From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Saturday, July 22, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 21 Jul 2000 to 22 Jul 2000 (#2000-204) There are 9 messages totalling 533 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Car For Sale 2. Bill Gates 3. The World According To...... 4. Astrological Predictions 5. Speaking Teksun 6. Newspaper Headlines 7. Mondegreens, Chapter 3 8. Cat Rules 9. Liver and Cheese ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 06:36:54 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: Car For Sale A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 05:57:16 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Bill Gates When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!" "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 07:03:01 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: The World According To...... 1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word. 2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good. 3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. 4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware. 5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big....and told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory. 6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and Programs and Data. 7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Directory Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows. 8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a Creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature the User. 9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. 10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? 11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. 12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. 13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it. 14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. 15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to! 16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. 17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. 18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. 19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. 20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 07:47:43 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Astrological Predictions Dark Astrological Predictions... ...for events happening sometime in the next fifty years. (c) Rev. Shayne Dark Aries: The stars warned you not to douche with Drano, but did you listen to them? Taurus: Your high expectations for a crunchy breakfast cereal will never be met. Gemini: It is time to re-kindle the romance in your life, spring for a pack of C-cell batteries. Cancer: By the time this is posted, you will already be dead. Leo: The mystery of why your children look more like the dog than you will soon be resolved. Virgo: For emotional well-being, you must reveal what is held within, even if it is the unholy fermentation of last night's tequila and nachos. Libra: I wouldn't worry too much about it, it is probably benign. Scorpio: Your heartless children shall reveal the ending to the new Harry Potter book before you have a chance to read it. Sagittarius: You are made in god's image - ugly bastard, isn't he? Capricorn: The heavens have chosen to ignore you today, we should all be so lucky. Aquarius: The Age of Aquarius has passed, so knock off that annoying hippie shit. Pisces: A strangely muscled sailor will toot his pipe and offer you a can of spinach. If today is your birthday: It is one less day of life you have remaining, as the shell that is your body slowly rots, mocking you with reminder after reminder of your own mortality. Have a Happy Birthday! Bet you didn't see THAT coming.... Reverend Shayne Nostradarkus ********************* There is neither God nor Devil, but only Human. -- Vampiric ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 10:19:14 -0100 From: Bruce Chilton Subject: Speaking Teksun Guide to talking Teksun: A pronouncing gazeteer. `Merican as in:`Merican flag Bawl as in: Take me out to the bawl game Brayk as in: Don' brayk ma haht Cawer as in: Goin' to the cawer warsh Evurwonsinawhal as in: Everwonsinawhal I tak a shahr Far as in: She rilly lahts ma far Lah as in: Donchew lah to me Nukular as in: Nukular par Par as in: Lectic par Rench as in: Aftu y'all warsh the dishes ya gotta rench `em. Warsh see rench ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 14:07:25 -0500 From: "Rowe, Thomas" Subject: Newspaper Headlines Real newspaper headlines (gleaned from Uncle John's Calendar) * Include Your Children When Baking Cookies * Circumcisions Cut Back * Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe * Kids Make Nutritious Snacks * City Wants Dead to Pay for Cleanup * Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian takes over * Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years at Checkout Counter (Man - that's what I call a long line!) * Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge * Moorpark Residents Enjoy a Communal Dump * Lack of Brains Hinders Research (Hey! I resemble that remark!) * Man Robs, Then Kills Himself * Teenage Prostitution Problem Is Mounting * Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls * Blind Workers Eye Better Wages * Columnist Gets Urologist In Trouble With His Peers * Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung * Prostitutes Appeal To Pope * Stiff Opposition Expected To Casketless Funeral Plan * Lawmen From Mexico Barbeque Guests * Deer Kill 130,000 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 