - As Seen In the 1950s 4. George W. Bush 5. University Stereotype. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2000 02:23:38 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: "Puns of the Weak" 9/1/00 •What note does a guitarist need to be a brain surgeon to play? A low bottom E. ( Ken Shurget) •"Is your name Frank Lee?" Tom asked frankly. (Kegel Archives) •“He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.” (“He’s making a list, checking it twice” Trad. “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”) (Donna Eaker) •A farmer with a rip in his clothes has an overall problem. (Pun of the Day) •"I think the problem with children's education today is often apparent." (Irving S. Rosenfeld) •"Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping down the street??" "Oh, my, no!! What happened?" "His mother woke him up." (Beth Jackson) •Tire repair prices vary enormously. It would be better if all garages had a flat rate. (John S. Crosbie) •Tolerant: An insect that stands above the others. (Stan Kegel) •The latest poll says that Al Bush and George Gore are running "neck and neck" which makes sense since neither has a head. (Jeff Savage) •The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store. (Comedy on Tap) •How to you organize a space party? You planet. (Bill Stebbins) •Fog: Rain that is barely mist. (Lee Daniel Quinn) •Answer: Vitamin Question: What do you do when a friend comes to visit? (Stan Kegel) • “Barney's the king of Israel” (“Born is the king of Israel” Trad. "The First Noel") (David Trevas) •The cowboy lost the shoot out because he didn't draw well. (Jumble) •Answer: Asphalt Question: What would you call a really bad case of hemorrhoids? (Ken Pinkham) •Leftover spaghetti is pasta its prime. (Pun of the Day) •Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the past perfect. (Aiken Drum) •Urogram: Finally your son has a kid (Kegel Archives) •On the counter of a camping gear store: ' Now is the winter of our discount tent.' (Syman Hirsch) •When I run my loom without thread, I am just spinning my wheels. (Scot Nelson) •The American Association of Dermatologists has a new webpage that's a site for psoriasis. (Robert E. Lewis) •How did the doe win the race? By passing the buck. (James D. Ertner) •When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys! (Ron Klar) •As one mosquito said to another while resting on Robinson Crusoe, "I'm leaving now but I'll see you on Friday." (James D. Ertner) •The only way these days you can get into a hospital quickly is by accident. (Henny Youngman) • When the astronauts landed upon the moon, they couldn't stay there. The moon was full. (Louis Phillips) •"I cut off the bottoms of my levis so they wouldn't drag in the mud," said Tom hygienically. (Kegel Archives) •Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am." (MDeA) •Show me a coal miner who wears a flashlight on his helmet, and I'll show you a guy whose work makes him lightheaded. (Hirsch and MacNair) •Would a mis-carved tombstone be a grave mistake? (Robert E. Lewis) •The case against a donut thief was full of holes. (Pun of the Day) •"I had a near miss in my car today," Tom said wrecklessly. (Tiff Wimberly) •Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. (Aiken Drum) •I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. (Ernie) •Constipation: When push comes to shove (Murray L. Bob) •Event: He did not stay (Leopold Fechtner) •Money can be lost in more ways than won. (Swezey) •Farmers are often outstanding in their field. (Pun of the Day) •Abortion: Avoiding the issue (Leopold Fechtner) •A hay farmer in jail could get out on bale (Pun of the Day) •The lawyer for the church did some cross examining. (Mike Bull) •Algebra is x-sighting. (Science Jokes) •What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the Railroad tracks? It won't be long now! (Bill Stebbens) •Golfers have good fore sight. (Mike Bull) •How do you keep a dog quiet? Feed him hushpuppies.(Terry Galen) •Answer: Monotone Question: What is a musical note with "kissing disease"? (Clynch Varnadore) •What do rabbits think happen after you die? They believe in the hareafter. (James D. Ertner) •"It's my maid's night off," said Tom helplessly. (Kegel Archives) •Adolescence is the age between hopscotch and real scotch. (Henny Youngman) •Army dental corps always have good drill units! (The Pun Page) •The office computer had a virus. So I hired my mother to type in her recipe for chicken soup. (Simon Hirsch) •“Have you ever considered cloning yourself, Frank?” “No, I don’t like repeating myself.” (Bob Thaves) •Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights. •Food for bad dogs is bought by the pound. (Mike Bull) •The Ramsey book is an alibiography. (Jay Leno) •Cook: A panhandler (Leopold Fechtner) •What would you get if you crossed a clock with an octopus? Either a clock with eight hands or an octopus that was really ticked off. (Ertner) •Adam and Eve were a very sociable couple, They were seen in all the best places. (Henny Youngman) •Lou Ferrigno played a meaty ogre character. (Guy Ben Moshe) •jan. 29, 1931 the first human cannonball was hired by the circus. he was fired. then they hired someone of higher caliber. (Bob Weaver) •Headline: Two convicts evade noose, jury hung. (Syman Hirsch) •Whenever I hear Pavlov's name, it rings a bell. (Ed Hexter) •Zebra: Let's switch roles for awhile. Lion: OK, I'm game. (Bad Puns) •I am not a great artist but I am good at drawing a blank (G. S. Angel) •I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it. (Felinity) •My aunt has one leg that's shorter than the other, she's known as Eileen. (Joe Fink) Hornet: A mesh with which one collects prostitutes (David Reihmer) •“How's business this morning?” “You won't believe this, sir, but I've sold five diamond tiaras already this morning!” “Looks like a real tiara boom today!” (Hirsch and MacNair) •I think someone should invent Beerguard, because how often do you actually spill Scotch on the carpet? (Aiken Drum) •I was taught in school that a double negative is a no, no. (Syman Hirsch) •'Patience is a virtue that carries a lot of wait! (Renee from Napa) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2000 06:49:08 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Going to work naked [Adultish] Top 10 reasons to Go To Work Naked 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources. 