From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Wednesday, August 23, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 22 Aug 2000 to 23 Aug 2000 (#2000-236) There are 14 messages totalling 773 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Blonde's weight problem 2. Smithsonian finds... 3. Ten Things to Do as Your Plane Goes Down 4. Friends (inspirational) 5. ancient condoms poem [adult] 6. Thoughts You Can Live Without 7. Taxes 8. The Old Perfesser - Man of Integrity? 9. ADULT DIAPERS HAIKU 10. Skinny Gorilla Saga 11. Over the hill 12. Politics [Adult Language] 13. A Snake Story 14. Of Speeches ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 01:30:43 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: The Blonde's weight problem A blonde woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 12:41:17 +0530 From: chaps Subject: Smithsonian finds... The story behind the letter below is that there is this odd fellow in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institution, labeling them with scientific names,and insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway...here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing. _________________________________________________________________________ Smithsonian Institution 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Mr. Williams: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 09:34:02 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Ten Things to Do as Your Plane Goes Down Ten Things to Do as Your Plane Goes Down (Written by Tim Chew for Internet Oracularities) 10) Call up someplace really far away on your cell phone. 09) Demand another bag of complimentary peanuts. 08) Tear open your shirt then announce, "Ah heck, I left my super hero costume at the cleaners!" 07) Write on your arm with a pen, "We were attacked by an alien space ship." 06) Stand up and shout, "Surprise! You're all on Candid Camera!" 05) Pray to all known gods real fast. 04) Wonder why people say to always wear clean under- wear because you never know when you'll be in an accident, because you -were- wearing clean under- wear up until you realized you were about to die rendering the whole clean underwear idea irrelevant. 03) Scream out, "Last one to the Pearly Gates is a rotten egg!" 02) Scream out, "Make that, last one to plunge into the pit of eternal flaming damnation is a rotten egg!" 01) Just plain old scream. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 06:58:20 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Friends (inspirational) "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." ....Winnie the Pooh "True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost." ....Charles Caleb Colton "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." ....Unknown "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." ....Albert Camus. "Strangers are just friends waiting to happen." ....Unknown "Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life." "Friendship is one mind in two bodies." ....Mencius "Friends are God's way of taking care of us." ....Unknown "If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." ....Stone Temple Pilots "I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." ....Dave Matthews Band "If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them." ....Unknown "Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say." ....Unknown "We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere." ....Tim McGraw "My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life." ....Lee Iacocca "Hold a true friend with both your hands." ....Nigerian Proverb "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." ....Unknown ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 08:55:10 -0400 From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: ancient condoms poem [adult] just a quickie to brighten up your mornings! :) in days of old, when knights were bold, and rubbers weren't invented, they tied their socks around their cocks, and babies were prevented! be seeing you, bob ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 09:19:39 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Thoughts You Can Live Without Indecision is the key to flexibility. There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too. This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant. The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening. The careful application of terror is a very positive form of communication. No one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. The other line always moves faster... until you get in it. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. Happiness is good health and a bad memory. Do unto others. [Thanks to Lloyd] http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 09:28:34 -0400 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: Taxes Just saw this in French on blagues-L@gurus.com, from Bruno Le-Chaux This guy gets a notice to show up at the IRS office to answer some questions about his last tax return. His wife advises him to wear clothes with holes and his worn-out shoes. "Make them think you're poor." Then he goes and asks his lawyer how he should dress. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and your sharpest tie!" The guy is overwhelmed. With these two different opinions, he still doesn't know how he should dress. As a last resort, he goes to see his rabbi, explains his situation, the two contradictory opinions, and asks him what he should do. The rabbi answers: "A woman, on the verge of getting married, asks her mother what she should wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a long flannel night shirt which buttons at the neck,' she answers. But when the bride-to-be asks the same question to her best friend, she gets this answer: 'Wear your sexiest nightie, the one that's open down to your navel.'" The guy interrupts the rabbi: "But what does all this have to do with the IRS?" The rabbi nods and says: "Whatever you wear, you're gonna get screwed." