From: Automatic digest processor [LISTSERV@LISTSERV.UGA.EDU] Sent: Sunday, June 18, 2000 2:00 AM To: Recipients of HUMOR digests Subject: HUMOR Digest - 17 Jun 2000 to 18 Jun 2000 (#2000-170) There are 3 messages totalling 215 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. "Puns of the Weak" 6-16-00 2. The Man Who Would Be King 3. Eleven Rules Of Life ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 00:42:56 -0700 From: Stan Kegel Subject: "Puns of the Weak" 6-16-00 •"The U.S. Open is on this weekend," Tom said painlessly. (ISTPF) •Burglaries are increasing at an alarming rate. That means we need more fences. (Pam Shorey) •People with unconventional beliefs often congregate insects. (P. C. Swanson) •Foreclose: Why teenagers go to the mall (Shara Rendell-Smock ) •Biologists studying the evolution of cats have been searching for the mssing Lynx. (Stan Kegel) •Fundamentalist: Money used to pay for the services of psychics (Gary Hallock) •The Miss Hawaii contest is judged on beauty, grace, and poi's. •Sometimes a pregnancy is so long it seems like a maternity. (Pun of the Day) •What's the difference between an ale container and a small insect? An ale container is a beer mug while a small insect is a mere bug. (RL) •My grandson Tyler was at camp today and he told me he had heard some of the kids were going to push him out of a canoe and into the lake. I asked him how he had found that out. He told me he was tipped off. (LRT) •Hoard: Acted like a prostitute (Cynthia MacGregor). •I saw my English teacher one summer wear nothing but a diphthong. I nearly moved my vowels when I saw that. (Enigma) •Fireplace: Where your boss tells you your services are no longer needed.(SK) •I wanted a smaller house, so I hired a contractor. (Scot Nelson) •Irate: Optometrist’s fee (P. C. Swanson) •If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. (Lee Daniel Quinn) •Baroque: What you are when you are out of Monet (Johnny Hart). •Why will dermatologists rarely guarantee a cure? Because they don't like to make rash promises. (Stan Kegel) •Emulate: What Uncle Henry said when Auntie Em arrived too late to save Toto. (Johnny Hart) •"I'd like some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly. (Archives) •Impeach: Where you find the pits. (Norm Gilbert) •Sometimes, I'd like to give my employees a one-way ticket to Mars. But I'm afraid if I do, I'll alienate them. (David Reihmer) •Someone mistakenly gave Marcel Marceau gold makeup instead of white, he went on stage and started talking about everything. He was a gold mime of information. (By Vlad Lenin) •I once had a boss who asked if I were ticklish. When I declined to answer, he said he would give me a test tickle. (Cynthia MacGregor) •“My wife doesn’t understand me!” “Let’s face it. You do tend to slur your words.” (Chris Browne) •Lactose: Your foot after standing too close to the elevator shaft as it passes. (Gary Hamrick) •Bachelor: An unaltared male. (Norm Gilbert) •What's the difference between rotten lettuce and a depressing song? Rotten lettuce makes a. bad salad while a depressing song is a sad ballad. (By Richard Lederer) •Cholesterophobia: Fear of frying (Aiken Drum) •What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme. (The International Save the Pun Foundation) •What do zombies do? Zombies make honey; others just buzz and sting. (AD) •"Some say there is no difference between men and women, but I say that this is a Vas deferens!" (Tim Hoese) •When trying to photograph the planets, the presence of the moon will cosmos of the problems. (Stan Kegel) •Diploma: Da guy busy fixing da pipes. (Ron Forsch) •Just do asbestos you can. (Hugh Despot) •Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square! (Ed Hexter) •Egypt: To pay for something online...and then never receive it (SR) •Drivers in a rush who stop at traffic lights often see red. (Pun of the Day) •Primate: The Sultan’s first wife. (Stan Kegel) •Did you know that Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinions of the flag that she had made? It was the first flag poll. (GSA) •"The Gnu Testament": The theology of a religion based on the holiness of the wildebeest. (Archives) •"Let's try that sex-organ transplant," said Tom as he hung up on her (ABC) •Space Station: Where you take your dog to get her fixed if you don't want puppies. (Ken Pinkham) •My watch just stopped. I must be down a quartz. (Bob’s Burlesque) •Streakers beware: Your end is in sight! (Aiken Drum) •Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport (Richard Lederer) •He walked up the steep path because he was so inclined. (Jumble) •Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic (Shara Rendell-Smock) •To err is human; to get a ticket for it, fine. (Gary Hamrick) •If a centipede a bucketful, how much would a precipice? A sheer drop! (NG) •Scallops: sells tickets