4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 6 You want to see if it's like the dream. 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned. 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 10. No one steals your chair. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2000 09:47:35 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: The Future - As Seen In the 1950s 1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20." 2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one." 3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." 4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?" 5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm." 6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." 7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." 8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls." 9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket." 10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in Gone With The Wind, it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it." 11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?" 12. "Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore." 13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar." 14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." 15. Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president." 16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?" 17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." 18. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." 19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work." 20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore. Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat." 21. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kids ever talk back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week." 22. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?" 23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops." 24. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." 25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress." 26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer." 27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it." 28. The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on." 29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel." 30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." 31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains." 32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home." 33. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair." 34. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. These kids think money grows on trees." 35. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves." [Thanks to Dick Wells] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2000 10:14:02 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: George W. Bush George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert". ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Sep 2000 14:39:30 -0600 From: Emko Witteveen Subject: University Stereotype. Swiped from the FunnyStuff Mailing list. For those of you going to college: Hope you like college! For the rest of you: be glad you're not. Anyway, here are some shameless stereotypes: HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB AT....... Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill. Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician. Brown: Eleven--one to change the light bulb and ten to share the experience. Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity. Cornell: Two--One to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure. Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it. Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest. Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark. Harvard: One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked light bulb two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch. Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation. Middlebury: Five--One to change the light bulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion. Stanford: One, dude. Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one. Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students. Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket. Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do. Tufts: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student. University of New Hampshire, Durham: Four--one to walk to the general store and have them order a light bulb from Concord, one to pick it up in 6-8 weeks, one to screw it in, and one to go to his class and sleep for him while he is doing it. Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it. Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress. Boston University: Three--one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework. Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial complex and all that. Connecticut College: Two--one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn't go out. Virginia: Thirteen--Ten to form student committee to vote on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he's standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson. Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb,one to take the chair lift back to school, and one to screw it in. Boston College: Seven--one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time. Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for changing their light bulbs. -- This message is done on 100% recycled electrons. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Sep 2000 to 3 Sep 2000 (#2000-247) **********************************************************