16:37:53 -0400 From: Jim Mica Subject: Mondegreens, Chapter 3 Mondegreens Chapter 3 I brought up mondegreens some months ago. Here are a few added tidbits on the subject. jhm mondegreen (MON-di-green) noun A word or phrase resulting from a misinterpretation of a word or phrase that has been heard. [Coined by British author S. Wright] ----------------------------- From: C Nankervis (cmnankervis@earthlink.net) "Poetry In Motion" For years I thought the song was 'Oh, a Tree In Motion.' -------------------------------- From: Mark Vershbow (mvershbow@aol.com) In high school art class, I showed the teacher a cartoon in the New Yorker that I liked. She said, "That's surrealist." I spent many years looking for works by that well known artist, Mr. Surrelious. -------------------------------- From: Richard C. Matheron (rmatheron@aol.com) As a child going to Christian Science Sunday School, I always heard the Reader say, "We shall now read from 'Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures' by our bereared (revered) leader Mary Baker Eddy." I could Never figure why the Reader should be drawing attention to the possible steatopygia of Mrs. Eddy. -------------------------------- From: Arthur Searby (hobnob@nccoast.net) As a child when we sang "America, the Beautiful" I would loudly proclaim "Every brom ding!" instead of "Let freedom ring" being old enough to understand neither. I still do it for a nostalgic lift of spirits. And then the roller coaster at Steeplechase Park in NY was called the "sinner grail way" instead of "scenic railway". -------------------------------- From: Sydney Keegan (skeegan@waypt.com) Are you taking contributions to your archive of mondegreens? Here's one that will appeal to all fans of Gilbert and Sullivan, and there are many out there! In the first act of THE MIKADO, Pish-Tush addresses a song, "Young man, despair," to the young hero, Nanki-Poo, telling him that he must give up his desire to wed Yum-Yum because she is now betrothed to her guardian, Ko-Ko, Lord High Executioner of Titipu. The second verse includes this line: "She'll toddle away, as all aver, with the Lord High Executioner." Any number of Gilbert and Sullivan lovers have told me that, like me, they were puzzled for years by the reference to a mysterious character named Oliver who never appears in the story. When I was quite little, I was convinced that the song did indeed refer to someone named Oliver, and later decided that the line meant "As all of her," meaning with her head still attached to her shoulders. It was only when I was an adult and actually read that part of the score that I discovered "all aver." -------------------------------- From: Elizabeth Hutchings (elizabeth.hutchings@ea.gov.au) My favourite mondegreen was perpetrated by the children at my son's primary school, who rendered the first words of the Australian national anthem - "Australians all let us rejoice" - as "Australia's sunset ostriches". ************************************* And now, from the quotations of Gov. George "Dubya" Bush: "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." -In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 17:27:55 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Cat Rules From: "Vernon, Deanna (Dallas)" CAT RULES I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door open, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is open, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs. II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot. III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare. IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping." Humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump. V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with their coordination skills. VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned. VII. COMPUTERS: 1: Show interest only in computers that are turned ON. The operator will need your help. 2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible. 3: Keyboards are great for lounging. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and Ctrl-Alt-Del. When human is at the computer, jump on the desk, scatter any paper or other materials that might be present in order to help human with organization, and then lie down on top of keyboard. If human is online, this may cause modem to disengage, which is particularly useful. Surfing the web is wasteful activity and there are many sites that are not good for the human to see. The human will thank you for allowing him to make better use of his time. 4: Human may pick you up and place you to the side of the keyboard. It is good to continually reach put paws and touch keys randomly, and from time to time knock keyboard off table altogether. Humans love this activity. It keeps them physically fit and is excellent for abdominal tone-ups. Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice. Last, but not least... Human legs make great scratching posts, especially effective when they have a full cup of hot coffee in their hand!!!! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? Get paid to surf the net. Join All Advantage. Sign up today. http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=IFI-810 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 22 Jul 2000 00:55:07 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Liver and Cheese Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says. "Liver alone. Cheese mine." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Jul 2000 to 22 Jul 2000 (#2000-204) ************************************************************