From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Friday, June 30, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 29 Jun 2000 to 30 Jun 2000 (#2000-182) There are 9 messages totalling 508 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. True Lies: The Never Ending Story 2. Money humor 3. The Birds and the Puppies 4. Men vs. Women 5. Vocabulary 6. Or what? 7. Original Groaners 8. The Consumer Reports 9. Science Rules! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 12:24:49 +0530 From: chaps Subject: True Lies: The Never Ending Story This is The Never Ending Story of a 9 To 5, Working Girl, and The American President. The latter of whom offered the former an Indecent Proposal. It seems this Top Gun was Addicted To Love, to Youngblood. He had a Basic Instinct, Fatal Attraction, for this Pretty Woman, this Babe. He liked to Kiss The Girls, and liked Boys On The Side.... but that's Oliver's Story. Casual Sex? No, she saw Career Opportunities, The Sure Thing. She had Great Expectations. It was to be a Close Encounter Of The Third Kind, a Mission Impossible. We're talking Risky Business, Dangerous Ground. Till now she'd played The Saint, but this would be Unforgiven, for she would break The Ten Commandments. It Happened One Night. It would be An Affair To Remember. The Bodyguard would be the means of the Deliverance. She was in the Head Office From Dusk Till Dawn. She started with a Striptease, then Goin' South for The Fly. His pants Falling Down to his Sneakers, revealing The Pelican Briefs. Looked like there'd be Foul Play. She would Free Willy Two, and be surprised by the Hook. Up Close And Personal, she put her parted Jaws upon The Thing. She'd never let Eight Men Out before, but he was Blown Away. Trading Places, he slipped his Goldfinger into her Paradise Alley. He could smell her Heat and taste her Primal Fear. Her Field Of Dreams began to Grease. Their Private Parts made Contact. He thrust his Shaft into The Abyss. She felt a Sudden Impact, and her Crimson Tide broke upon his Great Balls OF Fire! He expected an Easy Rider, but she was a Twister, and Rocky Two. She squirmed Every Which Way But Loose. He drove his Willy Wonka with Speed into The Deep. Then Chitty, Chitty, Bang! Bang! He released Hot Shots of his White Squall into her Dark Passage. She felt The Wiz, then The Big Chill, and Speechless, Waiting To Exhale, let out a Scream. It was over in 8 Seconds. Then came The Long Kiss Good Night. The Morning After, Dazed And Confused, she told her Circle Of Friends what had occurred. She said she was told if there was ever a Q&A by Internal Affairs to protect the President with Secrets & Lies. All The Presidents' Men wanted her to be a Liar, Liar. Unbeknownst, one of these confidants was Wired. 48 Hrs. Another 48 Hrs. 9 1/2 Weeks. Another 9 1/2 Weeks. Then seeking Fame and Big Fortune, this confidant would hold The American President for Ransom. He wasn't Above Suspicion, he was Fair Game. She thought, "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka!". She told the press, "I Know What You Did Last Summer." She Set It Off....a Chain Reaction which could Breakdown the Absolute Power of the President, Against All Odds. He'd be Better Off Dead, Fallen. Grumpy Old Men and Ordinary People will shout their Conspiracy Theory. His Misery would cause Dead Presidents to rollover in their grave. When the tapes are aired, he would Coming To America. However Suspect, the President was a Diehard In The Line Of Fire. He addressed the people and stated, "This is Much Ado About Nothing. Stand By Me. Right wing advocates will Say Anything and should Never Cry Wolf." The First Lady And The Tramp also showed Courage Under Fire. Clueless, and without a Witness For The Prosecution, the Dragnet came to a halt. The American President was no longer Under Siege, and The Shadow over the Capitol disappeared with The Rising Sun. Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 03:05:26 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Money humor From CNBC Money Mail, Peter McNulty Finally, the White House reported that the U.S. budget surplus will total $1.873 trillion over the next 10 years, $1 trillion more than previously estimated. We include this in our technology-oriented summary not because it's technological, but because we suspect that it falls into the realm of science fiction. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 06:08:12 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: The Birds and the Puppies Little Johnny and his Dad were in the park one day when Johnny spotted two dogs mating furiously. Little Johnny stared at the dogs a while and then turned to his Dad and asked what the dogs were doing. "Well, Johnny," his Dad replied hesitantly, "they are making puppies." Little Johnny looked back at the dogs for a second, deep in thought, then ran off to play on the swings. A few weeks later Johnny walked in on his parents when they forgot to latch the lock, and they were going after it pretty wildly themselves. Johnny tapped his Father on the shoulder and asked, "Daddy, what are you and Mommy doing?" "Well, Johnny," his Dad replied out of breath, "we are making a baby." Johnny thought about it for a moment and said excitedly "Well why don't you turn her over. I'd much rather have puppies." http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 07:37:59 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Men vs. Women Women Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. MEN Men are good at lifting heavy stuff. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 08:13:17 -0400 From: Paul Benoit Subject: Vocabulary Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary -------------------------------------- "Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass." "I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." "I need you." == "My hand is tired." "I am different from all the other guys." == "I am not circumcised." "I want a commitment." == "I'm sick of masturbation." "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." "I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." "It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." "She's kinda cute." == "I wouldn't kick her out of bed, but a pillow over the head might be necessary." "I don't know if I like her." == "She won't sleep with me." "I miss you so much." == "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good." "Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Is my penis really that small?" "I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?" "Do you love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." "Do you 'really' love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out find out sooner or later." "How much do you love me?" == "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now." "I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." "I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." "I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." "I think we should just be friends." == "You're ugly." "I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!" (from Bawdy.Net) *********************** DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 10:54:56 -0400 From: Jimmy