at a very high price. (Stan Kegel) *I hate it when I see one of those road signs that says, "Draw Bridge Ahead" and I don't have a pencil. (Lou Chiafullo) •Sign on a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." (KE) •The German Judge gave the Russian Figure Skater a nein. (Ken Pinkham) •Altar ego: pompous preacher (L. R. Thoennes) •The Phillipines have never won an Olympic medal. They are on a long Luzon streak. (Stan Kegel) •What did the opthamologist say to Jose Canseco after an operation to cure temporary blindness? Jose can you see? (Vlad Lenin) •The beauticians considered their delayed flight a bad ‘air day. (Jumble) •I knew a mime who only wore trousers with one leg. He was a pantomime. (SN) •The cop showed up at the costume ball dressed as a man who was swallowed by a ghost. What was his rank? He was an In-Specter. (CV) •Numerical: What Jesus will perform after he comes back. (Gary Hallock) •“I thought I was immortal,” Dracula said painstakingly. (Stan Kegel) •The ancient Egyptians were Sirius about their pyramids, Orion a monkey's uncle. (Scot Nelson) •Why did the witch carry a dictionary? She didn’t spell very well (Yee) •Watch television news and we learn: Our highways aren't safe, our streets aren't safe, our parks aren't safe, but under our arms we have complete protection. (Don Thorn) •The invention of cardboard belts led to the first waist paper. (Art. Moger) •Weaving cars mean Looming accidents. (Pun of the Day) •I considered buying a pub, but then I remembered the old saying: Neither a bar owner or a tender be. (George McClughan) •Lisp: To call a spade a thpade. (Ed Hexter) •I once had dinner in a German-Chinese restaurant. The food was delicious, but an hour later, I was hungry for power. _(Bruce H. D. Calder) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 09:17:11 -0400 From: Bill Stebbins Subject: The Man Who Would Be King Back in the medieval times, there was a serf named Benny. Benny was a nice guy, just unlucky in life. well, one day he was sitting in the gutter bemoaning his station in life, when who should appear, but his Fairy Godmother! She said to Benny, "Benny, we have long watched you, and have determined that you are indeed a man of honor, though little wealth, so we have decided to give you 3 wishes, on the condition that you never get a haircut or a shave for the rest of your life." Benny considers briefly, then agrees. His first wish was for a castle better than the King's. Instantly a huge castle sprung up beside him! His second wish was for enough gold to fill all the treasure vaults in the castle. Well, the castle just sorta sank into the ground just a bit with the weight of all that gold. Benny went into the castle, exploring it to his pleasure, when, arriving at the uppermost spire, he saw the King's Army coming after him to stop the usurper. Benny used his last wish for an army big enough to ensure his victory, and then Benny actually became King! True to his nature, he was a kind, just, and benevolent King. 30 years later, as he was walking thru town (with his helper carrying his hair and beard in a wheelbarrow behind him) Benny saw a barber shop, and stood outside to watch the people inside getting shaves and haircuts. Benny thinks to himself, "Man, that Fairy Godmother was ancient 30 years ago, she should surely be dead by now." So he sneaks in and gets a shave and a haircut. As he's looking in the mirror at himself, he sees the Fairy God- mother's face in the mirror, looking sadly at him. "Benny", she says, "We were SO proud of you, you have done so well! But a promise is a promise. You agreed to no shaves or haircuts, so we have to punish you." So she waved her magic wand and turned poor Benny into a beautiful, elaborately painted urn. Which goes to show you the moral of the story: A Benny Shaved is a Benny Urned. http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 09:37:33 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Eleven Rules Of Life Inspirational stuff!!!! 1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel. 2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you have to let go. 3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. 4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. 5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. 6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. 7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be because you have only one chance at life to do the things you want to do. 8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too. 9. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress, a loving word may heal and bless. 10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. 11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Jun 2000 to 18 Jun 2000 (#2000-170) ************************************************************