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 09:35:46 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: The Old Perfesser - Man of Integrity? The year the old perfesser retired, the languitch faculty all got together and gave him the going-away trip of his dreams.... two nights, three days at the best hotel in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina..... but they booked it for only one, so MrsPerfesser had to stay home, all pissed 'n everything. The old perfesser wasn't exactly sure why they'd only booked it for one... not until he came back from the fancy-dancy stage show they'd booked him to see, and there was a nude girl lying on the couch. He jumps for the phone, puts in a call to his old dean, and demands, "Where is your respect? As your friend and co-worker, I am very, very angry with you." The nude girl gets up and starts to get dressed. T.O.P. says, "Where are *you* going? I'm not angry at *you*!" -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- "Perfesser," they ask, "Where you been? Have you been living in sin?" "Well, I don't mind confidin', I've been somewhere in hidin', With a hooker, some penguins, and gin." -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- The old perfesser was helping with a telethon for the collitch scholarship fund, and he was making an appeal to a former student of his, now a perfesser in his own right The new perfesser said he'd give the same generous amount he'd given last year. When T.O.P. asked whether he could possibly increase it by 25 percent or so, he replied, "I'm sorry, I really can't... I have a parasitic infection." "Oh, sheesh," the old perfesser said, "I didn't know that. I'm terribly sorry. What have you got?" The new perfesser laughed, "A new daughter." -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- The old perfesser decided one summer he was gonna try his hand at golf. He got hisself some of them funny shoes (ching!), a pair of knickers and an argyle sweater (ching, ka-ching!), and to top it all off, a brand new set of clubs (ka-CHING!!!). Well, off goes T.O.P. to the local country club. Naturally, knowing that he can do anything he sets his mind to without the help of anybody else, he doesn't bother with lessons from the club pro, or tips from friends who've been at the game for awhile... nothing. So, round about the third hole (and the 64th swing), it was no surprise seeing the old perfesser pick up his whole new bag of clubs and heaving it right into the water hazard - where his ball had gone just moments before - and then storm off the course. A few minutes later, though, he came slinking back... he pulled up them knickers past his knees, and went wading in after the clubs. Everyone on the course was just chuckling and such, figgering he was gonna take them expensive new clubs home, clean them up and prob'ly try and get his money back.... However, they were quite shocked to see him retrieve his car keys from the pocket in the bag - then throw the clubs right back into the water. -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- "...and then that old perfesser creep said, 'Why don't we play *carpenter*? We'll both get hammered; then I'll nail you'!" "Oh, gross!" said her friend. "What did you say then?" "I said, 'No, thanks! You didn't bring enough wood'!" -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- Way, way, WAY back, when the old perfesser was still a little squirt, the Sunday School teacher came outside and found him and his little brother fighting on the playground. "Hey, boys!" she exclaimed as she tried to separate them. "Didn't you just hear the lesson in the Good Book, 'Love Your Enemy'?" "Well," said the little squirty perfesser's squirty little brother, "he ain't my enemy.... he's my brother!" -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- The perfesser, with ample proportions, Loves screwin', while doin' contortions, Said his wife, "Watch my head, And don't DARE break the bed, Or your prick will be thick with distortions!" -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- MrsPerfesser asked her hubby to get hisself to the doctor and try out then new Viagry pills.... she ain't real interested in his gettin' horny again, but she noticed in the commercials that the couples are always dancing, and she thinks it might improve the old perfesser's dance steps. -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- The old perfesser went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, he told her he has dextrocardia. "What's that?" she asked. "Well," says the old perfesser, "it means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left. You should set up your machine to accommodate that." As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?" ******************** That doctor is a Hippocratic oaf! -- The Old Perfesser ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 07:44:02 -0600 From: Emko Witteveen Subject: ADULT DIAPERS HAIKU Ah, the golden years... Best when gold's not in your pants, Puddlin' so warmly. Yes, incontinence Is a fact of senior life And older plumbing. Bladder control gone. Talk about a big problem! Can you say Depend=AE? Those special diapers Absorb the indignity, Spongin' up spillage. Wanna have some fun? Put on an adult diaper, Then pee your brains out. Just one hearty laugh - Then watch out! Bladder failure! Time for a quick change. -- This message is done on 100% recycled electrons. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 16:48:46 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: Skinny Gorilla Saga Beware of Skinny Gorillas! By jiM Mica This comes from that new humor publication, Consumer Reports September, 2000 (page 67). They quote advertising copy from Interglobe Institute for their new weight loss product, Yamaba. Yamaba comes from the Yama bush and was discovered by Interglobe's crack ethnobotanists. Now, it ain't easy to write good advertising copy -I've tried! And, when you are on a roll, ya can't always stop to do any fact checking. Ah, but here's the copy: "It all started 7 years ago and what you are about to read is the true story of 3 researchers working on the therapeutic actions of plants from the Surinam rainforest." (Consumers somewhat snidely notes here that most people spell it 'Suriname.') "A month after our arrival in the rainforest… we observed a truly amazing phenomenon. Our campsite was in the middle of the forest and our direct neighbors were friendly gorillas… big fat ones! "One morning they had all disappeared. We were busy getting started on our work and didn't notice when they came back. What we did notice, because it was so obvious, was that the gorillas who came back were not the same ones, or so we thought! The new ones were much thinner and younger looking… . It was in fact, the same group of gorillas… . They were simply going out deeper in the woods to eat a plant that was literally melting away their accumulated fat." Well, tarnation, that sounds great to me! The killjoys at Consumer Reports say that Suriname is in South America, just north of Brazil. Quoth CR: "Now, the problem: There are no gorillas in Suriname. There are no gorillas, in nature, anywhere in South America. Gorillas are indigenous to West Africa." Oh yeah! Well, well, these ones probably came over on a special weight loss tour or something. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 19:15:56 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Over the hill From: Griff YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN............. 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.. 10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it. 11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good. 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. 23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. 24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. 25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. 26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. 28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- Real MEN don't get older, they just date younger women. Get paid to surf the net. Join All Advantage. Sign up today. http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=IFI-810 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 19:50:01 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Politics [Adult Language] A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered, she yelled, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself." "What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated. "Well, now, how do you know he's a Republican???" "Because, you damn fool, if he were a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 00:03:24 -0500 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: A Snake Story A story from the Sweetwater Reporter Rattlesnake Roundup March 8, 1995, Sweetwater, Texas. This is a tale of how three people were hospitalized following an encounter with a grass snake - GRASS snake - NOT a rattlesnake. A couple had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing in a lot of them indoors to protect then from a possible freeze, A little green snake was hidden in one of them and when it was sufficiently warmed up, it came slithering out and went under the sofa. The wife saw it and let out a big scream. The husband was taking a shower but, when he heard his wife scream, ran naked to see what the problem was, She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from the sofa. The EMS saw it and dropped the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he was in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake, so he armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone. The wife sat down on the sofa in relief. But as her hand dangled in between the cushions, she felt the snake. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man tried to use his long forgotten CPR skills. The neighbor's wife, who had been at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, an injury calling for hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint. She saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the "unconscious man, smelled the whiskey and listened as the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. That put the woman and the snake right back in worse shape than they were in when the whole thing started. The snake was badly unnerved, As was the woman. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 11:09:24 +0530 From: chaps Subject: Of Speeches The speeches droned on at the businessmen's luncheon, but at last the chairman introduced the final speaker: "We are running dreadfully late, so I've asked Dr. Smite to be very brief. As you know, the subject he's going to talk about is sex." The doctor rose to his feet, shuffled through his notes, and said, "Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...." and then sat down. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Aug 2000 to 23 Aug 2000 (#2000-236) ************************************************************