Farrar Subject: Or what? A man comes to his doctor and tells him that His wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more." The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000 22:18:44 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: Original Groaners The Mafia don did a good job of hiding his mob affiliation and giving the appearance of being an ordinary fellow. He had just one peculiarity: Since he couldn't stand a cold nose, he wore a knitted nose-warmer in chilly weather. When the FBI at last picked him up, he was amazed and asked, "How did you know?" "We could tell." "How?" "Your cozy nostril." (By Cynthia MacGregor) "My daughter asked me yesterday for one of those Star Wars action figures -- you know, the cute little plastic things that are supposed to look like characters from the various movies, but don't really? Well, she was absolutely smitten with . . .I'm ashamed to say it, but she has a *thing* for Yoda. She's only six, or I'd really worry. "I happened to be in a department store today, and I picked up a Yoda doll. Yes, I appeased my child, and she will probably grow up spoiled and convinced that all she ever has to do is ask for something often enough, and she will get it. Phooey. "She didn't seem to understand the reference, though, when I passed her the thing and told her, 'You asked for it, you got it. Toy Yoda.' Maybe it's an age thing." (By Warin) Remember that Evil Kneivel bloke? You'd never believe it, but I bumped into him in a motorcycle shop earlier. He was complaining because he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second one. It cost £500 less. After all, torque is cheap. (By Jonathan Horniblow) "Some years ago, I was trying to kill off an ant nest (not fire ants, just some inconveniently located _Camponotus_). I was young and foolish, and didn't follow the safety instructions... and ended up inhaling quite a bit of the insecticide dust. Yuck!" "After the diarrhea, pinpoint pupils, and other immediate effects, I was groggy and disoriented, unable to focus or concentrate, for a day or so. Yes, I was getting proper medical treatment... and it was enough of a dose to be unpleasant but not to be fatal." "In any case, after about 36 hours all the immediate symptoms were gone... but I really felt that I had no strength. I couldn't carry anything more than a conversation, and that only on light matters." "But I didn't bother asking my doctor about it; after all, it's obvious that ... Sevin Daze makes one weak!" (John W. Vinson) A tribal chief had passed away, and the witch doctor had been sent for to perform the burial ceremonies. The funeral was beautiful and the whole tribe turned out as the chief was laid to rest. Finally, as the tomb was to be sealed, the witch doctor made a rather unusual request, he asked that all the ladies present please remove themselves back to the village while he sealed the tomb. Upon their leaving, he sealed the tomb and said ceremoniously "Any man who disturbs the chief shall meet a most horrible end", and with that the funeral was over. As the men prepared to head back to the village, one of them stopped the witch doctor and said "It was a beautiful ceremony, but why did you send the ladies back to the village before sealing the tomb?" "Simple," replied the witch doctor, "I never curse in front of ladies" (By Brad Williams) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 09:41:15 +0530 From: chaps Subject: The Consumer Reports Easier said than done Every now and then we stumble across a package instruction that leaves us scratching our head -- or raising our eyebrows. Four cases in point: Once you've read the instructions on a box of Pepperidge Farm frozen raspberry turnovers, it's too late to obey them: "Preheat oven to 475 degrees F before taking package from the freezer." For incorrigible narcissists, Conair offers this safety tip with its hair dryers: "Never use while sleeping." A New Jersey reader was surprised to read the "patient counseling" instructions a local pharmacist typed onto a recent prescription for her cat. "Do not mix with alcohol," it warned. "Use caution when driving or operating machinery." Our reader noted, "We had no idea what the cat was up to when he felt good!" But the real eye-opener comes from Japanese manufacturer Yamaha. While perusing the assembly instructions for his new Electric Grand keyboard, a reader found a diagram showing assorted pieces of hardware and labeled with a single Anglo-Saxon word of instruction. We can't repeat the instruction in this family magazine, but we believe the company meant "screw". Chalapathi And His Four-Line Signature! :-) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 00:53:08 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Science Rules! DON'T READ THESE unless it's OK to laugh out loud! These comments come from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students and compiled at the NEA Life Sciences Symposium, Kansas City,Kansas. As the originator noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades." Please note that the original spelling has been left intact. 1. "The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels,of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u." 2. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state." 3. "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." 4. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube." 5. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." 6. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." 7. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." 8. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." 9. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." 10."The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." 11."Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." 12."Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." 13."A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." 14."Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." 15."The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects." 16."The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." 17."A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." 18."The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." 19."A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." 20."Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." 21."Germinate: To become a naturalized German." 22."Liter: A nest of young puppies. 23."Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." 24."Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." 25."Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." 26."Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." 27."Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." 28."Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." 29."To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." 30."For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." 31."For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,then kill it." 32."For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat." 33."To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Jun 2000 to 30 Jun 2000 (#2000-182) ************************************************************